Am I too spiky to be online dating?

[Ywnaged]

I’ve realised that I am ruthless at the moment on dating apps.

For background; I split up with someone around Xmas. My call. Prior to that I was in a fairly long-term relationship with a rather controlling man. I’m now wondering whether I’m too jaded to be back on the dating scene. I know what I don’t want but not what I do if that makes sense?

Some examples below. I’d love to know if I’m being overly harsh/not ready to be back out there or whether I’m just observing my instincts.

-one guy told me he always takes the women he matches on the same first date; a dog walk by the beach so ‘at least the dog gets a walk’ I unmatched him

-a guy I was meant to meet for coffee specified in his profile that he liked ‘violent sports’ which for some reason gave me a bad feeling. My texts have trailed off since reading that

-I’ve sacked off a date tonight as i’ve had a tough week at work and didn’t feel a spark when we met 2 weeks back. Couldn’t bring myself to go out and be perky (this is quite unlike me!) whereas previously I would have gone and given it a shot

-I’ve been messaging a guy who wants to meet tomorrow. He has suggested a different, more inconvenient place (between our homes) to meet on three occasions which I have (twice) politely pushed back. Today I firmly asked him what the deal was with him insisting on an awkward meeting spot and he backed right down. I’m already hacked off with what I sense is boundary pushing. AIBU to cancel?!

Argh, I just don’t have a sense of whether it’s too soon for me to be dating, whether I’m being overly frosty or whether I’m spot on in my assessments and should just keep trucking. Or maybe even step away from the apps until I feel less angry.

Any advice?

@LairyMcClairy yes me too. I thought that was funny. He was just kind of taking the pressure off the date and also saying how dating can be a demoralising waste of time so he's turned a positive from it.

Re-contact dog guy.

I can partly understand the dog guy. I probably wouldn’t have mentioned it to you though that it was the same first date as it doesn’t scream that you’re anything special.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being particular about what you don’t want. Why settle?!

I don't follow astrology but all Geminis get blocked. Never met a normal one.

@BridgesofMadisonfan

There are lots of threads when you search female dating strategy on Reddit. Which ones are worth reading?

It's a whole philosophy/approach. There is probably a subreddit with a starting point or a wiki or sidebar?

I share your pain OP, and everyone else! I quickly became very disillusioned with the men who responded to my profile on Match so put clear boundaries on there. I'd paid for three months upfront and honestly didn't expect to meet anyone. Instead I took a perverse delight in collecting blocks. Match did say the other person can't see if you block them, but you can. Then one day I got a message saying I was a breath of fresh air and we got talking. And talking. And talking. And talking some more. We're still together over a year later.

If you are feeling angry, then step away snd address that. It’s a lot of work and there’s no point burning yourself out on it.

I think you were right about mr violent sport and me awkward meeting place. You were too hard on mr dog Walker - he’s just being honest.

When you do get back onto it, it is a numbers game and you have to approach it like that.

@TeachesOfPeaches

I don't follow astrology but all Geminis get blocked. Never met a normal one.

The dog guy has the right idea.
Maybe follow suit, meet more people (as harder to tell online) but keep it short and cheap.
That's a much better way to screen out the chaff.

I think absolutely fair enough on all counts - keep those boundaries!

@Ywnaged

Feel like I need to clarify the dog walking thing.

He takes every ‘first date’ on the exact same scenario and volunteered this info! That is; dog walk on the beach with a hot chocolate. Every first date! And even said that it was tactical, so that in na worst case scenario the dog would have been exercised.

Why would I want to meet someone who has already mapped out how we’ll be spending our time?!

See I would love this lol it's exactly the same 'two birds one stone' practicality I apply to most of my life and I like that he's acknowledging some first dates are crap. He's not just trying to go on a second date with everyone because he's desperate for anyone to fill that whole in his life

But you should definitely be spikey and pushback on what doesn't work for you!

At the end of the day you get to set whatever boundaries or criteria that you see fit.

I would also have thought the dog guy had a sense of humour and would likely give him a whirl.
The others no way.

Am I the only one who reads the dog guy as intimating that if he doesn't like you you get a walk, I.e calling the OP potentially a dog?

I am so glad I will never do OLD (if anything happened to DH I wouldn't bother looking) because I would have rejected all those too! I've obviously been spoiled with my two DHs!

The dog walk beach man wouldn't bother me, but if it does bother you, fair enough.

All the others need binning ASAP.

@TeachesOfPeaches

I don't follow astrology but all Geminis get blocked. Never met a normal one.

I totally agree with this.

Keep the boundaries !
That said I tend to stay off when I’m in a bad mood
And text message when frisky

@Pyewhacket

The dog guy had a sense of humour.

If that’s the case and the OP doesn’t share the same sense of humour then there’s not much point in pursuing it

@BridgesofMadisonfan

There are lots of threads when you search female dating strategy on Reddit. Which ones are worth reading?

There is a podcast too

You are brilliant, OP! Following your instincts and setting boundaries is a good thing. You only need ONE perfect March, what’s the point of watering down your standards and enabling yourself to match with lots of unsuitables? I wouldn’t bother with dog guy either, he sounds like he’s working his way through a LOT of dates and can’t be arsed anymore to think about where to taken anyone. Maybe he’s half given up too? Sounds dull. I agree with the Gemini comment too. For what it’s worth, I will add from my own experience, never date a guy who slates his mother or ex, has a white front door, drives a Mercedes or wears signet ring. Good luck!!

Everyone has their own boundaries and yours sound pretty solid to me.

These guys are strangers so any time you feel uncomfortable I would rather be safe than sorry. I wouldn’t do a walk date for that reason. Hot chocolate or coffee is fine but a walk in potentially a secluded area with someone I don’t know is something I would not do. Did he even ask if you liked dogs???

@Ywnaged You weren't too harsh on the dog guy.

It's very arrogant of him to say that he always "takes" his first dates on the exact same date. Makes it sound as if he either thinks women should have no say in arranging a first date, or that he's too inflexible to go on a first date arranged by someone else. Either way, not attractive at all (and I'm saying that as a dog owner whose ideal first date would be dog walk on the beach with a hot chocolate )

Don't change yourself for a man, and keep listening to your instincts

I think the dog walking guy was probably joking. It's a light-hearted and slightly self-depracating comment.

Don't be so spiky that you miss out on humour and a potential good person!

I’ve never do OLD as I’ve been with my DH 22 years. Back then in was the old fashioned meeting someone in real life and talking to them! I often think how would I fare if I had to enter this world to meet someone. It seems so difficult and tiresome trying to filter out all the weirdos and flakes. I’ve no advice other than be yourself and ruthless if that what it takes to retain your sense of self.

@Susu49

I had an ex Simon who was a d*ck and I've never met a decent Andy.

I also rule out anyone called Graham but that's just because I don't like the name!

Yes, an ex called Simon a complete and utter d*ck. I used to love that name but now it gives me the ick.

OP, I would have not bothered with any of them either, but possibly the dog walker as I am a big animal lover and would need someone who feels the same so worth a punt.

At least I get the beach and hot chocolate.