Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner threatens to leave me every time we argue

103 replies

hadenough85 · 20/02/2022 22:15

Is this normal behaviour? When we argue he always defaults to "I've had enough of this, I'm leaving". He maintains this for several hours sometimes days after the argument. I suggest talking, he responds with "what's the point, there's nothing to talk about". Eventually he calms and admits he overreacted and he won't leave. We have a 10 month old baby. Every time he does it I'm just on edge wondering when he's going to do it again.

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 21/02/2022 04:29

He's not a good dad.
He's a shite dad.

You need to get past your fear of not having a man.
You'd be better off on your own but I fear it will be decades before you realise that.

user1481840227 · 21/02/2022 04:59

Have you spoke to him about this when you're not arguing?

WTF475878237NC · 21/02/2022 05:10

I would handle this by talking to him, when you're both calm and having a good day. I would explain that threatening to end the relationship is actually eroding trust and connection and therefore it will, over time, actually cause your relationship to end. I would ask him to think about developing other coping strategies for his emotions in the moment when he feels angry or overwhelmed (as an example) so that he does not keep doing this. Then I would review when the baby is 18 months, as he'll need some time change things. If he doesn't, you have to leave him.

user1481840227 · 21/02/2022 05:37

Absolutely no chance would I have that conversation @WTF475878237NC and then allow another 8 months before reviewing.

Changes have to start immediately.

If he is unable to implement the changes immediately then he should leave and perhaps when he can cope better emotionally he can ask the OP for another chance if she wants that.

But at the moment this behaviour is abusive, it doesn't matter if it is intentional or not because the effect is still the same.

BennieAndBert · 21/02/2022 06:21

It’s a way to control you- if his response to any row is to threaten to leave, and he knows you don’t want this, it’s a way to shut you up. You can never feel secure enough in the relationship to stick to your guns as he’ll always pull out the threat of leaving.

What happens if you just let him leave?

BOOTS52 · 21/02/2022 06:28

It is immature and cruel and it is the same as the silent treatment and is not healthy as has you walking on eggshells and then afraid to discuss anything. Please talk to him or write it down in a letter and say that he has to be able to talk and not just say he is leaving as this will make you so insecure and you will lose all your confidence. He must have seen this growing up and does not know how to talk or else he is controlling. Nip it in the bud now before it gets worse, tell him it is normal and actually healthy to have small arguments and to be able to talk about things and listen to each other. Hope things work out but do not be silenced or else he is bullying you into silence. Congrats on the baby.

gonnascreamsoon · 21/02/2022 06:30

He wins every single 'fight', because he pulls THAT stunt ?

You MUST stand firm ! You are now a parent, and that 'trumps' all ffs !

How is your DC going to feel, when EVERY single time you have a 'row' about anything, his response is always ''I've had enough ! So I'm leaving !'

And every single time, YOU fail to protect your DC from that emotional abuse !

It's got to STOP.

YOU need to stop it, by saying ''OK, off you go ! But you better be prepared to NEVER return, cos that's what WILL happen, because now I'VE had ENOUGH !''

Supersee · 21/02/2022 06:31

Can we have a sticky at the top of the relationships board that men who treat the mother of their child/ren like shit aren't 'a good dad'. Sick of seeing this line time and time again.

BG2015 · 21/02/2022 06:33

I think this often stems from insecurity. He needs you to say "oh no, please don't leave me" and to reaffirm your love and commitment to him.

Does he lack in self esteem? You really need to sit him down and talk to him about this and how it's damaging your relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2022 06:36

This is deliberate. He does this to shut you up, and it works, doesn't it? He's a controlling, immature twat.

AndAsIfByMagic · 21/02/2022 06:38

Next time help him pack. This will be the rest of your life if you don't dump the bully.

Buildingthefuture · 21/02/2022 07:02

He’s escalating the argument to regain control. It’s a standard tactic of an insecure man. My DH tried it years ago, before we were married. The first time I was floored, the second time I pointed out that the door wasn’t locked, I wasn’t stopping him and if he thought he could do better, be my fucking guest. He never did it again. I would suggest you see a therapist, both alone and together and also that you build a life for yourself away from your DH to combat your fear of being alone.

Shoxfordian · 21/02/2022 07:06

Tell him that he’s free to leave and in fact it’s a good idea because you’ve had enough of his emotional manipulation

Anniegetyourgun76 · 21/02/2022 07:14

Years ago before we were married my DH used to do this, until one day I packed his bag and told him he should go as I didn't think our relationship was saveable (and I meant it) and I'd be better off single. He begged for another chance and in 15 years he's never done it again x

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 21/02/2022 07:17

This was my ex, it was so boring in the end . He said it one morning ( when asked to get up with his kids ) so I said good just go I've actually had enough of you.
He was a bit shocked and it was hard to actually get him to leave - but 4 years on I've never looked back

thenewduchessoflapland · 21/02/2022 07:18

He's training you to never argue with him.It's manipulation.He wants a nice pliable little woman at home who'll do what he wants and never question him.

girlmom21 · 21/02/2022 07:27

@MadMadMadamMim

The next time he says it you should agree. I'd tell him, Yep. Off you fuck. I'm absolutely done with this emotional blackmail and the threats to leave. This was one time too many, pal and the choice is no longer yours. I'm finished with you so pack a bag, go away and we'll arrange contact with DC and the maintenance you'll be paying through a solicitor.

And mean it for God's sake.

This OP. The others are right. He's teaching you not to disagree with him. He's feeding on your vulnerabilities. He knows you're scared to be alone so he's using this to control you.
whiteworldgettingwhiter · 21/02/2022 07:29

It's emotional abuse, and shows how emotionally immature he is. This is his default position, and he doesn't have the self-awareness to examine his feelings and really think about how he's feeling; he jumps straight to his default because it upsets you and it means he gets out of discussing whatever you argued about.

I agree with others - call his bluff. Next time he does this, ask him to move out - and really mean it.

snowqu33n · 21/02/2022 07:39

You aren’t in control of whether he leaves or not. Even if you do everything he says all the time you can’t ever be sure he won’t leave.
Your peace of mind should not be contingent on his being there.
Even if he doesn’t leave, something could happen to him.
It’s time you sorted out your fallback plan so you don’t feel so vulnerable. Sort the practical things first.
It’s up to you to make sure your child will be okay even if your partner isn’t around, so see it as a safety net for you and your child.
You might find your relationship works better if you are on a more even footing. He might be stressed that you’re reliant on him.

ThackeryBinks · 21/02/2022 07:44

My ex was like this. I have come to see it as a form of control. It's a threat to keep you in check. I also think it's a warning sign of low empathy.

Keepitonthedownlow · 21/02/2022 07:46

You are not in control of his behaviour, if he wants to flounce, fine, come to terms with it. Don't let him use it as a stick to beat you with. It's sick how much he is manipulating you.

Also have you read up on attachment styles? I'll find a link. If you have an insecure attachment style you need someone who is secure and reassuring or else you will always feel on edge. Has he got the emotional maturity to be that person? If not, then don't hand him your emotions to be a toy for him to play with. Flowers

Keepitonthedownlow · 21/02/2022 07:48

www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

cptartapp · 21/02/2022 07:48

Tell him to go then. And ask him which half of every week he'll want 24/7 sole care of his child. That'll soon shut him up.

Roselilly36 · 21/02/2022 07:53

What an awful way to be living OP, you must feel very stressed by his behaviour.

I had a friend who was always threatening her husband with divorce etc, if he didn’t do this or that, it wasn’t a happy marriage. A few years after we stopped being friends, I heard from a 3rd party that he had left her and they were getting a divorce, she was devastated apparently. But her treatment of him was appalling, so I am not surprised to be honest. Everyone has their limit.

This behaviour is upsetting you and it has to stop. Good luck OP.

BlingLoving · 21/02/2022 10:01

For those hours or days where he's storming around, threatening to leave, refusing to talk.... does he act like he's already left? ie refuse to do his share of baby care/household tasks? Not attend activities or events that are planned etc?

I bet he does.

He's training you - don't argue with me because if you do I will a) threaten to leave and b) create an unpleasant atmosphere until you behave better.