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Original poster

In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure

354 replies

cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 05:32

Have been together with DP for nearly 2 years. Just to about to move in together, I already have a lot of stuff moved, handed a notice on my flat two weeks ago (rented).

I'm moving to DP's rented flat too, 15 miles from where Iive. This is mainly to help him with contact with his DD whom he lives locally to, sees her nearly every day and does all pick ups/ drop offs.

I have started to have a feeling that I'm making a mistake. He can be disrespectful sometimes but always blames this on depression / anxiety (he is on meds and therapy). He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.

The last two weeks since I have handed the notice and started spending more time at his have been horrible. We used to spend loads of time together but it was never that bad. He is on a huff most of the time, ignoring me when not in a mood, accusing me I'm making problems out of nothing. Everyone is asking why is it me having to move out and when I said that to him he waived a middle finger and said 'fuck them all', ie my parents, siblings, friend.

On Thursday his DD was here. They planned to go for a meal yesterday. I didn't know anything until yesterday afternoon, basically was given half an hr to get rady and go. No one asked me if that's what I was planning but hey ho I thought, fine he is taking me out. The thing is I had to pay for the meal because, at the till he said it is my turn as he paid last time. I thought that was rude and you don't expect someone to pay for the meal where they didn't get any say in where / when we go? I asked him to transfer the money as this was cheeky of him and unfair but he refused and said I've told him I was going to pay the next time. I haven't.

I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks HmmBecause 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could'.

I feel like I don't have a control of my life any more. I feel like signing out of it compeletely and run away but I hear I'm over reacting when I raise anything. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment and don't know any more what I want. My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do. I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
GreenFingeredNell15 · 05/03/2022 14:37

If DD is with you both HE should pay two thirds. You should pay a third

GreenFingeredNell15 · 05/03/2022 14:38

Again - DO NOT do something because HE says so

Seraphinesupport · 05/03/2022 14:40

He is going to use you. you will be better off without him

Pinkbonbon · 05/03/2022 14:40

The thing is op, he is displaying no empathy for you. You have to love and respect your own needs too. And walk away from people who disregard them.

Kindness is all well and good. But have it for yourself. Don't people take the piss.

Even if his nastiness is purely down to depression, surely that means he is not in a place for a relationship right now? If his illness makes him horrible to his partner then he needs to be single. Not staying with someone and sucking the life from them.

Take care of yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup. And you have to be careful that the people in your life aren't dark voids that are only capable of taking. Because you'll never fill them up, they'll only drain you dry.

stripeyflowers · 05/03/2022 14:42

@cantsleepatnight

There is something about money in all this. I earn more than him and there is an expectation for me to pay for 50% of all trips/ meals out, including when his DD is with us. I don't feel I can say no because he makes me out to be unreasonable and takes it as I don't accept his DD, which isn't true.
and

" I wanted his life to be easier because I love him. "

He likes guilt tripping you, doesn't he? No matter how bad it all gets, at the end of it, it's all your fault.

I read a book years ago called 'Women Who Love Too Much.' I highly recommend it.

stripeyflowers · 05/03/2022 14:44

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

If being in love means being in pain, this book was written for you. Leading relationship and marriage therapist Robin Norwood describes loving too much as a pattern of thoughts and behaviour, which certain women develop as a response to problems from childhood.

Many women find themselves repeatedly drawn into unhappy and destructive relationships with men. They then struggle to make these doomed relationships work. This bestselling relationship self-help book investigates and reveals how powerfully addictive these unhealthy relationships are - but also gives a very specific programme for recovery from the disease of loving too much, a problem that plagues women everywhere.

billy1966 · 05/03/2022 14:51

So he is looking for a skivvy, au pair, and a cash cow.

For goodness sake OP.

Help yourself.

You have one life.

Don't walk into a shit show of a situation.

Protect yourself.Flowers

liveforsummer · 05/03/2022 14:52

Wow this has started really soon. Normally they wait til your settled. Be glad it's happened when you can still reverse the situation. It will only get worse I promise you this. Depression isn't an excuse for the way he's treating you. Fingers crossed for Monday morning.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/03/2022 14:54

@billy1966

So he is looking for a skivvy, au pair, and a cash cow.

For goodness sake OP.

Help yourself.

You have one life.

Don't walk into a shit show of a situation.

Protect yourself.Flowers

This.

You would be mad to stay in a relationship with this man, let alone move in with him.

Thanks
Neome · 05/03/2022 14:57

Really hoping you’re able to carry through your escape OP.

Many years ago I didn’t see the red flags in a terrible relationship until escape was really costly, difficult and dangerous.

stripeyflowers · 05/03/2022 15:05

You will never change him, OP. He will surely change you.

Loopytiles · 05/03/2022 15:06

So far has HE made YOUR life easier?

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2022 15:08

@cantsleepatnight

There is something about money in all this. I earn more than him and there is an expectation for me to pay for 50% of all trips/ meals out, including when his DD is with us. I don't feel I can say no because he makes me out to be unreasonable and takes it as I don't accept his DD, which isn't true.
Oh he's really done a number on you, hasn't he?

Will you have to pay 50% of all the bills too? And I wonder how house stuff will be divided?

You'll find somewhere if you're flat has gone. Ask for an extension if necessary, but go home!

stripeyflowers · 05/03/2022 15:22

That you are questioning yourself, second guessing yourself, turning yourself inside out is enough to not just halt the moving in but end it completely. There is someone much better out there.

MadinMarch · 05/03/2022 15:22

Where's his 'empathy' for you?
Sounds like you've realised just in time, how awful life would be for you if you move in with him.
Stay strong and keep to your decision!

MzHz · 05/03/2022 15:26

The ‘nice’ is fake. It’s not him. You’re seeing who he is, who he really is now.

I know what’s this like, many of us do. And we would give anything to be wrong. We know you would too.

But we’re not wrong, and you know this deep down.

He’s changing cos he thinks he’s hooked you, that you’re trapped.

He really let himself down there, he went too big, too soon.

And this is only the beginning, it really is. He’s going to get really nasty once you’re really trapped.

My advice for the weekend is to keep a low profile, stay away from him, make excuses etc etc. call agency on Monday first thing and establish the facts about housing, then once you’re secure text him to tell him that you’ve changed your mind about moving in, that you’re not going to do so, that the relationship isn’t one you’re happy in and that you want to end things.

shssandhr · 05/03/2022 15:26

Ring the agency first thing on Monday - like the second they open. The flat might not have gone yet and if it has they might have somewhere you can rent instead.

He sounds awful and you've had a lucky escape.
Looks to me like he wanted a live-in girlfriend/nanny/cleaner/whatever.
As soon as he'd hooked you and you'd given notice he could drop the facade and let his true personality come out.

MzHz · 05/03/2022 15:29

Put it this way… I got trapped and life got really really bad

I’ve also had depression in the past and not once did I use it to be cruel or mean to anyone

You don’t have to pay for him and his dd. He’s going to suck you dry financially, emotionally, confidence-wise, you name it.

RowanAlong · 05/03/2022 15:36

Run!! What does it matter if someone clearly unreasonable, unpleasant and manipulative thinks you’re being unreasonable!!! Get out now!!

SunflowerTed · 05/03/2022 15:37

He sounds awful. You have a perfect
Chance To
Escape! Do it Monday first thing!

tara66 · 05/03/2022 15:38

You can just tell him it does not seem the right time for you to move in with him now, if you can stay in your own flat. You don't need to deal any crushing ''blows'' - just break off gradually - be less available. Just say one or two things have made you change your mind.

1forAll74 · 05/03/2022 15:39

You have all the signs now, of his awful behaviour living together. He can't be blaming depression as a get out for his bad moods, too many people use this as an excuse for eveything, One would expect a person to be less depressed, if they had started a new venture in life together with a partner. Its a hassle of a situation now, so hope you can sort something better out for yourself.

Bluetrews25 · 05/03/2022 15:41

He does not sound depressed or anxious to me.
They are just convenient banners to stand under meaning that you have to give him WHATEVER he wants 'cos he's depressed and anxious, isn't he?
I bet he's not improved much with meds or therapy, has he?
If anyone is depressed and anxious (or has a right to be) it's you, OP.
Life will get better. We're all willing you on to better things. You can do it. Flowers

Hertsgirl10 · 05/03/2022 15:41

He is manipulating you so badly, he’s not even
Waiting for you to move in to show his control, please, please, please call women’s aid and get some advice ❤️

BadNomad · 05/03/2022 15:56

If he's treating you like this before you've even moved in he's going to get so much worse when you're stuck their permanently. Plus he'll have the child to emotionally blackmail you with. Your life will not be your own anymore.