PIL turning up uninvited

[Hidingin]

I have a terrible relationship with PIL. They are rude and cruel to me, make fun of me, judge me, openly criticise me. They comment on our house, relationship, careers, our parenting, anything really and it’s never ever a positive comment. I normally shut this down with a ‘thanks but we’re happy with what we’re doing’ type comment but it’s relentless. Whilst they aren’t often horrible to DC they aren’t always the nicest either.
I ask them not to be rude, I have protected dc and DH defends us all too. but a lot happens subtly, and it becomes a waste of time as they deny everything or say we are just being sensitive if we raise any issues. Or occasionally they get incredibly mad, and will scream and swear at myself and DH even in front of DC. so when they’re in our house really I’m just trying to not let things blow up. There’s a lot more examples but we are now LC, with periods of NC after any particularly bad behaviour. Though they do pretend like nothing happened the next day, and then the rest of the family will comment on how cruel we are being in not having them over to our house enough.

My main issue is that sometimes even though we are LC, they just show up at our house uninvited. When they show up they will look in the windows and they won’t leave if they think we are in, so just ignoring them isn’t an option. They once stayed for 15 minutes whilst I was bathing dc and couldn’t get to the door. The entire time they were banging on the door, looking through the windows, and even shouting my name. DH was at work, and saw them on our security cameras. So he called them and asked them to come back later when he was home instead as I was obviously either out or couldn’t get to the door. But they said no, then they carried on knocking on the door and windows at the front of the house and then walked around the sides and back of the house, knocking on all of the windows and still shouting, letting themselves into our back garden and trying to open the side and back doors to let themselves in, getting more and more angry as time went on. I couldn’t hide upstairs with DC indefinitely so had to let them in, they were angry and started talking to DC about how silly mummy was, and can’t she hear anything? Why did she spend all that money on security cameras if she’s not going to look at them when people come to the house? Why won’t she let PIL see DC, aren’t DC much happier with PIL rather than just mummy, don’t DC love love PIL more than mummy and daddy…and so on…

Ive obviously asked politely and then more firmly told them not to come round uninvited. DH has also told them. But still they just turn up.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t relax in my own home because I know they could turn up any minute and we have to let them in and have them be rude to us in the house, or have a confrontation at the door where we tell them they can’t come in. I can also feel my anxiety building at any occasion that’s supposed to be nice like birthdays or even when dc2 was born because I know there’s even more chance of them turning up than normal.

I just don’t know how to stop getting so anxious about this. I don’t think it’s my decision to go no contact as they’re not my parents. I have attempted NC myself and DH can go visit at their house whenever he wants. But still they turn up at our house.

Just a bit awkward is nothing, but you’re allowing it to be the reason you’re hiding upstairs feeling stressed and ill

Awkward is nothing compared with allowing this scum into your house.

They are the dregs.

Keep them away from your children.

You and your husband are far too nice and polite. They need to be cussed out in the worst way, the police called on them, a restraining order filed against them to cease & desist (that is what we call it here in the US) which bars then from calling or coming to your home EVER AGAIN. You can do Zoom calls with them or something once a week. They sound like the worst people on the planet and would get a full lungful of my most foul sailor type profanity. Until you come down very hard on them, they are going to keep doing whatever they want. You and husband TALK but you don't actually DO anything. Stop talking. Start taking firm and decisive action.

As for them getting sick your husband is being weak and is so easily manipulated it's not funny. Instead of running over there like they want, send the police over to do what we call here a "wellness check". Those two fools aren't so elderly that they can't drive around harassing people and bamming on doors for an hour, so they are quite healthy and strong. Send the cops over every time they cry sick. Or a visiting nurse that will give them the bill for services. They will soon stop.

They sound nuts and your dh is wrapped around their baby fingers. If my dh did not keep them away, I would have to go ahead and tell them not to come over again, if we want to see them we will visit somewhere else. Their place or wherever. I feel badly for you, your dh needs to grow a spine.

can you move house & not tell them your new address? seriously, if this is an option then it will get you your freedom back.

otherwise, securing the garden & having a good gate to keep them off the property would be a good option. they will get bored of standing in the street.

You need to protect yourself and your children from these people. I feel sorry for your husband but you owe it to your children to keep emotionally abusive people out of their lives.

If they don’t learn boundaries from their parents, who are they going to learn them from?

Good luck .

I agree @allparietal, this situation is so disrespectful to @Hidingin that moving would be a serious consideration if nothing else worked. Do you have any close neighbours who would be willing to call the police and say there is a disturbance?

Your making this more of an issue than it needs to be.

If they show up unannounced and uninvited and your not comfortable letting them in - ignore them. Lock the doors and let them stay out there. If the knocking persists - call the police.

If your at their house and they start criticising and mocking you - leave.

When they come to your house and start behaving inappropriately- tell them to get out.

They will keep behaving this way as long as you allow it and by the sounds of it, you both need to put them in their place once and for all.

How horrible! Very much agree with others. Keep these people away from your DC. They’re toxic.

I’d very much try to get security camera recordings of their behaviour for posterity - snd in case you need it for police or to defend your position to other family members.

Try to PIL proof your home. Shutters or film in front windows so they can’t see in

Sturdy fence and locked gate to keep them out of the back.

I’d very much call the police on them.

With what you wrote previously

‘Wow we just popped round to DSs to see our darling GC who we love so much, and his horrible wife called the police on us! For no reason at all. We are devastated and don’t know why she is keeping GC away from us’

Anyone they tell that to would actually think something is wrong with them, not you

Thanks all, this has given me a bit more courage to speak to DH about it all. We’re still nervous about the confrontation, I just want an easy life! But I feel like I have more right to be unhappy with this situation now

Open a window and tell them your busy and not up for company!

Are you friendly with any neighbours? Could you ask them to call the police if they see someone acting suspiciously (looking in windows/loitering/trying the door/going round the back)?!

I genuinely don't understand why you don't answer the door and say "this isn't a good time to visit, please don't come unannounced" and shut the door.

I feel suffocated just reading your post!

People cannot walk all over you unless you lie down and let them. LC or NC, you are going to have to lay down some boundaries and enforce them. And there is going to be unpleasantness because they are not reasonable people. But let's be honest, there is unpleasantness now.

@Natty13

I genuinely don't understand why you don't answer the door and say "this isn't a good time to visit, please don't come unannounced" and shut the door.

Because when everyone around you tells you this is normal, you feel rude and wonder if perhaps you are just impolite. Family is important and you should make time for them. And even when I have said it’s not a good time they will say oh let me just say hi to DC and keep shouting the DC if they can’t see them. If they do see them they will say things like DC don’t you want me to come in? DC aren’t you happier now I’m here.

If I don’t allow them in I will get passive agressive texts and comments for weeks about it. Which isn’t a reason to do what they want, but sometimes you just don’t have the energy or mental capacity to deal with it. I’m just a bit worn down.

@CookPassBabtridge

I feel suffocated just reading your post!

I get anxious and feel a bit sick everytime a car pulls up outside the house or the doorbell goes. I definitely can’t carry on like this.

@ChargingBuck

You need to have a simple, easy to remember phrase ready at the drop of a hat if anyone tries to overstep your boundaries. I'm sure someone will be along to suggest something suitable

*Fuck off you deranged twats" should do it.

Perfect

20:32 post gives excellent advice

This sounds like you could use the reddit boat rocking analogy... voilà

Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Becausewearen't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it,because it did.

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see thatyouaren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

Thank you for letting me ramble. Thanks for the support, and advice, and humour. Thanks for just being here :)

It sounds like you and your dh are starting to go off in your own boat and be better at not letting pil cause you guys to capsize but the rest of the siblings and extended family are very much in the getting you and dh to back down and lay flatter for abusive pil so the crazy people stop trying to drown everyone by tipping the boat over, to get you and dh back in line. Unfortunately you just have to not give a crap what people say and think and get good at grey rocking and bean dipping, I.e I'm not prepared to talk about pil, have you tried this fab bean dip, delicious (I.e. redirect convo) then walking away if they try to steer it back.

Blocking them all on your phone, preventing any texting you is an easy start.

This is all so utterly batshit.

I would be looking to move with or without your husband.

Your life sounds hellish.

Call the police or suggest moving.

Unbelievable that they are allowed to affect your MH as your husband stands by.

I'd move and refuse to give them my address and only see them when, and if I wanted to. X

Id start by getting a new phone number for yourself and your dh. landlines and mobiles - for the people you do want contact with to contact you.
And a completely separate "Crazy in law phone" that they can contact you on - to keep their contact with you completely separate from all the other (normal!) people in your life. You can also the have that phone switched off - literally silencing them.

Next step......... if you can, make a plan to move, as Shrek would say "to a land far, far away". And dont give them your address. So all contact would be entirely on your terms.
Good luck op - they sound truly horrendous. x

If you have recordings of their crazy behaviour, send it to family members who think your mean and ask if they think it's normal.
Elderly? not infirm enough to stop
them harassing you 🙄

Just checking in @Hidingin to find out if things have improved for you at all or if they are still the same?