Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has no aspirations or wants of his own

115 replies

theautumnalmanac · 19/02/2022 17:56

For background, my partner and I have been together for 12 years (since we were teenagers). He is kind, selfless and a brilliant dad to our 16 month old son). He's the kind of person who would drive to the other side of the city if you just happened to have a craving for a certain ice cream for example. Sounds great, right?

While he means well, this means that I end up making a huge proportion of decisions. I decide how we eat, live and spend our free time. Meal planning, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, clothing our son, and thinking about the weekend all fall to me because partner is not empowered to make any of these decisions.

When I have spoken to him about this, asked what he would like, he says that all he wants is for DS and I to be happy.

I should mention, he does not respond well to criticism and when we discussed this today, he shouted 'what do you want from me??' on paper, it sounds sort of understandable but is it really unreasonable of me to crave someone who will come up with a way we can all spend time together. Absolutely anything - let's all bake together, let's all go out to eat, let's go to a soft play centre, how about I get my parents to watch DS and I'll take you out.

I have booked a couple of nights way for my 30th soon, just me and him. I didn't expect him to pay or anything but he doesn't seem to want to sit and plan the trip with me, contribute any ideas or anything. It just does not occur to him to make romantic gestures or plan surprises.

I'm sorry this is a bit of a mad jumble. I just wanted to get everything down to hear people's thoughts.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 19/02/2022 17:57

It sounds like you do all the emotional labour
He doesn’t sound great at all

DenholmElliot · 19/02/2022 17:59

Have you been doing all of this yourself for the past 12 years? Thats going to be a very very difficult habit to break if you have. Could you work on one thing at a time?

Finfintytint · 19/02/2022 18:03

What a lazy arse. I’d just be blunt and tell him that he has to do his fair share of planning, organising etc.

Eupraxia · 19/02/2022 18:04

Is this since you've had kids? Or since you've known him.

When he asked "What do you want from me?" Were you able to give him a call clear answer?

Original poster
theautumnalmanac · 19/02/2022 18:12

Emotional labour sounds like a really interesting phrase @Shoxfordian though I'm not sure I fully understand what it means. Do you think you could explain this further if you have time?

OP posts:
Original poster
theautumnalmanac · 19/02/2022 18:14

@DenholmElliot I would say on the whole yes though more so in the last few years. He helped me through mental health struggles in the past which involved taking a more active role but this certainly didn't come naturally. One thing at a time sounds sensible.

OP posts:
Original poster
theautumnalmanac · 19/02/2022 18:16

Haha @Finfintytint this did make me chuckle a bit! Its a real hard one because I honestly see that he doesn't stop. He never has any time to himself whatsoever so it's hard for me to call him lazy. I just feel he never makes time for fun.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2022 18:17

What is the point of you and he being together at all now?. You were in your teens when you met so had no real life experience behind you either.

These men are always so called "brilliant dads" as well. Why is he in your eyes a brilliant dad; your bar here is really low isn't it?. Was your own father like this too?. Women in poor relationships often write this too when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. This individual has more red flags about him than are present at a Communist Party Committee Meeting. He does not mean well; he wants you to feel grateful and forever obligated to him by telling you that he just wants you and child to be happy. He is also not kind or reasonable when you say no to him.

You have one child to care for; you do not need to carry an inherently lazy and or otherwise nasty adult who targeted you to carry him. And for your 30th birthday I would take your son with you rather than him.

BoodleBug51 · 19/02/2022 18:19

He sounds horribly passive OP.

DH would happily leave every aspect of our lives to me, but he doesn't get the opportunity.

You don't have be the only adult in the relationship, you know Flowers

badkitty · 19/02/2022 18:19

I think this is pretty common (well in my limited experience anyway). They are so used to women doing all the thinking for them and they just go along with it for an easy life. Then they get all defensive because they genuinely don't appreciate everything that goes into actually organising life. It's not great but I highly doubt he will change.

SmolCat · 19/02/2022 18:20

If it’s that he genuinely doesn’t want anything then in a way it sounds like he’s really happy. He wants for nothing.

But if it’s that he does want things and he’s choosing to have you do them for him then that’s another matter entirely.

Have you spelt it out to him that you would like him to plan X days for the holiday? To take you out once a month?

If he doesn’t do a fair share of the meal planning, food shopping, cleaning, cooking, baby, etc then that’s a whole separate issue.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2022 18:21

"Its a real hard one because I honestly see that he doesn't stop. He never has any time to himself whatsoever so it's hard for me to call him lazy."

Again deliberate on his part. I suppose other people like him mainly because he's helping them all the time too. You do not and will not get a look in. It could well be that he knows that speaking badly or behaving poorly towards his friends or family might not be tolerated, but he feels like you will accept it from him.

Original poster
theautumnalmanac · 19/02/2022 18:22

@Eupraxia it's always been underlying but has ramped up since DS was born. When he asked that, I honestly said I thought that was a very dramatic response. He went on to say how stressful he thinks his life is and I asked calmly 'i find it hard to see from the outside why you find life stressful, please can you explain that to me?' he talked about the things that stress us all out a bit from time to time but I didn't really want to say, 'I have these stresses too, i just don't let it consume me' because I am keen for him to open up and I don't think invalidating his feelings will help if that makes sense? Am I fighting a losing battle?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2022 18:23

He's no fool. He does fuck all, and if you dare say anything he shuts it down immediately by shouting and being a dickhead. He's definitely got you trained. You're his mummy and skivvy. Ick. Aren't you sick of this shit already? And BTW, he is not a "brilliant dad."

pompomseverywhere · 19/02/2022 18:23

He's leaving the mental loads to you how nice for him.
If you want to stay together tell him he has to plan one activity every weekend to start with. Then increase this to include planning a meal very week and cooking it, up his level of load regularly.

Northernsoullover · 19/02/2022 18:25

My ex was like this. Then he would whine about what I did organise. I remember once saying surprise me when he asked what I wanted to do for my birthday and he took me to the local curry house we always went to. I might sound ungrateful but I was tired of making all the decisions.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2022 18:25

Am I fighting a losing battle?

Absolutely. The reality is that he has always been this way, it was just much easier for you to ignore it before you had a child to take care of. Your blinders are off now.

EmmaH2022 · 19/02/2022 18:25

[quote theautumnalmanac]@DenholmElliot I would say on the whole yes though more so in the last few years. He helped me through mental health struggles in the past which involved taking a more active role but this certainly didn't come naturally. One thing at a time sounds sensible.[/quote]
I was thinking you meant he does as he is told but can't do anything without instruction. Then I read this. So he can take charge and use his initiative? He's not being a manchild?

dontblamemee · 19/02/2022 18:26

Literally every guy I've had a LTR with has been like this. I just thought it was all men that were like this.

SilverGlassHare · 19/02/2022 18:27

DH is a bit like this - I am the driving force in the relationship. But he does a lot more of the physical stuff - he’s much more likely to run to Tesco for the top up shop, takes responsibility for any DIY/gardening initiatives, runs around after DS including nearly all the school runs/clubs/sports. I have a health condition that causes fatigue and don’t have much stamina, and he never minds if I need a long lie in or a nap at the weekend. So sometimes I do think, oh ffs why do I have to book the holiday/organise the meal out/plan childcare/decide what’s for dinner? But he probably gets a bit sick of always trailing out to rugby or to pick DS up from school. And I figure someone needs to be in charge and I’d rather it were me, on balance, as I’m pretty bossy.

If you feel he pulls his weight by doing other things, I’d make my peace with it, OP. If you’re carrying the mental load AND everything else, then something’s got to change.

whenwilliwillibefamous · 19/02/2022 18:27

I get why your DP might not be king of meal planning if he's not Mr. Decisions or Mr. Planning, but why not "food shopping, cooking, cleaning" ? All of these can be done from straightforward lists/instructions.

Is it a bit like living with a human working-dog ? Willing and supportive but you have to direct everything?

user6573 · 19/02/2022 18:28

This explains emotional labour OP. It sounds exactly the issue, and that you have decision making fatigue. This is common in couples but often doesn't become an issue until parenting. When you wake up on a weekend and have to plan what to do, then plan what is for breakfast, then choose clothes for your child (assessing if it fits, the weather, if you need spares), then you can be exhausted with decision making very quickly in the day. If you are also responsible for all correspondence with nursery/booking activities/planning play dates/booking Dr appointments, then you are doing more even if your DH is willing to take the DC to all of these things with you, and that imbalance will cause resentment and burn out. If he will eat anything you fancy for dinner, that might sound great, but when you just want someone to decide you probably would enjoy anything when you feel burnt out with decisions and the toll of emotional labour.

httpss://www.nytimes.com/article/emotional-labor.html

lucillelarusso · 19/02/2022 18:29

This is my husband. I am much older and exhausted. He is not a kind good husband and you will become exhausted

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 19/02/2022 18:29

Oh bloody hell, I feel like I could have written your post @theautumnalmanac. I get so worn down by the constant decision making (I also make a lot of decisions in work too) that I'm honestly thinking of ending my relationship because I'm done being responsible for a 6 year old and another fully grown adult.

Dillydollydingdong · 19/02/2022 18:30

I suppose each person does what they're best at and have an aptitude for. You are best at planning and organizing. At least you get to do what you want to do. Some of the husbands on here spend all their time on their "hobby" whatever that is, (cycling, gym, going out to the pub with mates), and don't even spend time with the dw.