Recovering from affair

[Roxylou2011]

Hi, been married to my husband for 6 years been together 11. Two beautiful children. We’ve always had a great relationship. I’m august 2020 he was very off with me and told me he didn’t love me anymore. This came as a complete shock. Aside from lockdown being a strange time I didn’t feel any reasons to have issues in our marriage.
I’ll cut out the nitty gritty but this went on on and off until January 2021. Turned out he was having an affair with someone at work. He is a firefighter as is she.
Heartbroken isn’t even the word. During the whole time the different level of emotions I face were horrific. I have no idea how I hid it all from the kids but I did. I lost an insane amount of weight as I couldn’t eat. I was unwell. Lost, confused angry.
It got to the point we told the kids we were separating and he moved out. They were shattered and didn’t see it coming.
We spent some time apart, still talking of course because of the kids. He had been on and off with this other woman. She too was married but no kids.
I even spoke to her husband on the phone he too had been dealing with the same as me.
After about 5 weeks of living apart he had a mental breakdown. Got diagnosed by the doctor with severe depression. This was a long time coming. He started therapy and meds. I was having therapy at this point btw.
So anyway his relationship with the other woman ended a few weeks before he moved out (I had spoken to her on the phone) and we decided after a while to reconcile. We both attended therapy together and I can hand on heart say he is a different person. Yes I know trust has been broken and it will take a lot of time and patience and forgiveness this isn’t fixed overnight. This has been my decision. He has shown remorse for what he’s done and he’s a different person, he is still on medication and therapy I think a lot of underlying issues were there. That’s no excuse for what he did I’m not making excuses but I have chosen to move forward.
He moved fire brigades and we’ve moved house as the okd house had as memories for me.
So far we are doing very well
But one thing I’m struggling with is seeing her give the big “I represent women I’m a woman in the fire service” no love you don’t you shit all over a woman and two kids and destroyed a family. She isn’t one bit sorry. I’ve never got revenge or tried to. I never plastered it on social media or called her out because I am bigger than that. Everyone thinks the sun shines out of her backside. But I know the truth. She’s not a woman, she’s an immature little girl. I’d love to have her colleagues know what she did and embarrass her but I don’t know if I should. I feel like she deserves to suffer the way she made me
Equally I need to let go I just hate she got away with it that’s all
Please don’t comment judging my decision to give my marriage a go. He’s paid for what’s happened
I don’t have to forgive her but I have to forgive him

@hereforthetea

You can have an affair and still want the best for women. I've had an affair, that one action doesn't mean I don't support other women. You might want to think that but it's not the case. People have affairs for many reasons, and it's rarely just to shit on another person.

If you go after her, you're doing to risk damaging the relationship that you're trying to repair with your husband. I'm not sure why you would want to do that when you are both working so hard towards fixing things. You're going to make him look as bad as her.

Im sorry but having an affair is a purely selfish action! You know exactly what you are doing to another female but you just don't care.

It doesn’t sound as if you’ve forgiven him at all. Not a criticism as I couldn’t forgive that either, just an observation.

If she’s now divorced what other punishment do you have in mind? Surely in that frame of mind your husband should be punished by you, also?

But you’ve decided not to divorce so you have to let it go. Therapy can only do so much.

I think as you have chosen to forgive him, you need to let it go and move on. You wouldn’t feel any better whatever you do. I think humans make mistakes and he has made a monumental one. Focus on carrying rebuilding your marriage as that is what is important to you.

Maybe that’s been misread. Yes he should be bloody grateful he should be patient! I meant if I have a bad day and need to rip into him or let my anger out he understands why I’m like that
He knows it will take time and he lets me get things off my chest that’s all I meant and rightly so
Time is a healer it’s only been just under a year

Her husband divorced her, you're still married - how has she not had any consequences?
Of course she has done wrong, they both have, but they are equal in their wrong doing which you don't seem to think.
If she shit all over your family your husband did too - if you can think he's a different person, then surely she can be?

As for representing women in the fire service - she can still be a role model to women in that industry without her personal life coming into it. They aren't connected in any way at all, and it's frankly immature to suggest otherwise. You hate her of course you do but she's had her karma. Leave it and work on your marriage rather than deflecting.

I can guarantee more than 3 people at their work knew about, I’m sure almost everyone did. I’ve worked at a couple of companies where office affairs have happened and everyone always all knew, even in cases where I’m certain the couple would have sworn they didn’t. These things always get out in workplaces.

Please don’t contact her work or colleagues, the only person who will come out looking bad is you. I’ve been in a situation where a work affair was happening, and the woman’s husband contacted me and my boss (we’re HR) to tell us what was going on and it was just very embarrassing. We felt sorry for the man but it was nothing to do with work and it just was awkward and now, a few years on, has become an incident people joke about. Don’t become that. Keep your dignity and head held high. In my experience most work colleagues take an attitude of personal lives of colleagues aren’t their business and don’t change their opinions of the cheaters.

I feel so much empathy for your rage. Currently helping my SIL through similar feelings about her ex and his other woman, but in the long run it will be so much better to disengage from her entirely. Don’t check her social media so you’ll never have to see her claiming to be a woman supporting women again. Wish you the best of luck.

@Roxylou2011

Maybe that’s been misread. Yes he should be bloody grateful he should be patient! I meant if I have a bad day and need to rip into him or let my anger out he understands why I’m like that He knows it will take time and he lets me get things off my chest that’s all I meant and rightly so Time is a healer it’s only been just under a year

That’s so worrying. He lets you abuse him when you’ve had a bad day?

You’ve clearly not forgiven him at all. And you’re trying to transfer it to her instead becayse it’s still there and strong.

Why are you staying? Turning this into a relationship where he is abused isn’t going to make this marriage work. It will just be someone else next time and he won’t come back.

As for representing women in the fire service - she can still be a role model to women in that industry without her personal life coming into it

Hmm, she doesn't sound like much of a role model to me. Most people do see a link between how you behave at work, and how you behave when you think no one is watching. Remember why Matt Hancock got the sack?

They aren't connected in any way at all, and it's frankly immature to suggest otherwise

What does this even mean? One person, is connected to anything they do, by virtue of the fact that they are one person, with the same morals each and every time they do anything.

Otherwise, you might as well say that Peter Sutcliffe could have been a good Prime Minister. The fact that he was a murderer isn't connected at all, to his role as Prime Minister?

I might see if Ted Bundy wants to babysit my Puppy next week - what could go wrong?

That’s so worrying. He lets you abuse him when you’ve had a bad day?

There aren't enough Eye roll emoji's in all the world for this.

@BlondeDogLady - her having an affair doesn't change that she could be a very good fire fighter, and a role model to women wanting to get into a male dominated industry.
Comparing it to Peter sutcliffe is ridiculous, get a grip. She had an affair she didn't murder anyone.

@BlondeDogLady
*
I might see if Ted Bundy wants to babysit my Puppy next week - what could go wrong?*

Are you ok hun?
An affair doesn't compromise her ability to do her job. Why on earth you're comparing it to random serial killers is bonkers and somewhat hilarious.

She looks really stupid, breaking up her marriage for someone that she didn't even last with more than five minutes. If she's trying to act sassy now it's because it's so embarrassing.

she’s always posting about women raising women and sticking together
You know she's fake, this confirms it further. At least she's not doing something that makes you question your judgement of her, like rescuing kittens or raising money for charity!

Why do you know what she is posting, though, when you claim that I have chosen to move forward? Block the woman. Move forward. Stop hanging around on her profile or whatever you are doing. If your friends know her and are telling you this, tell them to stop harping on about her.

Abused absolutely not that’s the wrong word to use here
Don’t misinterpret my words

I’m not going to contact anyone I’ve kept my dignity this long and I’ll continue to do so.

We have so many friends in common that’s how it pops up but your right I just need to block her

I can't imagine that a workplace affair resulting in one of the employees relocating went unnoticed in the fire service. They will know.
It sounds as if your life has (quite understandably) become quite fixed around fixing your marriage. How does the rest of your life look? Do you have a fulfilling work/social/creative life that doesn't centre around your relationship? If not it might be worth you focussing on that for a while. I'm sure I would feel exactly as you do in your situation, but be your own best pal she doesn't deserve your energy or attention.

@BlondeDogLady

As for representing women in the fire service - she can still be a role model to women in that industry without her personal life coming into it

Hmm, she doesn't sound like much of a role model to me. Most people do see a link between how you behave at work, and how you behave when you think no one is watching. Remember why Matt Hancock got the sack?

They aren't connected in any way at all, and it's frankly immature to suggest otherwise

What does this even mean? One person, is connected to anything they do, by virtue of the fact that they are one person, with the same morals each and every time they do anything.

Otherwise, you might as well say that Peter Sutcliffe could have been a good Prime Minister. The fact that he was a murderer isn't connected at all, to his role as Prime Minister?

I might see if Ted Bundy wants to babysit my Puppy next week - what could go wrong?

Matt Hancock resigned after he broke social distancing rules.

You either decide you can put up with it, or you don't.

Unfortunately you are clearly deflecting all your anger on TOW and not your husband because it’s too painful. It’s easier to cast your husband as someone who was depressed and had weaknesses and her as an unfeeling home-wrecker. Your husband is the one who did this to you. She was complicit but she wasn’t the one who made vows and betrayed you.
Be honest with yourself about how angry and deeply hurt you are and realize that although you can’t admit it to yourself, your angeris really about his betrayal and behavior.

@SunflowerTed

This is the first time on here that I’ve not thought someone should leave their marriage due to cheating. It seems like he is contrite and doing all the things you need to get back on track. You have revenge on her in a way as you are rebuilding your marriage, you seem a lovely person and she is a bitch. What goes around always comes around and she will get her comeuppance. If you truly want to move forward you need to put her in a box and store her away. People probably don’t think the sun shines out of her - she will get found out eventually x

This a thousand time..what goes round, comes round

People would like to think that was true, and it's always trotted out on these threads. "What goes around comes around" "Karma is a bitch" etc

It's often not true at all.

There aren't enough Eye roll emoji's in all the world for this.

Really? So of a woman posted that she had an affair and her husband stayed with her but now she had to let him rip into her whenever he’d had a bad day or take his anger out on her, youd roll your eyes into thr back of your skull,,or is it because it’s a man who cheated you think ripping into someone a year later when you’ve had a bad day isn’t abusive?

Looking from the outside she has been punished much more than your husband. They both cheated. He's been forgiven (or is on the way to be) and has kept his marriage and home. She's ended up divorced. Her punishment is stronger than your husband's. Why do you think she should be punished even more?

I understand your anger towards the ow as I was angry too but ultimately, it was my ex dh who let me down, not her. I had met her but she wasn't thinking about me or our dc when they were getting cosy.

I'm sure the ow in my case will feel bad in time about what she did (maybe when/if he gets married and has kids herself one day...she was younger...such is the cliche) but I can't control whether she does or doesn't. Having seen some of the messages between my exh and her, I am sure she believed I was some wicked witch and that he was deeply unhappy with me so she wasn't doing anything wrong. That was all untrue, of course but you'd be surprised what people make up to make them look less bad. My ex even admitted that much of what he said I was never meant to see and he was just "showing off".

So yes, you are entitled to be angry but that anger is only eating you up, not her.

@layladomino

Looking from the outside she has been punished much more than your husband. They both cheated. He's been forgiven (or is on the way to be) and has kept his marriage and home. She's ended up divorced. Her punishment is stronger than your husband's. Why do you think she should be punished even more?

Why has she been punished?

She may have wanted to divorce, if she's the type of person to have an affair then she doesn't give two shits about ther husband, really.

Op I agree her moral compass is lacking as is your husbands.
You can't forgive either, neither should you, forgiveness isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Just remember at any time you can opt out of this forgiveness lark and choose a different path. If in so many months/years time your confidence returns you may want to reasess the situation of staying together.

Decisions arn't fixed forever and you are allowed to change your mind at any point.

That choice could make you feel more in control.

Or you could just do a Shania Twain and shag the ow's husband, two birds with one stone.

Good luck, sorry your life has been filled with a bunch of shits.