Partner threatens to leave me every time we argue

[hadenough85]

Is this normal behaviour? When we argue he always defaults to "I've had enough of this, I'm leaving". He maintains this for several hours sometimes days after the argument. I suggest talking, he responds with "what's the point, there's nothing to talk about". Eventually he calms and admits he overreacted and he won't leave. We have a 10 month old baby. Every time he does it I'm just on edge wondering when he's going to do it again.

I've NC but regular poster

I'm sorry but for me, I would let him go. It sounds like you would be better on your own rather than living with that hanging over you

This is not normal behaviour. It is very immature, even cruel of him to threaten to leave at every upset. I also don't think it's normal to argue on such a frequent basis that there is such a recognisable pattern/script. Sorry I don't have any advice for you, and I'm sorry things are not good for you.

The next time he says it you should agree. I'd tell him, Yep. Off you fuck. I'm absolutely done with this emotional blackmail and the threats to leave. This was one time too many, pal and the choice is no longer yours. I'm finished with you so pack a bag, go away and we'll arrange contact with DC and the maintenance you'll be paying through a solicitor.

And mean it for God's sake.

Help him pack.

Thanks everyone. I knew it wasn't normal behaviour deep down. I don't know what to do. I'm terrified to be alone. And when we don't argue things are good and he's a good dad. He just responds in an extreme way to disagreements which is to just throw the whole thing away instead of stepping back and calming down etc.

It’s coercion… he’s basically saying, don’t argue, go along with everything I say or I’m leaving.

Only… he never does as he’s onto too good a thing.

Two choices. Call his bluff, or put up with it in the long term.

This is not normal. It is totally manipulative and puts him in control.
You get to control your own story. Call his bluff and help him pack. You deserve better.

Good dads don't regularly threaten to leave rather than being adult or decent enough to have a mature discussion.

Good dads don't make the mother of their baby feel shit, insecure and unsupported.

In what way is he a good dad? I really think you should consider that question. Really think about it.

Who does he just assume would care for his child if he actually did fuck off for a few days? You. Absolutely you.

When people get angry all rationality goes out of the window.

It is a toxic behaviour but people don't always realise that when in the throes of anger and sometimes these things just need pointing out. That's part of helping each other grow.

I had a friend who did this type of thing. She's not a bad person at all but she used to pack her partner's bags during an argument and I said you cannot do that type of thing if you don't mean it!

Anyway. When you are both calm and made up, you need to tell him "you need to stop doing that it's not healthy for our relationship."

Give him a chance once you've had a proper talk about it, then go from there.

If he wants to resolve conflict better rather than reacting extremely could you ask him whether it might be worth him exploring it in therapy?

And when we don't argue things are good and he's a good dad

Don’t delude yourself
Good dads don’t threaten to leave like that

Oh he totally knows what he is doing.

He's an abusive controlling dickhead, and you need to get away, for your baby's sake.

I'm terrified to be alone.

And he knows, which is why he does it. So you won't disagree with him.

I suggest at a calm moment you tell him that you dislike it, and you won't put up with it, and ask him to only say it in future if he really wants to leave. And then he needs to leave.

'Go on then'. That's what you say next time. Followed by 'you still here?' if he tries to continue the argument. I know this sounds harsh and counter intuitive but it's the way to call him on this. He will then either go or try to back down without backing down. I recommend saying 'let's talk about this when we're both calm. Until then you do what you need to do'. The point is not to beg him to stay as he clearly wants you to. Change that dynamic and you'll be getting somewhere.

It’s classic controlling behaviour to keep you in line. And it works for him.

Unless you break the cycle by calling his bluff it won’t change. So you only have one choice here which is to call his bluff and stand by it.
Given time he will see his threats don’t work. If not this really is a lost cause.

I think people learn toxic behaviour like this sometimes from their parents.
He can't communicate properly. Tell him you're going to book some relationship counselling because he needs help to change this cruel behaviour.

If he said ‘behave how I want you too or I’ll leave you and you’ll be all alone’ would you see what a dick he is.

He’s controlling. Bullying. He knows this is a fear and he’s playing on it.

See about couple therapy type stuff or ask him to get help for his emotional management techniques so he can communicate with you and his child in healthier ways.

How will your child feel growing up hearing daddy threaten that every time there’s an arguement. That’s massively unhealthy for a child and could utterly fuck them up.

My ex did it to me one time too often. I told him to crack on and to take suitcases out the loft and did he need a hand..

Women are fucking awesome and we are capable of so much on our own two feet. A partner should complement us and make life even better. Not complete us as if we are r good enough when we are single. We are awesome all by ourselves.

This man needs to sort out his shit. This is not a healthy or acceptable behaviour.

Single folk pity
Those who fear to be alone
Don’t let fear rule you

My dad did this to my mum, he used to go so far as to pack his bags and leave it in the hallway, the first time this happened myself and 3 siblings were very distressed, but se became immune to it after a while. My dad was not happy being married and I don’t think he enjoyed being a father, but my mum clung onto him. If you have children you need to consider how they feel, my parents argued in front of us but even when they thought we were out of earshot we still heard.

At a minimum it’s a complete lack of conflict resolution skills.

At worst, it’s controlling and manipulative.

At best it’s immature at worst, it’s a tactic he employs to manipulate you into STFU. Whatever the excuse, it’s not on. He either grows the fuck up or fucks the fuck off.

You’re a parent now and your relationship is a terrible environment to raise a child in. Stop trying to understand him and start valuing yourself more by recognising your unhealthy relationship dynamic.

You can’t change him.

Emotional coercion

It's behaviour that's designed to control you.