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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner threatens to leave me every time we argue

103 replies

hadenough85 · 20/02/2022 22:15

Is this normal behaviour? When we argue he always defaults to "I've had enough of this, I'm leaving". He maintains this for several hours sometimes days after the argument. I suggest talking, he responds with "what's the point, there's nothing to talk about". Eventually he calms and admits he overreacted and he won't leave. We have a 10 month old baby. Every time he does it I'm just on edge wondering when he's going to do it again.

OP posts:
DogsAndGin · 22/02/2022 07:50

Sounds like he needs therapy - did he have an abusive childhood/watch a parent walk out on him?

BananaPlants · 22/02/2022 07:52

Ah, only just saw your update OP about him being awful the next morning and talking to you like shit… that sounds like a lot more than just losing it in the heat of the moment. My DH was always remorseful within an hour or so, just needed to calm down and be able to have the conversation in a more adult fashion.

ZedMammy · 22/02/2022 08:01

Is there a close friend or family member you can confide in? So you have some support while you figure things out.

You can talk to Women’s Aid about support available as I’m sure this falls under emotional abuse.

Take care of yourself xx

Rueeeeeeeeee · 22/02/2022 08:11

Could he have a mental health disorder? I used to do this with DH but that's because I genuinely thought it was over and I was diagnosed with BPD

HelpMeHiveMind · 22/02/2022 08:20

Just to give the flipside, I know that I am guilty of this. As other posters have said, in the heat of an argument all rationality goes out the window. I don't ever do it to intentionally control my DH but ultimately that is what I'm doing - I get very wound up, panic and it's my go to ultimate exasperation phrase like the major phrase to say "just listen to me for God's sake". Of course, it doesn't work like that. The more someone does this, the more boring and diluted it becomes so the partner doesn't take it seriously any more and even becomes - rightly- annoyed with it, as you have. I'm well aware that one day my DH will turn around and say 'Just go then", and so he should. I've tried very hard to stop doing it anymore as I realise it's empty words and ineffective ultimately, but it is a learned and ingrained behaviour so sometimes it does still slip out. Is your partner fully aware that they do this, and do they have any appetite to stop? It could be that they actually know it's wrong and feel bad but it's hard to break the habit.

HelpMeHiveMind · 22/02/2022 08:21

Also just saw your update - sounds like this is a bigger issue if he's generally unpleasant to you OP

Houstonjane · 22/02/2022 09:32

He is playing on your fears of being alone. He knows exactly what he is doing.
He is nasty, controlling and manipulative. He knows how to make you back down.
When things are calm, this needs to be thoroughly discussed. I suggest counselling on your own and maybe together.

Chippingin2 · 22/02/2022 10:15

I agree that this is abusive, threatening behaviour, but it might be one he's learned and can unlearn.

To my shame, this is how I acted in relationships in my 20s. I learned it from home and of course you reenact it.

I've had a lot of therapy and been in relationships with men with very strong boundaries - but who knew my history and talked to me about why that wasn't normal or ok.

I would never, ever do that kind of shit now.

Rooting for you x

Houstonjane · 22/02/2022 10:49

This tactic was used on me by an abusive husband. I was so exhausted, beaten down, had so little confidence. I was also codependent and trauma bonded. It worked every time, I backed down, when he threatened me with divorce or leaving. I too was scared of being alone. Now I know it is better to be alone, than with a shit bag.
Now I am healing, I look back and cringe, that he could twist me around his little finger. He knew exactly which of my buttons to press.
He used every one of my weaknesses against me.
This is a very unhealthy dynamic in your relation ship, it needs to be addressed and he needs to stop doing it. Have a calm discussion with him about it and how it makes you feel.
Work on your own confidence, get counselling on your own and may be together.
Remember you are worth a lot, do not let any one make you feel that you are not.

2DogsOnMySofa · 22/02/2022 11:08

Your self esteem is bartered because you don't know if you're coming or going, and have no security in him or in the relationship because he's constantly keeping you walking on egg shells by threats to leave. This is the actions of a man that cares for you

Isitreallyme0077 · 22/02/2022 13:22

@hadenough85 my self esteem was shot, I honestly thought I deserved what I got thrown at me (literally some times). I don't believe your OH has a mental health problem or needs therapy, he'll use that as an excuse anyway. He's a bully who is playing on your fear of being alone and your low self esteem. I used to beg him to change his mind and promise that I'd change(I'd done nothing wrong other than say no to taking out a loan on the house, or asking him to help around the house). I look back now and think what the fuck was I doing, where was your self respect woman.

WTF475878237NC · 22/02/2022 21:35

I'm so sorry. I suggested a timeline to give you an end date but no need to wait! Lots of support is out there to end this now.

MadForBurpees · 23/02/2022 07:49

OP he's winning this. I'm a survivor of two LT relationships which were a total head fuck and I'm ashamed to say I stood for the five card trick. Never again tho - use your feelings to promote yourself into action. No person should be treated like this. He's making you think your value is related to him being there. If only he would just fuck off you'd see you are a strong and resourceful person who needs to take no shit from anyone.

wingscrow · 23/02/2022 08:21

He is manipulating and guilt-tripping you. Call his bluff.

I would actually take the initiative and kick him out.

You should be able to concentrate on your baby, not have to deal with the tantrum of a man child...

UserBotLurking9to5 · 23/02/2022 08:24

He wants you to accept there is one perspective. HIS.

HE IS TRAINING YOU.

Manipulated · 12/05/2022 02:33

My girlfriend breaks up every time an argument escalates whenever she refuses to be held accountable for anything. She quickly turns victim and blames me for everything thats gone wrong. One day she says she can’t imagine her life without me and she’s never loved anyone as much as she does me and the next day can be an argument. She leaves and says we are not compatible and our lives are heading in different directions and That it’s best to part ways. If I try and talk to her about it, she ignores my calls or texts and says I somehow sealed the deal. She has left for over a month 2x now. She left again Easter weekend. I’m not speaking to her at all. She has ended things with me a total of 5 times. She regrets it when I stop chasing her and reaches out with an apology usually and wants to change but doesn’t do the work or talk to her psychiatrist. Is this a complete lost cause? I’m broken-hearted all over again bit o refuse to contact her anymore. I called her out on all of it so of course it had to end. I stand up to her now and she doesn’t like it

Invased · 12/05/2022 03:41

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AccessibleVoid · 12/05/2022 04:18

Several times during arguments my husband has signed on to the "get a divorce" page on gov.uk only to click out saying "HOW MUCH?" when he saw the price.

Anyway if you don't want to leave over this or go to therapy or whatever else I find a well placed eye roll is satisfying even if not always effective. "Sure sure, see you in a few days" in a nice dismissive tone of voice is good to.

Pickabearanybear · 12/05/2022 04:50

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Chessie91 · 07/12/2024 20:34

Feel ashamed having to come on here but I have no friends, so I work 2 night shifts a week and when I'm at work my husband goes on xbox and talks to women on there and he lied to me and said they were his mates girlfriend's, I found out they weren't so I obviously wasn't happy about it and he said I'm sick of living like this I want a divorce to the point silly me is saying sorry. I'm now worried he will divorce me and he will not help me with my children so i can work so will also have to give up my job.

Ginkypig · 07/12/2024 21:11

Chessie91 · 07/12/2024 20:34

Feel ashamed having to come on here but I have no friends, so I work 2 night shifts a week and when I'm at work my husband goes on xbox and talks to women on there and he lied to me and said they were his mates girlfriend's, I found out they weren't so I obviously wasn't happy about it and he said I'm sick of living like this I want a divorce to the point silly me is saying sorry. I'm now worried he will divorce me and he will not help me with my children so i can work so will also have to give up my job.

@Chessie91

you need to start your own thread so that your post is seen properly and you get the right advice.

by adding it here lots of people will just scroll by because it’s not relevant to the person who started this thread.

lots of people only look at the posts by the person who started the thread and respond to those so your posts will get lost on here.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/12/2024 21:13

Simple

bye bye, shall I help you pack.

WinterSunglasses · 07/12/2024 21:42

Chessie91 · 07/12/2024 20:34

Feel ashamed having to come on here but I have no friends, so I work 2 night shifts a week and when I'm at work my husband goes on xbox and talks to women on there and he lied to me and said they were his mates girlfriend's, I found out they weren't so I obviously wasn't happy about it and he said I'm sick of living like this I want a divorce to the point silly me is saying sorry. I'm now worried he will divorce me and he will not help me with my children so i can work so will also have to give up my job.

@Chessie91 in case you come back here. If you start a new thread link it here. That doesn't sound good. Can you talk to your boss about moving to days, so then if he makes this threat again you can tell him to just go? You and your kids would get on fine without him.

Chessie91 · 07/12/2024 21:52

My shifts are 7 till half 7 so even on days I have noone to help me at all no family or friends I'm literally stuck I have created my own post but new to these so getting confused

addictedtolove022 · 07/12/2024 21:58

No it isn’t normal. My abusive ex used to do this, even going as far as packing up his and his kids things and driving off, leaving me distraught trying to find him. They do it so they have the upper hand. You’ll apologise for everything and anything just so they’ll come back - so then it’s all your fault.
Its abusive behaviour and he needs to be held accountable.
Good luck whatever you decide to do 💐