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Original poster

Should I tell my friend I love him?

132 replies

DitzyDilema · 27/02/2022 23:48

I’m in a pickle, and I keep changing my mind about what to do! Basically myself and my friend are both single (I’m female, he is male). Nothing had ever happened between us, despite that fact that quite a few people have asked whether there’s something going on! We message each other most days, and get together one evening a week socially (usually with others there) and the occasional coffee just the two of us. We’ve been friends for about 10 years - back then I was married and he had a long term girlfriend.
So… nothing has ever happened romantically, but people who know us both often say we should be together and they don’t understand why we aren’t. I’d say he is one of my best friends, and I’ve never thought of him in a romantic sense - until now! I don’t know what has happened, but all of a sudden I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s right there in my head when I wake up and pretty much stays there all day. When my phone buzzes with a message and his name pops up I get this little flip in my stomach and smile because I know he must have been thinking about me, even just for a second. He’s never said or done anything that makes me think he sees me as anything other than a friend, but then again I’ve not given him or anyone else that impression either. But I think, out of nowhere, I’ve completely fallen for him! And I really don’t know what to do.

Part of me wants to tell him, and see what happens. Also because I tell him everything usually so it feels strange keeping this secret. But there’s a huge part that is terrified that he doesn’t feel the same (which I suspect is the case) and if I say anything we’ll feel awkward around each other and I’ll mess up the relationship that we do have. He is always on dating apps and messaging various women which makes me think he’s not interested in me. But then maybe he is the same as me in that he doesn’t want to risk losing our friendship, and he’s assuming I don’t feel that way about him, so he’s getting on with his dating life. And the more he’s on dating apps the more likely he is to find someone and I might miss the chance to tell him how I feel.

I’m so confused.

Do I keep quiet so that I don’t risk losing the friendship that we have?
Is it possible that he might feel the same, but isn’t showing it or telling me because he’s also not wanting to risk the friendship if I wasn’t interested?
Should I just be honest and tell him, because we’re adults and it really doesn’t need to be that big a drama?
Should I tell him because actually he could be the love of my life if he feels the same?
If I keep quiet, how on earth do I get over my feelings and be normal, especially when he does start seeing someone new and I will inevitably feel like poop?

I love spending time with him and would be devastated if that stopped.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Donson · 28/02/2022 11:12

I wouldn’t tell him directly but I would gradually increase the level of flirtation and maybe suggest drinks rather than coffees.. it’s more fun that way anyway and less pressure on you.

Fidgety31 · 28/02/2022 11:20

My male best friend did this to me and it ruined our friendship because I never wanted a relationship with him . If I had we wouldn’t have been friends for so long. It made me feel really awkward around him afterwards because I knew he always wanted more.

diamondpony80 · 28/02/2022 11:24

Oh I'd be careful about that. I was in a similar situation - a very close friendship and all our friends thought that we'd end up together. We saw each other every day (we were in university at the time). After debating whether I should or not for about a year, I told him. It changed our relationship immediately. He didn't feel the same way, and after I told him he started keeping me at arms length. The closeness was no longer there and he started hanging out more with other friends. I think he was afraid he'd encouraged me and led me on. Our friendship was never the same, it ruined my final year of university. I haven't seen him in years. If I knew then what I know now I would never have told him.

JellybabyGina87 · 28/02/2022 11:29

Invite him round, both get drunk and see if one thing leads to another.

Sfumato · 28/02/2022 11:33

@Spaciet

Hmmm, me and Dh were friends for over a decade before we got into a relationship so I am a big advocate of going for it. I would be hesitant though if he has told 2 of your friends when questioned no- not even a sort of get out clause like I don't want to risk the friendship or whatever. I'd arrange to go for a drink or something and see how it goes, if you say out of the blue and he isn't interested I think it'll rui the friendship.

So what changed for you after ten years?

AngelinaFibres · 28/02/2022 11:39

@watcherintherye

These people who know you both - could you confide in one of them and ask them to test the water, as in ask him, similarly, why you two aren’t together, then report back?

This is an excellent way to do it.

phizog · 28/02/2022 11:44

@DitzyDilema

Oh my gosh, I’m completely agreeing with all the yes people and all the no people! It feels like I change my mind every hour!

You need to tell him, because irrespective of his feelings, yours have changed and the friendship won't be the same again. The constant 'what if' or 'does he or does he not', trying to read into every action/gesture etc will cause a lot of stress for you and impact the friendship anyway. Once that bug has been laid, about feelings, you won't be able to just switch it off.

Whereas if you tell him, he will either reciprocate and happy days. Or if he doesn't, it will be awkward for a little bit but you will be able to resume a friendship as it will be out in the open and can be dealt with.

Whatever you do - don't make life decisions based on the opinions of mutual friends. No one knows how he really feels and frankly it's not anyone's business what you two want or feel for each other. Don't involve other people in this situation as it will just case problem further down the line, with people feeling like they have a say or any input.

You're both adults, close friends, share everything. You should be able to have this conversation by just asking him if he's ever considered what it would be like to date each other. Do it in person, have a few drinks if you need liquid courage and you will both find it easier to open up.

If he doesn't reciprocate, take it on the chin, as till recently you didn't see him that way either. And if he does, make sure to go on actual romantic dates, rather than just jump into a relationship.

Good luck!

Blahblahblah40 · 28/02/2022 11:46

Tell him. Don’t make any big declarations of love or anything but just say recently you’ve developed some ‘feelings’ that are different from how you’ve seen him in the past. That your friendship really means a lot to him and you’re happy for it to stay that way if he doesn’t feel the same, but if he wanted to spend more time together and see how it went then you’d be open to dating.

So long as neither of you does anything that might hurt the other then even if it didn’t work out you’d be able to deal with it. You seem to get on brilliantly so it’d be a shame to not at least try. 🙂

phizog · 28/02/2022 11:47

Also, because you have been married before and he had a long term gf, you won't have the problem of some others - that he thinks the friendship was a lie and you've been in love with him throughout. You should be able to explain that this is a very recent feeling and not one you've harboured throughout.

Blossom987 · 28/02/2022 12:02

I don’t know what has happened, but all of a sudden I can’t stop thinking about him.

But I think, out of nowhere, I’ve completely fallen for him

How long ago did this turning point happen? If it was just in the past week or so, I’d say you need to give yourself time to be sure of your feelings before saying anything. It could just be a bit of a crush that passes.

But if you are absolutely sure then I think you need to say something, life is too short and the friendship is changed anyway. I like PP suggestion of keeping it light but end with ‘if you don’t feel the same, I won’t ever mention it again’. I think if someone said that to me I would feel less awkward about it affecting the friendship, as long as they stuck to what they said and didn’t mention it again.

Claddinghell · 28/02/2022 12:08

@DitzyDilema I am in the same position. Although we dated a few years back and got in touch last year. He went through a mental health crisis which I supported and would never make a move then.

He is now back on his feet but in dating sites. But so am I. He has told me a few dates he has had, especially a filling with a mutual friend few months back, that ended as she was threatened by our friendship.

I have been hit in the last week that I am his most valued friend and he will never dump me for a relationship, if the girls he are dating can’t accept me then he is not interested. I am not too sure if he is trying to tell me he is interested or if he is friend zoning me.

I want to tell him, but I don’t want to lose the friendship if he is not interested. It’s horrible.

We text multiple times a day and spend lots of 1:1 time together.

StrongerOrWeaker · 28/02/2022 18:12

I would ask. Either the outcome is positive or if it's not, you know you can move on.

Original poster

DitzyDilema · 28/02/2022 18:25

Thanks so much for all the replies! It really helps to see so many viewpoints. It really feels like one of those “sliding doors” moments where it would be good to see the outcome of both decisions! I do feel like if something happened to him, I’d hugely regret having never told him, so for that reason I think I should come clean, but in a “I’ve started to feel something, I understand if you don’t but I wanted you to know anyway, and if you don’t feel the same way then I hope we can carry on as we are now because you’re a wonderful friend and I’ll do everything I can to not lose that” way.

I think I need to know for sure, even if it’s just to help me get over it and stop wondering if there could be something more.

In answer to some of the questions - I’ve felt this way for around 6 months. He was seeing someone briefly at the time and I was at his house while she was there and I suddenly found myself feeling jealous and I guess that’s where it started. I’ve not done anything about it because I thought it might pass, but it hasn’t at all.

So. I’m going for it. I think!

OP posts:

Blahblahblah40 · 28/02/2022 18:27

@DitzyDilema

I think I need to know for sure, even if it’s just to help me get over it and stop wondering if there could be something more.

So. I’m going for it. I think!

Let us know how it goes!

Jk24 · 28/02/2022 18:47

I think you should go for it :) good luck

WouldYouHaveAproblem · 28/02/2022 19:10

Oh my word! I've been in your shoes a couple of times over the years and I never had the courage to tell them for fear of losing the friendships. The feelings did pass and I'm still friends with both of them, one is my DS' godfather now living in a different country and the other is my current best friend. They know I love them, because I've told them both and it's been reciprocated, but I'm not in love anymore and I think I made the right decision. I can totally relate to your dilemma OP, it's all consuming. Good luck!

ThisIsGroundControl · 28/02/2022 19:40

Op delighted you are taking the grown up talking approach.

RiverSkater · 28/02/2022 19:50

I would tell him and have a clear firm plan to step back from friendship for a specified time if he doesn't feel the same way. You need to be strong for any fall out.

Here's hoping for you 🤞

Aprilx · 28/02/2022 20:16

Never mind what other people say, people are always saying things like that. It doesn’t sound like he feels the same, it sounds like he sees you as a friend. I would let it pass rather than tell him and ruin a friendship.

I would be very sad if a friend told me they ere in love with me as I would feel like I needed to do the decent thing by them and distance myself if it were not reciprocal.

Fairylightsongs · 28/02/2022 20:32

I also think some folks think this is entertaining and really don’t care if you loose the friendship or the crushing humiliation uo will feel if he says no.

Honestly op make a couple of jokey suggestive remarks, see if he goes with it.

phizog · 28/02/2022 22:37

@DitzyDilema

I think I need to know for sure, even if it’s just to help me get over it and stop wondering if there could be something more.

So. I’m going for it. I think!

Good shout OP.

Because if you don't say anything, the friendship will change the minute he gets into a serious relationship. Because at some point he will start prioritising another woman over you, and that will be painful because you'll wonder if it could have been you if you had only said something. Also, I think it would be awful to have to be around him and his new gf/wife with your unresolved feelings. And very few people are good at hiding their jealousy or upset - so it will cause friction between you, him, his gf that will cause him to pull back.

If you don't say anything, you will have to take some space anyway to let your feelings subside (or you'll have a tortuous future on unrequited love) - and he will wonder what's wrong. So best to take the approach you've outlined and give him the option to explore something romantic. And if not reciprocated, focus on finding ways to get over your feelings and finding a way to cope with being his friend even when he does meet a woman he wants a future with.

Keepitonthedownlow · 28/02/2022 22:44

I would mention anything in a jokey way, not tell him you love him...

Anniefrenchfry · 28/02/2022 22:58

And if not reciprocated, focus on finding ways to get over your feelings and finding a way to cope with being his friend even when he does meet a woman he wants a future with

That’s not very nice is it, I’m sure you know full well the moment she tells him the friendship is over. Unless he feels the same, ans he’s doing a damn good job of hiding it if he does.

phizog · 28/02/2022 23:36

@Anniefrenchfry

And if not reciprocated, focus on finding ways to get over your feelings and finding a way to cope with being his friend even when he does meet a woman he wants a future with

That’s not very nice is it, I’m sure you know full well the moment she tells him the friendship is over. Unless he feels the same, ans he’s doing a damn good job of hiding it if he does.

Well, the friendship as it used to be is already over.... If she's already getting jealous seeing him with a new friend, you think he won't notice it? Or a new gf won't? The minute feelings come into play, a friendship has changed its course forever - the whole point of friendship is that it's platonic on both sides. And it isn't much of a life spending time with someone you have unrequited love for. If he doesn't reciprocate or she doesn't tell him - she will have to take space anyway for her own mental health. You can't get over someone you're in regular contact with...

So what she's doing now is salvaging it with honesty, and giving them some chance of bouncing back. I think a lot of people have a idealistic view that a friendship would have just carried on as is if they had said nothing. And if you're young enough or can make other big changes that reduce the intensity of feelings (like moving away for a bit etc), sure. But in most cases, the friendships would have died a natural death the minute a new gf came on the scene. Because the agony of seeing the man you love, kissing and being with another woman, prioritising her, is a different kind of agony. It's hard to be close friends with the man who broke your heart!

At least this way she might meet someone else. If she says nothing, the hope alone will stop her ever moving on.

Outhouse71421 · 28/02/2022 23:47

I think I might tentatively ask if if he thought we would make a good couple, snd say you've been thinking about it. See what happens. That also doesn't feel too risky from your perspective.

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