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Original poster

Am I too spiky to be online dating?

117 replies

Ywnaged · 05/03/2022 20:02

I’ve realised that I am ruthless at the moment on dating apps.

For background; I split up with someone around Xmas. My call. Prior to that I was in a fairly long-term relationship with a rather controlling man. I’m now wondering whether I’m too jaded to be back on the dating scene. I know what I don’t want but not what I do if that makes sense?

Some examples below. I’d love to know if I’m being overly harsh/not ready to be back out there or whether I’m just observing my instincts.

-one guy told me he always takes the women he matches on the same first date; a dog walk by the beach so ‘at least the dog gets a walk’ I unmatched him

-a guy I was meant to meet for coffee specified in his profile that he liked ‘violent sports’ which for some reason gave me a bad feeling. My texts have trailed off since reading that

-I’ve sacked off a date tonight as i’ve had a tough week at work and didn’t feel a spark when we met 2 weeks back. Couldn’t bring myself to go out and be perky (this is quite unlike me!) whereas previously I would have gone and given it a shot

-I’ve been messaging a guy who wants to meet tomorrow. He has suggested a different, more inconvenient place (between our homes) to meet on three occasions which I have (twice) politely pushed back. Today I firmly asked him what the deal was with him insisting on an awkward meeting spot and he backed right down. I’m already hacked off with what I sense is boundary pushing. AIBU to cancel?!

Argh, I just don’t have a sense of whether it’s too soon for me to be dating, whether I’m being overly frosty or whether I’m spot on in my assessments and should just keep trucking. Or maybe even step away from the apps until I feel less angry.

Any advice?

OP posts:
CantStandMeCow · 05/03/2022 22:57

Nope you’re very efficiently sorting the wheat from the chaff and I would’ve made all the same decisions as you.

almond123 · 05/03/2022 23:08

@Ywnaged

Feel like I need to clarify the dog walking thing.

He takes every ‘first date’ on the exact same scenario and volunteered this info! That is; dog walk on the beach with a hot chocolate. Every first date! And even said that it was tactical, so that in na worst case scenario the dog would have been exercised.

Why would I want to meet someone who has already mapped out how we’ll be spending our time?!

I get the feeling of "not being special" to him. But I think, on a first date, neither of you are special to each other 🤷‍♀️. I see the first date as a screening process to see if you want to kill the person or not, or whether you'd die of boredom on the second date.

And as for doing the same date every time... 🤷‍♀️ Guys aren't that imaginative. Hell, I've even set up three dates in the same hotel because it was close to the station and I know its a good place (had to hope the waitress didn't out me as it was a different man every time 😆😆) There's also a little bit of me that, as a scientist, thinks he's just setting a controled test scenario - he does the same date every time and if he does have a good time he KNOWS it's because of the woman not because it was a good cafe / restaurant /activity etc. 😆😆😆

And it sounds like you're OK with the date itself, just the fact that he's told you he's done it before thats wrankling.

Personally, I'd see it as a hoop to jump through. If you don't like him when you've met him, tell yourself you've had good dating flirting experience for the next date and bin him off. 🤷‍♀️

Gardeningcreature · 05/03/2022 23:09

Yanbu at all. I would not want to go on a date with the dog man. Why on earth would I want to meet his dog on a first date ?

BertieBotts · 05/03/2022 23:22

You should look up female dating strategy on reddit. It might be interesting.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 05/03/2022 23:28

Are you a hedgehog?

Momijin · 05/03/2022 23:53

I think you're spot on. You are choosy, which is what you should be.

I was very choosy and only met very few guys. But out of about 8 guys I met, I had relationships with 3 of them, including the amazing guy I'm with. Quality over quantity imo. I fought too long to get out of my marriage to end up with someone as bad. For me, I'd rather be single than saddled with a crap man again.

CrumpetStrumpet · 06/03/2022 00:22

@ywnaged. I don't want to bang on but likely just isn't enough. Please don't agree to go anywhere with a stranger where you're not 100% sure other people will be around. It really is a question of life or death for women. You cannot trust a man you don't know to that degree. Stay safe.

Agree with @BertieBotts. Read the female dating strategy on Reddit. It's great :)

BridgesofMadisonfan · 06/03/2022 00:26

There are lots of threads when you search female dating strategy on Reddit. Which ones are worth reading?

ChickenStripper · 06/03/2022 01:28

I would say you are just normal.

CockingASnook · 06/03/2022 01:49

The dog walker’s mistake was telling you that. Otherwise it seems like a perfectly practical date.

The car park guy sounds odd. Is it because the shop car park is free and the beauty spot not? That’s very cheap if so.

Rummikub · 06/03/2022 01:49

@Susu49

I had an ex Simon who was a d*ck and I've never met a decent Andy.

I also rule out anyone called Graham but that's just because I don't like the name!

Love this 😂
bluesberry · 06/03/2022 03:11

@Ywnaged

Feel like I need to clarify the dog walking thing.

He takes every ‘first date’ on the exact same scenario and volunteered this info! That is; dog walk on the beach with a hot chocolate. Every first date! And even said that it was tactical, so that in na worst case scenario the dog would have been exercised.

Why would I want to meet someone who has already mapped out how we’ll be spending our time?!

I'd personally find something like that funny. I'd also like it as a date though because if it was awkward I'd just talk to the dog Grin.

However after saying that I am very jaded myself and have absolutely no interest in dating right now so if I did go on dating sites I would roll my eyes at every single thing a man said Grin

Notarealmum · 06/03/2022 03:13

I think you could be missing a trick with Dog Walk Guy - but then I like dogs and his dog may end up being the better company! Was there an element of humour in the way he told you about his first date strategy do you think?

RichTeaRichTea · 06/03/2022 03:25

Agree with female dating strategy recommendation.

And I get what you’re saying about the dog walking man. There isn’t anything wrong with the date suggestion in itself, but by saying out loud to you “at least if it’s crap the dog gets a walk” changes things - it’s like suggesting you have a date at Sainsbury’s because even if there’s no spark at least you can get the supermarket shop done. By making it clear he is combining it with an activity he has to do anyway he is showing he isn’t prepared to set time aside for another person - and he doesn’t care that you know that.

Pyewhacket · 06/03/2022 03:34

The dog guy had a sense of humour.

vampirewellness · 06/03/2022 04:55

When I was OLD I refused to go near a Gary. I just couldn't.

Downunderduchess · 06/03/2022 05:11

It sounds to me like you just have clear boundaries, which is a good thing. You don’t need to accept or meet up with someone who you aren’t sure about or feel indifferent toward.

I would rather stick pins in my eyes than ever bother with OLD again. I did not enjoy it.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 06/03/2022 05:14

What if you found out during the date that they had a dog called Simon/Andy/Gary?

TibetanTerrah · 06/03/2022 05:22

Its brutal at the moment. Its like all the shit men got dumped in lockdown and now there's an influx of them. I'm very disillusioned with it.

Opentooffers · 06/03/2022 05:35

I'd see none of them, dog walker to be binned off on the basis of his clear stupidity in over- sharing his tactics. I have a dog, but I wouldn't introduce a stranger to him and use him as a first date.
First dates are usually pub or coffee meet, easier to leave if need to, have done drinks and a gig over the years, but wouldn't recommend it. First time was awkward throughout, not suited at all, then stuck seated next to halitosis man full of a cold, last time was pleasant enough but no spark from my side although he was clearly keen, he did accept no for an answer though.
Current man, quick drink in pub, which went on till last to leave, sparks flew, so much in common - music and politics, going well, will have to see.

tara66 · 06/03/2022 05:38

I would not want a doggy date on beach - sandy, windy, wet, doggy, messy....You should have said ''It's the dog or me''.

PeggyGa · 06/03/2022 06:08

I can confirm Darren’s and Wayne’s are knobs

Justleaveitblankthen · 06/03/2022 06:34

I agree completely on the Dog guy. It's the way he puts it as much as anything else that jumped out at me.
He may just be bluffing and trying too hard to come across as an 'Alpha male' who knows what he wants and makes the decisions, but the fact he needs to say this pisses me off.
Do his dates have any choice in the matter?
I'll bet if some catch of the century came along and said she doesn't like dogs, fresh air or walking but she does like him he'd be open to ideas as a one off Hmm

LairyMcClairy · 06/03/2022 06:39

Was the dog guy not joking? I’d have found that entertaining and possibly given him a whirl.

Carpy899 · 06/03/2022 06:41

What's wrong with violent sports? I watch MMA and boxing and am yet to have a physical altercation Hmm