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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH and diabetes driving me mad!

233 replies

Justateweetabix · 20/02/2022 09:59

My husband was diagnosed with diabetes about 8 years ago.
He's never taken it seriously and at every diabetic review has had a telling off from the nurse! He's promised to change his ways but nothing much has ever changed.
He's just had this years test results back. The nurse has told him his results are 'through the roof' and his cholesterol is 8.0 (very high).
He eats a lot of fatty food and stopped taking his statins about a year ago because they were giving him joint pain.
He's on the highest dose of metformin he can take.
I've just had enough. All I can see in my future is being widowed or being his carer. He's 8 years older than me and starting to look a bit ill and haggered.
He was given the results on Thursday. He bought a bottle of wine home on Thursday night and ate hot dogs out of a tin.
We had a long talk on Friday night about how he needs to make drastic changes and he agreed and promised.
Fast forward to yesterday, I caught him eating biscuits the kitchen, he'd had 3.Then for dinner he suggested getting a kfc!!
He just doesn't get it send I'm sick of being the food police 😒
And yes I know we shouldn't have these things in the house but we have a teenager. I don't buy puddings or chocolate. He eats his main meal at work and has now admitted that he eats a pudding there every day too.
I can only do so much. I cooked him a healthy dinner last night but he left the salad, just ate chicken and jacket potato.
Leaving is not really an option financially but it's what I feel like doing. Diabetes has already destroyed our sex life (inpotence) and it could destroy our lives too if he let's it ...
Sorry if this was long and rambling !

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 19/03/2022 14:47

I don't know quite what you want us to say. He doesn't want to change and you can't force him to, so you need to decide if this is the future you want. You only have one.

Justateweetabix · 19/03/2022 16:18

@billy1966 thank you. I keep reading your post and it's exactly what I'm telling myself.
He is a lovely man but I don't want my future wrecked my his stupid choices. And you are right about it being the same as an alcoholic, I've not looked at it that way before.
Its just so hard.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/03/2022 04:55

It is hard but he isn't putting you first so why should you put him first?

ApolloandDaphne · 29/03/2022 05:29

He needs to take responsibility for himself. If he is not willing to do so then I suspect leaving him is the only thing you can do. You can regain your life without having the threat of being his carer hanging over your head. I can se apple might think that is being callous and uncaring but your DH clearly does not care about himself or you or your future. Are there children involved?

Justateweetabix · 29/03/2022 08:49

@ApolloandDaphne grown up children. My 17yo lives with us.
We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago and he basically said that he didn't care, that his life is shit, he doesn't want to live forever and would be happy to have a massive heart attack tomorrow. My own father died of a massive heart attack so a shitty thing to say to me!
I'm at a loss, he can't see it. Apparently if he died I'd just get over it, so would his kids.
I've taken my wedding ring off, he hasn't said anything. We are civil with each other but I'm just leaving him to it now Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/03/2022 09:02

Blimey he sure has a victim mentality.

He may well have depression but no doubt he won't seek help for that either.

Thanks
Ireolu · 29/03/2022 10:27

I would get him to sort out his mood. The depression may be sabotaging his motivation to do the important lifestyle stuff for his diabetes. Sounds like he has given up. Worst thing is potentially living with the consequences when organs are damaged. Dialysis, amputations, the breathlessness & tiredness that some have after a heart attack, lasting neurological issues after a stroke. His quality of life could be bad.

billy1966 · 29/03/2022 12:09

I sincerely hope that you are busy making plans.

You are on borrowed time.

You need to initiate a separation asap.

Don't get caught up in HIS inevitable shit show.

billy1966 · 29/03/2022 12:10

However miserable you think life is now, believe me it is going to get a whole lot worse if he has a non fatal stroke etc.

Harsh, but that is the reality.

BlingLoving · 29/03/2022 12:17

OP, I remember your thread originally although don't think I posted.

I think leaving him for his eating decisions is very sad. But I don't blame you. My mum had diabetes and it was a struggle for her at times - she'd really want that treat or whatever, and sometimes she couldn't help herself and she'd have it. And I used to get so cross. But when I look back I feel a lot more sympathy because I did and do know that she was trying. Your Dh is not.

PS my mum died of complications as a result of diabetes, even though she'd long been really good about her diet and control by that time.

layladomino · 29/03/2022 13:00

I completely understand where you're at, OP.

I know it isn't the same, but there are parallels with living with an alcoholic. They know there are certain drinks (ie alcoholic ones) that they should avoid. They know the end result could be liver damage and death. If you point their drinking out to them they resent you / you just want to spoil their fun.

But their addiction will eventually harm and likely kill them, and it has an impact on you, and any children, every day - right up to the point at which you become a widow. You are their carer, nor their lover.

In your case, he knows what he needs to do to be healthier, to live longer and to make life better for him, you and his children. He has to avoid certain foods. But he chooses those foods over everything else, like the alcoholic chooses alcohol.

He is a grown up, he makes his own choices. But when those choices affect other people, people who have supported, cared, tried to help, picked up the slack, dealt with the impacts, and face a life of being a carer and then widowed early, then those people also have a choice. You can choose to leave.

He has it in his power to make changes and reclaim his life and his marriage. If he chooses carbs over that, then you're doing the right thing in leaving.

theleafandnotthetree · 29/03/2022 13:53

@billy1966

However miserable you think life is now, believe me it is going to get a whole lot worse if he has a non fatal stroke etc.

Harsh, but that is the reality.

Absolutely: my father was very careless about taking his essential medication as he'd be 'happy to die anyway' but as my aunt who is a nurse pointed out, there are much worse things than dying potentially facing you if you carry on like that. And other people have to share that suffering.
FawnDrenched · 29/03/2022 14:35

I listened to a radio programme a while back and the Chief Medical Officer said that we have been wrong for years with the way we have tried to get people to quit smoking. He said that we have focused on dying X years earlier and that the concept of this to people was very abstract. He said that we should have focused on the quality of life while you are alive. He is so right.
My father has type 2 diabetes and doesn't give a sh*t. He is in his mid eighties and god alone knows how he has made it this far. He struggles with even the basic of tasks such as walking or standing upright. His quality of life is awful and quite often my Dh and I have to pick up the pieces because my Dm has MH issues. Going off thread but my Ds and Db are nowhere to be seen. Anyhow, my point is that my Dd health has been like throwing a stone in a pond and the ripples have affected us and the poor health service as he is either at the Drs or hospital each week. The OP is 100% right to try to walk away from this as it is bloody awful and he still continues to eat everything he should not. Incredibly he actually said a few months back that the Dr said he was doing really well, so much so that she had increased the dose of his medication.....What!
So it is not uncommon for people to kid themselves whilst their quality of life diminishes and the people around them have to paper over the cracks.
Sorry you are going through this Op and yes leave and never look back.

FetchezLaVache · 29/03/2022 14:45

@billy1966

However miserable you think life is now, believe me it is going to get a whole lot worse if he has a non fatal stroke etc.

Harsh, but that is the reality.

So, so true. A dear friend's father had one two years ago and has been utterly dependent since then. He can't walk, can't speak very well, has patchy memory, is deeply frustrated.

His wife is actually really angry a lot of the time, as it could have been avoided if he hadn't refused to keep on top of his condition and have medical devices replaced, etc.

Triffid1 · 29/03/2022 15:32

He said that we should have focused on the quality of life while you are alive.

So true. I didn't stop smoking because I was worried about lung cancer. I stopped smoking because my addiction to cigarettes was negatively impacting my life, my time with my children, my relationships etc.

Rowgtfc72 · 29/03/2022 21:04

Me and my ex stayed friends because I left.
When the call came through for his new kidney they accidentally came to my address first. We stayed in touch until I got the call he'd inevitably died, sadly.
The point comes when you have to put yourself first.
Thinking of you.

ClaraTheImpossibleGirl · 31/03/2022 08:56

@Justateweetabix - I'm so sorry to hear that things haven't improved for you. My DP is very similar - massively overweight, at risk of diabetes (family history of Type 2) - has been on courses to learn all about what he should and shouldn't eat, but guess what?! Makes zero effort... much like your DH, he'll either leave the salad/ veg when I make him a meal, or hoover it up and then shovel in the DC's leftovers as quickly as he can.

I do worry about him but have come to the realisation that there's very little I can do! I always offer healthy meals and snacks but he's constantly on the lookout for anything else, I suggest family walks/ outings etc but he doesn't want to move off the sofa, he can never stop at just one drink but has to get plastered... it's affecting his joints, he's breathless a lot of the time, and he constantly has a bad back/ neck/ something else.

A lot of what you and PP have said has struck a chord with me: if I leave him to it I'm unsupportive, if I help by making healthy meals and not having snacks in the house then I am NO FUN. There's no way I can win Confused

It's very frustrating and I often say (silently!) to myself when he's around "you can't change anyone except yourself" because otherwise it winds me up so much that he just won't change despite desperately needing to!

NigellaLawdaughter · 01/04/2022 12:40

How are you doing, @Justateweetabix ?
Things going better at all?
My DH is T2 'pre' diabetic. Fortunately he is on board and willing to change his eating habits.

We both know it won't be fun, but him losing his eyesight (or legs, or gettting vascular dementia) will be even less fun.
Thank you for starting this thread, it has really made me take notice of how horrific T2 Diabetes can turn out to be.
I hope you're doing OK. Flowers

NigellaLawdaughter · 01/04/2022 12:43

@anywinewilldonow

Get him to watch "Fixing Dad"? It's available on Youtube. Very inspirational.
Thank you for suggesting this! This was such a great film.
whenwilliwillibefamous · 01/04/2022 15:58

OP I am so sad to read all this.
It's a psychological problem isn't it, and one that's still unsolved. The smokers, the heavy drinkers, ... your H whose brain tells him, "stick your head in the sand and it will not be real". Poor soul, by the time his heart and kidneys are failing, legs the size of tree trunks with weeping ulcers, sight going, it will be too late.

You have this stranger's blessing to leave. It's not as if things are good for any of you as they are right now...

Justateweetabix · 01/04/2022 22:45

Thank you for your messages.
I really don't know what to do, he's barely speaking to me and I just can't live like this anymore.
I do think depression is driving this self destruction. He's said some things lately that have worried me, like the heart attack comment. But I can't have a conversation with him without being told how hard his life is and getting tonne of self pity.
He had a bad bout of depression around Christmas last year. I managed to get him to ring the doctor. He was suicidal and was offered a lot of help which he turned down.
It's hard to love someone who would rather be dead.

OP posts:
ClaraTheImpossibleGirl · 01/04/2022 23:09

That must be very, very hard for you @Justateweetabix Flowers

My DTS2 (6) was really upset the other night as he kept asking me if Daddy would die soon - he can see how unhealthy DP is and a couple of his classmates' fathers have died recently (I think both cancer, but he doesn't fully understand that). I just don't know what to say - I mean I hope not, but DP isn't making any effort to change anything!

Is there anyone your DH might listen to about changing things? Would he try a new sport which would at least encourage him to be active? Is he into cooking at all, could that interest him in making healthy meals?

(I'm sure you've thought of all these ideas - and frankly my DP wouldn't listen to any of them - but I thought I'd suggest them anyway!)

it sounds like your DH

billy1966 · 01/04/2022 23:13

You have my sympathy OP.

An awful situation, with the clock ticking.

Wishing yo strength.Flowers

Justateweetabix · 01/04/2022 23:20

@ClaraTheImpossibleGirl he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him though Hmm
He actually doesn't look how you might imagine. He's a healthy weight and generally looks healthy - although a bit stressed and tired.
Not into sports and definitely not into cooking!

OP posts:
Justateweetabix · 01/04/2022 23:21

You have my sympathy. At least there are no small children in my situation.

OP posts:
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