My partner has no aspirations or wants of his own

[theautumnalmanac]

For background, my partner and I have been together for 12 years (since we were teenagers). He is kind, selfless and a brilliant dad to our 16 month old son). He's the kind of person who would drive to the other side of the city if you just happened to have a craving for a certain ice cream for example. Sounds great, right?

While he means well, this means that I end up making a huge proportion of decisions. I decide how we eat, live and spend our free time. Meal planning, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, clothing our son, and thinking about the weekend all fall to me because partner is not empowered to make any of these decisions.

When I have spoken to him about this, asked what he would like, he says that all he wants is for DS and I to be happy.

I should mention, he does not respond well to criticism and when we discussed this today, he shouted 'what do you want from me??' on paper, it sounds sort of understandable but is it really unreasonable of me to crave someone who will come up with a way we can all spend time together. Absolutely anything - let's all bake together, let's all go out to eat, let's go to a soft play centre, how about I get my parents to watch DS and I'll take you out.

I have booked a couple of nights way for my 30th soon, just me and him. I didn't expect him to pay or anything but he doesn't seem to want to sit and plan the trip with me, contribute any ideas or anything. It just does not occur to him to make romantic gestures or plan surprises.

I'm sorry this is a bit of a mad jumble. I just wanted to get everything down to hear people's thoughts.

I think we've always had lots of shared interests and values. We make eachother laugh constantly and he will do anything for anyone. Very caring and understanding when my mental health suffers. Helps that he's easy on the eye too, haha0 😍

It's whether all of these things can outweigh the issues I have.

I can relate, OP. My husband is a great dad, and does more than his fair share of housework, but he just has nothing else going on outside of this at all.

He no longer has hobbies, he doesn’t see friends, he has a job he isn’t particularly happy in, but he says all he wants is me and the children. It feels very hard to be someone’s entire source of happiness.

He asked if I’d planned anything for this birthday this year, and I haven’t. We’ve been together for 17 years and I’ve always done something nice, but I realised I’ve never been taken anywhere. I’ve never had a weekend away planned for me, or even a meal. He enjoys these things so I don’t understand it.

I am not a person who needs excitement every day, but I’m not ready to be old just yet. He says he’s happy just to stay at home with the family all the time. I have a lot of things I still want to do.

Because of this, and for a few other reasons, we are now separating. I wonder if I will regret it and he’s genuinely a good man, but I just feel like the differences between us are growing and the thought of spending the rest of my life with someone so passive, and being made to feel solely responsible for their happiness, is horrifying.

@DuckDuckNoose I could have written this! We are also separating. I think the final straw was when my husband said ‘I wouldn’t even mind getting locked down with you again for another year but I know you don’t feel the same’ - too right, I don’t! The thought fills me with absolute dread, I barely coped with the first lockdown! He’s so happy having me as the sole source of entertainment, friendship, etc…it’s stifling.

Haven't RTFT ..

There's two possible scenarios, one he doesn't want to do any of the planning etc . The other is that he's actually a very anxious and easily offended person who cannot make decisions or plans because if they are Wrong or things dont go to plan then he has no ability to cope with the feelings that this bring up in him. It's possible he doesn't realise this just that he can't do what you're asking of him. One of my partner's had anxiety and he said he has no thoughts only feelings so he never knows why he is anxious but had this feeling of needing to avoid something, so he did. Some people cope with anxiety by taking control, planning everything, thinking over and over and other people avoid and disengage entirely especially if they know it will get picked up by other people.

@DuckDuckNoose

'It feels very hard to be someone’s entire source of happiness.'

I think you've really hit the nail on the head there. I'm sorry you are going through it at the moment. I'm hoping this turns out to be a positive decision for you.

My dad had a lot of enthusiasm for life and was an excelling planner, always coming up with interesting and (at the time} unusual places to go and things to do.

I've been with DH for 25 years and I would say I do at least 95% of the planning in our relationship - holidays, travel, kids activities, house renovations. I occasionally do think FFS, why do I have to do all this? but over the years I've come to really appreciate what we both bring to the table. The reason it works for us is:

1. he is a very enthusiastic participant and ways up for whatever I suggest.(i couldn't cope with someone who only went along with things begrudgingly)
2. he absolutely pulls his weight in other aspects of the relationship and parenting
3. I am simply better at it. My googling skills are unmatched
4. he is very appreciative of what I do
5. I've come to realise that actually I prefer being in control. Realistically I know I am less easy going and I'm harder to please than he is.

So, it works for us, very very well.

@Mumof3confused I’m sorry you’re going through this as well. Stifling is the word! Lockdown is what really made me realise I felt like that too, I felt so much happier when he was at work and I only had myself and the children to worry about.

Your description of him makes me think he could be autistic: need for predictability (the car park story), difficulty making decisions, insular life (you are all he needs), doing the things he finds much easier and doing them well e.g. childcare, finding his life generally stressful(does he find going to work stressful?).
It may be that he cannot be everything you need and you will need to make a decision about whether or not you can accept him as he is.

I’m also thinking some form of ADHD/ADD. Sometimes very passive unless “in the moment”.

@theautumnalmanac

Sex life - fine for me, I suspect he would want more. I'm just not a touchy feely person and since having a baby my body confidence is pretty low which doesn't help.

Years ago when we first got together, I was so amazed he even wanted to be with me, I would take the lead. However as we've got older, the responsibilities have piled up higher and higher and I find myself still taking the lead.

I was wondering about this. If you'd changed and he hadn't. That's part of the problem. You've grown apart. It happens. It's not necessarily anyone's fault. You've gained confidence and self esteem and now you think you're worth more. You're not wrong. It's just a little unfair to blame someone for being who they are when they haven't actually changed. He's not some abusive monster who started out nice and then got dramatically worse over time. He's just him, the person he always was.

The thing about HGV driver. Borrowing money then not doing what's necessary to pay it back is completely and utterly taking the piss. That's expensive training, thousands. It would be a deal breaker for me. I'd be extremely angry and would make it clear he either shapes up or ships out.

If he's changed his mind, fine. But I'd want a detailed plan from him, with timescales, this weekend. To show to my family, for how he intends paying the money back. Note I said him paying it back. This should not involve you getting promotion, taking on overtime or a second job, or going without in some other way. He needs to do those things, sell his personal possessions, his car maybe and take the bus to work. He needs to be the be the one who suffers for his decision to not complete the training. Or he needs to do the fucking training ASAP and get a better paid job to pay it back. It would be the hill to die on, for me. That's not a difference of opinion, it's a complete and utter disrespect for your family and by default, you.

Think you need to tell him not to interfere when you're having time with your DC. Because DC need a relationship with you not just his dad. By stepping in when there's a minor issue your DP is preventing that relationship from happening. I wouldn't tolerate that either.

This arrangement can definitely work for some but I really hope we can work together to make some changes.

As for the money, he has a payment plan set up with my family, whereby he pays back £50 a month. This started the month he was given the loan. I know the money will be paid back but what a waste if he's changed his mind!

He says he just wants you to be happy... but when you try to explain to him how he's making you unhappy he gets angry and doesn't want to listen....

Surely he can see he's being unreasonable?

If he is the good person you say he is / if he truly only wants you to be happy, he will happily disucss this and come to an agreement.

Careful what you wish for. My ex organized everything for him and it was a ball ache. Get exactly what you want, give him the heads up. If no alternative happens... Ta dahh you get your plan. I get it's tiring but enjoy the perfect (your) plan for holidays, nights out etc

I have a husband exactly like this but I am 30 years down the line. I have lost all respect for him, and for myself for nor being brave enough to leave. I totally understand where you are coming from OP and it’s shit. I have no advice as I have not managed to fix things myself but I wanted to send my sympathy.

This is exhausting I know it only too well