DP's career dreams

[Lampface]

I am going slightly around the bend and I don't know what to do.

DP and I are in our mid twenties. We live together and are engaged. We are generally very happy together apart from this one thing and I don't know how to approach it.

DP is very clever but she also doesn't know what she wants to do with her life and hops from career to career, giving up after very little time. She has lots of skills but gets bored quickly (she has ADHD which contributes to this). Right now she has decided that she wants to be a youtuber which is all fine and dandy except few YouTubers actually make money... and I'm left with handling it all.

I study full time, and I work full time. I've done quite well for myself given my age but I'm working 55-60hrs a week including studying just to keep us afloat, whilst DP fucks about on YouTube and complains about being tired.

I'm so exhausted by it all, I'm burning out, and I'm not doing well in my classes. I just want DP to find something she loves that actually has earning potential, and bloody well stick with it.

We are getting married and doing IVF next year (lesbian couple). I don't have the heart to tell her that I think this is completely unfiesable when I am the one going on mat leave as a self-employed person, and she has no income.

Help. Do I get realistic with her or keep letting her do her own thing?

If she is already staying that she is not cut out to work full time, is she planning to become a SAHP or have a small part time job to take on the bulk of the childcare disruption?
Would that work for you, or not?

Ah ok. Sounds like a lovely thing to do as a hobby. Will she agree to doing it alongside part time work until she’s established whether it’s actually financially viable? My job is actually something that most would have as a hobby but I worked part time alongside it until I was sure it was becoming profitable.

@BestZebbie

If she is already staying that she is not cut out to work full time, is she planning to become a SAHP or have a small part time job to take on the bulk of the childcare disruption? Would that work for you, or not?

She says she would do that yes. It would work for me although I kind of wanted time to do that too, so I'd be quite sad if that ended up happening.

@FiftyStoriesHigh

Ah ok. Sounds like a lovely thing to do as a hobby. Will she agree to doing it alongside part time work until she’s established whether it’s actually financially viable? My job is actually something that most would have as a hobby but I worked part time alongside it until I was sure it was becoming profitable.

My job is a 'hobby' job too, worked my arse off whilst also being a nanny full time until my now job was enough to sustain me, so I know exactly what you mean.

She said that she would get too stressed juggling youtube and a wee part time job. I think I might have to ask her to go on ADHD medication and try and manage it though. We all have to do things we don't want to, to meet our goals.

I would delay the IVF a while longer. It sounds like you two, although you love each other, may not be long term compatible and she needs to learn to "adult" before becoming a parent. A lot of parenting is really boring and unrewarding (basically an admin job) and you just have to do it regardless. Also, if she doesn't want to interact with people how will she be a SAHP and socialise your child? I am a little introverted and I found transitioning to parenthood and having to interact with someone (albeit my own child) all day every day really mentally exhausting.

My uncle once told me never have someone as your life partner who you wouldn't have as your business partner. At the time I thought he was hideously unromantic but the older I get the more I think he was probably right. Different attitudes to money and work are big issues in LT relationships and they only get bigger.

Oh @Lampface you sound lovely and I want to squish you.

I get that your partner calls you beautiful. And is a good cook. And is nice to the dogs. And tries to do the housekeeping.

These are all admiral human qualities that the majority of potential partners would have. They are some of the core basics I’d expect from a human.

Even if she dumps YouTube dream - do you really think you can trust her not to flake again in the future. Do you really think she’ll be a committed partner when a baby’s involved?

I feel you’ll be the one responsible for all child related duties including the adulting paperwork. The nursery/school duties/years…

She’ll swoop in occasionally and be a Disney fun parent when you e had a word with her until it tails off again.

My rule for my partner and children - and me - follow your dreams by all means but do whatever it takes in the meantime to bring money in.

I work with YouTubers with a huge following (Lara Joanna Jarvis for one) and it’s not enough on its own for an income.

Check out Jessica Stansfield as well. Jess also has to heavily substitute her YouTube income with courses, projects, products etc and it took her years to build up. YouTube’s advertising effectiveness majorly changed last year and lots of folks saw massive drop in advertising income.

It’s not feasible and she needs to have something else in the meantime and have YouTube as a side hustle that she works in and builds.

Our video conception, planning, filming and editing etc shouldn’t take more than a day if done all on one day. It’s less than 8 hours work.

Your partner sounds like an ex of mine. He also gad adhd and was always quitting jobs/ being fired.

In the end I couldn't be arsed with him and left. Pursued my own career, met my current DP and very happy.

He went on to get married to someone else. They're now divorced (marriage lasted 3 years). She left him for the same reason that I did. Couldn't settle to one job, chopping and changing, no money ever due to gaps etc.

Moral of the story is that he didn't change...

Is this the sort of parent you want for your future kids?

You need to have plans
Or your dreams will remain dreams
And never be goals

I think that she expects you to take up where her mother or parents left off. The reality is that she is an adult and needs to be earning a regular wage. Some people can do well on you tube but she is showing no sign of this. Since she met you she gone from job to job.

Just because your engaged does not mean that you have to support her and it's very unfair to expect you to do this. I would not have IVF either with her because it not fair on you or a child.
I think she is showing you her true self now and your at the stage that you had enough.
You all ready working full time and going to college. Your not doing well in college and your tired of carrying a lazy adult.
At this stage I tell her to get a job because your no longer willing to support her. Unless she gets a job and stays in it I would end things with her. I think if you stay with her long term she will bring you down. Also if you want to have a child you don't want them growing up in poverty like you did.

Your partner talks a good talk and any decisions you based on her talk, would be poor ones. You need to accept the person she is and not the person you desperately want her to be. By carrying the financial responsibility you are enabling her choices. Parenting an adult never ends well.

If you want a child but not the constant worry and responsibility of making ends meet, then your partner is not the person you should be having a child with.

When it's stressful she just... stops. Goes very quiet (she's quiet in general but basically just stops talking), doesn't work on anything,

How will he be able to cope with the simultaneous relentlessness and monotony of parenting ?

Think v carefully before marrying this person. #leopards #spots
Relationships get harder - not easier. And this issue will drive a wedge between you over time.

I just want DP to find something she loves that actually has earning potential, and bloody well stick with it.

I don’t know that many people who actually get to have well-paid jobs which they love. My job is stable and well paid and on the whole I enjoy it, but I wouldn’t say I love it. It’s not particularly exciting, definitely not glamorous and other people generally find it boring. Is it realistic for her to hang on to have the career of her dreams rather than just finding something that would be acceptable and building on it?

For the love of god don’t bring a baby into the current situation.

‘I feel you’ll be the one responsible for all child related duties including the adulting paperwork. The nursery/school duties/years…’

And meanwhile, she will physically be the SAHM? So if you tire of carrying everyone and everything, and you separate, she will be seen as the child’s main carer.

This could go very wrong for all of you.

Run for the hills.

To be blunt, neither of you seem mature enough for a LTR, let alone motherhood. You’ve clearly got your head screwed on wrt finance and a stable job, but if I were you I would split sooner rather than later, work on what you want from a LTR, boundaries, and what a healthy dynamic looks like before diving into another relationship.

I just wanted to say that I found my mid twenties to be a time when I was incredibly broody and thought I'd go crazy if I didn't have a child. What helped me was hearing a counsellor say that if you are like that, as soon as you have one child you'll be equally broody for another. Whether that's true or not it really helped me and I went on to have children in my 30s. That was much better for me. You are very very young!

We are getting married and doing IVF next year

Park both of these for now and don't put down any deposits.

If you want to go the distance you need to accept her for who she is whilst challenging her/ supporting her to be the best version of herself. She also needs to try.
Then decide if you can live with that.

Right now she isn't actually trying. She's doing what she wants while you facilitate around her.

So you carrying the load whilst she floats about and then becomes a SAHM and you picking up the inevitable slack when she is bored and crap at that is a recipe for disaster and not a future I would want.

Youtubing is a hobby not a job.
She needs a job* (you should help her identify areas that can work for her)
She needs to get medicated.

I work in tech.
Half my company have autism and or adhd (I probably have adhd tbh) they HD down long term jobs and make decent livings.

*this is a "minimum standard of behaviour" in our house. Ie basic responsibility.
We both know we need to be contributing a level of x each month. We do not quit jobs with no where to go (without agreement) because we "don't like it" or "our manager is a dick". We do not make unilateral decisions. We do what is best for the unit, not what we fancy.

Right now- you DP is doing what she fancies- not what is best for the unit.

@Lampface

Also DP gets excited about all the future plans just as much as I do and when I voice financial concerns she just goes, 'it'll all work out', but HOW will it work out when it's like this?

When she says it will all work out she means it will all work out for HER because you’ll be doing all the work.

Please don't marry or have children with this woman.

Reread your first post. You say you are 'generally very happy together' but then go onto say: ' I study full time, and I work full time. I've done quite well for myself given my age but I'm working 55-60hrs a week including studying just to keep us afloat, whilst DP fucks about on YouTube and complains about being tired.

I'm so exhausted by it all, I'm burning out, and I'm not doing well in my classes'

You are not very happy. You're miserable, working all the hours god sends while your girlfriend fannies about.

Stop enabling her

Don’t get married
I guarantee you she won’t be lazy and a airhead when she takes 50 percent of your money - house

Please think very carefully before continuing a relationship with this person, 'calling you beautiful, doing the cooking and looking after the dogs' is not enough to build a relationship... she sounds as though she is using you for all the stability and financial basics whilst she can fluff about and 'be nice' to you. Raise your standards.

I think she sounds very immature TBH. Does she perchance think that she will become a millionaire via You tube! You are sensible with money, as many people brought up in more modest homes often are. I would think very carefully before you have a family together .You will be the birthing parent and so on .She has very little income to support you .You will be having a minimal maternity leave and she will be arsing around on sodding videos! You deserve more OP

I have ADHD, probs inherited from my dad who behaves a lot like your partner (except he managed to hold down a job).

Don’t take any permanent steps with her.

It’s not just about, an unborn child doesn’t deserve this.

Why isn’t she on meds?

Just to be absolutely clear, no wedding or babies will be taking place unless by some miracle she manages to get herself together. I just wanted to make it clear that we had originally planned for these things to happen next year, but I'm not desperate for either, and I'm happy to wait. I've always been very independent and I don't need someone who is going to suck the life out of me.

This most recent 'career change' happened at the beginning of this year. Prior to this she did hop from job to job but they all managed to be fairly well paid so it wasn't noticed in the same way, as bills were split evenly and we were able to save money and have money for fun times, etc. And she is a kind, generally well rounded excellent person, who does her bit when it comes to household stuff. Despite the ADHD she has managed to get to grips with navigating household admin, I suppose the emotional labour side of running a household, which is useful. But she also needs to be earning. And I don't really want either of us to be a SAHM if we do have children together.

But we can't survive on one income without things being incredibly strained and I'm not sure why she thinks we should either given we both participate in the monthly budget from an organizational perspective and she can clearly see that things are incredibly tight right now.

I think next steps will be to set a deadline for her to pack in the YouTube stuff, and urge her to accept she needs her ADHD medicated. I don't really know what timeline to give her though - especially as the cost of living is due to rise again in April.

I want to support her dreams just like I supported my own but as someone else said, when you want to do a hobby career you need to do something stable alongside until it's built up properly, and I couldn't agree more. I have a hobby career and I was a nanny for years whilst building it up. I left home at 16, I didn't have the privilege of having someone else pay my bills whilst I chased my dreams. I had to do both and that was whilst navigating healing from trauma and attempting to finish up school whilst living in a care leavers unit. If I could juggle it all, she should be able to as well.

I have 2 neighbours who are You Tubers. Took both of them years of content and building up a following. They both had full time jobs whilst they were doing it. Only recently have they been able to give up their other jobs.

She is massively in-realistic and ADHD or not, needs to grow up.

Your idea of a deadline is good, but will she even take any notice?

I’d cut my losses if I were you.