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Original poster

Huge mistake

106 replies

Mam576 · 20/02/2022 22:43

I’ve already posted about this about a month or so ago (however NC) but my head is none the clearer.

I have 6 year old DD was in relationship with her dad for 10years since I was 18. Very turbulent relationship. I left 3 years ago now, however we’re still good friends.

I have hidden something from him which has destroyed me for 14 years. When I was 18 I went on a girls holiday and I had one night stand. We were 3 months into our relationship. I didn’t know that we were going to be together and have a child. This guilt and pain escalated and I felt very (and still do) guilty, unworthy, lost a lot of weight, lot of sleep, have suffered mentally.

We got close over Xmas and he told me he has feelings and can we talk. I have massively distanced myself because when we split up I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Then when we started to spend time together over Christmas as much as I loved being around him, I am now feeling huge guilt. It’s affecting my ability to function. Family have commented on how down and different I feel I just shrug it off and say I’m just overloaded at work.

Broke down and told close friend couple of weeks ago and she said to sit him down and tell him about what happened. I do have feelings for him. But I feel like I can’t act on these feelings because of my past. Feel so low and upset and hating myself and this situation. She said I need to tell him for me so I can move forward with my life and put this behind me.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 20/02/2022 22:48

By telling him, you're moving your pain to become his pain. Is that what you really want? It was 14 years ago. You'd only been seeing him a few months. Forgive yourself and let it go and move on. Maybe you should try talking to a therapist to help you move on from this?

Mikeythecat · 20/02/2022 22:48

You're letting this eat you up inside and it's very sad to read. You have to be easier on yourself. Would you ever do it again. I don'tthink so. So, don't tell him. There's no need at all. Why was the relationship turbulent?

Doanythingforlove · 20/02/2022 22:50

I don’t think you should tell him. Offload it in another way.

Original poster
Mam576 · 20/02/2022 23:00

I just think that if we ever got back together this would eat me up so much, I feel like I would be living a lie and not being my authentic self.

@Mikeythecat he was quite controlling but I wasent an angel with this

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 20/02/2022 23:08

@Mam576 So you'd rather it eats him up instead?

I'm saying this as kindly as I can but I don't think your reaction to this is healthy. Not when it happened so long ago and life has moved on so much. If you thought he might not be the father of your child, that would make more sense but all this upset is too strong a reaction for a mistake you made once years ago. Is there something else going on?

Seriously, please talk to a therapist and let them help you.

CookieMunch · 20/02/2022 23:13

You’re being way too hard on yourself about this. It’s not a big deal. 18 year olds do these things. You’re a good person you just made a mistake. You’re allowed to make mistakes. I’d just forget about it.

Jk24 · 20/02/2022 23:15

Id tell him. Yes it will upset him but may bethe only way to bring your family unit back together. Also he can make the choice if to forgive you

FiftyStoriesHigh · 20/02/2022 23:15

You are not the same person you were when you were 18 and in a very new relationship! You really need to be far far kinder to yourself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2022 23:17

Your reaction to this is hugely disproportionate and it seems something else is going on? You were happy enough not telling him for years, it’s worrying you’re so fixated on it now. Don’t make this his problem. Why on Earth would you? It would be really really selfish.

Get some professional help asap. Pay for it if you can. Don’t drag him into it. Your friend’s advice is shit. As if you’ll suddenly feel better by telling him. If he’s okay about it you probably won’t believe him. If he’s angry or upset you’ll get further sucked into this unhealthy spiral of self loathing or whatever it is.

iwishu · 20/02/2022 23:19

I think you have to forgive yourself, people make mistakes, you were 18 and only 3 months into a relationship where you couldn't possibly if known it would become serious, more like a dating stage really. it's quite different to cheating when you've got married and had children.
I wouldn't tell him if you get back, it's only going to cause him not to trust you, when clearly you wouldn't dream of doing that now.

Original poster
Mam576 · 20/02/2022 23:24

There’s definitely nothing else going on. It just seems big because when I left the relationship I felt a huge weight lift. Then this past year or so we got close and I can feel those familiar feelings of guilt creeping back in. I don’t think that I deserve him and that is why I want to communicate this to him, not to pass my pain off. He keeps asking if we can chat, and he’s confused as to why I act interested then go massively distant - so I just feel like that owes an explanation.

OP posts:
Theoscargoesto · 21/02/2022 00:15

I think you’re a good person who, many years ago, made a mistake. I think you are as others have said very hard on yourself.

I don’t presume as other have to tell you what to do but on your place I think I would find a therapist. On the short term, work through what happened and where you are or, and if it’s right FOR YOU to tell your ex.

In the longer term I’d want to work on my self-esteem and how to be kinder to myself and forgive my younger self.

Februarybluee · 21/02/2022 00:19

You were 18 and made a silly mistake as many of us have done at that age.

You are split up now. I understand the guilt I think I'd feel the same but as you're not together any more I wouldn't say you 'owe' the truth in the same way as if you were still together.

Think, what would telling him now really achieve? It would hurt him and taint his memories of your 10 years together.

I know you went to tell him to relieve yourself but doing age old confession like this is just passing on pain to someone else.

Instead, I'd be kind to yourself OP and forgive yourself. Therapy could also be a good option. Thanks

Icecreamandapplepie · 21/02/2022 00:21

Just tell him! You sound like a very honest person, as am I, and I totally understand how it could eat you up.

You will lose him if you don't tell him, but you stand a good chance of keeping him of you're honest.

Original poster
Mam576 · 21/02/2022 08:28

If we had no chance of getting back together I wouldn’t tell him.

But I’m really stressed out because he wants to talk about these feelings that he has, and I also have feelings. I know if I tell him he would hate me and He would want nothing to do with me as he has very extreme views on cheating and made that clear for 10 years. But if we did get back together I don’t now if I could leave with this guilt and pain

I’m trying to avoid chatting with him as I’m scared it’s all going to come out and that will finalise everything

OP posts:
Original poster
Mam576 · 21/02/2022 08:29

*live not leave

OP posts:
AntiHop · 21/02/2022 08:36

What made your relationship "turbulent "?

CousinKrispy · 21/02/2022 08:42

You stated that he was quite controlling.

You shouldn't be considering getting back into a relationship with a controlling partner. It doesn't matter that you weren't perfect, control is abuse and is unacceptable.

Maybe you felt a weight off your shoulders when you left him not because you no longer had to hide a brief incident from your past, but because you no longer were trapped in a turbulent, controlling relationship. And you feel uneasy now not because of guilt, but because it's shit being with a controlling partner.

I agree with therapy so you can talk to someone safe about all of this, including why you got yourself into a relationship with someone controlling in the first place, and why you seem intent on punishing yourself by revealing your "sin" to him when you know he has black and white views on cheating.

ThreeLocusts · 21/02/2022 08:56

Another vote for don't get back with him. You say he's controlling, and that he condemns cheating, but you feel compelled to tell him you cheated so you can have a future together.

Which is as much as saying you want to destroy the relationship to save the relationship. You sound really confused. Could it be that you guilt is partly fear of being back in his controlling orbit?

Better raise your bar and move on. You don't deserve him, you deserve better.

MorrisZapp · 21/02/2022 09:03

There's no reason for him or anyone else to know what you did on holiday as a teenager. I think you're focusing on this to avoid the fact of his controlling nature. He's convinced you that he demands the highest of standards but it sounds like he gets a free pass. Face up to the real reasons he doesn't spark joy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/02/2022 09:09

There are literally billions of other men in the world. Honestly, none of this agonising seems worth it.

Original poster
Mam576 · 21/02/2022 09:40

@AntiHop the relationship was turbulent because he was very insecure (although I was also) but he would accuse me every time we went out of looking at other men (which I really wasent), when we went for meals, shopping etc, so i stopped going out to crowded places with him because it got really awkward and I started to get really panicky.

He didn’t like me having social media so I come off that for majority of relationship, then when I had DD I wanted to show photos of her to friends and family so made a new fb account, which he was annoyed that there weren’t pictures of him on there (even though a few family photos were of the 3 of us).

He said a while ago that anybody who cheats deserves to get beat up, which I know he would never do but it put fear into me. There’s been a lot of things over the 10 years but I’m not completely innocent. He’s such a good dad and I really do think he has changed. When I left I felt so much freedom. But now everyday I feel like my feelings are getting stronger again for him and none of my relationships have I felt as much as a connection to anybody but him .

OP posts:
MrsDamonSalvatore · 21/02/2022 09:47

Definitely don’t tell him, especially seeing your update on why your relationship was turbulent. No good will come of it for either of you. Are you really sure you want to get back with someone like that? He sounds very controlling.

OnaBegonia · 21/02/2022 09:50

Why are you even considering getting back with him never mind telling him that?
He's a controlling bully who tbf sounds unhinged.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/02/2022 09:51

Why do you think he is such a good dad?. Women in and or who have had poor relationships write similar when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

This one night stand you had all of 14 years ago will be used by him as a further stick to beat you with if you tell him. Do not tell him; deal with your guilt through seeing a therapist. I would also suggest you look at the Freedom programme as well as reading "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

You have this the wrong way around; he really does not deserve you at all. His controlling nature was the main reason your relationship was turbulent; not this one night stand you had.

I would also think he has not changed one single bit in all the years since; he is telling you what you want to hear. He remains abusive and manipulative; he certainly can and indeed does yank your chain here and you remain very much trauma bonded to him. That is also a legacy of an abusive relationship too.