Should I tell my friend I love him?

[DitzyDilema]

I’m in a pickle, and I keep changing my mind about what to do! Basically myself and my friend are both single (I’m female, he is male). Nothing had ever happened between us, despite that fact that quite a few people have asked whether there’s something going on! We message each other most days, and get together one evening a week socially (usually with others there) and the occasional coffee just the two of us. We’ve been friends for about 10 years - back then I was married and he had a long term girlfriend.
So… nothing has ever happened romantically, but people who know us both often say we should be together and they don’t understand why we aren’t. I’d say he is one of my best friends, and I’ve never thought of him in a romantic sense - until now! I don’t know what has happened, but all of a sudden I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s right there in my head when I wake up and pretty much stays there all day. When my phone buzzes with a message and his name pops up I get this little flip in my stomach and smile because I know he must have been thinking about me, even just for a second. He’s never said or done anything that makes me think he sees me as anything other than a friend, but then again I’ve not given him or anyone else that impression either. But I think, out of nowhere, I’ve completely fallen for him! And I really don’t know what to do.

Part of me wants to tell him, and see what happens. Also because I tell him everything usually so it feels strange keeping this secret. But there’s a huge part that is terrified that he doesn’t feel the same (which I suspect is the case) and if I say anything we’ll feel awkward around each other and I’ll mess up the relationship that we do have. He is always on dating apps and messaging various women which makes me think he’s not interested in me. But then maybe he is the same as me in that he doesn’t want to risk losing our friendship, and he’s assuming I don’t feel that way about him, so he’s getting on with his dating life. And the more he’s on dating apps the more likely he is to find someone and I might miss the chance to tell him how I feel.

I’m so confused.

Do I keep quiet so that I don’t risk losing the friendship that we have?
Is it possible that he might feel the same, but isn’t showing it or telling me because he’s also not wanting to risk the friendship if I wasn’t interested?
Should I just be honest and tell him, because we’re adults and it really doesn’t need to be that big a drama?
Should I tell him because actually he could be the love of my life if he feels the same?
If I keep quiet, how on earth do I get over my feelings and be normal, especially when he does start seeing someone new and I will inevitably feel like poop?

I love spending time with him and would be devastated if that stopped.

What would you do?

Do tell him but with the caveat that it is ok if he says no and you won’t mention it again. In other words take care not to get heavy about it. And come back and let us know what he says!

I'd be hesitant to tell him, will you feel awkward in your friendship group if he tells you he doesn't feel the same way? Are you sure he isn't as friendly with others, texting them regularly also? I've an friendship who has a number of female friends he texts regularly and often but he'd run a mile if any suggested a relationship, I think he gets a little ego boost from them being available to reply to him but nothing else.

You have to tell him! He could genuinely meet someone else and your friendship as you know it could be over anyway.

There’s a lot of ‘head over heart’ when you’re older. Do it!

No, I wouldn’t tell him.

if something is meant to happen between you then it will happen naturally at some point.

But let’s be honest, if he doesn’t feel the same then your friendship will be over. Anyone with an ounce of decency would back right off from a friendship where the other had declared feelings which weren’t reciprocated.

Also, even if you gave a relationship there isn’t always a happy ever after. And relationships are different to friendships in that, should the relationship end, the friendship would be over as well.

So I would only tell him if you’re prepared to lose the friendship over it.

Some friendships are IMO worth more than losing because of feelings which may never amount to anything.

My best friend is male. We've been friends for more than a decade. I'm sorry, but if he suddenly expressed feelings like yours, it would end the friendship, I'm sure. I don't feel that way and it would become way too awkward for us to last for long afterwards. At best the friendship would be a shadow of what it is now..

your friends have told you gently that he's not interested

But they only know what he wants them to know. Maybe he is scared of losing you as a friend, maybe he has never thought of you like that, maybe he has, maybe he has and decided that he doesn't want anything more.

I would tell him, you can't live in this lust like state and continue being friends as it will just be too hard, tell him and deal with the fall out. Life is too short for what ifs.

Another for not telling him. Id try a very small amount of light flirtation maybe. If he doesn't take the bait id resolve to get over it or distance yourself.

I have 2 close male friends and if either of them suddenly said they were interested in me id be utterly freaked out. Its not that they aren't funny/attractive and all that. I just know them too well, it would be like being into my brother

I would maybe start discussing the future, then in a jokey way say "hey, if we're both single when we're 40, why don't you and I get together?!" Completely lightheartedly but also out of the blue, then gauge his reaction to that?

Oh my gosh, I’m completely agreeing with all the yes people and all the no people! It feels like I change my mind every hour!

I think you could have a conversation about it, without it being too heavy. So, you could ask “do you think we ever might be more than friends?”. If he recoils and looks like you’ve spat in his eye, you have your answer. Equally though, he might smile and say….maybe. I wouldn’t come straight out with “I lurrvveeee you” but I would test the waters a bit….

The point is, if your feelings aren’t going away the relationship for you has already changed. It’s not the same now so you may as well sound him out, express you’re worried about there being an elephant in the room if he doesn’t reciprocate but that for your side you would understand he if just wanted to stay friends. Be honest, not intense surely that’s the mark of a good friendship?

Given what your friends have said, I wouldn’t tell him. It doesn’t sound like he sees you as more than a friend.

Can you find our what dating app he's on and try and match with him? Then suggest an actual date "for a laugh".
It might change the dynamics a bit?

Pretend your doing a tik tok, where you do something silly and then turn around and kiss your best friend and film their reaction. If they move away, just say it's a tik tok thing, that you thought you would try and have a laugh about it.

This will give you your answer. If he goes in for a full on snog, enjoy, if he doesn't you have your answer.

I'm now married to my best friend, although we were only friends for a year before we coupled up. We were also only 19 when we met and started dating at 20 (although are nearly 40 with a child now)

We were best friends during ouf first year of uni, same course, same interests, sense of humour etc. But kind of circled each other as to not destroy the friendship and wider friendship group. Basically it was a bit of tipsy flirting, testing the waters and eventually lead to us hooking up after summer holidays in our second year. Although I wouldn't advise the same blundering teenage hormonal flirting technique I used which also included flirting with other guys a little to see if it made him jealous.

If I was to do it again at 39 I probably would still need a glass of wine for dutch courage but I would probably talk honestly about how I'd developed feelings for him. I'd give him an out and say you totally understand if he doesn't feel the same way as you felt totally platonically (is that a word?) only a short time ago and if he doesn't feel the same way you think you could return back to how you used to feel and move on to looking for someone else, just that the what ifs are driving you a bit nuts and you need to get it off your chest. X

I think if he said no he didn't feel anything you'd be able to amputate those feelings soon enough, noone wants an unreciprocated love and it would dampen my libido pretty quickly to have someone not want me in the same way.

Go for it OP I think its best to know, sometimes guys are a bit clueless and need a nudge. I reckon the friendship could recover too if its not reciprocated. X

I'll flip this from to the other point of view.

I have a life long friend who I've known since we were kids. I was in a LTR as was he, nothing ever happened. Not even a tiny little flirt through out our whole friendship!

We both then became single. Socialising together with others in the group and on our own. We went out one day for a drink (still totally platonic) and he told he he'd had deep feelings for me. I was really shocked and didn't know what to think but we both kept the conversation breezy. Others had said to both of us before why we aren't together and I guess we'd never thought about it before! It was never really awkward because we'd known each other for so bloody long we just had to figure out what to do. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't... not like him if that makes sense I just never thought from that point of view. We spent more time together, we'd go out for drinks, spend duvet days together playing Xbox and had such a good time. We kissed a couple of times and we had a laugh. Nothing deep ever happened and we never slept together. It carried on like this for a few months but it became very obvious that we really were the best of friends but I was very conscious of hurting him. But I did test the waters as I thought why bloody not!

We had a chat and he told he had feelings for me but my heart just wasn't in it, and neither was his in the end. I really wanted it to be. So did he. We were quite confused as to why not but we'd spent over a decade being amazing friends. It was tough as we'd spent quite a lot of alone time together He would've been an amazing boyfriend, he was very emotionally available, kind, funny etc etc. I was the same to him! It took is to test the waters to realise we just weren't comparable. We didn't know why as everything aligned but we weren't. (This may not be the case for you!!) But I loved him dearly and still do. We kept this quite private within our group because the more people who know, the more people you have to explain yourself to.

We made some distance for a few months. Not NC or anything, still socialising within our group. We didn't message everyday, probably every week or so. Then the group started to distance. We all remain friends. Really good friends! But we've grown up lots, im married with a small baby. He's now engaged with DD on the way.

We've all remained amazing friends ever since. Just in a bit of a more grown up way. I don't know if it was down to us 'testing the waters' or time and everyone doing their own thing.

We have a phone call once a month. Text every couple of weeks. Meet up a few times a year (as couples, so with my DH and his STBDW) and we get on like a house on fire. The friendship dynamics have slightly changed but I don't regret a thing. Nothing is awkward. No hard feelings. No other 'feelings' just a newly aligned friendship group and everyone gets in with their own lives.

But I had the best time with him, and don't regret it for a minute.

Feelings don't always end up fucking a friendship up or making it awkward. It doesn't have to be. It really doesn't.

I'm always a wear your heart on your sleeve person and I think go for it OP. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't mean game over and no friendship. You just take the time (like we did) that YOU need until you're ready. It's as much on your terms as it is his.

Good luck xxx

Can't you ask him how he's getting on with the dating apps? Then suggest that you and he go on a date? Nothing ventured nothing gained.

@Loopyloulou007

Pretend your doing a tik tok, where you do something silly and then turn around and kiss your best friend and film their reaction. If they move away, just say it's a tik tok thing, that you thought you would try and have a laugh about it.

This will give you your answer. If he goes in for a full on snog, enjoy, if he doesn't you have your answer.

I assume the poster is an adult.

I would be tempted to say something much more neutral than talking about love.
You could say “ People keep asking me if we are a couple, do you ever think of me like that?” that way you make yourself less vulnerable.

I wouldn't do anything. I'd stay friendly with him and try to go out with him on my own as much as possible but I would not make the first move. If he is interested, he will do that.

I don't know what you should do but I'm really hoping he loves you too!

I mean technically you do love him, a friendship to last that long on a regular basis must mean you love him, I love my long term friends. Can’t you tell him you love him and gauge his reaction, if he pulls away just say of course you love him, his more than a friend and like a brother to you?

Or just be truthful, I imagine he does like you otherwise he wouldn’t have stayed around so long

"Sooo I had a date planned, booked a table at XYZ fancy candlelit restaurant and been let down, fancy being my date for the night?"

Maybe try that?

I’m going to be MASSIVELY generalising here but in my experience and in the experience of every woman I’ve known in this scenario in the past and every male friend I’ve ever known…

If a male friend wanted more, he would engineer it to happen. Men aren’t (generally) subtle creatures who sit around chewing the fat over the tiniest nuances of their plutonic friendships.

If he wanted more, there is a very good chance he would have made this known in some way.
Even if he didn’t say it directly to you, he had the perfect opportunity when quizzed by your mutual friends. He said “friends and nothing more” …..

I have a friend who is currently in the almost exact scenario and some of our other friends are convinced he is actually madly in love with her and always say things like “oh he loves you he’s not holding back for some reason” - meanwhile he has said to me twice that there is absolutely nothing more than a friendship and he actively talks about the type of relationship he wants - which sounds nothing like the personality of my friend.

At dinner recently I felt awful having to be the one to say “sorry but no he doesn’t secretly love you” - when all my other friends were pumping her full of false hope.

If you’re going to do anything for gods sake don’t declare your undying love, just casually say something like “we should just give up on the apps and date each other… or would that be too weird”
He then has the chance to say “no not too weird at all” or say fuck yes that’d be like dating my sister.

Good luck either way OP

@HollowTalk

I wouldn't do anything. I'd stay friendly with him and try to go out with him on my own as much as possible but I would not make the first move. If he is interested, he will do that.

I despair