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Original poster

DP's career dreams

123 replies

Lampface · 20/02/2022 23:01

I am going slightly around the bend and I don't know what to do.

DP and I are in our mid twenties. We live together and are engaged. We are generally very happy together apart from this one thing and I don't know how to approach it.

DP is very clever but she also doesn't know what she wants to do with her life and hops from career to career, giving up after very little time. She has lots of skills but gets bored quickly (she has ADHD which contributes to this). Right now she has decided that she wants to be a youtuber which is all fine and dandy except few YouTubers actually make money... and I'm left with handling it all.

I study full time, and I work full time. I've done quite well for myself given my age but I'm working 55-60hrs a week including studying just to keep us afloat, whilst DP fucks about on YouTube and complains about being tired.

I'm so exhausted by it all, I'm burning out, and I'm not doing well in my classes. I just want DP to find something she loves that actually has earning potential, and bloody well stick with it.

We are getting married and doing IVF next year (lesbian couple). I don't have the heart to tell her that I think this is completely unfiesable when I am the one going on mat leave as a self-employed person, and she has no income.

Help. Do I get realistic with her or keep letting her do her own thing?

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 20/02/2022 23:06

Sorry OP but this is not really a partnership as she's not contributing her share of effort and finances. No wonder it makes you feel resentful. Have you talked to her about how this makes you feel and the stress it puts on your relationship?

Do you intend to have children? Which of you would do the physical carrying/birthing if so, and how would you manage the cost/time away from work if it was you?

YukoandHiro · 20/02/2022 23:07

Sorry just realised you clarify on my questions at the end of your post - that's the key thing really, would it even be financially possible for you to be the birthing parent?

Original poster
Lampface · 20/02/2022 23:09

@YukoandHiro

Sorry OP but this is not really a partnership as she's not contributing her share of effort and finances. No wonder it makes you feel resentful. Have you talked to her about how this makes you feel and the stress it puts on your relationship?

Do you intend to have children? Which of you would do the physical carrying/birthing if so, and how would you manage the cost/time away from work if it was you?

This is how I feel. I have tried to talk to her about it but she gets very stressed as she has low confidence and when she finds a new thing it basically boosts that up, so I feel like I'm tearing her down again.

We do plan to have children with our first embryo transfer happening next autumn. I plan to birth and take mat leave. Financially that feels impossible at the moment though given she's not earning and I'm self employed, so we can't even save.

We were planning to put away a grand a month into savings from this January but then at the last minute she flip flopped careers again and changed her mind. I don't know how much flip flopping I can take. She's tried about 10 different things since we got together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lampface · 20/02/2022 23:10

@YukoandHiro

Sorry just realised you clarify on my questions at the end of your post - that's the key thing really, would it even be financially possible for you to be the birthing parent?
I don't think so, but she doesn't want to carry - and I really do!
OP posts:
Original poster
Lampface · 20/02/2022 23:12

Also DP gets excited about all the future plans just as much as I do and when I voice financial concerns she just goes, 'it'll all work out', but HOW will it work out when it's like this?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/02/2022 23:14

Why on earth are you planning to have a baby so soon? The fact she thinks she's going to make it as a YouTuber tells you she is far too immature to have a baby! You are so young. You are not in a partnership. She is using you. I think you should take a few years before thinking of IVF. In that time I hope you find someone who deserves you, rather than someone who is dependent on you.

SpacePotato · 20/02/2022 23:15

If it were me I'd be thinking long and hard about staying in a relationship that will most likely never change.

You will always be the one run ragged whilst your DP is off on another non viable flight of fancy. She doesn't need to take responsibility and get proper paid job if you're always there to pick up the slack.

I certainly wouldn't have a child in this situation. Sorry.

Original poster
Lampface · 20/02/2022 23:16

@HollowTalk

Why on earth are you planning to have a baby so soon? The fact she thinks she's going to make it as a YouTuber tells you she is far too immature to have a baby! You are so young. You are not in a partnership. She is using you. I think you should take a few years before thinking of IVF. In that time I hope you find someone who deserves you, rather than someone who is dependent on you.
The plans were made when she stuck with something for a bit. I agree that financially it won't work if she sticks to the YouTube thing and we'll have to put it off. And you're right, it will be a few years away at this point if she doesn't get her shit together.

I feel like she is using me a bit at this point, yes.

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 20/02/2022 23:16

You’ve got a baby. It’s DP.

Original poster
Lampface · 20/02/2022 23:17

@SpacePotato

If it were me I'd be thinking long and hard about staying in a relationship that will most likely never change.

You will always be the one run ragged whilst your DP is off on another non viable flight of fancy. She doesn't need to take responsibility and get proper paid job if you're always there to pick up the slack.

I certainly wouldn't have a child in this situation. Sorry.

Sad

I know you're right though. I love her but love isn't enough when someone is insisting on being an idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lampface · 20/02/2022 23:19

@Supersimkin2

You’ve got a baby. It’s DP.
Ha! Good point. It certainly feels like that at the moment.

Her mum allowed her to do this when she lived at home and sometimes I feel like she went from one situation where she was supported financially to fuck about, to another

OP posts:
BIWI · 20/02/2022 23:19

It sounds like you are in a relationship where you are playing the part of the parent and she is the playing the part of the child.

This would all be very lovely, except for the fact that your future plans are for you to be changing those roles, and that she is going to have to be the parent (along with you) for some time to come.

Have you ever discussed what's going to happen when/if you get pregnant and she has to take responsibility for the family?

DenholmElliot · 20/02/2022 23:21

No. She can't fuck about making Youtube videos and leave you to bring in the income. Thats just not on, and you need to tell her. She needs to be working full time and bringing an income in.

Original poster
Lampface · 20/02/2022 23:22

@BIWI

It sounds like you are in a relationship where you are playing the part of the parent and she is the playing the part of the child.

This would all be very lovely, except for the fact that your future plans are for you to be changing those roles, and that she is going to have to be the parent (along with you) for some time to come.

Have you ever discussed what's going to happen when/if you get pregnant and she has to take responsibility for the family?

We have yes. She goes 'it'll all work out', which is not reassuring when I don't feel like it will.

And then she goes on about wanting to financially support us when I am on mat leave but I don't know how she expects to do this???

I was raised in poverty and I'm not doing it to my children. If DP doesn't get herself together then we will just have to wait longer. But I feel like my own personal dreams are getting left behind for her impossible career ones.

OP posts:
FiftyStoriesHigh · 20/02/2022 23:25

Ah I really want to be able to say it totally will work itself out and you’re both young but fundamentally the gulf of ambition and forward planning etc between the two of you appears to be the issue. Plenty of people have kids with poor financial planning (not saying it’s ideal, but it’s true) but it sounds like you’re on very different pages.

EezyOozy · 20/02/2022 23:25

She needs to get a stable job (even if she finds it boring) and fit her hobbies around it, like everyone else.

Original poster
Lampface · 20/02/2022 23:27

@DenholmElliot

No. She can't fuck about making Youtube videos and leave you to bring in the income. Thats just not on, and you need to tell her. She needs to be working full time and bringing an income in.
She says she can't work full time because she has ADHD and needs to be doing lots of different things so she needs to make time for them. I know it's different but I'm autistic and she's expecting me to bring in all the money at the moment despite it being difficult for me - where's my understanding?! Sad
OP posts:
EezyOozy · 20/02/2022 23:28

She says she can't work full time because she has ADHD and needs to be doing lots of different things so she needs to make time for them.

She is taking the piss!

Original poster
Lampface · 20/02/2022 23:29

@FiftyStoriesHigh

Ah I really want to be able to say it totally will work itself out and you’re both young but fundamentally the gulf of ambition and forward planning etc between the two of you appears to be the issue. Plenty of people have kids with poor financial planning (not saying it’s ideal, but it’s true) but it sounds like you’re on very different pages.
Oh she has plenty of ambition, she just keeps throwing it in a million and one places at once. But yes her forward planning skills are crap.

And yeah, I'm responsible with money, my LISA is maxed out, I have thousands tucked away, etc etc... being with someone who is so blase about it is getting to me. And it's funny because she grew up in a very comfortable home financially and I grew up in poverty - and look at which one of us is more money aware!

OP posts:
FiftyStoriesHigh · 20/02/2022 23:30

If she has such poorly controlled ADHD as to be unable to work, how does she expect she’ll master the executive functioning of taking care of a young child?

Original poster
Lampface · 20/02/2022 23:31

@hassletassle

She needs to get a stable job (even if she finds it boring) and fit her hobbies around it, like everyone else.
Apparently it takes all week to make one youtube video 🙄 which given I edit partially for a living, I find very hard to believe.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lampface · 20/02/2022 23:32

@hassletassle

She says she can't work full time because she has ADHD and needs to be doing lots of different things so she needs to make time for them.

She is taking the piss!

Yes I've been really understanding but I'm starting to feel this. She also doesn't medicate her ADHD at the moment which is her choice but god our lives would be easier if she did.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lampface · 20/02/2022 23:35

@FiftyStoriesHigh

If she has such poorly controlled ADHD as to be unable to work, how does she expect she’ll master the executive functioning of taking care of a young child?
Yep I agree with this too. I am not prepared to carry our children and begin that stage of our lives when she's like this. She's going to have to get a grip first.
OP posts:
FiftyStoriesHigh · 20/02/2022 23:36

She’ll have a shock. Not least because she’s clearly used to her core relationships centring around her. You sound lovely, OP.

SpacePotato · 20/02/2022 23:38

Sho won't work full time.
There's your answer. She will most likely never be able to support herself financially, let alone support you and a child.

If DP doesn't get herself together then we will just have to wait longer

How long are you prepared to wait though?
What if she doesn't and you are permanently skint and exhausted with no help and no baby?

Plans change op. You only get one life.