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Original poster

In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure

354 replies

cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 05:32

Have been together with DP for nearly 2 years. Just to about to move in together, I already have a lot of stuff moved, handed a notice on my flat two weeks ago (rented).

I'm moving to DP's rented flat too, 15 miles from where Iive. This is mainly to help him with contact with his DD whom he lives locally to, sees her nearly every day and does all pick ups/ drop offs.

I have started to have a feeling that I'm making a mistake. He can be disrespectful sometimes but always blames this on depression / anxiety (he is on meds and therapy). He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.

The last two weeks since I have handed the notice and started spending more time at his have been horrible. We used to spend loads of time together but it was never that bad. He is on a huff most of the time, ignoring me when not in a mood, accusing me I'm making problems out of nothing. Everyone is asking why is it me having to move out and when I said that to him he waived a middle finger and said 'fuck them all', ie my parents, siblings, friend.

On Thursday his DD was here. They planned to go for a meal yesterday. I didn't know anything until yesterday afternoon, basically was given half an hr to get rady and go. No one asked me if that's what I was planning but hey ho I thought, fine he is taking me out. The thing is I had to pay for the meal because, at the till he said it is my turn as he paid last time. I thought that was rude and you don't expect someone to pay for the meal where they didn't get any say in where / when we go? I asked him to transfer the money as this was cheeky of him and unfair but he refused and said I've told him I was going to pay the next time. I haven't.

I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks HmmBecause 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could'.

I feel like I don't have a control of my life any more. I feel like signing out of it compeletely and run away but I hear I'm over reacting when I raise anything. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment and don't know any more what I want. My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do. I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 05/03/2022 16:09

When he says that you're being 'unreasonable', he doesn't actually mean that. He probably doesn't even have a proper understanding of what reasonable behaviour is, he only knows what's convenient for him and what isn't. He knows that if he calls you 'unreasonable' then you will change your behaviour to better suit him. The word has meaning to you but not to him, he might as well be waving a wand and saying 'abracadabra' for all he cares, so long as it results in him getting what he wants.

He's going to say lots of horrible things to you when he realises that you are leaving. Ignore it all, everything he says is as meaningless as the spells from Harry Potter. None of it will be true, so brush it all off. Don't let it echo around inside your head. I think you're lovely and kind and strong, I barely know anything about you and already I know you better than he does. He doesn't deserve you.

Crikeyalmighty · 05/03/2022 16:09

I think it’s also a fact that it’s perfectly possible think you love someone and for that person or their life situation to be totally not right for you— it’s like trying to fit a size 5 foot in a pair of size 4 shoes that you love. You sound a very lovely lady- you deserve more in life than a depressive who can’t control his manners towards you , even this early in a relationship. If you have to get another flat then so be it, just don’t make it his.

stripeyflowers · 05/03/2022 16:12

Yes, smoothly and quietly extricate yourself.

Turtlebey · 05/03/2022 16:20

Of course he is nice sometimes, that's how the cycle of abuse works, but the bottom line is he is abusive and manipulative.
It's great you've seen this before you actually leave for good.
fingers crossed you can stay where you are.

And don't be surprised if he turns into the victim when you tell him you've changed your mind. Don't let him reel you back in, you've seen him for who he is he isn't going to change.

Pinkbonbon · 05/03/2022 16:26

If you want to avoid a merry go round of him arguing with you and making you out to be the bad guy for changing your mind the I'd go with "I've decided I don't want to live with you'. If he says why you reply 'I just don't want to. I don't feel its right for me'.

If he tells you it's unreasonable, you say 'they are my feelings and I'm entitled to them so, no, I'm not being unreasonable. I feel like I don't want to live with you'.

If you start giving him reasons why then he will start twisting them on you and headfucking you. And trying to convince you you don't have a right to 'because...xyz'. But you are always entitled to your own feelings.

And just remember, acting in your own self interest to protect yourself from emotional harm doesn't make you selfish, it makes you sensible. If something doesn't feel right for you then it isn't right for you and you can and should say no to it.

'I feel like I don't want to - so I'm not going to', 'I just don't want to', 'no'. All acceptable. As opposed to if you start telling him I because of things he does qnd how he behaves - he will twist that into you overreacting/misunderstanding him/being too sensitive or some other such shite.

MostlyHappyMummy · 05/03/2022 16:27

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Migrainesbythedozen · 05/03/2022 16:29

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

When he says that you're being 'unreasonable', he doesn't actually mean that. He probably doesn't even have a proper understanding of what reasonable behaviour is, he only knows what's convenient for him and what isn't. He knows that if he calls you 'unreasonable' then you will change your behaviour to better suit him. The word has meaning to you but not to him, he might as well be waving a wand and saying 'abracadabra' for all he cares, so long as it results in him getting what he wants.

He's going to say lots of horrible things to you when he realises that you are leaving. Ignore it all, everything he says is as meaningless as the spells from Harry Potter. None of it will be true, so brush it all off. Don't let it echo around inside your head. I think you're lovely and kind and strong, I barely know anything about you and already I know you better than he does. He doesn't deserve you.

I completely second this, OP.
needanewplannow · 05/03/2022 16:30

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Walkingalot · 05/03/2022 17:00

He's really messed up hasn't he. Now was the time to showcase what a wonderful life you could all have together but he hasn't even bothered to try. Instead he's gone straight to taking advantage of you, not considering your needs, being moody and also disrespectful of your things. He'll use the trump card of his depression and his DD needs comes first all the time. He must have been rubbing his hands with glee. Thankfully, you've seen him for who he really is before you've got in too deep with this move.
I agree with pp about not getting into huge slanging matches about who is being more unreasonable. You could just say that you went back to your flat to clean it and realised that you'll miss your own space so much and you're not ready to move in with him and his DD - too much too soon. Any normal person would be disappointed and feel let down but he is no worse off as nothing will have changed for him, so don't let him guilt trip you.

stripeyflowers · 05/03/2022 17:14

Yes, be prepared for faux remorse and tears and all sorts of promises or, alternatively, blaming and guilt-tripping. It's all part of the same game.

MadKittenWoman · 05/03/2022 17:26

Go back home. Flowers.

BlueOverYellow · 05/03/2022 17:38

@cantsleepatnight

There is something about money in all this. I earn more than him and there is an expectation for me to pay for 50% of all trips/ meals out, including when his DD is with us. I don't feel I can say no because he makes me out to be unreasonable and takes it as I don't accept his DD, which isn't true.
This is what he has his eye on ... improving his lifestyle at your expense. Oh, and getting to treat you like crap in the process and make you doubt yourself while he's doing it.

Run
Run
Run
Run
Get your things out of his flat, go home, and block him on everything.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/03/2022 17:39

It just sounds ridiculous and bonkers

It is, but not as ridiculous and bonkers as moving in with him would be

I admit to surprise that he didn't save all this until you were actually there - bad timing on his part really - and he may well get nasty when told your decision, but that'll just confirm you're doing the right thing

theremustonlybeone · 05/03/2022 18:16

Well he is on to a winner. You move in pay half his rent and then also half when going out with his daughter. Seems he will benefit a lot more than you will

2bazookas · 05/03/2022 18:59

Don't move in. Keep your own place.
There's no happy ever after in that relationship.

ItWasAgathaAllAlong · 05/03/2022 19:24

Oh my God OP. I'm really not one of those who shouts LTB on a whim. But in this case, you really do need to LTB.

As other posters have said, it will only get worse. But you're lucky - he's shown his true self early enough for you to get out now. Just imagine if you'd already moved in properly... doesn't bear thinking about.

And, awful thought it is to read, you don't owe his DD anything. Her happiness is his responsiblity, not yours. I know you care, but please ask yourself if he cares about you at all... no, he doesn't. And that has to be your priority now.

Please do whatever you can to get your old flat back OP. I'll keep everything crossed for you that the agency can renew your lease.

And please don't weaken. None of what you've described is what a healthy relationship looks like. Sad

arethereanyleftatall · 05/03/2022 19:32

Please op. Please run for the hills.

RachelGreeneGreep · 05/03/2022 19:40

Thankfully he has shown his true colours on time for you to extricate yourself rapidly. Please don't fall for whatever rubbish he comes up with when he realises his life on easy street is not happening.
Fingers crossed you can get your flat back and put this horrible episode behind you.

Ice3zane · 05/03/2022 20:52

Moving in should be a happy time !

Trust your instincts, move out & onwards to a new, & better life

BOOTS52 · 05/03/2022 21:46

I would wait and ring the agency monday and hopefully your place is still ok for you to stay. DO NOT move in with him as this does not sound like a very healthy relationship and his moods and you will have no time to yourself at all and there seems to be no boundaries with his daughter as for her taking your stuff. I would keep my own place and take time to think about this relationship and even if it is going to work long term. As for him saying you pay at the till sounds very tight since he asked you out for dinner. Just do not move in, even if you have to get a new place for yourself as believe me you will regret it as he sounds like a total arse hole and selfish and uses his anxiety/depression to act like a dickhead. Red flags all around and well done for noticing and feeling that things do not seem right as they are not. Put yourself first and go with your gut instinct and do not move in. You will regret it and feel trapped.

Original poster
cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 22:32

I'm in my flat spending night in here, have taken some stuff with me. Thank you everyone for all the messages, a lot to take in xx

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/03/2022 22:57

Glad you’re at home. Get some sleep and carry on making plans to set yourself of this horrible man tomorrow. You’ve got this. And a lot of support on here.

BOOTS52 · 05/03/2022 23:30

you are welcome, just take your time, older here and wish had someone to give me advise back in the day..xx

EmmaMaya · 05/03/2022 23:38

Glad you are home tonight, listen to your gut!

LightSpeeds · 05/03/2022 23:59

In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure...
I'm sure. DON'T !