Huge mistake

[Mam576]

I’ve already posted about this about a month or so ago (however NC) but my head is none the clearer.

I have 6 year old DD was in relationship with her dad for 10years since I was 18. Very turbulent relationship. I left 3 years ago now, however we’re still good friends.

I have hidden something from him which has destroyed me for 14 years. When I was 18 I went on a girls holiday and I had one night stand. We were 3 months into our relationship. I didn’t know that we were going to be together and have a child. This guilt and pain escalated and I felt very (and still do) guilty, unworthy, lost a lot of weight, lot of sleep, have suffered mentally.

We got close over Xmas and he told me he has feelings and can we talk. I have massively distanced myself because when we split up I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Then when we started to spend time together over Christmas as much as I loved being around him, I am now feeling huge guilt. It’s affecting my ability to function. Family have commented on how down and different I feel I just shrug it off and say I’m just overloaded at work.

Broke down and told close friend couple of weeks ago and she said to sit him down and tell him about what happened. I do have feelings for him. But I feel like I can’t act on these feelings because of my past. Feel so low and upset and hating myself and this situation. She said I need to tell him for me so I can move forward with my life and put this behind me.

[quote Mam576]@Bullandbush I was 28 when I left him, I’m 32 now and feel like I’m still owing so much of my life to the past[/quote]
It’s hard to let go sometimes and I understand your relationship with your ex will seem easier and more comfortable in some ways.
Remember though when you lived together, how did you feel?

My df met her dh after his first marriage broke up.
He had an affair and decided to come clean and tell his first wife he loved her etc.
What he didn’t bargain for was his wife saying well I had an affair last year so don’t feel bad.
He expected his wife to forgive him and move forward but he couldn’t forgive her and move forward.
This is what men are like.
Your ex will throw your one night stand in your face forever!
Don’t tell him, ever!

You felt massive relief when you ended it before, why would you go back?

Glad to read you have emailed therapists. Good therapists will meet you for an initial session for free to see if you can work together. You will definitely benefit from talking this through with the therapist you 'click' with. Do this, you will not regret it!

Don’t tell him, and don’t feel guilty about it. It was a mistake very early on in the relationship when you were very young, and you’ve felt guilty enough about it I think. Obviously never cheat on a partner again, now you know it’s wrong and makes you feel like shit!

But he doesn’t sound like a nice person. He sounds a bit threatening and controlling to be completely honest. I think he’s gotten into your head to make you feel this bad. There are better relationships out there.

Another point. If you have a DD together you need to stay on good terms. I have a feeling that if you DO tell him about the one night stand, he will be an absolute shit to you.

So even if you don’t want to get back with him I don’t think you should tell him.

Don't tell him. He will use it as an emotional stick to beat you with. The emotional rum oil you feel is probably more to do with your core self remembering how controlling he was , but instead of blaming him and being angry that he is like this, you are turning the tuilant blame on yourself. Forgive yourself for the one night stand and keep it to yourself.

Ok that’s interesting that the self esteem thing struck a chord. Sometimes I think it’s a bit like when I cry at an advert I know I’m about to have my period, when you start dwelling horribly on things or people from the past you know you are miserable and feeling bad about yourself.

Honestly, seeing more of him is probably exacerbating that. What I think you need (aside from counselling which you’re sorting) is JOY. Can you change anything to make your life more positive? (Aside from keeping contact with your ex to a minimum)

New job? Get a garden or an allotment, join a choir, get out more with friends, book a massage.

Really take care of yourself like you’re a beloved daughter.

[quote Mam576]@AntiHop the relationship was turbulent because he was very insecure (although I was also) but he would accuse me every time we went out of looking at other men (which I really wasent), when we went for meals, shopping etc, so i stopped going out to crowded places with him because it got really awkward and I started to get really panicky.

He didn’t like me having social media so I come off that for majority of relationship, then when I had DD I wanted to show photos of her to friends and family so made a new fb account, which he was annoyed that there weren’t pictures of him on there (even though a few family photos were of the 3 of us).

He said a while ago that anybody who cheats deserves to get beat up, which I know he would never do but it put fear into me. There’s been a lot of things over the 10 years but I’m not completely innocent. He’s such a good dad and I really do think he has changed. When I left I felt so much freedom. But now everyday I feel like my feelings are getting stronger again for him and none of my relationships have I felt as much as a connection to anybody but him .[/quote]
Yikes. This has red flags all over it. Please don't get back with this man!!

Absolutely do not get back with him.

This bout of feelings you think you have for each other is just the latest twist in your "turbulent" (ie toxic) relationship.

You're not good for each other when you're together. You don't work as a couple. This is completely clear, regardless of what you did when you were 18. You're best relationship with each other is as amicable co-parents, which is good because you need to be that for your daughter.

It does not follow from enjoying his company as an amicable co-parent that you then have to get back together again.

Broke down and told close friend couple of weeks ago and she said to sit him down and tell him about what happened. I do have feelings for him. But I feel like I can’t act on these feelings because of my past. Feel so low and upset and hating myself and this situation. She said I need to tell him for me so I can move forward with my life and put this behind me.

Your friend is a twit. Does she want to see you beaten up?

Your life is moving forward irrespective of anyone else needing to know about a pretty much non-event 13 years ago.

You wrote a lot about this one night stand & how it is making you feel - but nothing about the most important thing:
Do you actually want to go back to your turbulent relationship?

He said a while ago that anybody who cheats deserves to get beat up
I think you should keep your distance from this jealous, controlling man. You have been fine without him for 3 years.

@Mam576

There’s definitely nothing else going on. It just seems big because when I left the relationship I felt a huge weight lift. Then this past year or so we got close and I can feel those familiar feelings of guilt creeping back in. I don’t think that I deserve him and that is why I want to communicate this to him, not to pass my pain off. He keeps asking if we can chat, and he’s confused as to why I act interested then go massively distant - so I just feel like that owes an explanation.

You only feel guilty because you think you owe him, & you only think you owe him because you feel guilty.

This circular thinking is unhealthy & you are doing yourself no favours - beating yourself up over nothing. Think back to that feeling of the huge weight lifting when you left 3 years ago.
Why would you want that weight back in your life?

You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you do owe yourself compassion & self-care. I agree with PP that you would benefit from taking this issue to a counsellor. You are chewing yourself up from inside, & you really don't need to: the next step is finding a counsellor who can help you see that for yourself.

@Vintagecreamandcottagepie

Just tell him! You sound like a very honest person, as am I, and I totally understand how it could eat you up.

You will lose him if you don't tell him, but you stand a good chance of keeping him of you're honest.

FFS.

"Losing" a jealous, insecure & controlling man is a benefit not a loss.

TELLING a man who believes that people who cheat should be beaten up is fucking madness.

[quote Mam576]@AntiHop the relationship was turbulent because he was very insecure (although I was also) but he would accuse me every time we went out of looking at other men (which I really wasent), when we went for meals, shopping etc, so i stopped going out to crowded places with him because it got really awkward and I started to get really panicky.

He didn’t like me having social media so I come off that for majority of relationship, then when I had DD I wanted to show photos of her to friends and family so made a new fb account, which he was annoyed that there weren’t pictures of him on there (even though a few family photos were of the 3 of us).

He said a while ago that anybody who cheats deserves to get beat up, which I know he would never do but it put fear into me. There’s been a lot of things over the 10 years but I’m not completely innocent. He’s such a good dad and I really do think he has changed. When I left I felt so much freedom. But now everyday I feel like my feelings are getting stronger again for him and none of my relationships have I felt as much as a connection to anybody but him .[/quote]
When you change your behaviours to avoid your partner kicking off - you are living with an abuser.

The fact that you reckon he wouldn't actually beat you up isn't good OP. Abuse isn't always physical. He would punish you again & again & again for "cheating" i.e. being a daft teenager on holiday, a few weeks into a dating relationship.

His anger & control would be disproportionate. Look at how his attitude has already conditioned you - you are feeling guilt you do not deserve, you are agonising over your own small historic mistake, & you are doing all of that instead of looking at his behaviours.

This man is not the boss of you, & he doesn't get to be the judge of you.

If you tell him-
Whether you get back together or not
He will hold it over your head.

From your description of what he’s like there’s zero chance he’d forgive and move on in any genuine way. Men who are more secure/less controlling than him would find it hard to genuinely move on after being told something like this.

You need to forgive yourself op. It’s obvious you know it was a mistake and you’d never do it again.

I'm not sure telling your ex who treated you badly due to his insecurity and thinking you were cheating and who you had a 'turbulent' relationship with that actually you really did cheat on him when you were first together ... Will result in a joyful reunion and a happy ever after.
He's much more likely to turn nasty and even if he did still want to get back together he'd hardly be likely to be less insecure would he? He'd most likely be more insecure and throw it in your face all the time.

He was a shitty controlling partner. You shouldn’t be getting back together with him, anyway. So, the entire point is moot.

I see this on here all the time - women who can’t let go. You need to be done with this relationship. Properly done. Draw a line under it and get on with your life. Aim for amicable coparenting.

I’m really glad that you’re looking into therapy. Professional support might be helpful to help you get through all this.

so i stopped going out to crowded places with him because it got really awkward and I started to get really panicky.

The fact that you don't recognise this as abuse, & consider your ex a "friend" is concerning OP. Well done on taking the steps to find a therapist.

btw - those feelings for him you are having?
www.verywellmind.com/trauma-bonding-5207136

Fuck me - "deserves to get beaten up"???

No wonder this has tortured you. He has seriously messed you up.

Who knows if he had a one night stand at some point over the years. Even if he didn't, he has terrorised you and that's far worse.

Little by little your feelings for him will fade if you let him. It's normal you're not fully over him, he was a very big part of your life. And there's something called trauma bonding, bit like Stockholm Syndrome.

This isn't how a man should treat a woman. Do you want your daughter to grow up feeling like you do?

And the one night stand. Reframe it. It sounds like it could have been a delicious moment of youthful freedom before you got locked into an abusive relationship. I don't know, maybe it was just a regrettable evening of bad sex. But look, either cherish it or forget it on its own terms. This wasn't some great wrong you did him. You were casually seeing him and it was a very, very, very long time ago. He doesn't own your past or your future. It's made no difference to him at all and he will only be a twat about it if you tell him. You are allowed your own life. That's the least you can do for yourself after all these years of torturing yourself.

*fade if you let THEM

God don't tell him about a bit of fun you had as a teenager, not because it was wrong but because he will punish you for it. And don't go back to him. Don't. Your weight lifting was not your fun but HIM.

YOU didn't rely on him when you had Covid. He supported his own daughter when her mum was ill. I'm glad he did that but he doesn't deserve a medal for it.

I suspect that you are blaming other feeling or concerns you are trying to bury on this one (ancient) incident. It should not be consuming you in this way.
Your feeling of relief was escape from a controlling relationship. Perhaps this incident has been intensified by the obsessive nature of how you viewed other people.
You need to unpack your own feelings before considering the entering a relationship or telling him.
Personally I fail to see what it would achieve and it should be left in the past, as should the relationship

And about "he's changed"... What's changed is that you're not in a relationship with him anymore so he can't treat you how he used to. If he's being particularly nice at the moment, might it be that he hasn't got any other irons in the fire right now, so he wants the old reassurance that he can still charm you? Don't get sucked in only to be heartbroken all over again when he meets someone else.

If I did tell him like lots of posters have said he will use that. His mum had numerous affairs on his dad and his dad still uses that against her now and tries to get everybody to feel sorry for him (even though they divorced about 20 years ago - and turns out he also had affairs but that is all kept quiet) and ex has so much hatred for his mum still. I would hate for my little girl to be brought into the same sort of situation.

It just feels like I am going through a real break up. When I left him I didnt feel any pain. But now all of a sudden 3 years later I feel awful. When anything good happens he's the first person I want to ring to speak to, I just constantly want to be around him. But then I go back to when I was with him and I dreamt about the day I could get up and leave.

I would start a relationship with a therapist, not with him.

My friend who is training to be a counsellor originally said not to tell him. However, she then said it would help me to move forward with my life if I did tell him ,as it was getting everything out in the open and allowing me to move on with the next chapter of my life. However, after posting here near enough everybody has said to not tell him and this is what I originally was leaning towards.

Sounds like telling him would mean a world of pain for your daughter regardless of what else happens.