DH and diabetes driving me mad!

[Justateweetabix]

My husband was diagnosed with diabetes about 8 years ago.
He's never taken it seriously and at every diabetic review has had a telling off from the nurse! He's promised to change his ways but nothing much has ever changed.
He's just had this years test results back. The nurse has told him his results are 'through the roof' and his cholesterol is 8.0 (very high).
He eats a lot of fatty food and stopped taking his statins about a year ago because they were giving him joint pain.
He's on the highest dose of metformin he can take.
I've just had enough. All I can see in my future is being widowed or being his carer. He's 8 years older than me and starting to look a bit ill and haggered.
He was given the results on Thursday. He bought a bottle of wine home on Thursday night and ate hot dogs out of a tin.
We had a long talk on Friday night about how he needs to make drastic changes and he agreed and promised.
Fast forward to yesterday, I caught him eating biscuits the kitchen, he'd had 3.Then for dinner he suggested getting a kfc!!
He just doesn't get it send I'm sick of being the food police 😒
And yes I know we shouldn't have these things in the house but we have a teenager. I don't buy puddings or chocolate. He eats his main meal at work and has now admitted that he eats a pudding there every day too.
I can only do so much. I cooked him a healthy dinner last night but he left the salad, just ate chicken and jacket potato.
Leaving is not really an option financially but it's what I feel like doing. Diabetes has already destroyed our sex life (inpotence) and it could destroy our lives too if he let's it ...
Sorry if this was long and rambling !

@T00Ts

If he carries on like this he’ll have a heart attack and a stroke to look forward to at worse, and blindness and amputated feet at best. How can he be such a complete fool?

@T00Ts This.

The good thing about the small DC @Justateweetabix is that at least it gives me a reason to get DP out of the house and doing some exercise - they have loads of energy to burn off, whereas he'd prefer to park himself on the sofa for hours at a time! Downside - I get very little time for myself

I'm guessing it's even harder to motivate your DP if he doesn't seem ill? I've had a private health MOT recently (awaiting the results), would he take that seriously if it found his very high blood sugar, possibly high risk of clogged arteries etc?

I'm not perfect by a very long way - have a couple of stone to lose myself - but I'm very active and am at least trying to do something about it, which makes it particularly frustrating when DP is making absolutely zero effort despite being way less fit than me!

Any luck getting through to your DH @Justateweetabix?

My DP has spent several hours over the weekend moaning about his health-related issues. He then took himself off to MIL's for her to fuss over him and cook him a massive roast dinner

@Justateweetabix @ClaraTheImpossibleGirl

Sympathies to you both they both sound absolutely infuriating. Sad as it is Justa I think your decision to leave him before you get sucked into becoming his carer (because of his own refusal to change anything) is correct. Clara your situation is even more frustrating has your DH watched fixing dad too? There is so much evidence out there now about reducing carbs and importantly losing about 10% body weight for reversing diabetes. The diabetes code by Dr J Fung is good to read as is Living without diabetes by Prof R Taylor it is also written in a much more readable style

@ClaraTheImpossibleGirl
Thanks for checking in. Not much change here. I've kind of switched off from it all for my own sanity! He went out for breakfast with his son over the weekend and had the biggest fry up on the menu. Apparently that was OK because he's taking statins now - hes been taking them for 2 days. We went out for dinner last night and he did the usual fuss about not 'being allowed' a pudding 😒
He's not checking his sugars anymore so no idea how he's doing.

www.diabetes.org.uk/diabetes-the-basics/types-of-diabetes/type-2

Easy to understand video about type 2 diabetes

www.diabetes.org.uk/your-stories/paul-laerty-remission

The link above is a Life story of someone dealing well with their diagnosis

I would leave now tbh. You would get more financially now from a divorce than if / when your joint money goes on his care home fees.

Honestly you will end up being his carer. We have family experience of this. He will end up kidney problems, heart problems, serious foot problems (so will lose mobility) and it can cause dementia as the high sugar levels damage the brain. If he isn't taking responsibility for this, having seen what I've seen, i would leave now and not have the rest of my life ruined by his poor health. His choices now (not to care for himself) could ruin your life for years ahead.

[quote Justateweetabix]@ClaraTheImpossibleGirl
Thanks for checking in. Not much change here. I've kind of switched off from it all for my own sanity! He went out for breakfast with his son over the weekend and had the biggest fry up on the menu. Apparently that was OK because he's taking statins now - hes been taking them for 2 days. We went out for dinner last night and he did the usual fuss about not 'being allowed' a pudding 😒
He's not checking his sugars anymore so no idea how he's doing.[/quote]
This all sounds absolutely infuriating, I would have so little respect for him apart altogether from anything else. He is neither a child nor recently diagnosed but is certainly acting like one or other is the case. In fact I know plenty of the former who have handled similar diagnoses with far greater maturity and self control and much less whinging.

Men that selfish and that place so little value on their life, won't be the least bit put out at imposing on the OP to be her carer.

He doesn't value his life or the quality of life he contributes to, of those around him.

He won't be told.

OP, it reads as if you are hesitant and perhaps drifting a bit.

The truth is, you undoubtedly will pay for this when his health inevitably goes tits up and everyone looks straight at you to be his carer forever.

It takes a lot to walk away after the event.

Far better to do it now and to put distance between you and the shitshow that is heading your way.

@Justateweetabix

It's very sad but you've done your best to help him. He's doesn't want your help.

Now you need to help yourself. Walk away before you become the default carer.

My patience would be exhausted by now @Justateweetabix, he's deliberately eating the worst foods to punish you for telling him to change and take control of his life. The "oh woe is me, I'd be happy to die of a heart attack" would piss me off so, so badly- yes, he could be depressed but he won't do anything about that either.
He won't act so you need to - pack your bags and walk away into the sunset- don't feel guilty, you've tried, really tried but you're on a hiding to nothing with this

Oh the martyrdom of "I'm not allowed", "I shouldn't have", "well I would but I'll get nagged at" etc @Justateweetabix...

Of course, two days of statins will more than mitigate the damage done by a massive fry up

DP's been given new diet information by the GP, I asked him to have a good look at it as I was (a) working and (b) collecting the DC from football camp (he wasn't doing the collecting as apparently childcare is optional on your days off ) - nope, he sat and watched crap TV then expected me to whizz up a dinner which matched his exact dietary requirements with no notice/ ingredients/ recipe. He then sulked because - as I was doing all the cooking, childcare and tidying up - I said he needed to look into it and tell me what he can eat, as I'm doing a big shop soon. Nope, he was far too busy watching more crap TV and scoffing all the DC's leftovers and why don't I just know exactly what he can and can't eat and how to accommodate this into meals straight away?!

@ClaraTheImpossibleGirl God you have my sympathy. Its like we are with the same man! He's been given so much information that he hasnt looked at then expected me to know!
He has more than once blamed me for his bad choices because I don't buy food that he can eat. I do, I eat fairly healthily so there are always healthy options in, he just wants the easy option.

He eats his main meal at work, often followed by pudding. Then just has a sandwich when he gets in.
He asked me to buy sugar free biscuits and low sugar snacks. He hasn't touched them
On the odd occasion he does buy food for the house its unhealthy - biscuits, white bread, sausage rolls etc.
He's also drinking more, he buys a bottle of wine on the way home.
I'm so done with it. He just drinks his wine, watches TV then goes to bed. I don't think he's even eaten or taken his metformin tonight but I'm sick of asking him if he has.
We spoke on Friday night and I told him how done I was and that I was seriously thinking of leaving. We spoke for a while and then he went to bed early, and since then has acted like nothing is wrong. I'm exhausted!

I mean this very very kindly OP, but you are not in a dissimilar position to him, in that only you can help and protect yourself.

Only you can recognise that your life and future has value.

That you deserve more than this.

I really hope you will find the strength to protect your future.

He will be a self inflicted invalid and you will be the full time carer. That's the reality. Maybe leaving him is not an option at the moment but you need to plan for it. He can wreck his own life if he wants to but shouldn't steal yours too.

@billy1966 and @Jellybean23 I've said the exact same thing to him. He can make his own choices but so can I. He knows that I don't want that life. Nothing I say gets through to him.

He will wind up dead if he carries on being so irresponsible and transitioning to insulin doesn't alleviate the risk, it increases it.

[quote Justateweetabix]**@billy1966* and @Jellybean23* I've said the exact same thing to him. He can make his own choices but so can I. He knows that I don't want that life. Nothing I say gets through to him.[/quote]
If words don't get through to him, actions are all you have left. You have to plan for leaving him.

[quote Justateweetabix]@ClaraTheImpossibleGirl God you have my sympathy. Its like we are with the same man! He's been given so much information that he hasnt looked at then expected me to know!
He has more than once blamed me for his bad choices because I don't buy food that he can eat. I do, I eat fairly healthily so there are always healthy options in, he just wants the easy option.

He eats his main meal at work, often followed by pudding. Then just has a sandwich when he gets in.
He asked me to buy sugar free biscuits and low sugar snacks. He hasn't touched them
On the odd occasion he does buy food for the house its unhealthy - biscuits, white bread, sausage rolls etc.
He's also drinking more, he buys a bottle of wine on the way home.
I'm so done with it. He just drinks his wine, watches TV then goes to bed. I don't think he's even eaten or taken his metformin tonight but I'm sick of asking him if he has.
We spoke on Friday night and I told him how done I was and that I was seriously thinking of leaving. We spoke for a while and then he went to bed early, and since then has acted like nothing is wrong. I'm exhausted![/quote]
Diabetes and health challenges aside, he sounds a bore to be honest OP - if the evening routine you describe is your norm - and the fact that he would have the nerve to blame you for his poor choices....Take the diabetes out of it, is this an enjoyable, fulfilling relationship with mutual attraction? (some of the time at least)

@theleafandnotthetree
Yes he is a bore! Diabetes has been the focus but looking at the relationship as a whole it has become very boring. I think we have distanced ourselves from each other.

I think the time for getting through to him, has long past.

He has repeatedly told you his decision.

He doesn't care about his future.

The question now is how serious are YOU about YOUR future?

You and your life are collateral damage here.

The life of a carer, is unbelievably difficult.

To be doing it for someone you no longer love, who deliberately chose to put themselves in a position where their health is utterly compromised must be so difficult.

Definitely some women will suck it up and offer it up 🤷‍♀️.

In the case that I know of, she did it for a year, and has admitted she hated and begrudged every minute of it.
She didn't want to give up her job.
She had been a good mother and wife for their marriage and had carried the stress of his unhealthy habits for 15 years.
She was done and whats more she didn't feel guilty.

He had had HIS choices that had hugely impacted the family and her.

Now she was making a choice that would impact the family and HIM.

Her children were supportive.
Why? Because they weren't going to act as carer, they could see what was involved and they knew their father had made his decisions for years that had hugely impacted them all.

I really admire her for not accepting her life was effectively over at 53, because of his choices.
His family definitely weren't happy but her friends, of whom several are friends of mine, all thought she had made the right decision for her.

He is now like an elderly parent, very occasionally taken out for the day to his home by his children, but living out the rest of his days in an elder home.

It is now 6 years on and I supoose he must be used to it by now.

An awful waste of a life, that could have been avoided.

He had a very big job and was a very clever man, but he couldn't be helped by his GP or wife, whom he never took a blind bit of notice of.

OP, I wouldn’t tell him you’re thinking of leaving. I would be blunt and tell him that if he wants to kill himself by not looking after his health then that’s his choice but that you won’t be witness to it.

I am in heart failure and honestly the amount of people who I’ve seen during my hospital stays who are going through the same and then talk about the amount they drink and smoke, the weed they smoke and the shit food they eat irritates me beyond belief, and I’m not even related to any of them.

Yes, it can be hard to change a lifestyle because of your health but Christ, having ended up in hospital because of said health you’d think they’d learn, but apparently not.

He has made his choices and he clearly doesn’t care that he’s ill or that he’s likely going to die from this. Well if he doesn’t care then it’s not up to you to, and I’d tell him that, and then I’d leave.