Massive row with DM

[Pittapatcat]

I have just visited my DM and we had a massive row. It started off with mild stresses and became a full blown argument. I feel massively let down by her since I have had children and she has not been there for me. But often there has been an external reason why she couldn't such as illness etc which I feel has been used an excuse. I just feel so let down and angry about it. But the dynamic always feels like she can't support me and I get resentful. But the problem is I'm left with all the anger, stress and annoyance.

Has anyone got massive resentment with their parent that has built up since having children. And if it exploded and caused a big disagreement what did you do? And how did you let it go to move on?

Any advice would be so welcome as I feel at a total loss and it's just getting worse not better.

Childcare is hard work and often boring. Most people don't want to look after children who aren't their own, unless they are being paid for it. I think you have to accept that your mother has been there, done that and does not want to start doing it again. She has her own life.

I'm getting from this thread I just need to toughen up and not expect anything from them as an adult.

Book a babysitter for any help.

And if any care or crumbs are thrown my way be grateful I get that.

I'm not being sarcastic but that is the message I'm hearing. I just need to get it in my head that anything is better than nothing. Why can't I just get over myself and move on and just be totally independent.

I really don't understand this idea that parents have to support their children having kids. They are your kids so deal with them yourself. You chose to have them.

As for your mother making "excuses". Its her life to do what she wants with it, not yours. You are obviously putting her in an untenable position where she feels she has to give reasons. Nobody knows how bad her health is, including yourself. She is allowed to say no. Isn't that the mn full sentence?

I feel really sorry for your mother although I guess its kind of her fault since it was her that raised a selfish and entitled child. That might sound harsh but it is how you are coming across in your post.

I just can't understand parents with this attitude. I love my DS and DiL so much that if they had children (they are not going to have any) I would do anything in my power to support and help them.
They can't afford to get onto the housing ladder so I have sold my house and we're buying a house for all of us with a small granny annexe for me.
I don't think it is fair for me to be living in a big house on my own while DS and DiL are struggling with huge rents.
This way we can all afford to work part time and have more time and money for ourselves.
Some parents wouldn't give you the snot out of their nose, I can't understand why they had children if that is their attitude.

@Pittapatcat

I'm getting from this thread I just need to toughen up and not expect anything from them as an adult.

Book a babysitter for any help.

And if any care or crumbs are thrown my way be grateful I get that.

I'm not being sarcastic but that is the message I'm hearing. I just need to get it in my head that anything is better than nothing. Why can't I just get over myself and move on and just be totally independent.

This is the message that is coming across, I think it's awful. I cannot understand why a parent wouldn't offer a bit of support if they could. I'd do anything for DS. I think it's all wrong. I don't think your expectations are too high at all.

No doubt these same distant parents will expect all kinds of care when they get old never mind how that affects your life and recreation time.

My sibling had a son and daughter and get weekly childcare. But they do live locally.

I guess it's selfish to expect some help when I live further away. But they get so much care and practical help and my DD get's little interest and no one-to-one time or attention from their grandparent. I just hope my DD doesn't notice as they get older. She hasn't so far.

@Pittapatcat

Well my MIL has said she will do no childcare and both grandfather's do none. Mine has looked after my DD maybe 3 times in 8 years. And sat in the house whilst she sleeps maybe 5 times so we as a couple can go out past 7pm together. That's in 8 years.

If I'm honest yes I was hoping for more. That I see my friends having more involvement than this. Frequently I see grandparents at the school gates picking up kids.

But also if I've struggled with my own wellbeing since having my DD I have found there is always a crisis or something that tops my needs so I just get on with it on my own. It's as if my needs can never be met. Basically if I struggle I'm on my own. No parental support, sibling support. Just me and DH.

So, the only person who actually provides any childcare out of the four grandparents is the one you have now had a go at for not helping? Why not direct that towards those that have opted out entirely. I think it's so unfair that it's always the mothers who are painted out to be the bad guy when expectations aren't met in these situations, but the fathers gets none of it.

Maybe your mum just doesn’t like babies so much, many people don’t. It might get better when your baby is older.

I do think your expectations sound high though. You and your partner should bond over your baby, that’s the only important thing. Not you and your mum bonding over your baby. Can I ask how old you are op?

I totally get your desire for a parent who supports you and encourages you and builds a good relationship with their grandchildren. You hear about it, you see it in other people - it's tough when you have the opposite.

First, remember that although other people look happier in those relationships with their loving parents, it isn't always as good as it seems. People are good at projecting a happy image, but often their are tensions and conflicts that are under the surface. Never compare yourself to other people and families because it always makes you feel rubbish (we tend only to compare ourselves to happy/successful people) and it doesn't help anyway, because we can't change who we are and who our families are.

The advice others have given you to expect very little from parents does help as then you aren't disappointed when they don't help out at all. It protects you.

Try to focus on what you do have, rather than what you don't. It isn't easy, when there are reminders around of people who have supportive parents and good networks around them, but you do have a dh and a healthy child, and that's a great start. Celebrate them, enjoy them, and try not to hurt yourself by expecting more support from outside.

Best of luck. It does get easier, honest.

There are a lot of people on here, OP, who think that women have no right to any help from their parents. Most people in the real world don't think that, though.

If your mum can give help and if she can see you're struggling, then it's unkind and unfair of her not to help you.

I would be upset if my parents were uninterested in grandchildren but can understand they don't want to do childcare.

Do you socialise with them? Are the close with you and grandchildren?

It's difficult but if your mother wasn't great before kids it does sound a bit unrealistic to think she will suddenly improve because you've had kids.

You say she was never really there for you growing up.
Why did you think she would suddenly change who she is?
You aren't being unreasonable to feel upset and to wish you had a mum who wanted to support you but you were massively unrealistic to think that someone who has never been that would transform into that.

It’s only on mn where people are considered unreasonable for having any expectations of their parents once they’ve reached adulthood. I don’t care how old my children are, I’ll have their backs from the day they’re born until the day they die. They’ll always have a home here and my grandchildren will NEVER be turned away. They’ll have any support they need in any form, as long as I’m able to give it.

@inheritancetrack

You need to grow up a act like an adult. Your DMs role in life is to support you to adulthood not be a support when you yourself have your own family. She is there in a minor role and it is unkind to say she uses illnesses as an excuse.

This is a view I only ever see expressed (usually in an overly aggressive manner) on mumsnet. In the real world, of course it’s realistic to expect that a parent would care for and support their child throughout their life. That doesn’t mean support and care such as you need as a child, but the kind of relationship where you can rely on a parent to help in practical and emotional ways where they can. I don’t know anyone (any decent parents) who just cast their kids adrift at 18 and tell them it’s no longer their job to offer support as they are now performing “a minor role”.

I can imagine that you are sad about so little involvement. My parents look after all their grandkids a lot.
When i was a child my grandma did the same. We have such a close relationship and i still see her at least 3x a week. She is one of my closest and most favourite people in the world. I love how my children are forming the same bond with my mum.
Its truly beautiful.
I will definitely try and do the same for my children and i hope i play a big part in their lives later when they have their own families.

I would have expected (and got) more support than this, but even if everyone told you that your mother should be more involved and should be more supportive, that won't make it happen. Your mother is who she is. The best thing for your own wellbeing is to accept that this what happens in your family and manage your own expectations accordingly. If you are finding this difficult then maybe you need to put some space between you and your dm while you figure things out. Good luck

Why can't I just get over myself and move on and just be totally independent. That's a good question and one to work on. Like any other aspect of personality, some people do it naturally, others find it harder.

You might like to think about counselling, if you can afford it, to work on how to genuinely become more independent. It isn't easy when you have a sibling who is allowed to be dependent, but again, try to avoid comparisons and work on being you.

IME, we get 'stuck' in our developmental growth if we don't go back and deal with the causes. Somewhere inside you is a child wanting to be nurtured/encouraged/supported. You can pretend to be independent and strong - that will help - but actually by working on with a neutral counsellor will allow you to put that aspect of you to bed, and to focus on a grown up future with your dh and dd. Best of luck

I think it's really shitty and hurtful of your mum not to spend more time with your family. (I also think it's really shitty of your father, MIL, and FIL, and I don't think you should let them off the hook.)

But sometimes what has to happen, and this is really hard, is to move ahead without the support of the people you thought you could count on.

By which I mean, I do think you should build up an alternate support network, because you need to be able to take time away and you need to have a backup in case of a crisis.

This could mean friends (maybe trade childcare), paid babysitters, or anything else you can think of.

And I'd suggest perhaps a couple of counseling sessions where you could try to unpick some of the deep-seated hurt you have over your childhood and your mother-daughter relationship more broadly.

@Pittapatcat

I'm getting from this thread I just need to toughen up and not expect anything from them as an adult.

Book a babysitter for any help.

And if any care or crumbs are thrown my way be grateful I get that.

I'm not being sarcastic but that is the message I'm hearing. I just need to get it in my head that anything is better than nothing. Why can't I just get over myself and move on and just be totally independent.

I certainly don't feel that way. I think you have every right to feel hurt and let down. There is a middle ground between massive grandparent involevement/total support/possible exploitation of said grandparents and what you have. My own mother always made it clear she wouldn't do day to day childcare, very much has her own life but absolutely did take the children for weekends a couple of times of year when they were younger, and consistently shows an interest in me and them and has never let us down. As she says herself, even if she had zero interest in the children she would want to support me as her daughter. It is very sad that you don't have that and whatever you read on here, most people in real life really do have more love and support that you seem to have gotten..

How far away do you live op?

If you don't live locally then I don't think you are being reasonable in expecting lots of support sadly. That being said I do think there is a role for grandparents in their child's and grandchildrens lives and think it's quite sad that many feel their responsibility ends when their child reaches adulthood. I didn't have children to wash my hands of them when they have their own families. (And yes I'll be very disappointed if they choose to be childfree). Maybe it's because I'm Jewish - the weight of multi generational loss in the past - I can't imagine not offering help and support both physically and emotionally with my grandchildren one day

Well my mum has always said from the age of 18 ' I will not be looking after your children' and I've had a child and she doesn't support in any way really, as expected. Maybe your expectations are too high.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky you’re right. My mother’s one. When dds were born I got a crappy response of ‘I looked after my sisters kids, I’m not helping you with yours’. Lo and behold she’s elderly and infirm. Well, she expects my db to look after her. I’ve chipped in, but tbh I’d rather she was in a home.