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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner threatens to leave me every time we argue

103 replies

hadenough85 · 20/02/2022 22:15

Is this normal behaviour? When we argue he always defaults to "I've had enough of this, I'm leaving". He maintains this for several hours sometimes days after the argument. I suggest talking, he responds with "what's the point, there's nothing to talk about". Eventually he calms and admits he overreacted and he won't leave. We have a 10 month old baby. Every time he does it I'm just on edge wondering when he's going to do it again.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 21/02/2022 10:02

Aye, let him go.

GotToPickAPocketorTwo · 21/02/2022 10:03

It's not good enough

GotToPickAPocketorTwo · 21/02/2022 10:05

Agree with those who say he isn't good father at all and that he's training you never to disagree with him.

It's not good for the baby to be around all these arguments and his moods, so you really do need to show him the door.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 21/02/2022 10:07

I’m in the off you fuck then camp.

Threats are not healthy. Threats are not loving. Living on the edge is not good for you or the little one.

I have found that being alone is not so bad compared to the alternative.

Passtherioja · 21/02/2022 10:23

What do you do? Do you beg him to stay? Promise to change? Pander to him? Ignore him? He's looking for a reaction...mine would be to wave him goodbye

OpinionatedToday · 21/02/2022 10:40

My OH can be like this particularly when he's in the wrong.

I point him in the direction of the door, remind him to leave the front door keys on the table when he leaves and get on with my day

It's manipulative, immature behaviour but I've found that by cheerfully calling his bluff he's (almost) stopped doing it

Milomonster · 21/02/2022 12:28

Have a bag packed for him and tell the bastard to fuck off. He is controlling you through emotional manipulation and it will only increase your anxiety. This is not a good place to be. I agree with others who say call his bluff. You need to find your strength in this - not easy but you have to try. Flowers

2DogsOnMySofa · 21/02/2022 13:37

Next time he says it, tell him you'll help him pack, walk upstairs, put his stuff in a bag, give it to him and say to him 'don't let the door hit you on the way out'

He's emotionally abusing you, he's using this to control you. You'll end up walking on eggshells and stop having an opinion, because you're afraid he'll leave

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/02/2022 13:44

I'd say goodbye then.
I couldn't live with someone whose communication skills are so poor they have to resort to this everytime.
Do you want to look back on your DCs babyhood and childhood and just see this instead of the happy times.

Original poster
hadenough85 · 21/02/2022 13:45

Thanks everyone. I am reading and digesting your replies. I will respond properly later.

OP posts:
SarahDarah · 21/02/2022 18:07

What do you argue about @hadenough85?

Fireflygal · 21/02/2022 18:15

Do you resolve arguments after he has calmed down? If not then he could be using this as a tactic to "win".

However some people need to leave to calm down and that's acceptable if it's time limited and the partner knows discussions will resume. Threatening to leave the relationship isn't healthy.

If he's prepared to work on this then he can change his reactions. Does he suggest he wants to change?

catfunk · 21/02/2022 18:25

It's coercive control. Which is abusive and illegal. Don't fall for it, tell him to fuck of and don't come back.

barbrahunter · 21/02/2022 18:30

I'm another who had an ex like this, OP. As others have said, it gets so bloody boring. I used to be shocked and beg to know what I had done, and couldn't we just talk about it...until...
One day, he threatened to leave and divorce me and I said 'good, I've had enough of this shit'. Took me a long time to finally get rid but I was so happy when he eventually left. I agree with others, it is manipulation and control.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 21/02/2022 18:38

If you can get over your fear of being alone, then this isn't a threat.
There's nothing wrong with being single. Nothing.
If his threat has no meaning, perhaps he will stop.

Or, more likely, he will ramp it up to find your next terror - "I will leave and take the baby" is my guess.

Fine. Let him leave him. Let him take the baby. He'll back down because all of these "good dads" really have no interest in the 24/7 relentless child care that women do. They're just using fear to control you. They just have to locate your fear point.

Have no fear.

At some point you will realize he's a horrible person and separate.

buttercrumbs123 · 21/02/2022 19:29

I do something similar to this unfortunately

When I'm really upset I say I'm thinking of leaving my partner to him, I say it because I'm angry and because I'm hurt and I feel out of control

I don't prolong it for days though, it usually just in the heat of the moment

I have a 12mo old baby

Jellybean23 · 21/02/2022 20:09

Don't put up with it. Go and fetch the case for him. You need to shake his confidence and make him realise that when he goes too far, you don't want him with you any more.

At the moment, he believes you want him to stay with you whatever he says and that gives him the upper hand. Time to turn the tables.

Original poster
hadenough85 · 22/02/2022 06:49

So this morning he is being awful.
I said last night I don't want to share a bed with him as I'm sick of it all. I made him sleep in spare room. He overslept for work and took it out on me, speaking to me like shit. My stomach is churning. I can't take anymore

OP posts:
Isitreallyme0077 · 22/02/2022 07:02

Mine used to do this, in the end I stopped begging him to stay. Then he said it one last time and I said well let's get divorced then. He didn't expect that. 4 years later I'm much happier single and I never could imagine that I would get through it but I have.

NameGoesHere · 22/02/2022 07:04

He’s not a good partner and NOT a good dad. Leave him. You can’t spend the rest of your life living like this, it will only get worse.

Original poster
hadenough85 · 22/02/2022 07:10

I want to leave but I don't know where to start. My self esteem is just battered. I've had enough. Sad

OP posts:
SillyLittleBiscuit · 22/02/2022 07:11

You don’t have to take anymore. Imagine how nice it’d be not having to walk on eggshells to appease a sulky bully.

Newestname002 · 22/02/2022 07:36

@hadenough85

I want to leave but I don't know where to start. My self esteem is just battered. I've had enough. Sad

Start with talking to Citizens Advice about your current situation and what benefits you are entitled to. What is your accommodation situation, ie: do you own property together, rent together etc.

Check www.entitledto.co.uk also.

BTW you are not his mother. If he's able to father a child he should be able to work out how to programme an alarm on his smartphone. 🌹

goodnightgrumble · 22/02/2022 07:38

My DP can be like this. I called his bluff and he packed his stuff. He was back in ten minutes apologising!

BananaPlants · 22/02/2022 07:48

My DH used to do when we had a big argument. A few times a year but it took its toll.

He genuinely was great in between though, just completely unable to communicate during conflict.

His mum is insane though, she regularly blows up at people - in the family and outside, whereas his dad is an angry sulker. My DH and his brother have both struggled a lot with their emotions as adults and have had extensive counselling.

I told my DH he could no longer hold the relationship to ransom and that it was really affecting the way I felt about him, at all times not just when arguing.

He took this seriously and went back to counselling. It doesn’t happen anymore. He did once storm out and go for a drive, and must have only driven around the block as he came back within about two minutes and apologised.

We don’t all come from functional backgrounds of have healthy coping mechanisms. The important thing is.. is he prepared to admit that his behaviour is wrong and to work on this, as in really taking action and asking for outside help? Not just saying he will stop it.

Only you know how the rest of your relationship is and if he has the humility to really look at himself