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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massive row with DM

115 replies

Pittapatcat · 23/02/2022 09:09

I have just visited my DM and we had a massive row. It started off with mild stresses and became a full blown argument. I feel massively let down by her since I have had children and she has not been there for me. But often there has been an external reason why she couldn't such as illness etc which I feel has been used an excuse. I just feel so let down and angry about it. But the dynamic always feels like she can't support me and I get resentful. But the problem is I'm left with all the anger, stress and annoyance.

Has anyone got massive resentment with their parent that has built up since having children. And if it exploded and caused a big disagreement what did you do? And how did you let it go to move on?

Any advice would be so welcome as I feel at a total loss and it's just getting worse not better.

OP posts:
diddl · 23/02/2022 13:53

I suppose if your mum wasn't supportive to you when you were a kid, is it likely that she would be when you are an adult?

From an outsider's pov it doesn't make sense to me that if they haven't been that much interested in you (for want of a better phrase), they suddenly will be because you have a child yourself.

Is it still looking for approval that has never been there?

SheWentWest · 23/02/2022 13:54

It sounds like you were really hoping that the baby would heal or improve a relationship you were already disappointed with. I would agree with posters who say this is not about childcare it's probably about something in the past or your childhood and the emotional support you did or did not receive from your mum. I think many people avoid looking at that because it feels like looking for someone to blame but it can be just about understanding. As you say you know how hard it is to be there for your family when times are tough but resentment and anger can be heavy things to carry around.

bangaverage · 23/02/2022 13:54

You sound quite needy and selfish. It's not about her not caring or being interested, but why should she give up her life to look after the child you chose to have? If as you say she wasn't emotionally generous to you whilst you were growing up, why would you expect her to change as a result of your decision to have a child? The fact that you've reacted by saying things like 'I need to be grateful for the crumbs she throws me' is quite telling, it's a self-indulgent overreaction.

naomi81 · 23/02/2022 13:57

Lol my mum even came to me a week after my first was born I am said leaving your father and moving in with another guy and buggered off to Thailand for 6 weeks 😞

Loopytiles · 23/02/2022 13:57

OK so yours is definitely a ‘Stately Homes’ situation.

Given that your parents weren’t great as parents, them spending limited time with your DC and not much time at all ‘in sole charge’ also has upsides! Eg Your DC avoiding risk of similar treatment by their grandparents.

Your upbringing and situation now makes it extra important for you to prioritise self care. If you haven’t done that so far, that’s something you could work on.

LittleOwl153 · 23/02/2022 13:59

my DD get's little interest and no one-to-one time or attention from their grandparent. I just hope my DD doesn't notice as they get older. She hasn't so far.

Your DD has noticed - and it will be having an impact on her to be seen as less than her cousins. I'd keep her well away if I was you for her and your sakes.

Look on the bright side your golden child sibling can also pick up all her care needs as she gets older!

WouldIwasShookspeared · 23/02/2022 14:05

@Pittapatcat

I guess I was hoping for her to be interested in me as her daughter who just has a baby. In my eyes it is quite a tough, vulnerable time in life. I thought it would be a bit more than just the odd observation the kids look sweet. I guess I always thought grandparents cared about their children n grandchildren and want to help make it easier.

It's only on Mumsnet I hear the opinion that they didn't expect or want grandparents involved

That's because Mumsnet is a massive internet forum where you will encounter a great many more people than you ever will get to know in real life and therefore will see the full range of experiences and opinions.

When people say only on Mumsnet, they're really saying only on Mumsnet do you get to know people you would never get to know in real life and hear so many views and lives and it shows you how limited your RL interactions are

That's not you as in just you, you personally. General you. All of us individually. Our RL world is so small and our close relationships smaller still and mostly populated by people broadly similar to ourselves.

sillysmiles · 23/02/2022 14:06

That I see my friends having more involvement than this. Frequently I see grandparents at the school gates picking up kids.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I have a friend - who from my perspective - has had a lot of stuff handed to her both in her personal and professional life.
But if I constantly watched her life when would I be living my own.
Another friend has children and her parents are very involved. But peoples lives evolve in different ways.

Start taking stock of what you have and working on yourself. It sounds a little like you are trying to gain your mothers approval through your children - but maybe your mother is not a maternal woman.

WindsweptPidgeon · 23/02/2022 14:09

What does your DH think of his parents disinterest in his child?

Carryonmarion · 23/02/2022 14:10

I guess that other posters are trying to offer practical advice as you can't make your children's GPs spend more time with them. However I totally see why you want this relationship and really do feel for you as I had a lot of help from my mum and step dad and don't know how I would've managed without it. The benefits have been mutual , my mum is now on her own and lives in a remote village and my now adult DCs travel an hour to see their grandmother regularly - because they miss her and want to not out of a sense of obligation. Your Mum and MIL are missing out massively and its sad that they don't see it. When your DCs have grown up and they are struggling and in need of support from a younger generation perhaps they will reflect on their choices.
I would try to grieve for the relationship you should have had and then implement the practical advice from other posters. I would also take pleasure in planning some very strict boundaries and parameters regarding what support I am prepared give to them in their old age.

BlondeWidow · 23/02/2022 14:11

Ohhhhhhh yes! DM refuses to hear any of it! I don't think I have the emotional strength to go into any detail of what it's about but yes. No matter how much they gaslight you into believing you're in the wrong for bringing it up/holding it against them - you're not. Suppressing it doesn't get rid of it. I've realised it has to be dealt with or it will always simmer below the surface

BlondeWidow · 23/02/2022 14:12

@inheritancetrack

You need to grow up a act like an adult. Your DMs role in life is to support you to adulthood not be a support when you yourself have your own family. She is there in a minor role and it is unkind to say she uses illnesses as an excuse.
Vile, blinkered attitude! You have no idea what it's like to have unresolved issues with your parents. It manifests itself in many different and sometimes unrelated ways.
theleafandnotthetree · 23/02/2022 14:13

@bangaverage

You sound quite needy and selfish. It's not about her not caring or being interested, but why should she give up her life to look after the child you chose to have? If as you say she wasn't emotionally generous to you whilst you were growing up, why would you expect her to change as a result of your decision to have a child? The fact that you've reacted by saying things like 'I need to be grateful for the crumbs she throws me' is quite telling, it's a self-indulgent overreaction.
This is simply infuriating and a complete misrepresentation of what the OP is looking for. Where on earth did she say she was looking for her mother to "give up her life to care for the child you chose to have". She is looking for no more, arguably far less, than what most people receive in normal, mostly loving families, not some epic act of self sacrifice. The equal hyperbole from some posters as to the lengths they would go to to support their children should not detract from the middle ground where the majority of people sit. That is that most parents love their children and grandchildren and help out because they love and that yes, they feel some level of responsibility towards them as family members. Just like most people provide some level of supports to their parents as they age. This sort of mutual support in families and also between friends and neighbours is the foundation of a healthy and functioning society. Sometimes we might grumble, sometimes supports are offered grudgingly but thats all part of life too. Mostly we should look out for one another, at least partly so that when we need ot, someone will look out for us.
TowandaForever · 23/02/2022 14:17

@Babadook76

It’s only on mn where people are considered unreasonable for having any expectations of their parents once they’ve reached adulthood. I don’t care how old my children are, I’ll have their backs from the day they’re born until the day they die. They’ll always have a home here and my grandchildren will NEVER be turned away. They’ll have any support they need in any form, as long as I’m able to give it.
Wish my parents had your attitude. Your children are lucky to have you.
Carryonmarion · 23/02/2022 14:20

@theleafandnotthetree

Star excellent contextualising, I couldn't agree more

Momijin · 23/02/2022 14:22

Yabu. Some people get a lot of help from family and grandparents but many more are on their own and manage absolutely fine.

I have 4 kids and my parents live abroad and so does my ex MIL. My ex worked away a lot so I solo parented a lot of the time. Instead of moaning and feeling resentful, I had friends and we would do things together. Organise sleepovers and socialise at home whilst the kids played and so on.

ElBandito · 23/02/2022 14:23

I didn't get or need a lot of childcare from my parents or my in-laws. But both sets of grandparents showed an interest in my child. They know my child as a person, they understand his character, they take an interest in him. I understand that many grandparents can't give free childcare for any number of reasons, but my God, I judge those who don't show any interest in the future generations of their family.

TenRedThings · 23/02/2022 14:26

My parents were really crap grandparents I get how it hurts. I reduced my expectations to zero that way it's less hurtful and occasionally if they show any interest it's a pleasant surprise. I found this strategy helped me feel less upset.

MintyGreenDream · 23/02/2022 14:27

I had a pretty perfect relationship with my mum until I had ds 8.She was very judgemental and it made me doubt my parenting.She doesn't know I feel this way but I don't feel as close now.

tara66 · 23/02/2022 14:28

I never had any parental help from my mother - never expected it and used baby sitters.

Nomad916 · 23/02/2022 14:32

I don't think supporting adult children is expected, but being interested in their grandchildren and spending time with them when visiting is.

LowlandLucky · 23/02/2022 14:34

Pitapatacat how much support have you given your Mum through her Illness ?

MrsBerthaRochester · 23/02/2022 14:36

You are not wrong to feel this way op. My mum was very generous financially to my kids at xmas burthdays but only actually saw them twice a year. She would take them for three days at summer and xmas.
I know compared to some this seems reasonable but we lived with our grandparents growing up when my mum swanned of to live with her boyfriend so it does piss me off. Been nc now for four years due to her using me as the family scapegoat rather than admit her own faults.

givethatbabyaname · 23/02/2022 14:38

You want more from your mum than she can or wants to give. Stop scratching this itch. It will help you move on.

Did anyone support your mum when she had young children? Did anyone help her?

What do you mean by “support”?

Have you ever talked to her about this? Or anything? Have you talked to her as a person in her own right, as opposed to ad your mother?

The other side of your story is that you’re needy and dependent and your mum just doesn’t want to or can’t deal with that.

Neither of you are wrong. You’re just mismatched.

Loopytiles · 23/02/2022 14:48

Perhaps some posters haven’t read OP’s post stating that her parents were not great to say the least.

This isn’t a situation of a ‘needy’ OP. It’s someone whose childhood was difficult, due to her parents.