Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massive row with DM

115 replies

Pittapatcat · 23/02/2022 09:09

I have just visited my DM and we had a massive row. It started off with mild stresses and became a full blown argument. I feel massively let down by her since I have had children and she has not been there for me. But often there has been an external reason why she couldn't such as illness etc which I feel has been used an excuse. I just feel so let down and angry about it. But the dynamic always feels like she can't support me and I get resentful. But the problem is I'm left with all the anger, stress and annoyance.

Has anyone got massive resentment with their parent that has built up since having children. And if it exploded and caused a big disagreement what did you do? And how did you let it go to move on?

Any advice would be so welcome as I feel at a total loss and it's just getting worse not better.

OP posts:
yourestandingonmyneck · 23/02/2022 14:56

@Pittapatcat

I guess I was hoping for her to be interested in me as her daughter who just has a baby. In my eyes it is quite a tough, vulnerable time in life. I thought it would be a bit more than just the odd observation the kids look sweet. I guess I always thought grandparents cared about their children n grandchildren and want to help make it easier.

It's only on Mumsnet I hear the opinion that they didn't expect or want grandparents involved

I get you OP and yes, MN does quite often berate people for expecting anything from anybody.

The truth is, like anything, there's a whole spectrum. Some people have shit mums who aren't interested in them or their kids, some people have a great mum but shit in laws, some people hit the jackpot and have great parents and great in laws.

It's only natural to want people around you who love your child as much as you do.

If your mum isn't doing that, then yes, I think you're entitled to feel a little bit sad / disappointed about that.

But ultimately it's her decision.

Your son has you and his dad. That's more than many kids. But yes, I understand and empathise with you about your mum Thanks

GreenFingeredNell15 · 23/02/2022 15:03

I'm a bit confused as to why, if DM was always a bit lacking, you'd expect her to suddenly be a DM and DGM who is supportive?

HideousKinky · 23/02/2022 15:05

OP I have been in your position (my mother gave all her time to my sister's family and none to me & my children) and know how much it hurts.
It caused me to have profound feelings of worthlessness and affected the sort of parent I was myself. Even now, many years after my mother has died, I am still haunted by it all.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/02/2022 15:07

@HideousKinky

OP I have been in your position (my mother gave all her time to my sister's family and none to me & my children) and know how much it hurts. It caused me to have profound feelings of worthlessness and affected the sort of parent I was myself. Even now, many years after my mother has died, I am still haunted by it all.
Hugs to you and a bit more empathy like yours wouldn't go astray, some posters are spectacularly lacking in same.
CheltenhamLady · 23/02/2022 15:07

@Babadook76

It’s only on mn where people are considered unreasonable for having any expectations of their parents once they’ve reached adulthood. I don’t care how old my children are, I’ll have their backs from the day they’re born until the day they die. They’ll always have a home here and my grandchildren will NEVER be turned away. They’ll have any support they need in any form, as long as I’m able to give it.
I agree absoloutely with the above, a child is for life not just for childhood!
CheltenhamLady · 23/02/2022 15:08

*Absolutely!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/02/2022 15:08

I found the only answer to the resentment I felt and still feel about things that can't be discussed on mumsnet was to move hundreds of miles away.
Its surprising how the resentment and other issues resolve themselves when you put a large space between you.
I only now feel that I can really live my own life my own way.
Thank God I have a loving relationship with my DS. I didn't have that myself.

PeacefulPrune · 23/02/2022 15:14

I have built up resentment to my parents. They moved abroad when I was 18 I wasn't too bothered at that time but the resentment came when I had my children. Both my parents are great with babies and children and always seem to have a young family near them that they help out. But because of distance we see them max once a year.

I know my mum wanted to come over for the birth but I'm just not close enough to her to have wanted that. Also she is very messy so it would have annoyed me.

I wish I could have a big blow out argument with them but we are a family of terrible communicators. We let things fester!

My in-laws have died and I feel so sad for my children that they don't get hardly any involvement of grandparents. Thankfully my brother helps out, he occasionally babysits at the weekend which is an absolute god send. I have to remind myself to appreciate that as I can easily feel so hard done by because of my parents.

jamandmarmaladeoncrumpets · 23/02/2022 15:24

Grandparents are not a babysitting service.

They can be involved without it being a way of you getting a night out.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/02/2022 15:34

@jamandmarmaladeoncrumpets

Grandparents are not a babysitting service.

They can be involved without it being a way of you getting a night out.

I don't see what is so wrong with hoping that a close relative (her mother for goodness sake) might give her the opportunity to have an occasional night out a few times a year without the cost and hassle of a babysitter. I have done as much for close friends, let alone familiy and my mother and sister and sister inlaws have all done so for us. And I consider myself on the 'loose ties', independent end of the spectrum!
CheltenhamLady · 23/02/2022 15:35

@jamandmarmaladeoncrumpets

Grandparents are not a babysitting service.

They can be involved without it being a way of you getting a night out.

They can be involved without it being a way of you getting a night out

Is that actually so terrible though?

Surely most GP's are happy to do some babysitting to help the parents have some together time?

jamandmarmaladeoncrumpets · 23/02/2022 15:44

@Pittapatcat Your mum & the grandfathers have their own life. Do not take them for granted as a babysitter and dress it up as involvement because that is just using.

You have a family now. Hire a babysitter if you want to go out.

I am not surprised your mum has left you to stand on your own two feet.

They can be involved by you hosting them. They have already had their years baby minding.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 23/02/2022 15:48

How old are you OP, how old is your DM?

Amnotamug · 23/02/2022 15:59

I find the MN opinion on here regarding grandchildren completely alien to my own family life and that of all my friends!!
Yes,grandparents have raised their own family but human instinct is to love and care for children and grandchildren forever ,regardless of age .
Even if not hands on but emotionally.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2022 16:03

I have read this thread with much interest because many years ago my mother showed a similar level of disinterest in my life and it showed further when I became a parent. The writing was on the wall really re her many years prior when she told me that she would not babysit or otherwise look after any children I went onto have. She was as good as her word preferring instead to clean my brothers’s house. It was about shit to feel
like the only parent too whose parent is not with them for the school play or sports days

I carved out a life for myself and made some good friends. My son is now an adult and has a minimal relationship with my parents and I feel disinclined now to help them as they are now in their dotage. You reap indeed what you sow.

MangshorJhol · 23/02/2022 16:07

But this is the child’s only grandparent who DOES babysit. Why is she getting all the flak?

Associatepeggy · 23/02/2022 16:09

So you don't live locally. But he does more than the any of the other grand parents and has health issues?

Like pp I am confused why it's her that you are having a go at, when she is doing more. Why not the others?

MissMaple82 · 23/02/2022 16:15

What is the resentment about? Why fo you feel the need to have so much of your mothers support. I'd expect to get to a certain age where my children don't need supporting all the time. What support is in you need?

2DogsOnMySofa · 23/02/2022 16:29

My life became so much simpler when I stoped trying to rely or expect help and support from my dm. She watched my dd once when I went out, I got a phone call just as I was about to sit down to eat, dd was ill. She was fine when I got there. The 2nd and last time she let me down the day before. Since then I stopped asking or expecting. I have a lovely relationship with dd, but my Mum never really clicked with her, as she never really made the effort and when we tried to visit, something came up which means she was in bed or away. It was almost like she didn't like me having a dc.

AnotherSillawithanS · 23/02/2022 16:32

I will never understand why people have children and then expect their families to help raise them.

SpiderVersed · 23/02/2022 16:33

I think you're projecting your emotional baggage from an unhappy childhood forward onto how your Mum engages with you now.

She's the only one of the 4 grandparents who has done any childcare whatsoever. Why isn't your post about the other three?

You also say she does lots of childcare for your sibling's children who live near her. You chose to move away, so of course she can't provide much childcare. ANd she has illnesses, which you seem to regard as excuses not to see you.

Sher wasn't a warm and loving mother to you, from what you've said. She can't change personality and become an idealised doting granny, it's not who she is.

Accepting the mother you have rather the mother you wish you had would bring you more peace than pining for something she just can't give you.

And if any care or crumbs are thrown my way be grateful I get that
Now, OP, no need to through a pity party. Most of the posts are offering pragmatic responses. Yes, it would be lovely if your mum lived and died for your daughter's smiles, but that's not her.

Put on your big girl pants, book a babysitter, take yourself out to the movies tonight and shake off your gloom.

givethatbabyaname · 23/02/2022 16:43

Yes, grandparents have raised their own family but human instinct is to love and care for children and grandchildren forever ,regardless of age

Well, that must mean that my wonderful, generous, loving but now aging parents are sub-human because although they love all their children and grandchildren dearly, they certainly don't care for them. They care a lot ABOUT them, but they've done their time and now they're resting, prioritizing their health, and enjoying themselves. Which we siblings are very happy to see.

I have no intention of giving up more of what I want from my life to rear or help rear my grandchildren. I have given up almost everything for my children, willingly and happily: for what will probably be more than 2 decades (and as I'm a woman, probably the healthiest and most valuable decades of my life) I am giving them the absolute best of myself so that they can go on to be fulfilled, independent, secure, confident and capable adults. It's entirely up to them what they do with their lives - children or no children, career or no career, whatever. And, once I'm confident they're able to stand on their own two feet, I will go back to making my own life a priority, be it through studying, traveling, voluntary work, focusing on neglected friendships, hobbies. I'm sure I will love any grandchildren dearly, but no, I won't go back to tending and providing. If I have grandchildren, I would like a similar sort of relationship with them that my parents have with my children: full of fun, enjoyment, interest but absolutely none of the drudgery.

Isn't that the way of life? Children are but one part of a full life. They're not an entire reason for being.

crosshatching · 23/02/2022 16:55

I'm doing my best to raise happy, responsible, independent adults too, but that doesn't mean I don't expect them to go through periods of stress, exhaustion, vulnerability and needing the occasional support whilst not being a prop.
Parenting babies and young children is a really demanding time, particularly in the early days when you're learning who your child is and what your voice and style of being a parent is too.
I don't ever intend that my kids couldn't come to me for support even if all I can offer is a listening ear.
OP you don't really say much about what has happened with the other three grandparents but safe to say you have to re-calibrate how you hoped things would be to how they are. Honestly you'll save yourself a lot of emotional energy that way. All best to you 💐

theleafandnotthetree · 23/02/2022 16:57

@Associatepeggy

So you don't live locally. But he does more than the any of the other grand parents and has health issues?

Like pp I am confused why it's her that you are having a go at, when she is doing more. Why not the others?

Because it's HER mother, and however you might like to see it as sexist, most people simply do have an expectation of love and care from their own mother. It feels like against the natural order of things for her mother to not give a toss. At least that's how I would see it and I'm no Pollyanna
theleafandnotthetree · 23/02/2022 16:59

@AnotherSillawithanS

I will never understand why people have children and then expect their families to help raise them.
Sweet Jesus, who said anything about helping raise them? A kind word, a level of interest in the OP and her child as people, the very occasional offer to babysit. I do as much and more for my friends children!