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Original poster

Recovering from affair

127 replies

Roxylou2011 · 01/03/2022 11:33

Hi, been married to my husband for 6 years been together 11. Two beautiful children. We’ve always had a great relationship. I’m august 2020 he was very off with me and told me he didn’t love me anymore. This came as a complete shock. Aside from lockdown being a strange time I didn’t feel any reasons to have issues in our marriage.
I’ll cut out the nitty gritty but this went on on and off until January 2021. Turned out he was having an affair with someone at work. He is a firefighter as is she.
Heartbroken isn’t even the word. During the whole time the different level of emotions I face were horrific. I have no idea how I hid it all from the kids but I did. I lost an insane amount of weight as I couldn’t eat. I was unwell. Lost, confused angry.
It got to the point we told the kids we were separating and he moved out. They were shattered and didn’t see it coming.
We spent some time apart, still talking of course because of the kids. He had been on and off with this other woman. She too was married but no kids.
I even spoke to her husband on the phone he too had been dealing with the same as me.
After about 5 weeks of living apart he had a mental breakdown. Got diagnosed by the doctor with severe depression. This was a long time coming. He started therapy and meds. I was having therapy at this point btw.
So anyway his relationship with the other woman ended a few weeks before he moved out (I had spoken to her on the phone) and we decided after a while to reconcile. We both attended therapy together and I can hand on heart say he is a different person. Yes I know trust has been broken and it will take a lot of time and patience and forgiveness this isn’t fixed overnight. This has been my decision. He has shown remorse for what he’s done and he’s a different person, he is still on medication and therapy I think a lot of underlying issues were there. That’s no excuse for what he did I’m not making excuses but I have chosen to move forward.
He moved fire brigades and we’ve moved house as the okd house had as memories for me.
So far we are doing very well
But one thing I’m struggling with is seeing her give the big “I represent women I’m a woman in the fire service” no love you don’t you shit all over a woman and two kids and destroyed a family. She isn’t one bit sorry. I’ve never got revenge or tried to. I never plastered it on social media or called her out because I am bigger than that. Everyone thinks the sun shines out of her backside. But I know the truth. She’s not a woman, she’s an immature little girl. I’d love to have her colleagues know what she did and embarrass her but I don’t know if I should. I feel like she deserves to suffer the way she made me
Equally I need to let go I just hate she got away with it that’s all
Please don’t comment judging my decision to give my marriage a go. He’s paid for what’s happened
I don’t have to forgive her but I have to forgive him

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 01/03/2022 11:38

If you've made the decision to stay in your marriage and move on, then you need to do just that. Forget about her, that's the only way.

frozendaisy · 01/03/2022 11:40

I am sure therapy has told you this but it wasn't her who destroyed a family it was you husband. He is the one who made the promises to you.

You are working on forgiving him.

Just let her go.

SunflowerTed · 01/03/2022 11:41

This is the first time on here that I’ve not thought someone should leave their marriage due to cheating. It seems like he is contrite and doing all the things you need to get back on track. You have revenge on her in a way as you are rebuilding your marriage, you seem a lovely person and she is a bitch. What goes around always comes around and she will get her comeuppance. If you truly want to move forward you need to put her in a box and store her away. People probably don’t think the sun shines out of her - she will get found out eventually x

IfIHadAHeart · 01/03/2022 11:42

If they had an affair through work, her colleagues will know already. Even if you H thinks they do not. I’m not saying she’s innocent in all this, but your husband is to blame. Your husband is the one who shat over a woman and 2 kids, as you put it. He’s also the one who got away with it, as you’ve taken him back.

Anniefrenchfry · 01/03/2022 11:43

If you’ve decided to forgive your husband proclaim your love for him, even shag him etc then really she’s the least of your issues, she didn’t betray you. He did. Focus your anger on him. Don’t blame her.

drybird · 01/03/2022 11:45

I just hope it doesn't eat away at you! If you have forgiven your husband for what HE did to you then you need to let go of any malice you have towards her. She didn't do this to you.. your Husband did. I speak from experience.. 4 yrs on and I'm worse now thinking I could fix it.

p12241342 · 01/03/2022 11:47

Good on you for giving your marriage another go.

Im in exactly the same situation as you. Found out about the 2 month affair in May 21 and since then have been trying to get through the masses of emotions. Its hard and people keep telling me time is a healer.

But you have decided to stay and you have another go at your marriage. Things could be a hell of a lot worse but you are still a family. I always thought that if I was cheated on I would walk. But when it comes to it things are different. Its not that easy.

I see why you stayed and I also feel your pain as I know what you have been through and what your going through right now.

Keep smiling and I'm sure you will get through it.

If you ever need to chat or just to vent just sent me a PM.

Take care and good luck.

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 01/03/2022 11:49

More therapy. I don’t think you’re fully forgiving him whilst holding onto such anger for her and what THEY did. You don’t know what she’s thinking.
I couldn’t forgive DH but if you choose to you need to find a way of letting go of your feelings towards his mistress. He broke his promise to you, not her.

MorrisZapp · 01/03/2022 11:53

She didn't get away with it, her husband knew too?

What punishment do you think she should suffer?

BlondeDogLady · 01/03/2022 11:57

Love how everyone absolves this other woman. Sure, she didn't make marriage vows to Roxylou, however, she did embark on a relationship with her DH, knowing full well that he was married with kids. Of course it's going to be jarring, when alongside this, she is portraying herself to the world as a woman who supports other women, bla bla bla. It's hypocritical and totally shitty, and I would feel the same as Op.

I'm not sure there's much you can realistically do though. What did you have in mind? My best friend shagged my ExH (while we were together). Quite honestly, I had day dreams of stabbing her tyres or throwing a brick through her window, I was so angry. Of course, the only loser there would be me, as I'd get caught and possibly even arrested, so the only thing I could do was to never talk to her again. Years later she got very serious with a guy who let her down monumentally and she lost her home. I'd be lying if I didn't have a smirk.

This OW will be in deep shit with her husband. And I bet she feels so mortified that she risked her own marriage for a man that ultimately picked his wife. I bet she feels like a right saddo.

When this happened to me, Facebook and social media was only in it's infancy. If it happened now, yeah, I'd probably name and shame her on-line. But I'd not do anything more troublesome. You have to be careful as well, not to implicate your own DH in any posts, or you might be telling the world what he did, not just shaming her.

MorrisZapp · 01/03/2022 12:01

How can it be possible to shame the OW without implicating the cheating husband? That makes no sense, sorry.

Original poster
Roxylou2011 · 01/03/2022 12:02

Yes I agree he did it to me
It was both of them. She’s even met my kids before this happened she knew what she was doing. They are both to blame I’m not saying it was all her. What I meant is he’s suffered the consequences of his actions and shown remorse and done and still doing everything to fix this. I guess I just feel like she’s got away with causing what I went through. There are 3 at work that knew about it and got involved. No one else knows. I think what gets to me is she’s always posting about women raising women and sticking together yet she did this and no one knows what she’s really like that’s what gets to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roxylou2011 · 01/03/2022 12:05

I think realistically there nothing I’d do to shame her. Because that will just cause problems and I’m trying to move forward. I just feel like I had to share and tell you guys my feelings to let it out and get other peoples views. Surely you’d feel the same about the other woman

OP posts:
cuddlymunchkin · 01/03/2022 12:06

Stop focusing on her. You’ve moved house, he’s changed job. You’re reflecting your anger on to her instead of recognising what/who you’re really feeling anger for.

hereforthetea · 01/03/2022 12:07

You can have an affair and still want the best for women. I've had an affair, that one action doesn't mean I don't support other women. You might want to think that but it's not the case. People have affairs for many reasons, and it's rarely just to shit on another person.

If you go after her, you're doing to risk damaging the relationship that you're trying to repair with your husband. I'm not sure why you would want to do that when you are both working so hard towards fixing things. You're going to make him look as bad as her.

MorrisZapp · 01/03/2022 12:11

By all means vent to your trusted friends, but try to let this anger go. Cheating isn't a workplace matter, and it isn't a legal one either. You feel hurt and angry, understandably. But this woman has done nothing 'wrong', and if she has, your dh should receive similar public exposure.

Grimsknee · 01/03/2022 12:11

There is no point in forgiving her, she's not your friend or family and you're not in a relationship with her. But equally there's no benefit for you in being angry at her or holding onto resentment of her. She literally doesn't matter and she was only one half of the problem.. Part of getting past the affair is that your husband needs to hear and hold your feelings of anger and sadness. He needs to do that over and over until YOU are healed, no matter what issues he is going thru. I wonder if you're deflecting those feelings onto her because you're being encouraged by him to move on and forget the past too quickly?

SunflowerTed · 01/03/2022 12:14

@Roxylou2011

Yes I agree he did it to me It was both of them. She’s even met my kids before this happened she knew what she was doing. They are both to blame I’m not saying it was all her. What I meant is he’s suffered the consequences of his actions and shown remorse and done and still doing everything to fix this. I guess I just feel like she’s got away with causing what I went through. There are 3 at work that knew about it and got involved. No one else knows. I think what gets to me is she’s always posting about women raising women and sticking together yet she did this and no one knows what she’s really like that’s what gets to me.
I'm sure a lot more people know that you are thinking. She might have form ! Leave her behind - you are better than her!
GiantSpider · 01/03/2022 12:15

You don't need to forgive her. But you do need to forget her.

Anniefrenchfry · 01/03/2022 12:17

@Roxylou2011

Yes I agree he did it to me It was both of them. She’s even met my kids before this happened she knew what she was doing. They are both to blame I’m not saying it was all her. What I meant is he’s suffered the consequences of his actions and shown remorse and done and still doing everything to fix this. I guess I just feel like she’s got away with causing what I went through. There are 3 at work that knew about it and got involved. No one else knows. I think what gets to me is she’s always posting about women raising women and sticking together yet she did this and no one knows what she’s really like that’s what gets to me.
But why do you feel this? Her husband knew. You even spoke to him

What punishment do you wish her to receive. Particularly when you habe let your husband away with it?

Bananarama21 · 01/03/2022 12:19

The fact he had a relationship with her on and off after your split says it all, it didn't work out and he came back running and used the mental health card, it doesn't excuse his actions. What about your own mental health? I suspect it wasn't his first time and won't be his last as harsh as it is I think you've got head in the clouds.

Anniefrenchfry · 01/03/2022 12:20

I guess I just feel like she’s got away with causing what I went through

No it was him who caused this for you. If you need to warn other women off to keep your husband faithful then it won’t work. Yes she agreed to go with him but he was in there having sex with her and lying to you.

You’re transferring your anger to her, because if you continue to blame him you can’t make it work, so you’ve not forgiven, not at all.

Original poster
Roxylou2011 · 01/03/2022 12:20

He’s very patient and says he will do whatever it takes to make me heal
One thing that has been a positive is we are so so open he knows when something is on my mind and he said let’s talk please talk to me and I do and I don’t hold back

OP posts:
Martianworld · 01/03/2022 12:20

They were both in the wrong. But you don't know what she's gone through or how remorseful she is or isn't. You don't know what stick she might have received from other people. Even if you told the world what she's done, most people would not be bothered. It's not like affairs are that uncommon. She might be temporarily embarrassed but it wouldn't change much for her. It might not be very nice for her husband though - would you want everyone to know your husband cheated on you?

Being a woman in such a male dominated industry can't be easy and I expect she suffers forms of harassment. I can see why she bands together with women to say she stands up for women in her line of work.

You've obviously, and understandably, still got issues to resolve over your husbands infidelity. Stewing over her is unhelpful. There's a saying that holding a grudge is like holding a hot coal and hoping the other person gets burned. Put your life back together and get on with having a happy life otherwise why bother to stay together?

GreyTS · 01/03/2022 12:25

This is deflection, you haven't forgiven your husband and you may never forgive him entirely but you can't express your anger and disappointment it's him because you risk bringing down your marriage if you are truly honest about how much pain you are in. So you blame her, it's literally nothing to do with her, no one is capable of ruining your marriage except the people in it. Go to therapy alone, without your husband, be honest about your pain and anger and decide if you can let it go without letting go of the source of that pain....him