DP's career dreams

[Lampface]

I am going slightly around the bend and I don't know what to do.

DP and I are in our mid twenties. We live together and are engaged. We are generally very happy together apart from this one thing and I don't know how to approach it.

DP is very clever but she also doesn't know what she wants to do with her life and hops from career to career, giving up after very little time. She has lots of skills but gets bored quickly (she has ADHD which contributes to this). Right now she has decided that she wants to be a youtuber which is all fine and dandy except few YouTubers actually make money... and I'm left with handling it all.

I study full time, and I work full time. I've done quite well for myself given my age but I'm working 55-60hrs a week including studying just to keep us afloat, whilst DP fucks about on YouTube and complains about being tired.

I'm so exhausted by it all, I'm burning out, and I'm not doing well in my classes. I just want DP to find something she loves that actually has earning potential, and bloody well stick with it.

We are getting married and doing IVF next year (lesbian couple). I don't have the heart to tell her that I think this is completely unfiesable when I am the one going on mat leave as a self-employed person, and she has no income.

Help. Do I get realistic with her or keep letting her do her own thing?

@FiftyStoriesHigh

She’ll have a shock. Not least because she’s clearly used to her core relationships centring around her. You sound lovely, OP.

Haha yes, she is a bit like that! Coddled by her mum and now by me a bit too. I also need to get a grip I think.

To put it in some context, my DSs wanted to be YouTubers when they were about 10. They've grown up since then.

@SpacePotato

Sho won't work full time. There's your answer. She will most likely never be able to support herself financially, let alone support you and a child.

If DP doesn't get herself together then we will just have to wait longer

How long are you prepared to wait though?
What if she doesn't and you are permanently skint and exhausted with no help and no baby?

Plans change op. You only get one life.

She thinks she'll be able to work full time through youtube because she will be able to have a channel full of lots of different things. Which is a bit silly.

I'm not prepared to wait much longer. I've been financially, practically and emotionally ready to be a mum for years. I might give her a deadline to get her shit together but I don't know if that would work?

I should say she has been lucky that her other random career stints have actually paid fairly well. This is the first one that is bringing in literally £0. And I think that's why I'm noticing it. She's very clever, has two degrees and lots of mini qualifications in many, many, many different subjects... but somehow has decided to try something virtually impossible financially.

@SisyphusDad

To put it in some context, my DSs wanted to be YouTubers when they were about 10. They've grown up since then.

Haha, so did I! It's not something to aspire to in my opinion.

Funny thing is, I was actually driven to DP because of her ambition. I'm on my second undergrad after finishing an undergrad and a masters, and I've been working since I was 16. I've done very well for myself considering my upbringing.

I was partially drawn to DP because I knew she had ambition and drive like I did. I knew she had also worked hard in the past but I didn't realise how much she had jumped around and not stuck to anything. I really wish I had figured that out earlier!

Thanks for the reassurance (and for calling me lovely) mumsnet, I really thought I was being mean about all this.

Here's the thing. You say you're "generally very happy together" apart from her not having a stable career plan and leaving you with all the legwork of keeping you both fed and housed on top of studying full time as well. How much longer do you think you'll stay very happy if the burden continues to be so unequal? Five years? Ten? At what point is the game no longer worth the candle?

One does expect people to have a bumpy career path in their early twenties while they figure stuff out, but I don't get a sense from your posts that she's any nearer to sorting herself out than when you met, and nor does she even seem to appreciate how much of the load you're taking on. She probably does think a baby will "just work out", just like her food and lodging does now - because you pay for it.

From the outside, it's hard to see how this is a path to anywhere other than future resentment, and that's a poisonous atmosphere for a child to grow up in. That's before you chuck the twin hand grenades of a newborn and increased financial strain into a relationship. You need a proper team spirit between you for surviving that, not what sounds a bit like a parent/child dynamic.

I might be reading too much into this, forgive me if so, but do you feel an underlying responsibility to look after or "fix" her in some way? Because you don't have to, you know. If you wanted to go, you don't have to wait until she's settled in a career or coping better with her ADHD or whatever, you can just go, and she will sort herself out like the adult she is.

I think there are probably a lot of people out there you could be "generally very happy together" with, but where the burdens of life are shared on a more even handed basis. If nothing is likely to change, it might be worth knocking it on the head and going to find one of those other women instead.

Don’t marry her and don’t have a baby with her. You are not compatible. Having a baby will not fix the fundamental problems in your relationship - It will exacerbate them.

Your fiancée is used to having someone to take care of her. When you are working full time and have 100% of the responsibility for a small baby you will won’t have the time or space to do this. You will be angry and exhausted when you have to do everything at home as well.

I’m sorry but your current plan is doomed to failure. Please go for some counselling alone before you even thinks about moving forward in this relationship.

I think that you should end it and focus on building your career, becoming more financially stable and having some fun in life. Then in a few years you will meet someone who is more compatible with you and will be more of an equal partner.

And if you don’t, you will be better placed to have a baby alone.

I’m sorry I know I’m being very blunt and you don’t want to hear this.

Obsessive aspiration can look a lot like drive and ambition, especially coupled with all the sparkle of a new relationship but it has to evolve with the relationship or it’s just regressive and ends up feeling almost a little infantilised. I think back to myself in my twenties and how what was once manic pixie dream girl now looks so much more disfunctional in my thirties. 😄

Hey, your DP sounds a bit like my brother, though maybe a bit better because at least she got degrees. He's been perpetually unable to stick to a job or career. Right now he's back in school to finally get a degree, it's been one semester and I'm already surprised that he's still doing it.

They do have kids with his partner, and scrape by on benefits. But I totally get why you don't want to mother your partner in addition to a baby.

For what it's worth I chose to be a single parent and have two DS. I'm generally very happy. I'm not saying you shouldn't try and work it out with your DP but just be aware that there are options.

Also, one thing that stood out to me is that your DP expects special treatment for her ADHD but doesn't seem to spare much thought to your own challenges (autism, burning out, etc). That to me is more a red flag than the hopping around career wise.

I think what you need is a painfully honest talk and a clear deadline.

Btw, it's completely unsurprising that you're more money-aware than she is. She never had to think or worry about those things so of course they don't seem to matter as much to her. You had to think about it everyday and had to go without so of course you realize how big a deal it is.

I'm sure she is a nice, fun person to be around. But finances is really something you need to be on the same page.

@InstantUserNameJustAddWater

Here's the thing. You say you're "generally very happy together" apart from her not having a stable career plan and leaving you with all the legwork of keeping you both fed and housed on top of studying full time as well. How much longer do you think you'll stay very happy if the burden continues to be so unequal? Five years? Ten? At what point is the game no longer worth the candle?

One does expect people to have a bumpy career path in their early twenties while they figure stuff out, but I don't get a sense from your posts that she's any nearer to sorting herself out than when you met, and nor does she even seem to appreciate how much of the load you're taking on. She probably does think a baby will "just work out", just like her food and lodging does now - because you pay for it.

From the outside, it's hard to see how this is a path to anywhere other than future resentment, and that's a poisonous atmosphere for a child to grow up in. That's before you chuck the twin hand grenades of a newborn and increased financial strain into a relationship. You need a proper team spirit between you for surviving that, not what sounds a bit like a parent/child dynamic.

I might be reading too much into this, forgive me if so, but do you feel an underlying responsibility to look after or "fix" her in some way? Because you don't have to, you know. If you wanted to go, you don't have to wait until she's settled in a career or coping better with her ADHD or whatever, you can just go, and she will sort herself out like the adult she is.

I think there are probably a lot of people out there you could be "generally very happy together" with, but where the burdens of life are shared on a more even handed basis. If nothing is likely to change, it might be worth knocking it on the head and going to find one of those other women instead.

I think at the most I'll give her 4 more months which probably isn't enough time but... thing is when she stuck with other stuff in the past she did really well financially and from the perspective of making connections, so she has stuff to fall back on easily, she just doesn't want to do them anymore. I might say ok, four more months at this youtube ridiculousness but then you need to go back to something more stable because otherwise we're over.

I agree that the pressures of a newborn + the pressures of a useless partner = not a fun time, and it's not a situation I'm willing to get stuck in.

No, I definitely don't feel the need to fix her. I'm very independent and I honestly find her being all over the place a huge turn off. I'm happy to break it off if it continues. But I do love her, and I do want to believe in her. Does that make sense?

You say in your OP that it's 'just one thing' but it's not. She has a disorder that she refuses to get medicated for, she is financially irresponsible, and she's apparently unable to commit to steady, if 'boring' work in support of her own relationship and the future baby she is excited about. She is wildly unrealistic about the youtube thing.

That seems like several things to me. And I speak as somebody who is very sympathetic to ADHD - I have just been diagnosed with ADD myself. Time enough to use it as an excuse when she has tried everything possible to manage it. She's not ready to be a parent, and tbh it sounds to me as though she's not ready to be in a LTR.

I wish you luck, and please protect yourself emotionally and financially as much as you can.

@M0RVEN

Don’t marry her and don’t have a baby with her. You are not compatible. Having a baby will not fix the fundamental problems in your relationship - It will exacerbate them.

Your fiancée is used to having someone to take care of her. When you are working full time and have 100% of the responsibility for a small baby you will won’t have the time or space to do this. You will be angry and exhausted when you have to do everything at home as well.

I’m sorry but your current plan is doomed to failure. Please go for some counselling alone before you even thinks about moving forward in this relationship.

I think that you should end it and focus on building your career, becoming more financially stable and having some fun in life. Then in a few years you will meet someone who is more compatible with you and will be more of an equal partner.

And if you don’t, you will be better placed to have a baby alone.

I’m sorry I know I’m being very blunt and you don’t want to hear this.

I like the idea of counselling, thank you. That's a really good idea actually.

I'm definitely happy to give it up and go at it alone in a few years if need be. I love her though so if she does manage to figure it out, that would also be great!

@FiftyStoriesHigh

Obsessive aspiration can look a lot like drive and ambition, especially coupled with all the sparkle of a new relationship but it has to evolve with the relationship or it’s just regressive and ends up feeling almost a little infantilised. I think back to myself in my twenties and how what was once manic pixie dream girl now looks so much more disfunctional in my thirties. 😄

Haha this is actually a really good point, I didn't think about it like this!

What’s she like when circumstances are stressful OP? Is she more likely to regress into obsessive hobbies? I’m just wondering if the identity displacement inevitable in becoming a parent might actually exacerbate her issues.

Forgot to say, my brother is almost 40 years old. I am 90% sure he won't graduate. I hope he does, his partner is lovely and deserves more and so do their kids. But I'm holding my breath.

Most people don't change unfortunately. You'd think they'd mature with age. Some do, but my brother sure didn't. My other brother is even worse. So if your partner doesn't stick to whatever deadline you agree to, consider that she might be like my brother and never change, and consider whether you can live with that or not.

@Marty13

Hey, your DP sounds a bit like my brother, though maybe a bit better because at least she got degrees. He's been perpetually unable to stick to a job or career. Right now he's back in school to finally get a degree, it's been one semester and I'm already surprised that he's still doing it.

They do have kids with his partner, and scrape by on benefits. But I totally get why you don't want to mother your partner in addition to a baby.

For what it's worth I chose to be a single parent and have two DS. I'm generally very happy. I'm not saying you shouldn't try and work it out with your DP but just be aware that there are options.

Also, one thing that stood out to me is that your DP expects special treatment for her ADHD but doesn't seem to spare much thought to your own challenges (autism, burning out, etc). That to me is more a red flag than the hopping around career wise.

I think what you need is a painfully honest talk and a clear deadline.

Btw, it's completely unsurprising that you're more money-aware than she is. She never had to think or worry about those things so of course they don't seem to matter as much to her. You had to think about it everyday and had to go without so of course you realize how big a deal it is.

I'm sure she is a nice, fun person to be around. But finances is really something you need to be on the same page.

Thank you, yes I completely agree. Money is one of the most argued about things in relationships and I completely agree that it won't work if we don't get on the same page. I'm not willing to be less money aware so she'll have to catch up, quite frankly.

Yeah I worry about the prioritisation of one person's wellbeing over the other. It doesn't feel good.

@WanderleyWagon

You say in your OP that it's 'just one thing' but it's not. She has a disorder that she refuses to get medicated for, she is financially irresponsible, and she's apparently unable to commit to steady, if 'boring' work in support of her own relationship and the future baby she is excited about. She is wildly unrealistic about the youtube thing.

That seems like several things to me. And I speak as somebody who is very sympathetic to ADHD - I have just been diagnosed with ADD myself. Time enough to use it as an excuse when she has tried everything possible to manage it. She's not ready to be a parent, and tbh it sounds to me as though she's not ready to be in a LTR.

I wish you luck, and please protect yourself emotionally and financially as much as you can.

Thank you I hope ADHD has been kinder to you.

She definitely has to get on medication yes, and grow up a bit, and let go of the youtube dream. I feel like a dick for telling her that though.

@FiftyStoriesHigh

What’s she like when circumstances are stressful OP? Is she more likely to regress into obsessive hobbies? I’m just wondering if the identity displacement inevitable in becoming a parent might actually exacerbate her issues.

When it's stressful she just... stops. Goes very quiet (she's quiet in general but basically just stops talking), doesn't work on anything, etc. I've been worrying about the impact of what being a parent might be like for her too.

@Marty13

Forgot to say, my brother is almost 40 years old. I am 90% sure he won't graduate. I hope he does, his partner is lovely and deserves more and so do their kids. But I'm holding my breath.

Most people don't change unfortunately. You'd think they'd mature with age. Some do, but my brother sure didn't. My other brother is even worse. So if your partner doesn't stick to whatever deadline you agree to, consider that she might be like my brother and never change, and consider whether you can live with that or not.

I'm sorry to hear that, about your brother.

Yeah if she doesn't stick to it then I'm leaving. I deserve better, ultimately.

Honestly I don't think that you should be planning a child with someone who is not willing to make themselves financially secure, but that isn't my decision it's yours.

At the very least you should plan around maternity pay requirements, in order to be eligible for Statuatory pay for Maternity/Paternity/Shared parental leave you need to have been continuously employed by your employerr_ for at least 26 weeks up to any day in the ‘qualifying week’(15th week before baby is due). So this would be the bare minimum level of commitment I would ask from your partner. That they find and keep a job long enough to be eligible for statutory pay before you embark on IVF.

ADHD may well make it more difficult for your DW to find fulfilment in a job, but what is she doing to address that? Are there coping mechanisms/therapies she could be engaging in, is the medication or treatment that would help, could she get a job 30 hrs a week over 4 days allowing her 3 days to indulge in other activities, or 30 hrs spread over 6 days so work shifts are shorter and easier for her to manage.

A partnership requires compromise on both parts, it sounds from what you have said like you compromise and sacrifice to indulge her, is there any return from her at all?

Oh wow almost like overwhelm? I obviously don’t know the ins and outs but honestly, the amount of multi-faceted decision making you’ll be hit with as soon as you start IVF is huge. She’s obviously bright and intense but parenting looks nothing like doing things thoroughly or to extremes. There’s no real singular channel of attention and the motivation for all of it needs to be entirely intrinsic (I’m sensing from her newfound ambition that external validation is important in moving her forward.)

My ex was convinced he was going to be a racing driver, yet he was in his mid 20s, overweight and hadn't stepped foot on a racing track outside of the virtual world. (I mention overweight as you have to be tiny to be a F1 driver)

He became completely unhappy with his real well paying job as "racing" was all he wanted to do and ended up spending £££ on go karting sessions and kitting out a gaming room for virtual racing. The man even set up a virtual racing team.

I had to leave him in the end as it became all consuming and he wanted to pause our whole life for a dream that was NEVER going to happen and I was the bad person for trying to tell him that.

It's been 5 years and he's much the same now and with his current girlfriend still virtually racing for no money.

My advice? Leave.

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

Honestly I don't think that you should be planning a child with someone who is not willing to make themselves financially secure, but that isn't my decision it's yours.

At the very least you should plan around maternity pay requirements, in order to be eligible for Statuatory pay for Maternity/Paternity/Shared parental leave you need to have been continuously employed by your employerr_ for at least 26 weeks up to any day in the ‘qualifying week’(15th week before baby is due). So this would be the bare minimum level of commitment I would ask from your partner. That they find and keep a job long enough to be eligible for statutory pay before you embark on IVF.

ADHD may well make it more difficult for your DW to find fulfilment in a job, but what is she doing to address that? Are there coping mechanisms/therapies she could be engaging in, is the medication or treatment that would help, could she get a job 30 hrs a week over 4 days allowing her 3 days to indulge in other activities, or 30 hrs spread over 6 days so work shifts are shorter and easier for her to manage.

A partnership requires compromise on both parts, it sounds from what you have said like you compromise and sacrifice to indulge her, is there any return from her at all?

I agree, thank you.

It will be me taking the mat leave as I'll be carrying our child, should we continue. So I qualify for maternity allowance, as I'm self employed. The rest is on us to cover.

I like the idea of small shifts over 6 days and I think DP would too, so I'm going to suggest that, thank you. Ultimately though she needs to be medicated.

There is some return. She is very kind. She is a fantastic cook and wonderful with our dogs, and does much of the dog care. She is meant to do most of the housework as I don't have time due to my long hours - the house isn't spick and span, but she means well. She is very inventive with free dates, and she calls me beautiful multiple times a day. I realise I have described her as someone who just doesn't care, but she does have many wonderful points too.

@Whiskersonkittens21

My ex was convinced he was going to be a racing driver, yet he was in his mid 20s, overweight and hadn't stepped foot on a racing track outside of the virtual world. (I mention overweight as you have to be tiny to be a F1 driver)

He became completely unhappy with his real well paying job as "racing" was all he wanted to do and ended up spending £££ on go karting sessions and kitting out a gaming room for virtual racing. The man even set up a virtual racing team.

I had to leave him in the end as it became all consuming and he wanted to pause our whole life for a dream that was NEVER going to happen and I was the bad person for trying to tell him that.

It's been 5 years and he's much the same now and with his current girlfriend still virtually racing for no money.

My advice? Leave.

Oh god that sounds awful! I'm so glad you got away!

@FiftyStoriesHigh

Oh wow almost like overwhelm? I obviously don’t know the ins and outs but honestly, the amount of multi-faceted decision making you’ll be hit with as soon as you start IVF is huge. She’s obviously bright and intense but parenting looks nothing like doing things thoroughly or to extremes. There’s no real singular channel of attention and the motivation for all of it needs to be entirely intrinsic (I’m sensing from her newfound ambition that external validation is important in moving her forward.)

Yes she gets very overwhelmed quite easily. Not a good quality if you want to be a parent - kids are great (I work with them) but VERY stressful! So I completely agree.

Hmm actually external validation generally isn't important to her but interesting that you say that. Most of her career choices have been interacting with people as little as possible. As for youtube, her channel is all about learning new skills or teaching people ones she has. She says she likes doing that because she can share her love for learning with the world without having to actually talk to anyone directly! If she wasn't a huge introvert she'd be a great teacher or outdoor instructor.