Huge mistake

[Mam576]

I’ve already posted about this about a month or so ago (however NC) but my head is none the clearer.

I have 6 year old DD was in relationship with her dad for 10years since I was 18. Very turbulent relationship. I left 3 years ago now, however we’re still good friends.

I have hidden something from him which has destroyed me for 14 years. When I was 18 I went on a girls holiday and I had one night stand. We were 3 months into our relationship. I didn’t know that we were going to be together and have a child. This guilt and pain escalated and I felt very (and still do) guilty, unworthy, lost a lot of weight, lot of sleep, have suffered mentally.

We got close over Xmas and he told me he has feelings and can we talk. I have massively distanced myself because when we split up I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Then when we started to spend time together over Christmas as much as I loved being around him, I am now feeling huge guilt. It’s affecting my ability to function. Family have commented on how down and different I feel I just shrug it off and say I’m just overloaded at work.

Broke down and told close friend couple of weeks ago and she said to sit him down and tell him about what happened. I do have feelings for him. But I feel like I can’t act on these feelings because of my past. Feel so low and upset and hating myself and this situation. She said I need to tell him for me so I can move forward with my life and put this behind me.

I know you reckon you want to get it out in the open so you can get back together. But in reality it’s one of two things: 1) spiking this reconciliation before it’s begun so you can know in your heart you’re safe from being controlled by him again 2) masochistically giving him a huge stick to beat you with. He was jealous and awful when he didn’t know you’d cheated, can you even imagine how often you’d hear about this teenage one night stand if you told him and then he wanted you back anyway???? Your life would be hell. Everything he did before x 10 and he’d rub it in your face and use it to bend you to his will or stop you raising any concerns.

To be honest love it’s unlikely that a relationship in your thirties is going to match the sheer euphoric excitement of one that started in your teens, going after that is a hiding to nothing.

Also it’s a known thing that people bond with their abusers. And that kind of jealous behaviour is abusive. Might be worth looking at this book called Why Does He Do That?

Having got you and your child away from him I think you’d be utterly mad to go back. You sound very down and maybe a bit depressed at the moment, perhaps talk to your GP about your general state of mind.

Jesus do not tell this man what happened in the past and do NOT get back with him.

He will be ten times worse than before if you give him this stick to beat you with. He is already so possessive and controlling that you couldn't do to crowded places or have social media? No wonder you felt a weight lifted when you broke up. He is an abuser.

Please, for your own sake and your child - don't show her that it's normal to be in an abusive relationship.

Therapy will really help.

It was an abusive relationship. Going back to it would be a massive mistake.

Maintaining this toxic friendship is also a mistake and has left you enmeshed with your abuser despite notionally leaving the relationship.

She said I need to tell him for me so I can move forward with my life and put this behind me.

This is crap advice. Shockingly crap. How you feel inside is for you to deal with and the reason you can't move forward is because you're so entangled with your abuser - increasing that entanglement won't make anything better.

What is stopping you move on is that you left an abusive relationship without actually leaving it so have not healed or even properly processed it.

What professional support have you had about the abuse? Freedom Programme? Trauma therapy? Abuse survivor support groups? Anything?

It was abuse. Calling it that isn't calling him a monster, it's correctly identifying what occurred so you can deal with things appropriately.

What, you would tell him and risk being beaten up which he has threatened?

No, there's no point telling him about one incident 10 years ago. I just honestly can't see why you even think it's a sensible thing to do - unless you just like the drama.

What's more relevant here is that your relationship has always been turbulent. This type of relationship can not be good for you or more importantly, your child.

By all means be amicable and stay friendly, particularly as you are raising a child together, but do not become a couple again.

I think because he has so much contact with DD, and I have relied on him an awful lot lately. When I had covid and could not leave the house he was doing all my shopping, cooking meals and dropping them off. We have gone away in the past when split up for DDs birthday and spent events together and I’ve always been able to pull myself back away and get back on with my life quite happily single. But since Christmas me and DD stayed over (and it felt really special Christmas) I’ve not been able to pull myself away from him :( it’s eating me up.

I have a professional job which I have to be on top form for everyday but I’m so disengaged, I find myself crying on the way to work in the car then dry my eyes and get on with the day like nothing has happened. I then come home and plough myself into my studies so I am completely distracted. It’s really difficult, I thought this feeling would pass after Christmas but it’s still continuing.

I emailed some therapists last night as felt at my lowest so hoping to hear back from some today.

I saw this, I remember the original post. Again nothing has changed in what I think. DO NOT TELL HIM, THERE IS NO POINT. You were NOT in a committed relationship with him. He's also crackers for what it's worth.

I think you are being very hard on yourself.

However, unlike many here I think you should tell him. Not to make it his problem, but because truth is always better, in relationships, and around issues like this.

It wasn't a huge mistake, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

What would be a huge mistake is getting back together with him. From what you describe, he sounds awful. Stay single.

If you tell him then all chance of getting back together will have gone. You need to process this yourself. It was before you were committed to each other, you've churned yourself up enough and you're letting this one event affect your entire life. Leave it in the past, it's not like you're doubting that he's your DD father. If you love him, don't tell him.

@CousinKrispy

You stated that he was quite controlling.

You shouldn't be considering getting back into a relationship with a controlling partner. It doesn't matter that you weren't perfect, control is abuse and is unacceptable.

Maybe you felt a weight off your shoulders when you left him not because you no longer had to hide a brief incident from your past, but because you no longer were trapped in a turbulent, controlling relationship. And you feel uneasy now not because of guilt, but because it's shit being with a controlling partner.

I agree with therapy so you can talk to someone safe about all of this, including why you got yourself into a relationship with someone controlling in the first place, and why you seem intent on punishing yourself by revealing your "sin" to him when you know he has black and white views on cheating.

This.

The weight you are feeling is you being sucked back into his controlling dynamic.
But your mind is linking it to the guilt over the one night stand. He's threatened you before about being beaten up if someone cheated.
So that's fear you are feeling.
Fear of the same bully that made your life a misery.
He keeps making you feel like you are worthless and bad and that's starting to happen again.
You had a one night stand years and years ago three months into a relationship. Let it go.
Your own reaction is way out of proportion which shows how much you are afraid of him.

He sounds toxic. If he hasn't had years of therapy since splitting with you then nothing has changed.

Ok I take back my comment now reading the whole thread. I wouldn't bother telling him, not because I think you should lie about these things, but because I would just distance myself from him full stop. I now realise hes not a nice person. Difficult with a child to do this, but keep the relationship civil, cool and professional maybe if possible?

I feel really sorry for you, it’s clear you’re at a pretty low ebb. Please do speak to your doctor as well. It may be that you are suffering with depression and that is making you look around desperately for a solution and feel that he is it. Or that you’re of low worth and you deserve the poor treatment he offers. YOU KNOW that when your self esteem is higher you consciously avoid getting back with him.

You need to get more help from friends, colleagues, neighbours, anyone but him. If your life was a film, he’d be the baddy.

"I think because he has so much contact with DD, and I have relied on him an awful lot lately. When I had covid and could not leave the house he was doing all my shopping, cooking meals and dropping them off"

None of the above are any basis, let alone any sort of reason, to tell him about a one night stand that happened 14 years ago let alone to resume a relationship that you've described as turbulent. It was like that because it was abusive. He sought then, as he does now, to control you and in turn your DD.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see poor parental relationship models at home?.

He's been very clever here and his apparent kindness (really this was the barest of bare minimums) has just made you feel more obligated to him. Why are you this socially isolated that he was apparently the only person you could call to assist you?

If you possibly can, I would strongly encourage you to find a therapist with expertise in trauma (and trauma caused by abuse).

And of course please make sure they are appropriately qualified and regulated - BACP, HCPC. You can check HCPC registrations online.

You would probably benefit from Freedom Programme. Telling you he'd beat someone if they did x, is classic abuse - you say you don't believe he'd do it but it frightened you. Well that was the point and that is how abuse works.

I really think you will struggle to disentangle yourself and make sense of your thoughts without a stronger/clearer understanding of abuse so you can recognise what he is doing and how it is affecting you.

Christ, you'd only been with him a matter of weeks! You were 18. You had a one night stand. I think it's hugely disproportionate to have agonised over this for 14 years! Honestly, that's a serious overreaction and would really be worth getting some help to deal with.

However, don't get back together with that arse of a man. He does not sound good. You deserve much better.

When you were 18 you had a fling 3 months into a relationship? And you're STILL angsting about it now?

I say this carefully but this is not normal. You need therapy to help you understand why you feel such a ridiculous and disproportionate level of guilt when no guilt is needed

Oh and having RTFT .....do not get back with him. Ever.

Forget the cheating, telling him won’t improve anything, it’s done and over.

You’re 28, young.
Have finally left a controlling and turbulent relationship.
Being nice occasionally isn’t good enough.
If my dh accused me of looking at men and wouldn’t let me have fb and stalked what was on my fb I would leave him anyway.

There’s lots of really nice, normal(ish) men out there.
Don’t settle for an idiot.

You are glossing over the fact that he was abusive.

Don't re-enter an abusive relationship. It's that simple. You don't need to worry about your mistake because it has no relevance to your life.

You don't have to have a relationship with him just because you 'have feelings'. The adult thing to do is to recognise that feelings are like the weather. They come and go, we just have to respond to them in the way that's healthiest for us. Your healthiest path here is 'I have feelings for him, but I'm not ruled by them. I understand that I feel this way, but it's not a good idea for anybody to ever re-enter an abusive relationship, so I won't.'

You do recognise and accept that he was abusive, don't you?

@AttilaTheMeerkat I’ve got brilliant family, I’m very close to my mum and sister, have a best friend and a few very close friends so i have others to rely on I just really like being around him and being in his company especially lately. Growing up I had good parents who are still very supportive now and a great childhood with my siblings, so I feel like I had good models and I’ve been trying to dig myself as to why I have become so strongly attached and had such a dysfunctional adult relationship.

@BowerOfBramble I think what you said about self esteem could be very accurate, and I hadn’t viewed this situation from a self esteem angle.

@Bullandbush I was 28 when I left him, I’m 32 now and feel like I’m still owing so much of my life to the past

You feel you can't get back together unless you tell him.
You say if you tell him he'll want nothing to do with you.
There's no point in saying anything as you won't be together again.

@Mam576

There’s definitely nothing else going on. It just seems big because when I left the relationship I felt a huge weight lift. Then this past year or so we got close and I can feel those familiar feelings of guilt creeping back in. I don’t think that I deserve him and that is why I want to communicate this to him, not to pass my pain off. He keeps asking if we can chat, and he’s confused as to why I act interested then go massively distant - so I just feel like that owes an explanation.

If you have a talk can't you just agree this is a fresh start, whatever has happened in the past is over. If you both agree to leave the past in the past could you accept it?