DP's career dreams

[Lampface]

I am going slightly around the bend and I don't know what to do.

DP and I are in our mid twenties. We live together and are engaged. We are generally very happy together apart from this one thing and I don't know how to approach it.

DP is very clever but she also doesn't know what she wants to do with her life and hops from career to career, giving up after very little time. She has lots of skills but gets bored quickly (she has ADHD which contributes to this). Right now she has decided that she wants to be a youtuber which is all fine and dandy except few YouTubers actually make money... and I'm left with handling it all.

I study full time, and I work full time. I've done quite well for myself given my age but I'm working 55-60hrs a week including studying just to keep us afloat, whilst DP fucks about on YouTube and complains about being tired.

I'm so exhausted by it all, I'm burning out, and I'm not doing well in my classes. I just want DP to find something she loves that actually has earning potential, and bloody well stick with it.

We are getting married and doing IVF next year (lesbian couple). I don't have the heart to tell her that I think this is completely unfiesable when I am the one going on mat leave as a self-employed person, and she has no income.

Help. Do I get realistic with her or keep letting her do her own thing?

Your DP is doing all the "nice" bits of the relationship - saying nice things, looking after the dogs, cooking.

You're ready being left with grunge work.

TBH I would be asking to live separately for a few years whilst she is solely responsible for herself.

I wouldn’t marry or have a baby with this person-they sound like a total drain.

@stormstormgoaway

OP I don't think you're too young, but the YouTube thing gives me the heebie jeebies. Does she want to make videos about a particular topic, or just chat about her life maybe through an ADHD lens? How would you feel about your relationship being discussed on her channel? And (deal-breaker for me), your child. Would she want to feature your family life? Don't do that to your child.

Sorry not RTFT. Hope she loses interest in YouTube and finds a suitable line of work. Best of luck.

Kind of a mix - she has a real love for learning so the channel is based around learning interesting things like physics, outdoor sports, fitness, things like that. But through an ADHD lens - so helping other people with ADHD to try new things.

We had a chat before she began youtube and both came to the conclusion that family youtubers are exploitative. Even without youtube we decided we wouldn't be posting photos of our children on FB and Instagram etc so that's a non issue thankfully.

Lots of good advice on this thread OP though I know it's not that straightforward when you're in love.

I am in a same sex marriage and we have a child conceived through IVF when we were 33 and 41. I'm the older one and I carried the baby (using DW's egg). At 26 and 28 you do have time. Also, IVF is REALLY expensive and it sounds like your savings would be paying for it. It took us 3 goes and we didn't even have any fertility issues between us.

I'd also say that, no matter how good the relationship, having a baby is like setting off a bomb in the relationship. Any issues/resentments you could tolerate before suddenly become magnified and a situation where you're making all the sacrifices while DP behaves like a teenager would not make for a good start to family life.

@RandomMess

Your DP is doing all the "nice" bits of the relationship - saying nice things, looking after the dogs, cooking.

You're ready being left with grunge work.

TBH I would be asking to live separately for a few years whilst she is solely responsible for herself.

Tbf we have two rescue dogs and they're a lot of work. She also does all the housework at the moment (albeit badly). She also, at the moment, takes charge of all household admin such as phonecalls, healthcare admin (which there can be a lot of!), food shop, vet appointments, car repairs, checking the postbox (5 min walk from our house), etc etc. Usually these things would be split 50/50 but not at the moment as she's not earning.

If she genuinely cared about you she'd not see you working 50/60 hours a week and study on top of that! She'd get a job, 37 hours a week and do her you tubing when she's not working or on weekends. Anyone who leaves one job to do something that doesn't bring in any money isn't clever at all! She's taking the piss op and using you.

@1Wanda1

Lots of good advice on this thread OP though I know it's not that straightforward when you're in love.

I am in a same sex marriage and we have a child conceived through IVF when we were 33 and 41. I'm the older one and I carried the baby (using DW's egg). At 26 and 28 you do have time. Also, IVF is REALLY expensive and it sounds like your savings would be paying for it. It took us 3 goes and we didn't even have any fertility issues between us.

I'd also say that, no matter how good the relationship, having a baby is like setting off a bomb in the relationship. Any issues/resentments you could tolerate before suddenly become magnified and a situation where you're making all the sacrifices while DP behaves like a teenager would not make for a good start to family life.

Thanks for this, reassuring that it worked for you. To clarify she has been earning well at the past (whilst dotting about doing random jobs), so the IVF money is saved by both of us. I think we have about £10k in the IVF pot including freezing known donor sperm?

I agree - I've watched that happen in the families I've nannied for. That's why I'm so keen to get this sorted now rather than letting it play out.

I should hope she is doing lots of you are doing 50-60 hours per week!!

Ironically I wonder if she can't see that many people with ADD/ADHD do not have an issue with learning new things that they want to learn. Their biggest issue is learning things they don't want to and getting bored and moving on.

@RandomMess

I should hope she is doing lots of you are doing 50-60 hours per week!!

Ironically I wonder if she can't see that many people with ADD/ADHD do not have an issue with learning new things that they want to learn. Their biggest issue is learning things they don't want to and getting bored and moving on.

Not really, the ‘thing’ also has to have variety, and a feedback loop that’s short enough. There’s also rejection sensitivity where it’s easy to get demoralised (I know that this is also a trait among the ‘normal’ population but ADHD-érs take it too personally).

Having said that..once we start stuff it’s easy to finish. My biggest issue is starting.

@sanbeiji yep, ADHD'rs need things that give quick results or feeling of results. I think that's why DP is so into fitness and science, because of the dopamine surge. And why DP gives up on things after a while, because it becomes regular and the dopamine stops!

@Lampface

£10k wont go as far as you think.
It will get you 1 round of ivf mayyyybe 2 at a push

Clinics that quote 3k don't cost that. The costs all in are about are £7k and then you have semen storage, embryo storage costs etc on top.
My friends who have done ivf have spent between £8k and £35k

TL:DR even if you have some savings, your DP needs to get a job and pull her weight. Life is expensive.

[quote Totalwasteofpaper]@Lampface

£10k wont go as far as you think.
It will get you 1 round of ivf mayyyybe 2 at a push

Clinics that quote 3k don't cost that. The costs all in are about are £7k and then you have semen storage, embryo storage costs etc on top.
My friends who have done ivf have spent between £8k and £35k

TL:DR even if you have some savings, your DP needs to get a job and pull her weight. Life is expensive.[/quote]
Yeah we were saving up to use the fertility unlimited scheme, which is when you pay £18k ish for unlimited cycles. But obviously still a way to go savings wise - would have been more than doable if DP didn't mess with the plan! Gah.

Hi there! I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

Your post brought back so many memories, I'm 40 single and having ivf and I do have ivf. Like you said, in my 20s I was getting bored easily, especially for careers and studies, but I did have someone to push me so I finished all my studies. Tbh, it wasn't so much getting bored, it was mostly the need to get results ASAP, which realistically cannot happen.

You need to express your feelings to her, this will help her realise what needs to be done, maybe you can make a plan together? Ex. steps that need to be completed in order to start ivf etc.

Counselling is going to help both of you and ADHD support is definitely going to help your partner. Good luck x

I haven't managed to read the whole thread, but can I remind everyone that ADHD is a disability?

The way some posters are talking about the partner (and the op is talking too) is fucking disrespectful and completely without understanding about ADHD and it's impact on work/life.

I've very recently been diagnosed myself and although I've done ok/well in life, I can now see how my disability has preventing me from reaching my full potential.
I am lucky as I'm bright and I have arranged my life (I was never sure why I worked the way I did - I always thought I was just a non-conformist) so I work several part time jobs and lots of time alone to decompress.
I have had a child and they are often asleep or at school after 4 years so I had downtime.

Meds can work for some, but not all and sometimes the side effects are horrific - my ADHD friend who is medicated (I'm not) says it's like the NHS legalised speed - she smokes dope as well to mange the side-effects.

I'm perfectly happy to muddle along in my wonderful world than be doped up.
My ex-h supported me financially when we had children, it's not terribly unusual.

@linchinton

I haven't managed to read the whole thread, but can I remind everyone that ADHD is a disability?

The way some posters are talking about the partner (and the op is talking too) is fucking disrespectful and completely without understanding about ADHD and it's impact on work/life.

I've very recently been diagnosed myself and although I've done ok/well in life, I can now see how my disability has preventing me from reaching my full potential.
I am lucky as I'm bright and I have arranged my life (I was never sure why I worked the way I did - I always thought I was just a non-conformist) so I work several part time jobs and lots of time alone to decompress.
I have had a child and they are often asleep or at school after 4 years so I had downtime.

Meds can work for some, but not all and sometimes the side effects are horrific - my ADHD friend who is medicated (I'm not) says it's like the NHS legalised speed - she smokes dope as well to mange the side-effects.

I'm perfectly happy to muddle along in my wonderful world than be doped up.
My ex-h supported me financially when we had children, it's not terribly unusual.

With all due respect I'm also neurodivergent (I'm autistic) and I understand ADHD very well throughout both my career and from being with my fiancee for a long time.

I understand the quirks, the inability to stick to one thing, that's not my problem here. I'm happy for her to experiment to her heart's desire as long as it doesn't take a toll on my mental health, wellbeing, and finances. I'm fine for finances to be split with me paying a little more.

My problem is the total selfishness shown by my partner in this specific situation. We don't have children yet and if we did she wouldn't have time to do all the childcare with her new career plan so that's a moot point. Her contributing literally £0 to the pot whilst I'm exhausted, is crap. And it's not excusable.

I'll tell you what's not bloody fair: my partner expecting her autistic partner to work and study full time with little rest, to satisfy her, quite frankly, fantasy career that is usually a dream for ten year olds.

Lampface I have ADD and I hate working I get bored after 18-24 months but I'm a responsible adult and just have to crack on earning the money and pull my weight in my marriage!!!

The penny only dropped for me when my youngest was diagnosed recently, my eldest diagnosed with ASD as an adult (I have many traits too).

Honestly if she hasn't got a grip at 28 I do wonder if she ever can.

@linchinton

I haven't managed to read the whole thread, but can I remind everyone that ADHD is a disability?

The way some posters are talking about the partner (and the op is talking too) is fucking disrespectful and completely without understanding about ADHD and it's impact on work/life.

I've very recently been diagnosed myself and although I've done ok/well in life, I can now see how my disability has preventing me from reaching my full potential.
I am lucky as I'm bright and I have arranged my life (I was never sure why I worked the way I did - I always thought I was just a non-conformist) so I work several part time jobs and lots of time alone to decompress.
I have had a child and they are often asleep or at school after 4 years so I had downtime.

Meds can work for some, but not all and sometimes the side effects are horrific - my ADHD friend who is medicated (I'm not) says it's like the NHS legalised speed - she smokes dope as well to mange the side-effects.

I'm perfectly happy to muddle along in my wonderful world than be doped up.
My ex-h supported me financially when we had children, it's not terribly unusual.

No.

You don't get a free pass to be supported by someone else if you're capable of working. The girlfriend had a job so she can work but right now she's choosing not to.

I know it's harder if you're ND. But you absolutely cannot expect other people to support you while you fanny about pursuing things that most kids realise are fantasies when they're 10.

The OP wants to start a family. This is not a good starting point.

Sorry OP but if I was going to predict the future I'd say she'll play ball for a while you'll get pregnant and then once baby is here it'll all be too much and she'll have to go part-time or worse give up her job completely. You'll end up resentful and she'll be the SAHP - except that like the housework will be done badly so when you get in from work you'll be skivvying around sorting things out for the next day. Give it longer than 4 months before making any decisions.

Hello, just wanted to update this thread to say that DP has gotten a grip, found full time work, and started today. She's back at her previous earning potential and honestly she seems a lot happier - maybe because I'm not openly stressed so there are less bad emotions in the house, but either way this is the right move. Thanks to all who helped me with being a bit more assertive, hopefully this is the last of it!

OP

Please beware …this could be a short lived change

OP she needs to be in the same job at the end of December 2022.

@Bonheurdupasse it could be, yep. Hoping not though.

@RedWingBoots that's a good timeframe to go by, thank you.

You just don't sound compatible. I'm not surprised her behaviour is driving you mad - it would me too.

Also, how long have you been together? What's the hurry to have a baby?

I'd sort out all the problems in your relationship first.