Huge mistake

[Mam576]

I’ve already posted about this about a month or so ago (however NC) but my head is none the clearer.

I have 6 year old DD was in relationship with her dad for 10years since I was 18. Very turbulent relationship. I left 3 years ago now, however we’re still good friends.

I have hidden something from him which has destroyed me for 14 years. When I was 18 I went on a girls holiday and I had one night stand. We were 3 months into our relationship. I didn’t know that we were going to be together and have a child. This guilt and pain escalated and I felt very (and still do) guilty, unworthy, lost a lot of weight, lot of sleep, have suffered mentally.

We got close over Xmas and he told me he has feelings and can we talk. I have massively distanced myself because when we split up I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Then when we started to spend time together over Christmas as much as I loved being around him, I am now feeling huge guilt. It’s affecting my ability to function. Family have commented on how down and different I feel I just shrug it off and say I’m just overloaded at work.

Broke down and told close friend couple of weeks ago and she said to sit him down and tell him about what happened. I do have feelings for him. But I feel like I can’t act on these feelings because of my past. Feel so low and upset and hating myself and this situation. She said I need to tell him for me so I can move forward with my life and put this behind me.

You knew he was going to be like this. Much better to have an arsehole ex than an arsehole partner. Keep on doing what you’re doing. It’s only 2 weeks to mid March! Great you’re booked in. Hats off to you.

You said at times I use to lie in bed and dread the future with him and know that there must be a different life

Why would you want to go back there again?

Everything you've said screams to me that you shouldn't be with him. He controlled you, was jealous, tried to stop you doing things, he's messing you around now. You felt relief when you split up. No good would come from getting back together with him. In fact you would be in a much worse position, as - once you'd realised all the old problems were still there - you would have to go through another breakup (very disruptive for your children), or stay unhappily with him forever.

You've trurned him in to something he isn't in your head.

He's showing you now that he doesn't respect you and wants to control you.

You cheated once, when you were 18 and had been together 3 months. Not great behaviour no, but you weren't committed at that stage, and it was a long time ago. You regret it and wouldn't do it again. Telling him won't do anything other than upset your co-parenting relationship. Plus he sounds like the type who would use it against you forever.

Good gosh no don't tell him. He will use it as a stick to beat you with. And if he is controlling then he shouldn't be in your life anyway.

Seriously op, you were 18 and it was a one off. Its not a big deal. Abusers have a way of making us feel like our transgressions make us horrible people. Of making us feel that they can do.all manner of horrible things and should be forgiven instantly. But that we make one mistake and we should be penalised forever.

Neither is the case.
You were a young thing who made one mistake. Big deal. Stop beating yourself up. I wonder if that one mistake has made you tolerate stuff you shouldn't for years?

You aren't a bad person.
And the only person you need to forgive is yourself. Until you learn to forgive yourself and love yourself, you'll always be torn up. Don't look to people who cause you pain to heal your pain, it'll never happen.

You need to heal yourself.

Well at least you know it's not a good idea to get back with him.

This is who he really is, you need to keep this in mind- when you feel as though you might want to get back with him.

@Mam576

I’ve reached out to a counsellor now who has availability mid-March to help. It seems far away but it’s good to know there’s a date booked in.

Ex has been really difficult, he messaged to say that I’ve mad a t*t out of him because I didn’t respond to I want to talk (I.e let’s get back together chat). Today he said he couldn’t have DD while I was working even though he has in the past during half term. I told him I was only working until 1 and I would be straight back as we had day booked with friends. Rushed back from work to get to his house and no car there, he then text and said DD was in Wales and she wouldn’t be home til 8 and his sister (never dropped her off before) would be dropping her off. So had to cancel day booked with DDs friends and missed out seeing her when I planned quality time at half term with her.

Feel rubbish tonight knowing that because he’s annoyed he’s going to start making life really difficult.

I think you should tell him that you don’t want to get back together. Categorically. So, there’s no discussion to be had.

Then proceed from there. The on/off/maybe element of this is clearly unhelpful to you and your mental health. And you know that pursuing this relationship is an incredibly bad idea.

Thank you all I keep re-reading these messages and they’re really helping.