Recovering from affair

[Roxylou2011]

Hi, been married to my husband for 6 years been together 11. Two beautiful children. We’ve always had a great relationship. I’m august 2020 he was very off with me and told me he didn’t love me anymore. This came as a complete shock. Aside from lockdown being a strange time I didn’t feel any reasons to have issues in our marriage.
I’ll cut out the nitty gritty but this went on on and off until January 2021. Turned out he was having an affair with someone at work. He is a firefighter as is she.
Heartbroken isn’t even the word. During the whole time the different level of emotions I face were horrific. I have no idea how I hid it all from the kids but I did. I lost an insane amount of weight as I couldn’t eat. I was unwell. Lost, confused angry.
It got to the point we told the kids we were separating and he moved out. They were shattered and didn’t see it coming.
We spent some time apart, still talking of course because of the kids. He had been on and off with this other woman. She too was married but no kids.
I even spoke to her husband on the phone he too had been dealing with the same as me.
After about 5 weeks of living apart he had a mental breakdown. Got diagnosed by the doctor with severe depression. This was a long time coming. He started therapy and meds. I was having therapy at this point btw.
So anyway his relationship with the other woman ended a few weeks before he moved out (I had spoken to her on the phone) and we decided after a while to reconcile. We both attended therapy together and I can hand on heart say he is a different person. Yes I know trust has been broken and it will take a lot of time and patience and forgiveness this isn’t fixed overnight. This has been my decision. He has shown remorse for what he’s done and he’s a different person, he is still on medication and therapy I think a lot of underlying issues were there. That’s no excuse for what he did I’m not making excuses but I have chosen to move forward.
He moved fire brigades and we’ve moved house as the okd house had as memories for me.
So far we are doing very well
But one thing I’m struggling with is seeing her give the big “I represent women I’m a woman in the fire service” no love you don’t you shit all over a woman and two kids and destroyed a family. She isn’t one bit sorry. I’ve never got revenge or tried to. I never plastered it on social media or called her out because I am bigger than that. Everyone thinks the sun shines out of her backside. But I know the truth. She’s not a woman, she’s an immature little girl. I’d love to have her colleagues know what she did and embarrass her but I don’t know if I should. I feel like she deserves to suffer the way she made me
Equally I need to let go I just hate she got away with it that’s all
Please don’t comment judging my decision to give my marriage a go. He’s paid for what’s happened
I don’t have to forgive her but I have to forgive him

Let it go op, because you're not harming her, you're harming yourself. Outing her would mean people would know about your husband.

A friend from uni shagged and went on to have a short relationship with the guy I was dating. I really liked him at the time and felt super betrayed. Years later through facebook I saw that she looked so much older than me and she really struggled having kids and that was so satisfying. Petty, but satisfying.

And if it's any consolation, the few women that I know that keep having affairs with married men have deep issues and never have a happy relationship of their own.

Oh trust me she loves being a woman in that industry don’t think she struggles one bit

No I know I haven’t forgiven him yet I hope to

I think what gets to me is she’s always posting about women raising women and sticking together

How do you know this is what she's posting on social media? Are you checking her profiles?

If so you need to stop that, you'll never move on if that's what you're doing

TBH they are both to blame surely? You say she isnt supporting women ,but she is still a woman in a very male dominated profession.She hasnt cheated on everyones DH just yours ,thats the bottom line . She will still be working on her own marriage and having to work through problems with him.You say only 3 people knew but I would be surprised if the rest didnt at least suspect something. Affairs shouldnt happen, but they do .If 2 people are working closely in a stressful job and have problems st home they may become attracted to each other .Im not excusing them just saying that is human nature .Look forward to a new beginning with your DH and work towards a better RL .He has chosen you ,and you have taken him back sparing your family the pain of Divorce .

He divorced her

@Roxylou2011

He divorced her

Well then, isn't that enough?

@GreyTS

This is deflection, you haven't forgiven your husband and you may never forgive him entirely but you can't express your anger and disappointment it's him because you risk bringing down your marriage if you are truly honest about how much pain you are in. So you blame her, it's literally nothing to do with her, no one is capable of ruining your marriage except the people in it. Go to therapy alone, without your husband, be honest about your pain and anger and decide if you can let it go without letting go of the source of that pain....him

This 100%

This is deflection, you haven't forgiven your husband and you may never forgive him entirely but you can't express your anger and disappointment it's him because you risk bringing down your marriage if you are truly honest about how much pain you are in. So you blame her, it's literally nothing to do with her, no one is capable of ruining your marriage except the people in it. Go to therapy alone, without your husband, be honest about your pain and anger and decide if you can let it go without letting go of the source of that pain....him
Excellent post!!

OP, I'm pretty sure she has suffered. If her husband divorced her you can't say she's had no consequences. What you want is for YOU to make her suffer because you cannot lash out at your husband.
You have to deal with this anger because it won't just 'go away'.

Oh, and people always know at work.

RoxyLou Sorry I missed that her DH has divorced her.Well then she has paid her price hasnt she ? Often I think that Affairs in the workplace are just sometimes happenstance, ie if She had been on B team and not A team with your DH or whatever it may not have happened ,Im not excusing them ,but you need to work through your feelings a little more maybe ? As I say its a new start for you and DH

There seems to a be a lot of sympathy on this thread, for the OW who knew exactly what she was doing. Yes, the husband has done wrong, but so has she.

I'm pretty sure that most women would feel some hatred towards any OW shagging their husband, not just say "she's done nothing wrong".

It's very weird - if the Op had posted that she was having an affair with a married man, she would have been roasted already.

Hey @Roxylou2011 fellow reconciled poster here VERY similar circumstances. Affair while having a mental health crisis (very VERY common) and husband who will walk over hot coals to prove he is a better man.

I’m a few years on from you.

As someone who had been there got the t’shirt I can tell you it took me a good few years to reach ‘meh’ when it came to the affair partner.

I’d read about women who’d got there and stopped looking at their social media etc and think that I’d never feel that way. But one week I just stopped caring, it came so suddenly.

I now look back and I’m really REALLY proud that I didn’t try to get back at her in any way shape or form. Her goading myself and my husband went on after the affair but I didn’t stoop to it and now I breathe a sigh of relief I didn’t because she is irrelevant to us.

Time is a great healer. It really is.

Check out Surviving Infidelity as the posts on their reconciliation board will help you navigate this. You need advice from people who’ve walked your path.

Promise just give it time and try to let it go.

Just going to add 2-5 year healing time really is accurate, don’t let anyone tell you you should be over it by now, or that what you’re feeling is wrong!

Yes it’s baffled me that people have said she’s done nothing wrong. She knew he was married with kids. Met my kids ffs
They both did it not just him, not just her
They were both in the wrong

Thankyou and yes I’ve been told 2.5-3 years to feel better

Agree totally with BlondeDogLady
The OW behaved appallingly , do people have no standards anymore ?? Yes she wasn't married to the OP but you don't have sex with someone else's husband.
Saying she has done nothing wrong is indeed baffling.
I would find it very difficult to get over, even if you "forgive" him the whole situation is so damn toxic.

@Roxylou2011

Yes it’s baffled me that people have said she’s done nothing wrong. She knew he was married with kids. Met my kids ffs They both did it not just him, not just her They were both in the wrong

They were...but she owed/owes you nothing.

He also knew he was married with kids.

Her marriage has ended, your DH's hasn't.

It sounds like he's the one that's got away with it, not her.

Oh I just roll my eyes at the OW is blameless…

You are only a year or so out. It really does take time. I reckon it was two/three years before I started to get to ‘meh’ and that was really with a husband who has put making me feel safe as his number one priority.

Just try to lay off her SM, focus on your healing and I promise it’ll come. You’ll never have to forgive her, or even like her, but it’s such a good feeling when she becomes utterly irrelevant to you!

Karma's a bitch OP. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow but trust me, she will get it. Please focus on healing yourself, and stop giving her the mind space she doesn't deserve. Focus on you now.

@Treacletoots

Karma's a bitch OP. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow but trust me, she will get it. Please focus on healing yourself, and stop giving her the mind space she doesn't deserve. Focus on you now.

What would karma look like in this case? Her husband has divorced her, the op's husband has kept his marriage.

Seems like she's come off worse already?

@BlondeDogLady

There seems to a be a lot of sympathy on this thread, for the OW who knew exactly what she was doing. Yes, the husband has done wrong, but so has she.

I'm pretty sure that most women would feel some hatred towards any OW shagging their husband, not just say "she's done nothing wrong".

It's very weird - if the Op had posted that she was having an affair with a married man, she would have been roasted already.

But I don't think anyone's saying that the woman's actions were fine.

They're saying it's counterproductive for the OP to scour her social media profiles and want to see evidence that she's suffering/being punished, all the while talking about how her DH is a "different person" and a "changed man" now. The issue here is that her husband is the one she has to live with and rebuild a marriage with, not the OW, and the way she's describing the situation suggests she's bottling up her anger and mistrust at him and directing these feelings at someone she may never meet again. I can see why that's an appealing coping strategy, but it's not a helpful one.

@QforCucumber

I think what gets to me is she’s always posting about women raising women and sticking together

How do you know this is what she's posting on social media? Are you checking her profiles?

If so you need to stop that, you'll never move on if that's what you're doing

This. Stop following and looking at her social media. You also have no idea how she really feels about the affair and her marriage breakdown. Posts on social media aren't a reflection of real lives and feelings.

You are rebuilding your marriage but she has no-one. You could afford to let her have the "woman in the fire service".

I guess I just feel like she’s got away with causing what I went through.

You what? Her husband left her. She is not blameless but she didn't get away with either and if you think she did then you aren't thinking straight.

He’s very patient and says he will do whatever it takes to make me heal

"Patient"? Him? What's he got to be "patient" about? You've been done a number on. I can see who is getting away with it now, and it's not her and it's not you either.

AmaryllisNightAndDay

“You are rebuilding your marriage but she has no-one. You could afford to let her have the "woman in the fire service".

I guess I just feel like she’s got away with causing what I went through.

You what? Her husband left her. She is not blameless but she didn't get away with either and if you think she did then you aren't thinking straight.

He’s very patient and says he will do whatever it takes to make me heal

"Patient"? Him? What's he got to be "patient" about? You've been done a number on. I can see who is getting away with it now, and it's not her and it's not you either“

I agree . I can’t believe you are grateful he is being “ patient” with you . What happens when he decides he has been patient long enough ?

Im sorry I don't agree with the pp who say your husband is to blame not the ow! In my opinion they are both equally to blame, he was the one that owed you loyalty but she also quite happily tore a family apart! While I think you are mad to give him another chance, that is the decision you have made so the only way forward is to forget about her and focus on the future.