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Original poster

I still live with my parents, struggling with the messy/dirty house

60 replies

okayletsgo · 27/02/2022 12:36

I'm in my 20s and I still live with my parents, so do my other adult siblings. I get on well with my parents and I'm happy being at home most of the time, and my parents are happy to have me at home.

However one thing I have struggled with since I was a child is the mess and dirt of the house. I remember as a child I would clean the bathroom, living room and kitchen to try and keep it clean/liveable but it would just get messy again within hours so I eventually gave up. I kind of accepted that my parents were overwhelmed raising us children and it would get better as we grew older. But it's still the same. Even now as an adult I rarely bother cleaning the communal spaces (e.g. kitchen, bathroom). I'll clean up after myself but I don't exert any extra effort to clean up after my family members as it's just a waste of time.

I keep my bedroom clean and tidy and stay in there as much as possible. But I want to start eating healthier and a huge barrier to that is I avoid cooking in our kitchen as much as possible. There's usually no clear counter space, or when there is clear counter space I get put off by how filthy the kitchen is.

The kitchen often has plates with food left overnight, so you'll come downstairs to make breakfast and there'll be plates of last night's dinner sitting on the side. There's often full food waste bags sitting on the counter which smell awful. If anyone cooks it's all just left as a mess - for example today there are egg shells just left on the kitchen counter after someone cooked eggs.

The bathroom has mould, nail clippings, hairs from shaving, etc. It also often has dead flies and moths and dust on the counters until I clean it.

It feels like everyone in my family is just asleep/unconscious to it. I have brought it up gently (as I don't want to be seen as nagging) but my family has been like this my entire life so I don't think it will ever change. It feels hurtful as it feels like nobody cares about each other, there's just no respect.

I know the answer is to move out and I will, but if I'm being honest I'm struggling with my mental health at the moment and I need to be around family and with some kind of stability.

I don't know whether to just accept that I want to live in a clean house and that's not important for the rest of my family, so I'll have to take the full responsibility of cleaning it at all times. Or just give up and accept nothing will change and just try and ignore the mess as much as possible. I also don't know what's normal vs not normal, maybe it is normal to have a messy house and I'm OTT with wanting it to be cleaner.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 27/02/2022 13:26

if youre in your 20s and living at home, you are as much responsible for keeping it clean as anyone. If you have stopped doing any big cleans of the communal areas since you were a child, then maybe you could do another big clean and suggest that you all chip in for a cleaner once a week for the main clean and try and keep on top of the rest of it. Is there a dishwasher?

Noone else cleans in my house except me and anyone I pay to help me. It quite often gets into a state very quickly, but if anyones not happy about it, they are welcome to pitch in. Yes it does get messy again. Housework is a constant thing. You dont clean a kitchen or bathroom and then be all surprised that it doesnt stay clean

ChaToilLeam · 27/02/2022 13:30

Don’t underestimate the impact that a dirty living environment can have on your mental health. It can become a real vicious circle.

If you can, move out.

Tunabaguette · 27/02/2022 13:33

Sorry but I have several friends who are middle aged menopausal women, who are TIRED of looking after everyone and everything in the home. They have fallen in to a depressed, demotivated state because it's only been them picking up after everyone for years, even when everyone is wfh, and even when adult children move back in. It sounds a bit different in your case op as your home has always been untidy and unclean. However, now is now, and you have two stark choices of either:

  1. stay living there, don't complain, get stuck in, try and encourage everyone, start TOMM.
  2. move out, be self reliant, keep your own living space to the standard you like.
JellybabyGina87 · 27/02/2022 13:35

Move out if you can. The condition of the house won't change but you can remove yourself from it and make your own surroundings nicer.

godmum56 · 27/02/2022 13:36

you can move out and still have stability and a better cleaner kind of stability

dottydodah · 27/02/2022 13:52

It sounds gross .However even though its unfair to you ,I would try and keep the kitchen and bathroom clean . Can you take bin bags out the night before ? Just wipe everything down and use some Anti bac spray .Same for bathroom .Bleach the loo ,clean the basin .Just think its helping your DM who probably doesnt like it but may have given up! If you can think about renting a room with a family ,or in a shared house .Try to set a date, ie by 1st August I will have enough saved for my dep .Keep as a end date . Make sure all savings are untouched (open a separate bank account is need be).By then keep looking every few weeks and have got something .

CremeEggThief · 27/02/2022 14:01

Their house, their rules.
And I say that as the type of person who would still wash up at 1 or 2 or 3 a.m. after drinking a bottle of wine, rather than go to bed and leave it til the morning.

Adrianneanneanne · 27/02/2022 14:27

@CremeEggThief

Their house, their rules. And I say that as the type of person who would still wash up at 1 or 2 or 3 a.m. after drinking a bottle of wine, rather than go to bed and leave it til the morning.

I'm not sure about this one, given op is 20s it can't have changed much in the last ten years say. I'd say it's neglect to leave your house with mould and grime. She's an adult now, but there's mess then there's dirt.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/02/2022 14:29

I would move out and asap. Living with your family like they do is not doing your MH any favours at all.

Liverbird77 · 27/02/2022 14:30

It won't improve. You need to be in control of your own space. I remember being in heaven when I first went to university. I had a bedroom and en suite. All mine. Clean. Organised.
You need to make a plan to move out.

CremeEggThief · 27/02/2022 14:45

That's your view, @Adrianneanneanne, but I don't agree. It's up to the householder/homeowner how they have their home and nobody else.

SauerKraut2 · 27/02/2022 15:20

Tunabaguette has it right.

SauerKraut2 · 27/02/2022 15:22

And Branleuse

Adrianneanneanne · 27/02/2022 15:32

@CremeEggThief

That's your view, *@Adrianneanneanne*, but I don't agree. It's up to the householder/homeowner how they have their home and nobody else.

Well, there has to be a line somewhere, that's all I'm saying.

Viviennemary · 27/02/2022 15:35

Its not your house. That's the problem. Suggest you club together and pay for a cleaner if you dont want to do it.

SauerKraut2 · 27/02/2022 15:39

@dottydodah

It sounds gross .However even though its unfair to you ,I would try and keep the kitchen and bathroom clean . Can you take bin bags out the night before ? Just wipe everything down and use some Anti bac spray .Same for bathroom .Bleach the loo ,clean the basin .Just think its helping your DM who probably doesnt like it but may have given up! If you can think about renting a room with a family ,or in a shared house .Try to set a date, ie by 1st August I will have enough saved for my dep .Keep as a end date . Make sure all savings are untouched (open a separate bank account is need be).By then keep looking every few weeks and have got something .
Unfair? DM? Helping? So many people see the woman as responsible for mess made by other adults.
Blossom64265 · 27/02/2022 15:42

When my house gets messy, my mental health suffers. You really need to examine the idea that staying in this home is in your best interest. It may be. We don’t know your situation. It’s also possible that a calm clean space that belongs entirely to you might be exactly what you need. If you are under the care of a mental health professional, it’s worth exploring with that person. If you are not, I would explore the idea on your own and if you decide to proceed, come up with some ideas in advance to compensate for the downsides of moving.

PiperPosey · 27/02/2022 15:47

You say that you are in your 20s
Like 21...25...27? It makes a difference.

LampLighter414 · 27/02/2022 15:49

There is no advice other than move out if you don't like it. You won't be able to change the behaviour of multiple adults who have known no different and doing all the cleaning yourself will waste lots of your time and build resentment when you notice the mess reappearing as a result of your family's attitude to cleaning.

Move out.

AdoraBell · 27/02/2022 15:52

Move out if you can afford to. Nothing will change. I grew up in similar conditions and as my older siblings and parents got older it got worse. I moved out when I was 16.

betwixtlives · 27/02/2022 16:03

Move out is the obvious solution. Otherwise, pay for a cleaner with the money you’re saving by staying with them

Doanythingforlove · 27/02/2022 16:07

How many of you are living there? What do your siblings think? Why are they living there now they are adults?

collieresponder88 · 27/02/2022 16:23

I really feel for you. Must be horrible when everybody else is happy to live this way but you arnt. Would you be able to get a one off deep clean done by a company to start if with. That way it will be easier to begin to keep clean by doing a quick going over each day. Suggest sharing the cost of the deep clean if you can. Maybe you could talk to them afterwards about trying to keep it this way and do a Rota system. If they arnt willing though I guess it's all down to you. Good luck

rookiemere · 27/02/2022 16:34

Do you work OP?
Do you pay your DPs any rent?

dottydodah · 27/02/2022 16:44

SauerKrau2 Im sorry I didnt mean just her Mum should be responsible. .Simply that as OP is the only family member who seems to notice the mess ,the others (siblings Brothers or Sisters we dont know Father ?) its unlikely (though unfair )that they will change soon.Therefore OP is on a losing wicket ,so little choice but to suck it up really. The chance of moving out would be better for her .