Massive row with DM

[Pittapatcat]

I have just visited my DM and we had a massive row. It started off with mild stresses and became a full blown argument. I feel massively let down by her since I have had children and she has not been there for me. But often there has been an external reason why she couldn't such as illness etc which I feel has been used an excuse. I just feel so let down and angry about it. But the dynamic always feels like she can't support me and I get resentful. But the problem is I'm left with all the anger, stress and annoyance.

Has anyone got massive resentment with their parent that has built up since having children. And if it exploded and caused a big disagreement what did you do? And how did you let it go to move on?

Any advice would be so welcome as I feel at a total loss and it's just getting worse not better.

In what ways has she let you down and why do you think she is telling lies about illness?

Firstly emotionally or physically not there or both?
Are you a single parent who needs support?

My dm was never there for me but I always felt capable of managing without her and she worked long hours so i didn't expect support really.

It sounds like there is more going on.
Your dm doesn't have to support you if she doesn't want to but perhaps if you knew the reason for this you could accept it better.

Try to have a calm conversation around what she's willing to do rather than what you expect.

Sorry you're feeling so stressed.

Has anyone got massive resentment with their parent that has built up since having children. And if it exploded and caused a big disagreement what did you do? And how did you let it go to move on?

I had massive resentment that built up from childhood but exploded when I was pregnant with my 2nd. I went NC and my life is so much easier.

Our situations are obviously very different though.

I think mine stems from childhood too and just feeling let down and like there was no support (when big family issues came up). I guess I thought that when I had children it would be a chance for her to support me and bond over the baby. But it just hasn't happened like that.

It sounds like people on here don't expect their mum's to be involved that much? Maybe I've just got it all muddled in my head and it's more about not feeling like we have a relationship.

Maybe I need to grow up and realise I'm an adult and don't need other relationships

I have a dh so am not a single parent.

You need to grow up a act like an adult. Your DMs role in life is to support you to adulthood not be a support when you yourself have your own family. She is there in a minor role and it is unkind to say she uses illnesses as an excuse.

Wow @inheritancetrack slightly harsh I think.
How do you know the back ground and the fact that her mohter may well have used illness as an excuse. I disagree that a mother is there to support you until adult hood. Surely the role of a mother is to always be there whenever the same as a really good friend would be, regardless of age. Yes as you grow up the relationship works both ways a lot more but certianly doesnt stop when you reach "adulthood".

I see things differently @inheritancetrack. My mother never supported me much. It was always Dad she supported however horrible he was to my sister and myself.
Now my 3 children are adults, I support and help them and their families whenever they need me. They're the most important thing in my life and I love them dearly.

There is a lot of variation on expectations and norms.

My SIL feels hard done by because her mum only babysits for a few weekends and evenings a year and her dad only has time to do her plumbing and electrics and can't always fit new bathrooms as all of her friends have mums doing very regular childcare.

My parents have recently done the most childcare for me that they have ever done: 2 hours! I was genuinely grateful.

@dogmandu

I see things differently *@inheritancetrack*. My mother never supported me much. It was always Dad she supported however horrible he was to my sister and myself. Now my 3 children are adults, I support and help them and their families whenever they need me. They're the most important thing in my life and I love them dearly.

Agree with this. I am the same as you, my mother did not help me at all when I had my children but I never expected it either. It's not a right to expect support just because you have had a child, but a blessing if they do help.

What support do you want that she isnt giving? What does 'bonding over the baby', look like to you?

I guess I was hoping for her to be interested in me as her daughter who just has a baby. In my eyes it is quite a tough, vulnerable time in life. I thought it would be a bit more than just the odd observation the kids look sweet. I guess I always thought grandparents cared about their children n grandchildren and want to help make it easier.

It's only on Mumsnet I hear the opinion that they didn't expect or want grandparents involved

I get you OP. My own mother was completely disinterested in my children and it hurt, a lot but didn't come as any great surprise. However, I had brilliant in laws who more than made up for my mother's lack of interest.

I do it very differently with my own grandkids and daughter as do most people I know. I'd never come across this attitude towards adult kids and grandparents before I discovered Mumsnet

I guess some of this depends on what you want in terms of support. For example, just an friendly ear, someone to spend time with and coo over baby or childcare, financial support etc. There's a big spectrum there and maybe you both have different expectations.

I dont think it's too much to ask she shows an interest, asks how baby is and how you're getting on as part of a larger chat/visit. That's a kind of conversational basic.

When you say you thought she would support do you mean sympathy and advice at the tough times or do you mean free childcare? It’s becoming more apparent on here that fewer gps want to be a childcare facility, as is their choice, it’s not how i will play being a gm if it happens.

I don't think you're unreasonable to hope for more involvement but you're unreasonable to expect it. My dad is quite well off but his grandkids only get a card and twenty quid voucher at Christmas. All this while he spends 7000 on a holiday for himself without breaking a sweat. Bit disappointing but at the end of the day he can do what he likes. Manage your expectations and you won't feel as bad.

It depends on what you are looking for, I guess. I don’t think it’s reasonable (unless very carefully negotiated with everyone involved willing) to expect lots of babysitting etc from older people who have already raised their families. I do think it’s quite reasonable to expect warmth, interest, curiosity and engagement with adult children and grandchildren. It may be that having a child of your own has been a sharp reminder of what you felt was lacking whilst growing up.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect interest in you and your kids and support when needed - whether that be a shoulder to cry on or encouragement of actual childcare if needed. I'm lucky enough to rarely need childcare but when I do if my mum can help she will. She came to stay after the birth of my first child to support us. She makes a point of seeing us regularly and has always been interested in the kids lives and activities. I think this is all pretty normal and I'd be pretty upset if I thought she wasn't particularly interested in us. Of course if she was unwell things would be different and as a grown up our relationship is not just one way, I help out and support her too.

So, I think it's a bit harsh to say the op needs to 'grow up or assume she's after free childcare when she hasn't actually given that much info.

Ah this is hard, OP, I can relate. When I was pregnant my parents voluntarily promised to help and ever since my son was born they have made excuses not to help or even see us on many many occasions or let us down last minute. The anger and disappointment come in waves. The less I expect the happier I feel... but its not always easy to do that especially when everyone else around me in the real world seems to have lots of parental support.

You're not being very clear about what EXACTLY it is you want your Mum to do that she isnt doing. In your life, how does that support manifest itself..

Is it childcare? Is it regularly visiting? Is it financial?

To a degree I think our parents have raised their kids, they dont have to be hands on grandparents and dont need the hassle of young kids in their older age. But I know some Grandparents absolutely revel in being active and babysitting etc.

What is it YOU want that you're not getting?

If you think and feel that your parents weren’t great growing up, having DC can bring that to the fore. This happened to my DH.

If that’s the case, recommend the Stately Homes reading recommendations on MN. In the relationships section.

IMO if someone is disengaged as a parent of adult DC it’s logical they’ll be a disengaged grandparent. And that’s better than seeking to ‘dote on’ the grandchildren but still not having a good relationship and/or seeking to bypass their adult DC. Had this with my in laws! We put down some boundaries as this dynamic benefits no one IMO!

I understand OP, my parents leant on my grandparents a lot when I was a child, yet were pretty unavailable when my children were young. To be honest I just don't factor them in so much now in planning.

Well my MIL has said she will do no childcare and both grandfather's do none. Mine has looked after my DD maybe 3 times in 8 years. And sat in the house whilst she sleeps maybe 5 times so we as a couple can go out past 7pm together. That's in 8 years.

If I'm honest yes I was hoping for more. That I see my friends having more involvement than this. Frequently I see grandparents at the school gates picking up kids.

But also if I've struggled with my own wellbeing since having my DD I have found there is always a crisis or something that tops my needs so I just get on with it on my own. It's as if my needs can never be met. Basically if I struggle I'm on my own. No parental support, sibling support. Just me and DH.

Book a babysitter if you want to go out?

@Loopytiles Yeah I had a tough childhood and quite emotionally neglectful. I think it has had a big impact on me. I thought I would do better than I received and it's shocked me how hard I've found it to cope with my family when I had my DD. It's like I've no patience left for them and just feel doubly let down

I will check out that thread

It’s hard to comment without really understanding why you feel let down in the past.
However, just based on what you have written here I think you are expecting far too much from her. Of course some Grandparents are very involved but not all and they are under no obligation to be
I always saw support from my Mum as a bonus not a right