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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Huge mistake

106 replies

Mam576 · 20/02/2022 22:43

I’ve already posted about this about a month or so ago (however NC) but my head is none the clearer.

I have 6 year old DD was in relationship with her dad for 10years since I was 18. Very turbulent relationship. I left 3 years ago now, however we’re still good friends.

I have hidden something from him which has destroyed me for 14 years. When I was 18 I went on a girls holiday and I had one night stand. We were 3 months into our relationship. I didn’t know that we were going to be together and have a child. This guilt and pain escalated and I felt very (and still do) guilty, unworthy, lost a lot of weight, lot of sleep, have suffered mentally.

We got close over Xmas and he told me he has feelings and can we talk. I have massively distanced myself because when we split up I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Then when we started to spend time together over Christmas as much as I loved being around him, I am now feeling huge guilt. It’s affecting my ability to function. Family have commented on how down and different I feel I just shrug it off and say I’m just overloaded at work.

Broke down and told close friend couple of weeks ago and she said to sit him down and tell him about what happened. I do have feelings for him. But I feel like I can’t act on these feelings because of my past. Feel so low and upset and hating myself and this situation. She said I need to tell him for me so I can move forward with my life and put this behind me.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 21/02/2022 14:26

The job of a counsellor isn't to tell you what to do. Some snog a decade ago is totally irrelevant in reality.

I think you need to understand why you are so powerfully drawn by someone who is so catastrophically bad for you and who makes you feel awful. And why you have been sensitised into thinking a teenage kiss is so important.

Original poster
Mam576 · 21/02/2022 14:32

@PermanentTemporary It was more than a kiss, if it was just a kiss I probably could have told him a long time ago. I think I'm drawn to the real highs that we have had together. I also think I like to reminisce about the past. The majority of the time we got along, but when times were bad they were pretty bad (I've only pointed out a couple here). And I also really crave that family time. I look back on videos of us all with young family and think what If I've thrown everything away and I never have the chance of having that family again as I'm getting older.

But then the rational side of me steps in and I know that at times I use to lie in bed and dread the future with him and know that there must be a different life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mam576 · 21/02/2022 14:35

I'm sorry if my posts sounds frustrating , I really want to shake myself too, I just feel so confused and keep going round in a whirlwind

OP posts:
WetLookKnitwear · 21/02/2022 14:43

It sounds like you like the idea of what it could be like being with him, more than you like the reality of being in a relationship with him.

Great healthy relationships do exist but not everyone can give you it. You and your DD do deserve that but it doesn’t sound like your ex can provide that for you. It isn’t your fault.

Watchkeys · 21/02/2022 15:49

@Mam576

I'm sorry if my posts sounds frustrating , I really want to shake myself too, I just feel so confused and keep going round in a whirlwind
Stay away from any relationship that makes you feel like this. The details of why you feel like this aren't the relevant thing. If you feel mixed up/messed up/confused by a situation, step away from it. It's a general life-rule, not just regarding relationships.

If you want to be happy, be in places that make you happy. Be with people who make you happy. If you want to be confused, be with people who make you feel confused. Be in situations that confused you.

What do you want? How do you want the prevailing mood in your life to be? Choose it.

formalineadeline · 21/02/2022 16:36

@Mam576

I'm sorry if my posts sounds frustrating , I really want to shake myself too, I just feel so confused and keep going round in a whirlwind
Trauma will do that to you.

Maintaining such close contact with him has really stymied your ability to heal properly.

PerseverancePays · 21/02/2022 16:47

Don't make any decisions while you are so confused. Your dream of a happy family with your ex is just that, a dream. You made a bad choice in your partner and father of your child. It's not the end of the world, lots of us do, often when we are very young and don't know any better.
Now you do know: he is not good husband materiel, he is not a keeper. It's great that you can co parent and spend time together as a family but do not see this as an indication that you should get back with him, he is a very jealous and insecure individual. Do you want your child to grow up thinking this is normal? No you do not.
Now is the time to look after yourself and grow stronger. Chase up those therapists and start interviewing them.

MsDogLady · 21/02/2022 18:22

OP, I commented on your other thread. The consensus was that the mistake your 18 year old self made a mere 12 weeks in paled in comparison to this man’s massive emotional and financial abuse of you.

You downplay when you call it ‘turbulent’:
*You walked everywhere with your head down because he constantly accused you of looking at men.

*When you were in a restaurant and facing a couple, he made you change seats and face the wall so you couldn’t look at the man.

*When you went into labor, he left you alone in his dad’s bathtub while they went shopping, and you barely made it to the hospital.
*When you signed up for SM, he threw your phone against the wall.
*He would go through your phone and accounts to check up on you.

You were convinced that you deserved his abuse, and, further, that you deserved no happiness at all, so you stopped seeing friends, etc. You bravely broke away after 10 years.

Back away, OP. You are walking into a trap with your child. Of course he is showing you sunshine while trying to hoover you, but it would be a tragic move to trust him and reunite. He is a misogynistic, aggressive bully and you are still self-flagellating. Why would you even consider risking DD’s well-being by exposing her to that destructive dynamic?

My advice is to seek individual counseling to strengthen your self-esteem and to help you forgive yourself and let go of your teenage mistake…a mistake that has corroded your life like a malignancy.

stormstormgoaway · 21/02/2022 18:29

My God, reading that summary, I wish you'd treated yourself to more one night stands! Many more. From now on, don't ever be with a man if you're not enjoying it, not enjoying life, not feeling free.

Sorchamarie · 21/02/2022 18:41

@frizzo9

I think you are being very hard on yourself.

However, unlike many here I think you should tell him. Not to make it his problem, but because truth is always better, in relationships, and around issues like this.

Not with abusive people! Which it really sounds like he was (and likely still is, unless he's done a lot of work on himself). My friend told her ex after they broke up that she'd cheated. He hated her with a passion from then on and it RUINED their co-parenting relationship, which had a massive negative effect on her child. Don't risk this happening to your child. Work on forgiving yourself and healing from your romantic relationship, which should stay well and truly in the past.
Original poster
Mam576 · 21/02/2022 21:52

I am re-reading all your posts thank you for all of the advice.

OP posts:
Peachtoiletpaper · 21/02/2022 22:24

Don't tell him. You were a kid in a new relationship. However the revelation would be new to him, and he has suggested that he would respond violently, or at least very negatively. Don't put yourself at risk of that. It could ruin the good co-parenting relationship you have, or he would use it to bully you if you got together again. He wouldn't just forgive easily from what you've said.

I don't believe you should get back together. You sound very intelligent and clear eyed about how things are but have blown this event from 14 years ago out of all proportion I think based on what he has said about cheaters. Not saying it was your finest hour but it was once when you were 18. You didn't make a habit of it. You're not a cheater now.

I think engaging in therapy would be a really positive move. Your friend sounds very well meaning but I think her advice here is poor.

CrumpetStrumpet · 21/02/2022 22:35

Please don't tell him. I've read your thread and I believe this man could be a danger to you if he found out.

Do not get back together with this man. He is controlling and possessive and you will never be happy with him. I hope you manage to access counseling to help you work though things. Please forgive yourself for your past. You were only 18 and teenagers all do silly things. You have nothing to feel guilty forFlowers

me4real · 21/02/2022 23:32

This sounds like a classic toxic/abusive relationship @Mam576 . Healthy relationships aren't as much of a rollar coaster.

He said a while ago that anybody who cheats deserves to get beat up

Hell no! Regardless of the cheating, this means he thinks there are circumstances where it's ok for someone to beat their partner. You say you know he won't hit you, but he's said he thinks it's ok for a man to do.

deeplyrooted · 22/02/2022 07:46

Have you ever considered that the impulse you had at 18, briefly away from his influence, might have been your true, joyous self?

What might your life have been like if she had been given free reign to develop and mature?

That’s the life that’s worth grieving op.

Do read and learn about trauma bonding. The feelings are so strong but when you understand them it helps resist them.

Your friend, trainee counsellor or not, is a twit.

Don’t put a good comparenting relationship at risk.

The forgiveness, compassion and understanding you crave needs to come from yourself.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 22/02/2022 09:16

@Mam576

My friend who is training to be a counsellor originally said not to tell him. However, she then said it would help me to move forward with my life if I did tell him ,as it was getting everything out in the open and allowing me to move on with the next chapter of my life. However, after posting here near enough everybody has said to not tell him and this is what I originally was leaning towards.
Does she know what he was like? I hope not, that's really bad advice if she does. He's controlling and jealous and thinks people who have affairs should be beaten up. There is absolutely no way telling him would give you closure because he would hold it over you for the rest of your life. Every mean thing he did or said would be twisted and justified because you 'cheated' on him. That would be best case scenario. He could twist this and use it to try and damage your relationship with your DD, like his Dad did with him. Yes what you did wasn't ok, but it's not on a par with cheating in a long term relationship or as an adult or married with DC. It's a different degree and even if it wasn't that wouldn't mean you'd deserve the treatment he would hand out if you told him.
Original poster
Mam576 · 22/02/2022 13:31

@deeplyrooted I like the way you have reframed the situation I need to keep reframing it.

I agree that compassion has to come from myself not any external places. And it has been a struggle to get to an amicable relationship with Co-parenting. But it is amicable now (although because I’ve not said yes I want to talk to him he will probably be little ‘off’ when he picks DD up later - but I can deal with that). So I can’t let this affect DD and I think if he knows this is always going to handy over with me. But if I can learn to forgive myself, see counsellor etc I can work through it and then put it in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mam576 · 22/02/2022 13:32
  • be hanging
OP posts:
Snowdon564 · 22/02/2022 13:35

It was years ago, you was only together for 3 months at that point, it was just a one night stand. Honestly you have let this consume you when it’s not that big of a deal, I would have forgot about this years ago!
You wasn’t to know he was going to stick around and you have children together, for all you knew he could have been shagging half the island himself!! It was a young relationship and you was just girlfriend and boyfriend starting out, that’s all.

WetLookKnitwear · 22/02/2022 14:04

I think you’re being far too hard on yourself.

Original poster
Mam576 · 23/02/2022 23:30

I’ve reached out to a counsellor now who has availability mid-March to help. It seems far away but it’s good to know there’s a date booked in.

Ex has been really difficult, he messaged to say that I’ve mad a t*t out of him because I didn’t respond to I want to talk (I.e let’s get back together chat). Today he said he couldn’t have DD while I was working even though he has in the past during half term. I told him I was only working until 1 and I would be straight back as we had day booked with friends. Rushed back from work to get to his house and no car there, he then text and said DD was in Wales and she wouldn’t be home til 8 and his sister (never dropped her off before) would be dropping her off. So had to cancel day booked with DDs friends and missed out seeing her when I planned quality time at half term with her.

Feel rubbish tonight knowing that because he’s annoyed he’s going to start making life really difficult.

OP posts:
me4real · 24/02/2022 00:01

because he’s annoyed he’s going to start making life really difficult.

@Mam576 This is the person he is- keep this in mind and please don't get back with him or tell him anything he can use against you or get in a strop about.

He needs keeping at a distance, permanently. I think i'td be best if you just be formal, stick to essential stuff about your DC only and the bare minimum of involvement with him.

MsDogLady · 24/02/2022 04:06

OP, he clearly has not changed. He is still abusive, controlling and punitive. You’d be very wise to go Low Contact and restrict communication to information/arrangements regarding DD.

Lizzy1980 · 24/02/2022 04:53

You really shouldn’t be beating yourself up about something that happened so long ago, you were very young. I don’t think you should tell your ex. You’ve said he’s controlling, what if he reacts badly? If you do get back together he could and probably will use it against you. You’ll be giving him ammunition, especially when he sees how riddled with guilt you are. If he decides that he doesn’t want to get back with you after hearing what you did he could still use it against you. He could tell your daughter and try to turn her against you or keep bringing it up every time you have a disagreement.
I really don’t think telling him is likely to have any positive outcome. I don’t even think it will make you feel better, it may in the short term but before long I’m fairly sure you’ll regret it. At the end of the day it’s something you did a long time ago when you were very young and your relationship with him was very new.

illyawasthebest · 24/02/2022 06:21

Ride it out OP.

From now on he's just your total prick of an ex.

The only thing you ever discuss is arrangements on your daughter, and these need to be firm not flexible anymore.

Low contact, stay calm and "grey rock".

That therapy will come up fast: start writing things down. Lots of things. Things you want to say, to explore, things you're worried about.