Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Should I tell my friend I love him?

132 replies

DitzyDilema · 27/02/2022 23:48

I’m in a pickle, and I keep changing my mind about what to do! Basically myself and my friend are both single (I’m female, he is male). Nothing had ever happened between us, despite that fact that quite a few people have asked whether there’s something going on! We message each other most days, and get together one evening a week socially (usually with others there) and the occasional coffee just the two of us. We’ve been friends for about 10 years - back then I was married and he had a long term girlfriend.
So… nothing has ever happened romantically, but people who know us both often say we should be together and they don’t understand why we aren’t. I’d say he is one of my best friends, and I’ve never thought of him in a romantic sense - until now! I don’t know what has happened, but all of a sudden I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s right there in my head when I wake up and pretty much stays there all day. When my phone buzzes with a message and his name pops up I get this little flip in my stomach and smile because I know he must have been thinking about me, even just for a second. He’s never said or done anything that makes me think he sees me as anything other than a friend, but then again I’ve not given him or anyone else that impression either. But I think, out of nowhere, I’ve completely fallen for him! And I really don’t know what to do.

Part of me wants to tell him, and see what happens. Also because I tell him everything usually so it feels strange keeping this secret. But there’s a huge part that is terrified that he doesn’t feel the same (which I suspect is the case) and if I say anything we’ll feel awkward around each other and I’ll mess up the relationship that we do have. He is always on dating apps and messaging various women which makes me think he’s not interested in me. But then maybe he is the same as me in that he doesn’t want to risk losing our friendship, and he’s assuming I don’t feel that way about him, so he’s getting on with his dating life. And the more he’s on dating apps the more likely he is to find someone and I might miss the chance to tell him how I feel.

I’m so confused.

Do I keep quiet so that I don’t risk losing the friendship that we have?
Is it possible that he might feel the same, but isn’t showing it or telling me because he’s also not wanting to risk the friendship if I wasn’t interested?
Should I just be honest and tell him, because we’re adults and it really doesn’t need to be that big a drama?
Should I tell him because actually he could be the love of my life if he feels the same?
If I keep quiet, how on earth do I get over my feelings and be normal, especially when he does start seeing someone new and I will inevitably feel like poop?

I love spending time with him and would be devastated if that stopped.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Seabreeze2 · 28/02/2022 09:13

If I were you I’d wait a bit. I have a male best friend and same thing happened to me, everyone would ask if there was anything between us, I didn’t fancy him looks wise, but all of sudden following a break up I “thought” I had feelings for him. I kept quiet and then several weeks later those feelings passed, and months later I was looking back thinking omg what on earth were those feelings about. We are still best friends years later, still love him to bits as a friend. So glad I didn’t say anything, and definitely no feelings, it was all just strange timing and I was just confused as I was getting over a break up and it made sense… or not lol.

Seabreeze2 · 28/02/2022 09:13

So wait a few more weeks is what I’m saying. Good luck.

NovemberHouse · 28/02/2022 09:14

@HollowTalk

I wouldn't do anything. I'd stay friendly with him and try to go out with him on my own as much as possible but I would not make the first move. If he is interested, he will do that.

😂😂😂

MaggieMooh · 28/02/2022 09:17

I wouldn’t tell him face to face. That puts him on the spot and is really awkward. I’d send him a text and let him think about a tactful response.

Pizzadreams · 28/02/2022 09:18

I think it’s ok to indicate you’d be interested in something more, tentatively in a way you can laugh it off and cause no damage, for the love of god please don’t tell him you love him or he is the love of your life. That’s too much and will ruin the friendship.

Pizzadreams · 28/02/2022 09:19

Something like when out for a drink. “Have you ever thought something could happen between us, people keep suggesting it” with a laugh.

30mph · 28/02/2022 09:22

Get yourself out there and dating. If he's at all interested, it will at least make him consider you from a fresher perspective. If not, you're opening yourself up to other possibilities.

HollowTalk · 28/02/2022 09:31

Why are people despairing of me?! I just think that if a guy is interested then he will make a move. Mumsnet is full of threads where women have made a move and it's gone belly up.

TheVolturi · 28/02/2022 09:36

@BeaAggressiv

"Sooo I had a date planned, booked a table at XYZ fancy candlelit restaurant and been let down, fancy being my date for the night?"

Maybe try that?

Good idea.

SarahBellam · 28/02/2022 09:37

Don’t tell him you love him. What you could do though is ask him out for dinner and take it from there. ‘Dave, I’m at a bit of a loose end this evening. Do you fancy trying the new Italian in town?’ Then you could be a bit more flirtatious, relax with some wine, and enjoy the romantic atmosphere - it could kickstart things?

CrochetBug · 28/02/2022 09:55

@HollowTalk

I wouldn't do anything. I'd stay friendly with him and try to go out with him on my own as much as possible but I would not make the first move. If he is interested, he will do that.

He might make the first move. He might not. My friend didn't. I've since found out he was mad about me and too shy to make the first move. We'd both 'joked' about getting married/having a baby and didn't realise the other person was serious/thought we had forever.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/02/2022 09:56

I’m cringing at the get your mate to tell him or tik tok suggestions presumably you are older.
I like the text idea similar to what a previous poster suggested. The I’m enjoying spending time with you, I think you are wonderful would you be interested in seeing if this could develop into more than friends. It’s flattering to him. Worse case scenario he says no I’m happy as friends and he perhaps stops the 1-1 meet ups but not so awkward you can still hang out as a group.

Tillow4ever · 28/02/2022 09:58

Not read the full thread, so apologies if you've updated further.

I was in a similar situation 20 years ago. My best friend was male and just one day I realised I was completely in love with him. We were so, so close - we'd call and text every day, email when he was away with work, see each other all the time, even went away together a couple of times. We actually had the conversation a couple of times about taking things further but he in particular was worried that it would ruin our friendship.

Then one day he admitted that he had feelings for me too and we ended up kissing after an evening of talking about what we should do, plans for the future, etc.

The next day he stopped talking to me at all. I tried apologising, tried giving him space, tried talking to him. Nothing helped. 20 years on I still mourn the loss of my best friend and if I could turn back time, I'd change things so that we never had that conversation. I regret losing the best friend I ever had (I've never had a friend that close since).

I'm telling you this so you can see what you risk losing if you decide to tell him how you feel. Be absolutely sure you would be ok never, ever seeing or speaking to him again if things go like they did for me.

Even now, I still don't understand what I did wrong, or why he cut me out of his life the way he did. I miss his friendship so, so much.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Loyaultemelie · 28/02/2022 09:59

Fwiw my male bf and I ended up skirting round the issue, I was escaping an abusive relationship which I did successfully, then his lovely father passed away and I supported him. We ended up confessing our feelings and are together almost 15 years and married 12

BoodleBug51 · 28/02/2022 10:23

My best friend in my early 20s was male. We were inseparable, and when we were both single, I told him that I'd like for it to be more. Cue the worst awkward silence ever........ and he drifted slowly away. There was just no coming back from it and I've regretted it for nearly 30 years.

Only tell him if you're prepared to lose him. Having read that book "He's not that into you", I'm always fairly convinced that most men would make a move if they wanted to.

ChickenStripper · 28/02/2022 10:27

Surely you must know if he fancies you or has feelings for you? It's usually pretty obvious.

Sfumato · 28/02/2022 10:32

@Seabreeze2

I think that’s a fair point. If you’ve been close friends for a decade and you’ve never thought of him sexually till now, I’d want to be very sure it wasn’t a hormone surge/boredom/whatever before I acted. One of my oldest friends (longterm single) used to go through periods of fancying a guy in a mutual friendship group and then going ‘What was I thinking?’ and then, months later, finding him attractive again for a week or two. I think she realised quickly that it wasn’t anything she should act on.

AuntieStella · 28/02/2022 10:33

I think you're right to discount what he said to mutual friends - it might be exactly what it says in the tin, but there's also a reasonable chance that he wouldn't want to talk about you in that way to third parties in case it misfires.

I think you have to find a way to give a broad enough hint so that if there is anything there he'll act on it, but if there isn't it's not embarrassing for either of you.

I'm not saying that because I recommend coyness generally, it's just that in this case there's a valuable friendship in the mix. If you weren't such good friends, I'd say be pretty direct.

Songlyrics · 28/02/2022 10:45

I think you should tell him because otherwise you are likely to become hung up on him, hoping for something that might never happen. It's better to know where you stand.

When I was young I had a male friend I spoke to for hours a day. I was besotted with him, and although he never flirted with me, he treated me very differently to all other women and many of my friends thought he might just be too shy to tell me he liked me. I am an incredibly awkward person so I was determined to say nothing and leave it up to him, but I spent so long hoping and waiting that in the end my friends convinced me to send him a Valentine's card, basically saying "I like you but if you don't feel the same I won't mention it again."

He didn't feel the same and told me so gently. It was awkward for about a week and them we were back to normal talking every day. I knew where I stood and I knew not to read anything into the things he said or did. It was actually quite freeing, and within 3 months I meet my now husband (who I would have never bothered getting to know if I had still been hoping for something with my friend).

I would send him a massage so he can react to it in private and if it's a no, he has the time to come up with a response that can maintain the friendship. I wouldn't mention "love". Make your feelings clear but keep them light and stress there's no pressure.

LovelyDaaling · 28/02/2022 10:48

Maybe ask him if it would bother him if you found a new partner? He can either say yes or no and you can take it from there. If he looks suitably horrified, that'd be a good sign.

Pizzadreams · 28/02/2022 10:50

@ChickenStripper

Surely you must know if he fancies you or has feelings for you? It's usually pretty obvious.

The op has already said she knows he doesn’t but is just hopeful she’s wrong.

Sfumato · 28/02/2022 10:58

@LovelyDaaling

Maybe ask him if it would bother him if you found a new partner? He can either say yes or no and you can take it from there. If he looks suitably horrified, that'd be a good sign.

Surely he might be looking horrified because the OP is assuming he has some skin in the game? I mean, I’d possibly look horrorstruck if an old friend coyly asked me if I’d mind if he got a new girlfriend!

Bluebellberry · 28/02/2022 11:03

Telling him outright is just too risky.
You could join some decent dating apps and start going on dates. Ask for his opinion and advice for each potential and actual date you go on. If he appears jealous you have you answer.
If not, well you might someone in the process anyway.Good luck!

Spaciet · 28/02/2022 11:11

Hmmm, me and Dh were friends for over a decade before we got into a relationship so I am a big advocate of going for it. I would be hesitant though if he has told 2 of your friends when questioned no- not even a sort of get out clause like I don't want to risk the friendship or whatever. I'd arrange to go for a drink or something and see how it goes, if you say out of the blue and he isn't interested I think it'll rui the friendship.

Nopetryagain · 28/02/2022 11:12

It doesn’t sound like you spend time on your own together other than having coffees which I assume is day time and stone cold sober. See if you can shake this up, have evenings out together which feel more ‘date’ like. That kind of relaxed environment is more likely to lead to something happening or at the least to more candid conversation about dating/relationships so you can test the waters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6