Recovering from affair

[Roxylou2011]

Hi, been married to my husband for 6 years been together 11. Two beautiful children. We’ve always had a great relationship. I’m august 2020 he was very off with me and told me he didn’t love me anymore. This came as a complete shock. Aside from lockdown being a strange time I didn’t feel any reasons to have issues in our marriage.
I’ll cut out the nitty gritty but this went on on and off until January 2021. Turned out he was having an affair with someone at work. He is a firefighter as is she.
Heartbroken isn’t even the word. During the whole time the different level of emotions I face were horrific. I have no idea how I hid it all from the kids but I did. I lost an insane amount of weight as I couldn’t eat. I was unwell. Lost, confused angry.
It got to the point we told the kids we were separating and he moved out. They were shattered and didn’t see it coming.
We spent some time apart, still talking of course because of the kids. He had been on and off with this other woman. She too was married but no kids.
I even spoke to her husband on the phone he too had been dealing with the same as me.
After about 5 weeks of living apart he had a mental breakdown. Got diagnosed by the doctor with severe depression. This was a long time coming. He started therapy and meds. I was having therapy at this point btw.
So anyway his relationship with the other woman ended a few weeks before he moved out (I had spoken to her on the phone) and we decided after a while to reconcile. We both attended therapy together and I can hand on heart say he is a different person. Yes I know trust has been broken and it will take a lot of time and patience and forgiveness this isn’t fixed overnight. This has been my decision. He has shown remorse for what he’s done and he’s a different person, he is still on medication and therapy I think a lot of underlying issues were there. That’s no excuse for what he did I’m not making excuses but I have chosen to move forward.
He moved fire brigades and we’ve moved house as the okd house had as memories for me.
So far we are doing very well
But one thing I’m struggling with is seeing her give the big “I represent women I’m a woman in the fire service” no love you don’t you shit all over a woman and two kids and destroyed a family. She isn’t one bit sorry. I’ve never got revenge or tried to. I never plastered it on social media or called her out because I am bigger than that. Everyone thinks the sun shines out of her backside. But I know the truth. She’s not a woman, she’s an immature little girl. I’d love to have her colleagues know what she did and embarrass her but I don’t know if I should. I feel like she deserves to suffer the way she made me
Equally I need to let go I just hate she got away with it that’s all
Please don’t comment judging my decision to give my marriage a go. He’s paid for what’s happened
I don’t have to forgive her but I have to forgive him

@GoodnessTruthBeauty

Unfortunately you are clearly deflecting all your anger on TOW and not your husband because it’s too painful. It’s easier to cast your husband as someone who was depressed and had weaknesses and her as an unfeeling home-wrecker. Your husband is the one who did this to you. She was complicit but she wasn’t the one who made vows and betrayed you. Be honest with yourself about how angry and deeply hurt you are and realize that although you can’t admit it to yourself, your angeris really about his betrayal and behavior.

Yes I agree - it's very clear.

This is exactly why I'd never take a cheater back

No point whatsoever

The respect and trust has gone

Just leave him and move on you've given him a perfect opportunity to cheat again as he's done it once and you agreed to have him back

Have some respect you deserve better

My advice would be to do marriage counselling because happy people don't cheat. Without fixing the issues in your marriage it may happen again.

happy people don't cheat
Most people re not deliriously happy every single day of their marriage. Should they all have therapy to "stop" themselves cheating?
And what if OP's dh WAS unhappy about his life, but it had nothing to do with OP - it was to do with his childhood issues/stress/recent bereavement making him act like a dick?
OP no doubt does require therapy to get through this, but not because she needs to improve herself to stop her husband having another affair.

@ravenmum

happy people don't cheat Most people re not deliriously happy every single day of their marriage. Should they all have therapy to "stop" themselves cheating? And what if OP's dh WAS unhappy about his life, but it had nothing to do with OP - it was to do with his childhood issues/stress/recent bereavement making him act like a dick? OP no doubt does require therapy to get through this, but not because she needs to improve herself to stop her husband having another affair.

@WanderingLost167 never said the OP was the problem??

Whatever the reasons, marriage counselling can help them both.

never said the OP was the problem??
No, s/he said that it's their marriage that's the problem. I was pointing out that that may not be the case at all. It may just be the husband who needs to work on his issues - not the OP.

From my experience, and I had an affair so have a reasonable understanding, people cheat either because it's in their nature to do so as they will never be happy with just one partner and like the thrill and excitement. Or, because the relationship they are in does not make them happy or feels like it is missing something that they find in someone else, and they feel they cannot leave. Happy people don't cheat, happy people in happy relationships unless they are type 1, don't cheat.

So, which is the OPs husband? If he's Type 1, he'll do it again. If he's type 2 then simply blaming him and not working out why he felt attraction towards someone else is going to get them no where. This isn't blaming the OP, but things happen for a reason.

@Roxylou2011

Thankyou and yes I’ve been told 2.5-3 years to feel better

My sister went through something similar.

Her husband cheated on her with a colleague but she decided to give her marriage a chance however despite everything she said , she neither forgave or forgot and I doubt she ever had any intention of doing so. Not really.

She would leave it a while and them bring it up, all over again. This went on for quite a while until he finally had enough of walking on eggshells and pulled the plug on the whole thing. The divorce wasn't pretty and she didn't get anywhere near the settlement her lawyer led her to believe she would.

It was unpleasant to have a ring-side-seat on all this as I get on very well with my sister and love her dearly but the truth is if you really have to want to make it work. You may not forget but you have to put it behind you.

He moved on and emigrated to Canada. She still bangs on about it

You'll never be able to let this go while you're with him.

My Mum tortured herself for years with the OW. It's very common, and it's really really destructive.

Is he honestly worth never having peace of mind again?

My exh cheated because he liked the thrill, because he had been brought up as the family clown and was desperate for (women's) positive attention, because he had lost one of his parents, was sad and rethinking the whole purpose of his life, because the parent who had always monitored his behaviour was gone, because the OW reminded him of his lost parent, because he had had to spend a lot of time working away from home due to his job. People are complicated. There are more than 2 types.

Yes, I simplified some what, but in that situation ignoring those drivers of his behaviour wouldn't have made him less likely to cheat in the future if caught.

Of course they both did wrong. But he’s the only one that was obliged to not do that to you. To you, he’s the cunt here, not her. She owed/owes you nothing. He made you suffer, not her. If he’d have not stuck his dick in her, you’d be fine.

My opinion is that relationships don’t ever recover from affairs, not really. You never really trust that person again like you did before and that’s just self protection.
If everyone knew what she did, it wouldn’t change that your partner didn’t love you enough to be faithful and that’s the issue. The other woman is a complete bitch but I could deal with that. People are shitty. But I couldn’t deal with having my partner not be loyal to me. If you think you can get over it, then this woman needs to be irrelevant.

because happy people don't cheat

That's quite a statement and highly offensive to any married person who has been betrayed.

In the same sense does that mean all cheaters are selfish and cowards.
An affair is illicit, a secret, witholding vital information from your partner, what does that have to do with solving unhappiness.

Be honest, open, state your unhappiness, lay the cards on the table and tell the partner your intentions that you will be emotionally or sexually involved with another. Start again.

But no this unhappiness is quite specific, they don't lose their minds over finances or children, many act just with the specific intention of thinking an affair will fill the void.

Cheaters are just liars, to themselves, to others, they gaslight forever, the justification never ends, it carries through life.

If you are unhappy, tell your spouse, end the relationship and state that your partner makes you that unhappy that you must end the union.

The truth is very hard for many cheaters, they know what they want to lose and what they do not, To tell a betrayed partner to go to councelling because they have not cheated is madness.

Because they have not told lies, were morally correct and lived their lives without deceit, is that a crime, something to be rectified, to accept that some other selfish git needs help finding their moral compass.

Cheaters are untrustable people, the tests were there and they failed.
It is not the betrayed person's problem to fix these weak willed people.

Whatever the excuse.
Own it.

it wouldn’t change that your partner didn’t love you enough to be faithful and that’s the issue

That is correct.

The truth that needs to be stated is that the cheater doesn't find the betrayed person, sexually, emotionally or physically good enough to meet all their needs at the time to be faithful.
That is what an affair signifies.

What their partner needs is of no consequence. It is the act of someone who is very self centered and absorbed with only what they need.

No matter how much pretzel twisting goes on trying to justify staying with a cheater, the facts remain the same.

If you want a life without lies to yourself, or from others, you eliminate the liars and the self absorbed who can only think of themselves as a separate unit.

“The truth that needs to be stated is that the cheater doesn't find the betrayed person, sexually, emotionally or physically good enough to meet all their needs at the time to be faithful.
That is what an affair signifies.”

In some cases, yes. But then there’s the issue that no partner, no matter how fabulous, no long-term marriage can provide: pure novelty. The unknown. Some affairs signify that need, the need for an ego boost from a new person whose interest makes them feel like a teenager again, a classic midlife crisis affair hallmark, which no betrayed long term partner, no matter how great, can ever provide.
That’s why I do believe that happy people can cheat. The long term relationship/ marriage may well be meeting the expectations of the cheater of that particular relationship, they feel like their needs are met within it, they want to keep it, most cheaters want to stay with the betrayed partner afterwards. However, you can never rewind the clock and not know your spouse or partner well, never go back to the stage of that relationship where you were in pursuit or intrigued by meeting your partner for the first time. Novelty, by definition, erodes with time and nothing can change that. There is sometimes nothing wrong with the betrayed partner or relationship. Sometimes there is, of course, but what is certain is that in any case there was something very wrong with the cheaters, and in order to go against their moral compass, yet feel justified, compartmentalisation and a relationship rewrite begins.

That novelty, feeling of attraction to an as yet unknown person, feelings which are present in the very early stages of of a relationship, cannot ever be replicated by the betrayed partner because they are the known, they are not a novelty. They can’t ever be a novelty again. With a new person, cheaters get the highs of feeling young and free again, the thrill of the unknown, the start of the game, the thrill of the chase. They may well love the betrayed partner, still want sex with them, think they’re a good partner and co-parent and have no intention whatsoever of losing them, but at the moment of temptation they are weak, utterly selfish and let the excitement and the naughtiness and newness of the whole shitshow override their moral compass.
Also some cheaters who have had an excellent moral compass for years can find affairs exciting precisely because they have always done the ‘right’ thing and they can find that doing the very, very wrong thing can be quite an adventure. Remind them of who they were years ago, push their ego through the roof as ‘they still got it’, especially if they’re with a younger affair partner. Once the OW/ OM becomes familiar, and /or both parties’ masks start to slip, (affair partners are always on their best behaviour to one another, trying to find out what to do/ who to be, to be idealised by the new person.) then many affairs fizzle out. The sneaking around was fun until the excitement, longing and forbidden nature of “I can only make Tuesdays” becomes seeing each other every Tuesday at the same hotel and routine sets in. Routine, and both affair partners just knowing each other better as time goes on, kills the novelty and can be the very reason why what was fun and exciting might start to look dull and tawdry.
When an affair is discovered, cheaters can either get a wake up call and be mortified at what they have done and distance themselves completely, or conversely the threat of losing the affair can suddenly ramp up the excitement again and heighten the feelings of forbidden fruit.
I guess whether you are happy or not, affairs have nothing to do with perceived ‘deficiencies’ of the betrayed partner, they are completely to do with the void within, and deficient moral compass and selfishness of the cheater.
You can be a great partner or spouse and if at that moment they decide to cheat, there’s not a damn thing you can do about it and there wasn’t a damn thing you could have done beforehand to be ‘better’ to stop it. It’s about the cheaters’ egos and internal deficiencies, not the betrayed partner’s inability to meet their needs. The excitement of novelty and meeting someone new is exactly that and no long term partner can ever meet that need.

Thewookiemustgo

If you’re happy with a person and love them enough, you don’t need novelty.

Of course those first few months with a new person are great, but if that feeling beats the feeling of being with your long term partner, then you’ve never experienced real love, respect and happiness.

Do you really want to stay married? Is there pressure from family friends to forgive? Is there a sunk cost fallacy? If he had not had a breakdown would you have bothered?
You won the pick me dance, but its often a unsatisfying win.
It will take years to not feel betrayed and abandoned.
He knew the potential consequences when he CHOSE to sleep with her. Making her out to be a two faced seducer is not going to stop the buried hurt from coming up.
Maybe you are better off seperating and he could actively start again with you slowly on your terms to rebuild trust.
Personally, I admire people like you who can give another chance so soon. But it is also telling him you forgive him anything. Karma works both ways. Maybe he does not deserve you?

@BuyDirt we’ll have to agree to disagree. Infidelity is honestly not as simple as that. The feeling of being with the long term partner usually can’t be beaten, even by the cheater, which is why most cheaters would rather lose the affair partner than their long term partner. Cheaters are selfish, many want the feeling their long term partner brings them AND novelty. Hence the ‘cake and eat it’ phrase. They want their long term partner but selfishly take the high from the affair as well. It’s just too easy to say all cheaters are unhappy or all cheaters don’t love their partner enough.
Infidelity isn’t always an ‘instead of’ because they prefer the AP, more often than not it’s an ‘as well as’ and the spouse or partner is far more often the preferred partner when forced to choose, or if the affair fizzles out.
No cheater has ever experienced real love, respect and happiness? Even in a long term relationship which has lasted many years? I doubt it. Experience of real love, respect and happiness often has little to do with infidelity or whether or not someone will cheat. I have a very close family member who cheated and never, ever fell out of love with their spouse. At the time there were no children involved, they were in their early thirties and financially independent and could have left their marriage pretty easily. They loved their spouse and always have, with hindsight they saw the once idealised affair partner’s attractive qualities as no better, just new and different and were genuinely mortified at how easily the ego boost and flattery got the better of them. They weep to this day at the thought of it and they will soon celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary and are very happy.
You might not need novelty and most people actually need it like a hole in the head, but over the years I’ve read posts here by posters who never thought they’d cheat in a million years and were happy, who admitted that the ego boost, flattery and novelty of an attractive person’s interest in them was more than they could resist. Except that affairs are always wrong, and the blame lies at the door of the cheater, nothing else is as black and white.

Maybe he does not deserve you

Yes some people do not deserve to be loved anymore by the people who did once love them.

If you’re happy with a person and love them enough, you don’t need novelty

I also agree with this, if your partner does not recognise that an enduring love is different to a novelty and new love then you are mismatched. One believes in a different type of love to the other.

They may realise their mistake after the event that one maybe better than the other but nevertheless the deficiency is there, it has occured.

There is little relief in knowing that your partner now regrets the actions they took.
Sometimes you have to reconcile with the fact you made a bad choice in a partner.

Thewookiemustgo

You’re talking rubbish. If you love someone enough and you’re happy, you don’t cheat. You can dress it up as something else but that’s the truth.

Cheaters will never get their needs met by one person. They ‘need’ more. They are chancers who don’t think things through. They shouldn’t enter into what the other person believes to be a monogamous relationships.

Really can’t be arsed arguing about cheating cunts anymore. Weird you want to justify their behaviour with this bullshit whilst saying it’s wrong. Hopefully OP will see she deserves better.

Do you really want to stay married? Is there pressure from family friends to forgive? Is there a sunk cost fallacy?

This sounds so obvious but as this poster so astutely points out that not untill you have broken those bonds of family, extended family and certain friends do you understand the ties that bind you.

To separate and feel the freedom of others not being involved in your decisions is very powerful and emancipating. I never understood the obligations that were expected of me until I separated and felt the constrictions lift, my life became my own, to make the right choices for me.

The separation need not be instantly, it can be when you are ready.
And when you are ready maybe some time away, but you are free to choose your own agenda now as he broke your contract, different rules now apply.

@Thewookiemustgo. You are bang on correct. The idea that if you are happy you don’t cheat is to some extent true but many cheaters aren’t unhappy with their relationship , they simply want to experience again that feeling of ‘newness/the chase/the ego boost’ — on the whole I think (whilst not always the case) women tend to cheat if they aren’t happy in their primary relationship, men tend to cheat more out of ego boost/opportunism . I think many people find long term relationships a bit Groundhog Day- but dont like to admit it.

Oh and as for the ‘takes 2 to 3 years to feel better’ Mm— I wouldn’t necessarily say you feel better— more that its less intense in your mind all the time— I certainly have never felt exactly the same as before finding out someone you nevercwould have thought it of could be a shit

I get that you are still angry but you are focusing your anger in the wrong place.
The OW didn't marry you and have children with you. She didn't betray you. Your H did that. She betrayed her own husband and that's on her. Your H is solely responsible for cheating on you and breaking up your marriage. Block her on SM. It's not good for you or re-building your marriage.

Fire brigade is full of shaggers; they cover for each other. There is even a ringtone that sounds just like their pagers going off, they all had it. They all laughed about it.
If it was late on a weekend, On their way back from a shout, they would do a ‘pussy patrol’ . Which basically meant driving back slowly through the town centre. Most women go weak at the knees for a firefighter and they all encouraged it.
How do you know if the bloke you’re talking to is fire fighter?🤔 don’t worry, they’ll fucking tell you !
I would imagine the whole station knew , sorry op.