Recovering from affair

[Roxylou2011]

Hi, been married to my husband for 6 years been together 11. Two beautiful children. We’ve always had a great relationship. I’m august 2020 he was very off with me and told me he didn’t love me anymore. This came as a complete shock. Aside from lockdown being a strange time I didn’t feel any reasons to have issues in our marriage.
I’ll cut out the nitty gritty but this went on on and off until January 2021. Turned out he was having an affair with someone at work. He is a firefighter as is she.
Heartbroken isn’t even the word. During the whole time the different level of emotions I face were horrific. I have no idea how I hid it all from the kids but I did. I lost an insane amount of weight as I couldn’t eat. I was unwell. Lost, confused angry.
It got to the point we told the kids we were separating and he moved out. They were shattered and didn’t see it coming.
We spent some time apart, still talking of course because of the kids. He had been on and off with this other woman. She too was married but no kids.
I even spoke to her husband on the phone he too had been dealing with the same as me.
After about 5 weeks of living apart he had a mental breakdown. Got diagnosed by the doctor with severe depression. This was a long time coming. He started therapy and meds. I was having therapy at this point btw.
So anyway his relationship with the other woman ended a few weeks before he moved out (I had spoken to her on the phone) and we decided after a while to reconcile. We both attended therapy together and I can hand on heart say he is a different person. Yes I know trust has been broken and it will take a lot of time and patience and forgiveness this isn’t fixed overnight. This has been my decision. He has shown remorse for what he’s done and he’s a different person, he is still on medication and therapy I think a lot of underlying issues were there. That’s no excuse for what he did I’m not making excuses but I have chosen to move forward.
He moved fire brigades and we’ve moved house as the okd house had as memories for me.
So far we are doing very well
But one thing I’m struggling with is seeing her give the big “I represent women I’m a woman in the fire service” no love you don’t you shit all over a woman and two kids and destroyed a family. She isn’t one bit sorry. I’ve never got revenge or tried to. I never plastered it on social media or called her out because I am bigger than that. Everyone thinks the sun shines out of her backside. But I know the truth. She’s not a woman, she’s an immature little girl. I’d love to have her colleagues know what she did and embarrass her but I don’t know if I should. I feel like she deserves to suffer the way she made me
Equally I need to let go I just hate she got away with it that’s all
Please don’t comment judging my decision to give my marriage a go. He’s paid for what’s happened
I don’t have to forgive her but I have to forgive him

@TyrannosaurusRegina

The OW was in the wrong as was your DH. She is a nasty, sneaky, deceitful rat (as is your DH) and yes, I would be commenting on her SM posts to let people know what she's done. I don't care if people see that as right or wrong, it's what I'd do. What kind of person has an affair and cheats on their other half or has an affair with an attached person?

well then the OP would look very silly as people will probably snoop and see that she's still with her husband.

I bet the OP would hate if the OW's ex husband commented on all of the OP's husbands SM posts!

What kind of person has an affair and cheats on their other half or has an affair with an attached person?

The OPs husband is that kind of person!!!!!!

It would look beyond ridiculous to go on social media calling someone out and making out they're the worst person in the world for their behaviour while staying with your partner who also engaged in the exact same behaviour and who was the one who should actually have been loyal to you.

The truth is that real recovery from what you've been through will mean that, eventually, you won't think about her or speculate on her morals/feminist ideology, because you'll be too busy with your own life and your own well-being.

Thinking about her is just another stage of affair recovery to navigate, and it will pass like all the other rubbish stages.

You sound like you are sure you've made the right decision to stay in the marriage and I wish you the very best in that. I am two years down the line from discovering my husband's affair too, so a lot of what you describe is very familiar. We also separated, before reconciling 8 months later.

I realised that looking her up online, even years later, is a big trigger for me so I avoid it. But I also don't really wish her any ill, she was young (aren't they always!) and probably a bit naïve to what an incredibly complicated situation she was getting involved in (our marriage was a complete mess!). I am sure life will teach her many lessons along the way and she'll look back on it with a very different perspective when she's a decade and two kids into her future marriage.

It's all about letting go and finding yourself again, and crucially finding yourself out of the context of the marriage. We all lose ourselves in motherhood and marriage and I personally have loved the chance to get back to my old self!