PIL turning up uninvited

[Hidingin]

I have a terrible relationship with PIL. They are rude and cruel to me, make fun of me, judge me, openly criticise me. They comment on our house, relationship, careers, our parenting, anything really and it’s never ever a positive comment. I normally shut this down with a ‘thanks but we’re happy with what we’re doing’ type comment but it’s relentless. Whilst they aren’t often horrible to DC they aren’t always the nicest either.
I ask them not to be rude, I have protected dc and DH defends us all too. but a lot happens subtly, and it becomes a waste of time as they deny everything or say we are just being sensitive if we raise any issues. Or occasionally they get incredibly mad, and will scream and swear at myself and DH even in front of DC. so when they’re in our house really I’m just trying to not let things blow up. There’s a lot more examples but we are now LC, with periods of NC after any particularly bad behaviour. Though they do pretend like nothing happened the next day, and then the rest of the family will comment on how cruel we are being in not having them over to our house enough.

My main issue is that sometimes even though we are LC, they just show up at our house uninvited. When they show up they will look in the windows and they won’t leave if they think we are in, so just ignoring them isn’t an option. They once stayed for 15 minutes whilst I was bathing dc and couldn’t get to the door. The entire time they were banging on the door, looking through the windows, and even shouting my name. DH was at work, and saw them on our security cameras. So he called them and asked them to come back later when he was home instead as I was obviously either out or couldn’t get to the door. But they said no, then they carried on knocking on the door and windows at the front of the house and then walked around the sides and back of the house, knocking on all of the windows and still shouting, letting themselves into our back garden and trying to open the side and back doors to let themselves in, getting more and more angry as time went on. I couldn’t hide upstairs with DC indefinitely so had to let them in, they were angry and started talking to DC about how silly mummy was, and can’t she hear anything? Why did she spend all that money on security cameras if she’s not going to look at them when people come to the house? Why won’t she let PIL see DC, aren’t DC much happier with PIL rather than just mummy, don’t DC love love PIL more than mummy and daddy…and so on…

Ive obviously asked politely and then more firmly told them not to come round uninvited. DH has also told them. But still they just turn up.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t relax in my own home because I know they could turn up any minute and we have to let them in and have them be rude to us in the house, or have a confrontation at the door where we tell them they can’t come in. I can also feel my anxiety building at any occasion that’s supposed to be nice like birthdays or even when dc2 was born because I know there’s even more chance of them turning up than normal.

I just don’t know how to stop getting so anxious about this. I don’t think it’s my decision to go no contact as they’re not my parents. I have attempted NC myself and DH can go visit at their house whenever he wants. But still they turn up at our house.

Wow OP I really feel for you.

I also have to say that normally I feel like the DH needs to pull his weight more in these situations but I have a lot of sympathy towards your other half. He really is trying to put boundaries in place to no avail!

Unfortunately, the convenient 'illness' they both seem to get each time means they are never held accountable to their actions. No matter how difficult it is, your DH had GOT to be strong next time and not run over to help them with their imaginary illness. By doing this every time, he's enabling them to act like this as they never experience consequences to their actions. He can always leave some food outside the door but make it VERY clear that he is not happy with their behaviour. This is the only way the cycle will be broken.

While it is easy for me to say call the police, I know it is very difficult with in-laws who are this manipulative (this is coming from someone who's needed therapy because of MiL). A tactful way of dealing with this may be to hurry DC out of the door and say you've made plans with someone else and are already running late (do you have a friend you could visit at very short notice, perhaps explaining the situation in advance so they'll let you hide out at their house for a few hours?) If they don't get what they want (time with DC) and they can't spread a sob story to everyone else because its a very fair reason they should hopefully give up.

You have my utmost sympathy.

Wtf. They are crazy. I wouldn't acknowledge these people in the street let alone allow them in my home.

To be fair to the rest of the family they are all treated the same by PIL.

That's their problem it's not yours to solve or distract from

he is mired in his own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re them.

Absolutely

@AttilaTheMeerkat is spot on and very good at advising on such situations

I agree but he knew I was home alone with them outside getting angry

.He wouldn’t do anything to make them more angry whilst Im alone to deal with it and have the dc there who could hear it all.

All the more reason to involve the police

When I was first nc with my dad he threatened to take me to court to get access to dd

He's abused me and that was why I wanted him NOWHERE NEAR dd so I replied that if he did I would be telling MY lawyer and the court EXACTLY why I didn't want him near dd and I also said I would speak to HIS local paper too - and I meant it!

He backed right off!

Has anyone really called the police on their family?

Yes

My sister who I am now nc with and have been in the past. Mum acted as flying monkey and persuaded me to resume contact. Sister got v drunk at another relatives milestone birthday party and when I wouldn't enter into a discussion about the previous nc then and there with her screaming at me she assaulted me. Damn right I called the police on her!

I stupidly didn't go nc straight away again as mum begged me not to, then she assaulted me again - this time mum witnessed, sister didn't know mum was there and this time mum saw for herself and hasn't once raised the subject with me. I've been nc since

Sister attempted to "make up" via email and showing up at my door to which I told her the last time she was to stop contacting me stop turning up. I dialled the police and had it on speaker so she could hear and she buggered off. Not seen her since

The gaslighting is real!!

Ohhhhh yes

You don't say what you said

my PIL are here, they want to their their grandchildren, and I’m too scared to tell them we’re busy’

You and dh tell them - preferably in a form where it's "in writing" and also shows they have read it! If you can manage that at the very least a recorded letter. That they aren't to come to yours at all

Then you can say to the police

"My oil are here harassing me despite us clearly telling them - because of previous harassment - not to come here. I've told them to go and they're refusing. They are causing fear and alarm and distressing my young child and being a public nuisance. Please can they be moved on"

The police are actually well used to dealing with such situations as it's pretty common!

Usually their mere presence is enough to get the harassers to back off and if it isn't and they kick off the police will deal with that

And the subsequent fallout when other people are told
‘Wow we just popped round to DSs to see our darling GC who we love so much, and his horrible wife called the police on us! For no reason at all. We are devastated and don’t know why she is keeping GC away from us’

1 chances are they won't say anything to people outside the family as they KNOW most peoples next thought will be "the police don't get involved for no reason - what are they not mentioning"

2 the family they might say this to KNOW. What they are like - and if they give you grief (personally I'd be nc with them too!) then that's your response - the pil gave you no choice and in any case how you deal with pil isn't their business

3 people that you and the pil vaguely know will not want to get involved

Anyone who is unsympathetic/won't hear your side of things isn't worth your time anyway

but PIL know lots of people we know, even from work and things. It’s just a bit awkward isn’t it

Actually what you usually find is that they already have an idea of what they're like! They don't antagonise them but they also have their number!

@Hidingin

There is a difference between them popping round, knocking once and going, and spending 15/20 minutes knocking and shouting, walking round the house etc that’s harassment

That’s why you give them one warning that you are not going to let them in and they need to go. If they refuse it’s trespass, and if they continue to knock that’s harassment

However you need to agree with dh this is what you want to do

As I get older I have little tolerance for bully’s like your laws

Have you sent anything to them clearly in writing? Eg:

Dear PIL,

As previously discussed, if you want to see the DGC please contact DH to arrange a suitable time in advance.

If you turn up unannounced and I am either out or busy, you will obviously not be able to see them.

Therefore the best way to ensure that you are able to see your DGC is to arrange a suitable time in advanced with DH.

Regards,

OP.

P.s, If you continue to disturb my neighbors and myself by attempting to break into the house or garden when not expected or invited, I will have no option but to report this to the police as an attempted break in. I will not be made to feel unsafe in my own home by shouting, banging, and having my doors opened, which also scares DC and is counter productive to you wanting to see them.

even after it’s clear we weren’t home, they stayed and looked around the house.

Change the locks if they have a key.

Call the police next time.
Can you record them next time from your security cams? Proof they are harrasing you.

I'd call the police. Seriously. They have no right to bully you in your home like this. Get your husband on side and go total no contact, they are fucking insane bullies. It's like emotional buglary - and aggravated burglary at that. Tell them once, in writing, never to come to your home or approach you again. Then, call the police if they turn up, every time.

DH does not care for PIL
But he does want a relationship with his younger siblings. They all have a great relationship and do not like PIL however no one believes the behaviour is abusive. We are seen as the ones escalating the situation.
In the community PIL seem to be spoken of very highly.

When I make a decision to go NC with PIL and then things become tense with his siblings as a result (because PIL are crying and begging the siblings to talk sense into me, or because I won’t go to family gatherings, or it makes it difficult for siblings to see DC as PIL will invite themselves along and everyone’s left as part of the confrontation then) I’m happy to do that but I’m not just making that decision for me because then it’s also tense for DH
I am always the instigator of the confrontation whereas everyone else just allows PIL to do as they like (and admittedly avoids them too)
The more I learn about narcissistic parents the more I believe that he has grown up in an abusive home, and I’m not sure that me forcing any decisions on him when he isn’t ready is helpful when he is a victim here too. But I also need to set my own boundaries.

Thank you to everyone single person who’s posted so far
I feel so much less anxious just hearing that I’m not a totally unreasonable b*tch

Sorry I mean he doesn’t like them
He does care for and worry about them if they’re Ill

They don’t have a key but will stay outside the property looking in

I have got recordings of them

I have text them asking them to ask us before turning up
but not formal writing

@Graphista I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences. And @AttilaTheMeerkat thank you I’ve been lurking on these sorts of threads for a while now and your advice to other posters has been very helpful to me too

@AttilaTheMeerkat is the best isn't she?

Thank you - my family are the toxic ones so when I was married my ex was the one with toxic in laws - it's not always the guys family!

I've also lurked on the "stately homes" threads and I've used the out of the fog site a lot AND had a lot of therapy (officially for my ocd but my family situation is part of that so it comes up) thankfully at the moment I have a therapist that isn't overly invested in "but they're your faaaaaaamily" crap! I have at other times though - it's usually younger therapists with less life experience that are like that I think the older more experienced ones have come across the damage that such families do more and so have been disillusioned!

Get a lock on back garden gate. Don’t answer door, just put music on. They are nuts. They are nasty to your kids too by doing this. Your dh needs to make a stand.

Which bits of the house can they get to? Is your back gate secure? What do your cameras cover? (as an aside I would keep some clips of their deranging banging on the windows and send them to anyone questioning you) A friend of mine had escaping children and a very reactive dog so ended up having a 6 food metal railing fence around her front garden, front door and windows with a locked gate in it, intercom and postbox. Ended up covered in clematis which made it look less prison-like. The driveway was to the side of the house so not within the fence bit. Meant no one could get near the front windows or door without her letting them in, and the kids couldn't get out if they got past the front door. Is that an option for you?

As PP have said - try to make it difficult for them to access the back of your property. Get blinds on the front room windows and over any glass in the front door so that you can go downstairs to the kitchen. Next time stick it out , dog or no dog, if you’re not prepared to call the police. It might be worth making a non emergency enquiry to the police about what they advise you to do when you’re being harassed by relatives who you do not wish to see.
Your home should be your safe space - no one should be in there who has a go at you, particularly not those who try to include your children in their criticism of you.

So, if I understand the situation, your DH and his siblings have to tow the party line when it comes to their parents. Anyone considers rocking the boat, and the parents send their children (adult children at that) in to do their bidding, thereby taking on the role of their 'flying monkeys'.

Just ignore, ignore, ignore.

You need to have a simple, easy to remember phrase ready at the drop of a hat if anyone tries to overstep your boundaries. I'm sure someone will be along to suggest something suitable, but until then, all I can suggest is ignore, ignore, ignore.

You need to have a simple, easy to remember phrase ready at the drop of a hat if anyone tries to overstep your boundaries. I'm sure someone will be along to suggest something suitable

*Fuck off you deranged twats" should do it.

As you have a Ring and can see who it is, perhaps also phone-app-activated sprinklers in a suitable spot in the front garden? You could claim they were motion-activated.

I have a relative that I really like. One of her DILs refuses to see her. She tells me about how unreasonable the DIL is being, and I commiserate with her about how dreadful it all is. But I can imagine my relative being a MIL from hell, however well we get on. If people don't know you or the PILs well enough to guess that you're not just a bitch, their opinion is irrelevant.

Your dh is playing a dangerous game sitting on that fence.

Horrendous. I think that’s harassment. Solicitor’s letter?

but when everyone around you tells you this is normal and you are the one being difficult, it’s really hard to be sure that actually you aren’t being that unreasonable, nasty DIL

Why? Because if they are aiming at you they aren’t firing at anyone else.

It’s typical by-stander bullying behaviour, they’d rather you suffer than them suffer.

@ChargingBuck

You need to have a simple, easy to remember phrase ready at the drop of a hat if anyone tries to overstep your boundaries. I'm sure someone will be along to suggest something suitable

*Fuck off you deranged twats" should do it.

Absolutely perfect.

OP,
Agree with above.

Your husband is sacrificing you through fear.

There behaviour is harassment and just awful for your children to be around.

Please contact the police.

Who cares if they are upset or if your husband is upset.

No one cares about YOUR upset.

Contact 101 and lodge a complaint of harassment.

TELL your husband to sort this out as you NEVER want them near your door again and it IS NOW a police matter.

They don't care about you, or what you want.

They are nasty ugly people and will not change.

Get them out of your life and ask the police for help to do so.

You don't have to accept this.

@5YearsLeft

PIL just want to see their GC so why aren’t I letting them in. If I let them in they wouldn’t have to keep banging on the door

There’s a part of your brain that instinctively knows why this sounds so wrong. It’s because it’s just another form of: “If you didn’t make him angry, he wouldn’t hit you.”

Your PILs are ignoring your boundaries, affecting your mental health, and it sounds like they say things that are emotionally abusive. And the rest of the family is saying, “Well, if you didn’t fight back, they wouldn’t emotionally abuse you.” And in so many of these situations as well, it’s because the rest of the family doesn’t want to deal with PILs; they don’t enjoy them either, and they really don’t enjoy listening to them when they’re angry at you. They want YOU to have to deal with PILs so that the family’s life is easier. They want to sacrifice your mental health for that.

You need to take the fact that they’re PILs out of the equation. You need to ignore the family, and maybe even DH. The question is: if two abusive people are knocking at all your doors and windows, yelling your name, then trying to OPEN those doors, while it’s just you and toddler DC at home, what would you do? You would call the police. And that’s exactly what you should do.

You shouldn’t have to feel this constant low-level anxiety in your own home. It sounds so much like what someone who has a stalker feels, never knowing when they might show up or when they might escalate the situation.

Good luck, OP, and please, don’t feel guilty. This situation is not your fault; the only “family” that thinks it is, is the kind of family that follows a very dangerous script.

This OP! He should warn your parents that the police will be called if they ever do that again. He needs to be be protecting all of ye, the children and yourself, from his parents. They abuse you and are not good for your children. He needs to be very, very firm with them. I would go so far as to say he needs to put the fear of God into them! Personally, I would want to go NC forever with the foul creatures! But PLEASE protect yourself and your children OP. They are pure poison!

We have to let them in and have them be rude to us in the house, or have a confrontation at the door where we tell them they can’t come in

No, you really don't; instead, tell them from an upstairs window that it's not convenient and they need to leave
They might shout and knock and upset the kids and dog a couple of times, but even people like this won't carry on indefinitly if they're not getting a reaction - though if it goes on too long you call the police, if only for the sake of the neighbours

They don’t have a key but will stay outside the property looking in

I have got recordings of them

Call the police and let them know there are trespassers on your property.

@Hidingin

And the subsequent fallout when other people are told ‘Wow we just popped round to DSs to see our darling GC who we love so much, and his horrible wife called the police on us! For no reason at all. We are devastated and don’t know why she is keeping GC away from us’

I shouldn’t care what other people think but PIL know lots of people we know, even from work and things. It’s just a bit awkward isn’t it.

I’m not trying to be difficult I know what everyone is saying is right, but when everyone around you tells you this is normal and you are the one being difficult, it’s really hard to be sure that actually you aren’t being that unreasonable, nasty DIL

Call the police every time, tell them they’re harassing you, that you’ve told them to leave you alone and they won’t

Ignore all the worrying about what they will say, they bad mouth you whatever you do

And this comes to you from someone who has called the police on her own mother

No reaction at all from you except to call the police and say that there’s someone hammmering at your door and swearing at you again and they’ve been told a million times to leave you alone.