Page 4 | DP's career dreams

Original poster

Lampface · 21/02/2022 09:27

@Lucyccfc68

I have 2 neighbours who are You Tubers. Took both of them years of content and building up a following. They both had full time jobs whilst they were doing it. Only recently have they been able to give up their other jobs.

She is massively in-realistic and ADHD or not, needs to grow up.

Your idea of a deadline is good, but will she even take any notice?

I’d cut my losses if I were you.

I mean she would have to take notice because if she didn't re-focus after the deadline, I'd be leaving. I wouldn't stay to mess about after that. It would just show that she has no respect for me.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/02/2022 09:40

Why a deadline; do not kick the can down the road. She already has no respect for you as a person; you're basically her support human whom she has not really taken much notice of to date.

I would concur that you are enabling her here; enabling helps no-one, least of all her and it gives you a false sense of control. I would also cut your losses now. Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs; a bad investment is not going to come good here.

LeifSan · 21/02/2022 09:44

I’m sure others have said this, but it’s so so hard to build up a hobby career while working AND parenting. Especially during the incredibly labour intensive first few years of parenting. You’re so tired and life has changed so much it’s honestly all many people can do to stick to their work, keep the relationship going and care for their child.

You have a good idea of it since you were a nanny, do you think she’s got even a vague idea of how repetitive and routine-like it is having a baby? Especially with exhaustion from sleepless nights thrown into the mix? What happens if she decides that the grind of parenting isn’t for her? Will you end up a single parent with someone who can’t stick to a job and can’t commit to regular and consistent co-parenting? I know you say you’re not going to go ahead unless you see improvements and that’s very responsible of you (you sound fab btw!!), but surely those questions come into play as well when considering a long-term future with her.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 21/02/2022 09:52

@FebruaryRainandSleet

‘I feel you’ll be the one responsible for all child related duties including the adulting paperwork. The nursery/school duties/years…’

And meanwhile, she will physically be the SAHM? So if you tire of carrying everyone and everything, and you separate, she will be seen as the child’s main carer.

This could go very wrong for all of you.

Good point about splitting up post DC and the court considering her the child's main carer whether she actually is or not. I've seen posts on here where the man is like your DP, though maybe not as nice and they end up with majority time with the child and still not working post split.

Right now your DP isn't someone you should be considering having children with. Having children can bring a lot of stress, financial pressure, exhaustion, less time for each other. In love and living together pre marriage and DC, honestly, big life stressors aside, it should be easy at this stage. Our relationship just worked pre DC. I had zero concerns about our relationship when we were planning a family. I was sure we would grow old together, we agreed, still do, on so much and it still didn't work.

A poster spoke of her doctor telling her that feeling that really strong need to have a chuld wouldn't necessarily go after having one, this has been my personal experience. Mine came back very soon after each of our children were born. I'm now over 40 with 3 DC and a broken marriage and still get pangs. I'm not having any more, I'm not crazy, I've known that for 5 years, but it's only the last 6 months I've felt that desperate want start to loosen it's hold.

LittleOwl153 · 21/02/2022 11:09

What's your housing situation? Do you have an expiring lease? Would that be a deadline or as you say April when costs go up again? For her to have an income comparable to yours/what she was capable of before?

Marriage will see a sharing of finances (including then LISAs etc) - especially if she classes as disabled and even more so if she claims to be the main parent (full time at home or otherwise) and you are pulling in the majority of the household money. So you need to be sure she has a career she's going to stick at otherwise you will be supporting her for life.

Tbh I can't see this working for you - you are on a completely different page currently blinded perhaps buy the sweet nothings.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2022 11:16

Sorry, op, but this relationship is doomed. The two of you aren't even remotely on the same wavelength. Marriage and having a child would be a huge mistake, and at your age, you have years and years left to have children. She may be lovely in many ways, but that isn't enough to make a marriage last.

sanbeiji · 21/02/2022 11:19

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons
Very valuable insight!
Also plenty of people regret becoming parents.
It’s not the urge for a ‘baby’ IMO abut the idea of what having a baby is like.
People who have normal, trouble free children, can spend time playing with them and be loved etc etc.

Even with everything in place it could all go wrong. More so with NOTHING in place.

sanbeiji · 21/02/2022 11:19

Also why the rush to marry and reproduce? You’re only mid-twenties.

minipie · 21/02/2022 11:23

Believe me, if you feel resentful about her approach to life now, you will feel 6000% more resentful once you have a baby.

She is not going to change. She doesn’t show any signs of wanting to change.

Find someone else while you are young and don’t have DC yet.

Original poster

Lampface · 21/02/2022 11:32

Thanks for the advice and input everyone. There have been some really good thoughts here.

DP and I have had a chat now. We've made a plan of action and we're both happy with it. It gives us scope to be back at earning the same and splitting bills 50/50 again by this summer, which I feel is my cutoff in terms of how long I can do this for. I've made it clear that I support her dreams but I can't carry all the financial weight especially with the economy as it is. She's also agreed to try out ADHD medication, which should hopefully help.

I understand I probably haven't portrayed her well here - no one comes to mumsnet to post the nice things about their partners! But she really does care, and does want to change. She's just as frustrated as I am with the way her brain works in terms of not being able to stick with any career path.

We've not made any bigger decisions as of yet such as not getting married or having children within the timeline we have set originally. If she doesn't manage to get it together by this summer, then the bigger conversations will be happening. I made it clear today that if it doesn't change then I'll be leaving.

As for our ages - we're not that young, we're 26 and 28. If we stick to the same timeline (if she sorts herself out!), we'll be 28 and 30 when I give birth. I believe that's the average age to have children in the UK currently? Adding to this, I have PCOS, so I'm not going to wait until I'm 35 to start reproducing. I'm too scared my reproductive system will let me down.

OP posts:

ugifletzet · 21/02/2022 11:39

@Lampface I'm autistic and have ADHD myself. The ADHD is pretty severe - as a child I was in a special school for a few years and I had to have a bunch of MRIs etc. before they'd diagnose me, because the short-term memory problems made them worry I might have some degenerative illness. So I understand what a tricky condition it can be to manage, and I still think your partner is being unreasonable in her expectations and approach.

While it's true that it can be difficult for people with ADHD to remain focused on one thing, there are careers that can accommodate that. I work in the emergency department of a large hospital. There's enough routine involved to keep any autism-related anxiety at bay (we have a protocol to follow for pretty much every situation) but there's enough variety to keep my ADHD brain happy. It's always so busy with lots of different things to be getting on with. There are careers that will be suited to your partner, ones that actually bring in a steady income. It might be worth her having some counselling or careers coaching to help her establish what she wants in life.

I'd be very cautious about having a baby if she's struggling to commit to anything. It's not as if it's a doll that can just be stashed away when she's had enough. I'd want to know my partner could persevere and be patient before I decided to parent with them.

Insisting on becoming a parent with you while refusing to take medication is selfish (unless she has a good reason, like medical contraindications). Of course she's free to make her own decisions around her medical care. What she's not free to do is to make you carry the consequences of those decisions, which is what seems to be happening.

Original poster

Lampface · 21/02/2022 11:43

[quote ugifletzet]@Lampface I'm autistic and have ADHD myself. The ADHD is pretty severe - as a child I was in a special school for a few years and I had to have a bunch of MRIs etc. before they'd diagnose me, because the short-term memory problems made them worry I might have some degenerative illness. So I understand what a tricky condition it can be to manage, and I still think your partner is being unreasonable in her expectations and approach.

While it's true that it can be difficult for people with ADHD to remain focused on one thing, there are careers that can accommodate that. I work in the emergency department of a large hospital. There's enough routine involved to keep any autism-related anxiety at bay (we have a protocol to follow for pretty much every situation) but there's enough variety to keep my ADHD brain happy. It's always so busy with lots of different things to be getting on with. There are careers that will be suited to your partner, ones that actually bring in a steady income. It might be worth her having some counselling or careers coaching to help her establish what she wants in life.

I'd be very cautious about having a baby if she's struggling to commit to anything. It's not as if it's a doll that can just be stashed away when she's had enough. I'd want to know my partner could persevere and be patient before I decided to parent with them.

Insisting on becoming a parent with you while refusing to take medication is selfish (unless she has a good reason, like medical contraindications). Of course she's free to make her own decisions around her medical care. What she's not free to do is to make you carry the consequences of those decisions, which is what seems to be happening.[/quote]

Some really good points here. She has been successful enough in previous careers that she could easily do it all part time. They're all very different so it should be enough - not sure why she's not thought of this. I actually have a career full of variety and it's fab so I know it's possible.

Yup to the parent stuff. I'm not having a baby with someone who can't look after themselves, no thanks!

Thing is she's never been a selfish person before, she's incredibly caring, so I'm not sure what's happened!

OP posts:

Jusmeee · 21/02/2022 11:52

She's a dreamer. You can have a full time job AND do youtube, if it works out then she can quit her job.

Things like this take a lot of effort and probably more effort than she is willing to put in.

ChargingBuck · 21/02/2022 12:03

Help. Do I get realistic with her or keep letting her do her own thing?

You get realistic.
That means addressing the fact that you don't have a fiancee - you are funding a spoiled teenager.

FFS do not marry or have a child with this woman.

It sounds to me that you have enough to navigate, just studying & working to support yourself. You cannot take on any further burden & neither should you have to. You are so young! - this is a time where you need to be focused on your career & your life chances. This woman will just burn you out.

sanbeiji · 21/02/2022 12:03

@Lampface

Thanks for the advice and input everyone. There have been some really good thoughts here.

DP and I have had a chat now. We've made a plan of action and we're both happy with it. It gives us scope to be back at earning the same and splitting bills 50/50 again by this summer, which I feel is my cutoff in terms of how long I can do this for. I've made it clear that I support her dreams but I can't carry all the financial weight especially with the economy as it is. She's also agreed to try out ADHD medication, which should hopefully help.

I understand I probably haven't portrayed her well here - no one comes to mumsnet to post the nice things about their partners! But she really does care, and does want to change. She's just as frustrated as I am with the way her brain works in terms of not being able to stick with any career path.

We've not made any bigger decisions as of yet such as not getting married or having children within the timeline we have set originally. If she doesn't manage to get it together by this summer, then the bigger conversations will be happening. I made it clear today that if it doesn't change then I'll be leaving.

As for our ages - we're not that young, we're 26 and 28. If we stick to the same timeline (if she sorts herself out!), we'll be 28 and 30 when I give birth. I believe that's the average age to have children in the UK currently? Adding to this, I have PCOS, so I'm not going to wait until I'm 35 to start reproducing. I'm too scared my reproductive system will let me down.

That’s not mid-twenties OP. It’s late twenties! It’s great that there’s going to be a discussion, and you’ll be on the same page. A word of advice be firm in your decision and if it doesn’t work out, leave. I’m also unsure as to why PCOS and your age is an issue since you’re not conceiving naturally anyway, have you spoken to a fertility doctor already?

In any case hope it works out. If not you can always go it alone if you really want a baby.

I’d also reconsider marrying before kids if she doesn’t have significant assets that would be fair to divide, since neither of you are giving up your careers what’s the point? I admit I don’t know about parental rights etc for lesbian couples w.r.t maintainence.

Hope for the best plan for the worst

ChargingBuck · 21/02/2022 12:04

@Lampface

Also DP gets excited about all the future plans just as much as I do and when I voice financial concerns she just goes, 'it'll all work out', but HOW will it work out when it's like this?

What she means is "I don't need to worry about that, because Lamp will take care of it for me."

Ivyonafence · 21/02/2022 12:06

You're so young, delay the IVF.

Original poster

Lampface · 21/02/2022 12:11

@sanbeiji oh if it all pans out we'll 100% be marrying before conceiving, I wouldn't otherwise. I've read enough threads here to know how that goes!

@Ivyonafence I'm not young, with all due respect, I'm 26, will be 28 giving birth if we continue following our timeline. That's the average age if anything!

OP posts:

Vanderpump · 21/02/2022 12:12

Sorry op but I wouldn't want to Marry or have a baby with someone who was content to sit back and let me shoulder all the responsibility

HermioneWeasley · 21/02/2022 12:14

@Lampface

There are a lot of red flags in what you’ve posted. I would not advise you to marry in these circumstances as you’ve got assets and she does not. I would also not have a child with someone who doesn’t respect me.

You’ve said you have a plan and a deadline. She’s already shown you who she is. I hope I’m wrong as I sense you’re going to go ahead anyway

Bonheurdupasse · 21/02/2022 12:25

OP

Definitely don't get married to her.
At least if you don't, if you split up you'd only have yourself and baby to support.
If you're married you'd be supporting her as well.

Bonheurdupasse · 21/02/2022 12:26

(I mean including after splitting up!)

drpet49 · 21/02/2022 12:29

** If it were me I'd be thinking long and hard about staying in a relationship that will most likely never change.

You will always be the one run ragged whilst your DP is off on another non viable flight of fancy. She doesn't need to take responsibility and get proper paid job if you're always there to pick up the slack.

I certainly wouldn't have a child in this situation.**

^She will never change. You deserve better than her

sanbeiji · 21/02/2022 12:29

[quote HermioneWeasley]**@Lampface

There are a lot of red flags in what you’ve posted. I would not advise you to marry in these circumstances as you’ve got assets and she does not. I would also not have a child with someone who doesn’t respect me.

You’ve said you have a plan and a deadline. She’s already shown you who she is. I hope I’m wrong as I sense you’re going to go ahead anyway[/quote]
OP hasn’t said the partner has no assets.
@Lampface all of the ‘get married’ threads on here are to do with the woman who gives birth/gives up work being in a vulnerable position.

However :
If your partner has no assets, and to your house is already joint there’s little point in marrying. Until you give birth and decide that one of you will stay home if necessary.

A lot of women with DPnnotnoulling their weight are stuck with this

stormstormgoaway · 21/02/2022 12:34

OP I don't think you're too young, but the YouTube thing gives me the heebie jeebies. Does she want to make videos about a particular topic, or just chat about her life maybe through an ADHD lens? How would you feel about your relationship being discussed on her channel? And (deal-breaker for me), your child. Would she want to feature your family life? Don't do that to your child.

Sorry not RTFT. Hope she loses interest in YouTube and finds a suitable line of work. Best of luck.