Massive row with DM

[Pittapatcat]

I have just visited my DM and we had a massive row. It started off with mild stresses and became a full blown argument. I feel massively let down by her since I have had children and she has not been there for me. But often there has been an external reason why she couldn't such as illness etc which I feel has been used an excuse. I just feel so let down and angry about it. But the dynamic always feels like she can't support me and I get resentful. But the problem is I'm left with all the anger, stress and annoyance.

Has anyone got massive resentment with their parent that has built up since having children. And if it exploded and caused a big disagreement what did you do? And how did you let it go to move on?

Any advice would be so welcome as I feel at a total loss and it's just getting worse not better.

@givethatbabyaname

Yes, grandparents have raised their own family but human instinct is to love and care for children and grandchildren forever ,regardless of age

Well, that must mean that my wonderful, generous, loving but now aging parents are sub-human because although they love all their children and grandchildren dearly, they certainly don't care for them. They care a lot ABOUT them, but they've done their time and now they're resting, prioritizing their health, and enjoying themselves. Which we siblings are very happy to see.

I have no intention of giving up more of what I want from my life to rear or help rear my grandchildren. I have given up almost everything for my children, willingly and happily: for what will probably be more than 2 decades (and as I'm a woman, probably the healthiest and most valuable decades of my life) I am giving them the absolute best of myself so that they can go on to be fulfilled, independent, secure, confident and capable adults. It's entirely up to them what they do with their lives - children or no children, career or no career, whatever. And, once I'm confident they're able to stand on their own two feet, I will go back to making my own life a priority, be it through studying, traveling, voluntary work, focusing on neglected friendships, hobbies. I'm sure I will love any grandchildren dearly, but no, I won't go back to tending and providing. If I have grandchildren, I would like a similar sort of relationship with them that my parents have with my children: full of fun, enjoyment, interest but absolutely none of the drudgery.

Isn't that the way of life? Children are but one part of a full life. They're not an entire reason for being.

But the OP's mother is showing no interest, love or caring about either.

Because it's HER mother, and however you might like to see it as sexist, most people simply do have an expectation of love and care from their own mother. It feels like against the natural order of things for her mother to not give a toss. At least that's how I would see it and I'm no Pollyanna

Yes and she doesn't live locally and she had health issues.

Being a mother doesn't mean you always have to meet your children's expectations.

The idea that if you are a mother of the father, it's fine to take a step back. But if you are the mother of the mother, you have a higher standard to meet, is ridiculous. And if you are a father....then its fine to do what you want.

So many harsh and mean responses here.

No grandparents are duty bound to help but it's totally reasonable to expect that they will want to want to help.

My parents have a great relationship with their grandchildren and I'd be very sad if that wasn't the case.

They babysit yes, but more importantly they want to see and spend time with us all and they are there when I need them emotionally too.

That should be normal - I can't imagine not wanting to be involved with my children's children.

@Babadook76

It’s only on mn where people are considered unreasonable for having any expectations of their parents once they’ve reached adulthood. I don’t care how old my children are, I’ll have their backs from the day they’re born until the day they die. They’ll always have a home here and my grandchildren will NEVER be turned away. They’ll have any support they need in any form, as long as I’m able to give it.

You sound absolutely lovely and the sort of mother everyone should have! At a guess your children are lovely independent adults -because- you had their backs when they were growing up, and at need they can come to you.

OP Yeah I had a tough childhood and quite emotionally neglectful. this is at the core of this. When you have a child you miss having an involved mum and you reassess how you were mothered.

You are not unreasonable and some of the posts on this thread are really unpleasant. But you may have to do some emotional work and come to terms with what you haven't got, and I bet you'll do better for your own child.

@Associatepeggy

Because it's HER mother, and however you might like to see it as sexist, most people simply do have an expectation of love and care from their own mother. It feels like against the natural order of things for her mother to not give a toss. At least that's how I would see it and I'm no Pollyanna

Yes and she doesn't live locally and she had health issues.

Being a mother doesn't mean you always have to meet your children's expectations.

The idea that if you are a mother of the father, it's fine to take a step back. But if you are the mother of the mother, you have a higher standard to meet, is ridiculous. And if you are a father....then its fine to do what you want.

But not living locally or having health issues (as most people do after a certain age and we have no idea of the extent of these anyway) does not preclude kindness or caring, being a listening ear or asking about a grandchild. My former MIL was very old by the time we had children, in very poor health and lived hours away and she'd already had tonnes of grandchildren. But despite being a difficult woman with lots of problems of her own, she lit up when she saw our children and she said she wished she could carry them around and take care of them. At least partly because they were the much loved children of her much loved child. It shows a great lack of imagination and empathy not to understand how hurtful the OP finds her mothers stance. And this has nothing to do with gender wars or certainly not for most people of a certain generation. My father simply wasn't involved in my day to day care when I was a child, many many fathers weren't so that intimate bond I had with my (also imperfect) mother wasn't there. It might not be fair, but I simply do expect more from my mother than my father because of our shared dynamic. But equally, my mother benefits from loving supportive relationships with her children, which my father never cultivated.

But the OP's mother is showing no interest, love or caring about either.

I don't think that's true. She's not showing the interest, love or caring that the OP would like, in the way that she'd like. That's completely different. She has a vision of what a grandmother should be, and is finding her DM wanting.

I can't imagine not wanting to be involved with my children's children

To each their own. I can't imagine wanting to be terribly involved with my grandchildren, knowing who their friends are, what their school days are like, the minutiae of their ups and downs, their plays and piano recitals and football tournaments. I would want to know that they're well-adjusted, happy, enjoying their childhood, getting what they need from their parents, getting a good education. I'd love to have them over for lunch now and then, share any common interests if there are any. If they have any health issues, physical or mental, of course I would worry but there are professionals around to help with that (I'm not one) and I would encourage my child to consult them. I would want to know only as much as my child would want to tell me (which in reality would probably be a lot, knowing them).

Of course I'd want to see and spend time with my grandchildren, but they and my own children, once grown, would not be my day to day priority. Of course, if disaster ever struck, I'd drop everything and be there for them. But I can well imagine going for months with just texts or FaceTime or calls. Life is busy. Children and grandchildren should be busy doing whatever they do. They shouldn't be hanging around me!

@givethatbabyaname

Yes, grandparents have raised their own family but human instinct is to love and care for children and grandchildren forever ,regardless of age

Well, that must mean that my wonderful, generous, loving but now aging parents are sub-human because although they love all their children and grandchildren dearly, they certainly don't care for them. They care a lot ABOUT them, but they've done their time and now they're resting, prioritizing their health, and enjoying themselves. Which we siblings are very happy to see.

I have no intention of giving up more of what I want from my life to rear or help rear my grandchildren. I have given up almost everything for my children, willingly and happily: for what will probably be more than 2 decades (and as I'm a woman, probably the healthiest and most valuable decades of my life) I am giving them the absolute best of myself so that they can go on to be fulfilled, independent, secure, confident and capable adults. It's entirely up to them what they do with their lives - children or no children, career or no career, whatever. And, once I'm confident they're able to stand on their own two feet, I will go back to making my own life a priority, be it through studying, traveling, voluntary work, focusing on neglected friendships, hobbies. I'm sure I will love any grandchildren dearly, but no, I won't go back to tending and providing. If I have grandchildren, I would like a similar sort of relationship with them that my parents have with my children: full of fun, enjoyment, interest but absolutely none of the drudgery.

Isn't that the way of life? Children are but one part of a full life. They're not an entire reason for being.

Absolutely BANG ON!!!!!!!

But not living locally or having health issues (as most people do after a certain age and we have no idea of the extent of these anyway) does not preclude kindness or caring, being a listening ear or asking about a grandchild. My former MIL was very old by the time we had children, in very poor health and lived hours away and she'd already had tonnes of grandchildren. But despite being a difficult woman with lots of problems of her own, she lit up when she saw our children and she said she wished she could carry them around and take care of them. At least partly because they were the much loved children of her much loved child. It shows a great lack of imagination and empathy not to understand how hurtful the OP finds her mothers stance. And this has nothing to do with gender wars or certainly not for most people of a certain generation. My father simply wasn't involved in my day to day care when I was a child, many many fathers weren't so that intimate bond I had with my (also imperfect) mother wasn't there. It might not be fair, but I simply do expect more from my mother than my father because of our shared dynamic. But equally, my mother benefits from loving supportive relationships with her children, which my father never cultivated

The fact that you put higher expectations on your own mother doesn't mean its fair or OK.

Op fell out with the only grandparent who does do anything, despite nor living close and being unwell. While the others just do what they want.

Its counterproductive and doesn't help anyone.

@givethatbabyaname…you missed out the next and last sentence I wrote,which puts what I had written out of context!
Final sentence …Even if not hands on ,emotionally.m

I really thought my DM would be interested in my children but she hasn't been and it hurts. I wasn't expecting it but come to think of it I've never heard her mention any children outside the family saying they look cute etc. I honestly think she doesn't like kids.
She was quite cold to myself and DB growing up ans never cuddled us or read us a story etc so I was silly to think it'd be different when I had kids.

Occasionally she phones me and just asks how my work is and what I've bought or had for dinner. Just small talk really. Never ever asks about my 2DC. It's so bloody hurtful and just unbelievable.

I'm gutted really. But I'm used to it now. Don't take my DC to visit her for 2 years now as she's scared of Covid even though she isn't elderly, ill or no medical conditions.
She doesn't care. It's my DC I feel sorry for. Not having a proper relationship with their nan. She's never looked after them and they've never slept there.

I will be 100% different when I have children.

[quote Amnotamug]@givethatbabyaname…you missed out the next and last sentence I wrote,which puts what I had written out of context!
Final sentence …Even if not hands on ,emotionally.m[/quote]
I did that deliberately, actually, because emotional support is far, far more "difficult" to provide than practical support. By "difficult" I mean it takes more headspace, more giving, more effort. As other posters quite callously put it up thread, for the practical stuff you can just hire paid help, no need for a grandmother (and as it happens, this GM has provided some babysitting, at least). The emotional stuff is what ages us and takes us away from other things.

Things happen in life that none of us can be prepared for, and as a family we will deal with those things together. I will do what it takes, all hands on deck. But day-to-day emotional support? I mean, I hope I will have raised my children successfully enough that they don't need me for that when they're adult enough to have their own children. If they want it, they can have it if I have (yet more) time to give - but not just because they demand it. Also, it wouldn't be doing them any good: I'll be dead and gone one day. Then what will they do?

To me, from the moment a baby is born, they move away from their parents. In baby- and toddlerhood you can see those incremental steps almost daily. As children get older it happens in fits and starts, big leaps and tiny steps, two steps forward one step back. But, by the time they're in their mid-20s they should ideally/hopefully be more or less fully gone. To me, that's entirely natural. Doesn't mean they're never to come back, or that there's a definitive cutting of apron strings. Just that they don't or shouldn't need you so much.

How far do you live from her op?
Sounds like that could be a big factor since she gives more support to your brother who is local.

I can understand the frustration and resentment for sure. Raising kids is so hard and much harder without a support network. If your in laws and dad refuse to help too then that's leaving more
expectation at your mothers door.

You can't force her to be more interested or involved so I'd try to step back and look at the bigger picture. See what you can control - do you need more 'me' time? Or 1:1 time with dh? Can you find a babysitter to schedule in for every fortnight or so? Maybe if you are getting refuelled and your needs met then you won't feel so angry you aren't getting help from your mother.

I don't understand why so many pp think they have the right to call the shots with their parents! If your parents choose to be very involved grandparents then thats up to them, the same as if they choose to move away when they have finished raising their children. They don't owe any to anyone once they have raised you to adulthood, I'm actually stunned at all the posters who think that parents owe them childcare. Im a grandmother and I love my granddaughter but its her parents job to raise her not mine. If I choose to move away or to another country then thats my choice to make not my children's. Are parents not allowed to have their own lives when their kids are grown up? For all those saying that they will regret it when they are elderly and need care, did your parents not earn that right when they raised you?

@theleafandnotthetree This sort of mutual support in families and also between friends and neighbours is the foundation of a healthy and functioning society.

THIS THIS THIS!!!!!!!!

@wanttomarryamillionaire of course it's their choice to do whatever they want. It is still upsetting that they aren't playing an active role in their lives though.