In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure

[cantsleepatnight]

Have been together with DP for nearly 2 years. Just to about to move in together, I already have a lot of stuff moved, handed a notice on my flat two weeks ago (rented).

I'm moving to DP's rented flat too, 15 miles from where Iive. This is mainly to help him with contact with his DD whom he lives locally to, sees her nearly every day and does all pick ups/ drop offs.

I have started to have a feeling that I'm making a mistake. He can be disrespectful sometimes but always blames this on depression / anxiety (he is on meds and therapy). He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.

The last two weeks since I have handed the notice and started spending more time at his have been horrible. We used to spend loads of time together but it was never that bad. He is on a huff most of the time, ignoring me when not in a mood, accusing me I'm making problems out of nothing. Everyone is asking why is it me having to move out and when I said that to him he waived a middle finger and said 'fuck them all', ie my parents, siblings, friend.

On Thursday his DD was here. They planned to go for a meal yesterday. I didn't know anything until yesterday afternoon, basically was given half an hr to get rady and go. No one asked me if that's what I was planning but hey ho I thought, fine he is taking me out. The thing is I had to pay for the meal because, at the till he said it is my turn as he paid last time. I thought that was rude and you don't expect someone to pay for the meal where they didn't get any say in where / when we go? I asked him to transfer the money as this was cheeky of him and unfair but he refused and said I've told him I was going to pay the next time. I haven't.

I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks Because 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could'.

I feel like I don't have a control of my life any more. I feel like signing out of it compeletely and run away but I hear I'm over reacting when I raise anything. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment and don't know any more what I want. My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do. I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

I don't know what to do.

JESUS CHRIST RUN

It is a blessing that you have seen who he is.

Please believe him.

MN is full of women used as skivvys and nanny's by me with children.

They get pregnant with a child themselves and feel stuck having finally realised just how lazy and selfish they are.

Take the luck you have been given and run.

This is a nasty abusive man.

Move in and you will realise just how awful he is when he thinks he has you stuck because you gave up your flat.

If he's like this after 2 weeks, imagine how he will treat you after 2 years. You were independent, able to pay for your own flat. He will use you as an extra source of income. Once he has you in his flat, he can be as nasty as he likes because you will have nowhere to go. Don't give him that power. Remember, what you allow will continue and what continues will escalate. Be kind to yourself.

Just the words anxiety and depression are enough to make me run. Life is too short to mentally uplift and carry another human being. Harsh I know, but I made the mistake of marrying into this and am thankfully divorced from him

@cantsleepatnight

I'm not scared of him. Rather scared of him becoming super nice, telling me what I want to hear and two months down the line I will be back to square1. If not worse

true.

Trust your gut and don't ignore the red flags.

@bluedomino

If he's like this after 2 weeks, imagine how he will treat you after 2 years. You were independent, able to pay for your own flat. He will use you as an extra source of income. Once he has you in his flat, he can be as nasty as he likes because you will have nowhere to go. Don't give him that power. Remember, what you allow will continue and what continues will escalate. Be kind to yourself.

agree.

He's showing you who he really is (and probably why the relationship with the mother of his child ended).

Do not move in with him.

Stay where you are if you can, or look for temporary accommodation elsewhere while you look for someplace new for yourself.

It's a shame about his daughter, but do not tie yourself to an abusive man, and he is abusive!, for someone else's child.

Omg. Only read first post. Don’t don’t don’t do it!

So he's abusive to you and then gets angry that you aren't sympathetic to him being abusive???

He tells you you're going out for a meal with him and his DD, then tells you at the till that you're paying???

He's generally rude, offensive, selfish.

His best 'defence' is that it's due to his depression. Well a) if he is genuinely depressed, can I assume he's spoken to his GP and is taking treatment so that he can be better for himself, his DD and you? Or does he think it's OK to be abusive to you, and that you should put up with it and make all the allowances, and b) being depressed isn't a licence to be rude, selfish and thoughtless, and c) even if that was the case, it doesn't mean you have to stick around and put up with it.

He's showing you who he is. Bear in mind this is the honeymoon period. He is likely to make less effort to be nice once you've moved in. This is as good as it's ever going to get.

You deserve better. Even if you thought you could make the relationship work in the long term (not saying that is the case) then you still shouldn't move in with him, until he's shown he has changed (over a long period).

Please don't make a mistake and lose your independence and become further ground down by this unpleasant, uncaring man.

If your flat has already been re-let and you have to find a new one, don’t tell him your new address after you’ve moved in - every cloud has a silver lining and all that!

You can rescind your notice on the flat and tell the landlord you no longer intend to move in with your boyfriend as he is nasty. Simple. Move all your stuff back and continue paying your rent. And leave him. He has already shown what a nightmare he is.

@cantsleepatnight “I don't know what to do”.

Yes you do. You knew, before starting this thread, what you have to do!
Hopefully your Landlord hasn’t let your flat to anyone else yet.

This is meant to be an exciting time....it’s going to get worse listen to your inner voice!!

🚩 🚩

Get out. Don’t move in. Break up.

I agree with PP. Keep your flat and if you can't end the relationship right now, start to distance yourself and emotionally detach. You can end a relationship for any reason, it does not have to be anyone's fault. A simple, 'It's not what I want any more' is all you need to say. Don't get into a discussion or argument about it as he will use it as an opportunity to blame you. You are allowed to walk away and you are definitely not being unreasonable no matter what he says.

Please don't move in. He's awful.

So many red flags! He's abusive and emotionally and financially manipulative and uses his mental health as a stick to beat you with. This should be an exciting time for you and the fact it isn't is enough reason to end it. Keep listening to those instincts. Don't lose your resolve. This is not a nice man. You deserve someone who loves and respects you and contributes equally in all aspects of the relationship. I'm so glad you are spending the day away from him. Keep moving your things back and then contact the agency first thing on Monday. You can do this and you will feel so much lighter.

Oh thank god you’ve posted about this! So many would have made excuses to themselves and gone ahead anyway

Your comment of not wanting your life to look like this is key here, he’s showing you who he is, and wtf is he thinking moving you in to help him with HIS childcare! At least he’s being open about it! Mostly shit dp like this keep the crap covered until it’s too late and you’re trapped.

Rest assured, this man will destroy you, your life, your credit history, your friendships, your family.

Take your stuff back, retract your notice (I’m sure you’ll be able to stay on) and dump this awful man, block him from everything

The stakes are that high!

Our gut instincts are almost always right. Wishing you well girl, and am so glad you have re assessed the situation. It is your quality of life also.

I feel for you OP, it’s difficult when all your plans have revolves around doing this, but this guy isn’t showing many signs of being a team— you sound like a damn handy option for him, childcare, cash, housework, sex and I suspect he will turn into a very nasty piece of work if you dare complain about any of this and use the ‘my house, my rules’ kind of behaviour. It’s hard I know but I think your gut is telling you that this isnt going to work and you will just end up being a hand maiden to him and his daughter— better to suffer a bit of short sharp hassle now rather than being under the same roof trying to get out

I'm overwhelmed by a number of kind responses.
I don't want my life to look like this. Two last weeks were horrible. I don't want to feel so anxious and depend on his mood.

He is in therapy and on meds too. You are all right, being depressed doesn't give anyone a green light to treat others like shit.

I don't have an emergency number for the agency and tried dialling in the one I have but it won't connect. I'll call them early on Monday.

I didn't expect everything change just like that. I genuinely thought he loves me and I can't get over all plans we were making together for the future.

I don't know what I was thinking. Over last two weeks everything turned upside down. I wanted his life to be easier because I love him. We planned to move in to his flat initially then find something nice together. The market is still crazy and we have been looking for a flat to rent for 2 months now but everything gets snapped so quickly. I don't even like his flat but thought okay I can live there for a few months. Based on this I agreed to move in. Then, last week, after I have handed notice to the letting agency, he tells me that he will need to 'settle' once I move in and doesn't know how long it is going to take before he is ready to move out. That's not the deal I've signed up to. I've challenged him on this and on sudden change in his behaviour but he brushed it off saying he doesn't feel well and I have no empathy for him at all.

It just sounds ridiculous and bonkers. It feels like a bad dream

Red banners not just flags!

But you can change this bad dream. YOU can change it. You can start to make kind and nurturing choices for you. Just you. You can start to build a happy secure safe and fulfilling life for you.

There is something about money in all this. I earn more than him and there is an expectation for me to pay for 50% of all trips/ meals out, including when his DD is with us. I don't feel I can say no because he makes me out to be unreasonable and takes it as I don't accept his DD, which isn't true.