Should I tell my friend I love him?

[DitzyDilema]

I’m in a pickle, and I keep changing my mind about what to do! Basically myself and my friend are both single (I’m female, he is male). Nothing had ever happened between us, despite that fact that quite a few people have asked whether there’s something going on! We message each other most days, and get together one evening a week socially (usually with others there) and the occasional coffee just the two of us. We’ve been friends for about 10 years - back then I was married and he had a long term girlfriend.
So… nothing has ever happened romantically, but people who know us both often say we should be together and they don’t understand why we aren’t. I’d say he is one of my best friends, and I’ve never thought of him in a romantic sense - until now! I don’t know what has happened, but all of a sudden I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s right there in my head when I wake up and pretty much stays there all day. When my phone buzzes with a message and his name pops up I get this little flip in my stomach and smile because I know he must have been thinking about me, even just for a second. He’s never said or done anything that makes me think he sees me as anything other than a friend, but then again I’ve not given him or anyone else that impression either. But I think, out of nowhere, I’ve completely fallen for him! And I really don’t know what to do.

Part of me wants to tell him, and see what happens. Also because I tell him everything usually so it feels strange keeping this secret. But there’s a huge part that is terrified that he doesn’t feel the same (which I suspect is the case) and if I say anything we’ll feel awkward around each other and I’ll mess up the relationship that we do have. He is always on dating apps and messaging various women which makes me think he’s not interested in me. But then maybe he is the same as me in that he doesn’t want to risk losing our friendship, and he’s assuming I don’t feel that way about him, so he’s getting on with his dating life. And the more he’s on dating apps the more likely he is to find someone and I might miss the chance to tell him how I feel.

I’m so confused.

Do I keep quiet so that I don’t risk losing the friendship that we have?
Is it possible that he might feel the same, but isn’t showing it or telling me because he’s also not wanting to risk the friendship if I wasn’t interested?
Should I just be honest and tell him, because we’re adults and it really doesn’t need to be that big a drama?
Should I tell him because actually he could be the love of my life if he feels the same?
If I keep quiet, how on earth do I get over my feelings and be normal, especially when he does start seeing someone new and I will inevitably feel like poop?

I love spending time with him and would be devastated if that stopped.

What would you do?

I do t think joking is wise though, as it might lead him to think you're against it.

I think telling him is better than flirting. A close male friend started to flirt with me and it killed the friendship for me. I found it disrespectful that he was prepared to change the dynamic without my permission.

Twenty years on, we are friends again, but he knows not to push that boundary.

@Fairylightsongs

I also think some folks think this is entertaining and really don’t care if you loose the friendship or the crushing humiliation uo will feel if he says no.

Honestly op make a couple of jokey suggestive remarks, see if he goes with it.

Why on earth would you be crushingly humiliated for revealing you have feelings for someone?

I wouldn't OP, you've said yourself he doesn't feel the same. Unless of course you're willing to lose the friendship because that is likely to happen.

How you getting on? Told him yet?

@WhoAre

I would get naked and just show him your goodies and be like how's about it

No you wouldn’t.

I think people have forgotten this is a real person with a real dilemma who will have to try and stay friends with this man after all the drama has died down. What makes an exciting thread rarely is the best plan for real life.

I don’t see how a private conversation or short message saying would they be interested in seeing if things could develop beyond friendship is mortifying. I’m not talking about declaring love just a I enjoy spending time with you and I’m single would you be interested in seeing if things could develop. Op’s been married. I’m assuming she’s 30s or 40s not a teenager. It’s flattering. Worse case scenario he backs off the 1-1 coffees you can still be friends as a group. Involving mates, hints, flirting, jokes all makes me cringe but Op knows her friend. I don’t agree if he was interested he’d make a move it’s an awkward decision as op is weighing up.
At least she then knows he’d rather stay as friends or maybe they will be happy together as a couple.

I do like the suggestion to suggest a drink if you only usually meet 1-1 with coffee. So ask him privately or by message if he fancies meeting for a drink. That shifts the tone I think.

I'd do some serious flirting !

I asked my DH out, so I am all for fortune favouring the brave !
He may never have thought of you as a potential partner due to your history, but feelings, as you have found, can change.
He may need time to think about it it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a good idea.
Or he may be secretly feeling the same as you.
I think as long as you tell him that you will get over it and move on if he isn’t at all interested, then your friendship might shift but not for ever. It has shifted anyway, so that ship has sailed.
Just tell him. Life is fleeting and chances of happiness should be grasped when they arise. Ask him on a date. You could have sent him the traditional anonymous but hinting Valentine, but that chance is a year away. What is the worst that could happen ? He could say no, but then mull over it and feel differently, or he could say no and that stay a no. You would only be where you are now. Not so bad. Of course rejection hurts but missing out on love hurts more.

My DH and I were good friends for a couple of years before we got together.

He was never shy in making it clear he was interested in us being more than friends but I was just out of a relationship and made it clear he wasn't in with a chance. But it never made it awkward or stopped me wanting to hang out.

Then a year or two down the line he had a coupe of dates and I found myself feeling pretty jealous! I think my sudden interest in being more than friends surprised him a little but it ended up very well for us both.

17 years later we're still ludicrously in love and happy and I think having started as friends means we had none of the getting to know each other and our interests. We laugh at the same jokes still and knew where each other stood on ethical stuff etc.

Friends first is certainly the ideal relationship start in my opinion. X

Some people are hard to read, some people aren’t very good at reading others. I sympathise with the OP, people might tell her he’s not interested, but there is that fear of losing out that is going to niggle.
OP you know this guy, and your friendship with him, and your romantic feelings for him, so you will know the best way to broach the topic in a way that won’t bring undue embarrassment.
Personally (I am male) I have had on one occasion a female friend tell me of her feelings, and she presented them in a very heavy and emotional way and they weren’t reciprocated and it made it awkward and frankly it took the friendship a long time to recover. In fact it never really has.
Conversely, I had a friend tell me, in a slightly sly but good humoured way, that she quite fancied me, in a sort of “I would” way, which was easy for me to laugh off and did not much affect our friendship.
I have also been in the same position as OP; someone with whom I had very good rapport. I felt there was a connection, but found her very hard to read, and due to various circumstances, found it very hard to orchestrate a situation where things might happen organically. So I just told her, in as light hearted a way as possible, that I found her attractive, and, boom boom, she looked at me like I had wafted a full nappy under her nose. I felt very stupid, and it didn’t do our friendship any good, but I’m glad I did it because otherwise I’d be left with that “what if”, which can be quite torturous.
That said, previous posters have pointed out that these feelings might be a symptom of other things going on in your life and can pass as easily as they arose, but as the cliche goes; you tend to regret the things you didn’t do in life.

Christ no. If he likes you he’d have done something about it. He’s likely to go for it if you tell him as men take what’s on offer normally but probably just string you along until something better pops up on the apps. People always meanly encourage on these threads.

@Notwithittoday

Christ no. If he likes you he’d have done something about it. He’s likely to go for it if you tell him as men take what’s on offer normally but probably just string you along until something better pops up on the apps. People always meanly encourage on these threads.

As they have an already established relationship I think the paranoid “fuck & chuck” scenario you propose seems unlikely, no?

You have to tell him. 6 months is a long time to have feelings! If he doesn’t feel the same way it doesn’t mean your friendship Will change. It’s not like you’ve loved him for all those years you were friends. Tell him, you’ve recently felt like this and if he doesn’t then that’s fine. Like the other poster mentioned, if he died you’d deeply regret not telling him.

I have a very close male friend. Similar situation - both single, people always thinking something is going on etc. He is fab. I developed feelings for him and I told him - to be honest, I thought he might feel the same, but he didn’t 🤷‍♀️

When I told him it was because it was getting unpleasant and annoying thinking about him all the time and analysing our interactions. I thought, either he feels the same and that’s great, or he doesn’t and I can put it to bed. If you tell him you have to be sure that you’d be ok with any response. It absolutely hurt when my friend said he didn’t feel the same and it was embarrassing for all of about 10 minutes but luckily he made sure I didn’t feel uncomfortable. To be honest if anything we are better friends now. I don’t regret it at all - it set me free from the constant overthinking and now I can appreciate our friendship for the wonderful and fulfilling thing it is in and of itself.

I think you should go for it. You will regret not telling him and your friendship, if it’s worth anything, will survive it.

Tomorrow is never promised - go for it.
How exciting!

Well, I told him! I messaged him - no mention of the L word, but told him that I’d developed feelings for him, wanted him to know, but completely understood if he didn’t feel the same way. He has been really lovely - he doesn’t feel the same way, which I strongly suspected, but as someone said earlier I was still over analysing every interaction so now I feel that I’ve got a definite answer so I can move on from that and concentrate on what we do have rather than wondering what we could have.
He is worried about whether I’m ok - basically saying he’s glad I’ve been honest about it but he doesn’t want me to feel rubbish now I’ve said it. We’ve both said that we don’t want to lose what we have now. I guess time will tell as to whether that’s possible, but I do think we will be ok.

Thanks so much for all the advice. I’m really glad I decided to tell him. Even though it might be a bit awkward initially, I do feel like I can relax more now and move on, and focus on him as my friend, rather than constantly hoping for something or wondering how he actually feels. I know some said that if he was interested he would let me know, but I actually don’t know if he would - I think he would have felt the same as me in that he wouldn’t want to risk our friendship by admitting it to me or anyone else. But obviously that wasn’t the reason - in this case it really was as simple as him just not seeing me that way!

Obviously I’m sad, as it would have been nice for him to have swept me off my feet! But it’s absolutely fine. It could have gone worse, and I’m optimistic that we’ll be able to keep focussed on the good things.

I’m sorry it wasn’t the outcome you hoped for, but I like how you’ve though about it. It took courage both to ask and to deal with his reply.

I can see that you've told him op but I find it strange that you have only just developed feelings for him after knowing him for 10 years. It might be that there is noone else in the horizon so you are trying to put your feelings somewhere.

Get out there and start dating. I'm sure your feelings will soon return to that of a friend and you'll laugh about it.

@DitzyDilema

Well, I told him! I messaged him - no mention of the L word, but told him that I’d developed feelings for him, wanted him to know, but completely understood if he didn’t feel the same way. He has been really lovely - he doesn’t feel the same way, which I strongly suspected, but as someone said earlier I was still over analysing every interaction so now I feel that I’ve got a definite answer so I can move on from that and concentrate on what we do have rather than wondering what we could have. He is worried about whether I’m ok - basically saying he’s glad I’ve been honest about it but he doesn’t want me to feel rubbish now I’ve said it. We’ve both said that we don’t want to lose what we have now. I guess time will tell as to whether that’s possible, but I do think we will be ok.

Thanks so much for all the advice. I’m really glad I decided to tell him. Even though it might be a bit awkward initially, I do feel like I can relax more now and move on, and focus on him as my friend, rather than constantly hoping for something or wondering how he actually feels. I know some said that if he was interested he would let me know, but I actually don’t know if he would - I think he would have felt the same as me in that he wouldn’t want to risk our friendship by admitting it to me or anyone else. But obviously that wasn’t the reason - in this case it really was as simple as him just not seeing me that way!

Obviously I’m sad, as it would have been nice for him to have swept me off my feet! But it’s absolutely fine. It could have gone worse, and I’m optimistic that we’ll be able to keep focussed on the good things.

Well done OP! I’m sorry it wasn’t what you hoped for. But now you can stop thinking about whether him looking at you in that way or making that comment means he likes you or not.

I know it’s shit, and painful, and embarrassing, but honestly it will be fine. My friend and I get on absolutely amazingly still and he is always there for me. We love each other a lot, just as friends. Meeting him has still been one of the most fulfilling and wonderful things! Sometimes friendship is a lot more powerful than romance.

Perfect. That is exactly how you handle things as an adult! Brilliant stuff op!

@OrlandointheWilderness

Perfect. That is exactly how you handle things as an adult! Brilliant stuff op!

I know! In fact I almost think op must be a troll

@ToniLaRoni

I think you should tell him.

Worst case is he doesn't feel the same, things are awkward for a little while. Then life goes back to normal.

But think how wonderful the best case could work out. Totally worth the risk.

Please keep us updated!

this.