Page 4 | My partner has no aspirations or wants of his own

WildPoinsettia · 20/02/2022 01:00

@LemonSwan haha I love your mum!

Original poster

theautumnalmanac · 20/02/2022 07:24

@SunnydaleHSAlumna has expressed exactly how Im feeling. If I'm honest, he's had problems regarding lack of hobbies for years. Before our DS was born, he was completely lost on the days I decided I was going to do something on my own. Now DS is here, I think it gives him the excuse that he cannot possibly make time for anything else.

A comment was made about sticking to our roles if that makes us happy. While this makes sense, I also strongly believe that in all aspects of life, you should try to do a little bit of the stuff you don't want to. Yesterday when we were both off work, j said I'd like some time playing with our DS. He got a little whiny at one point and it was my partner's instinct just to take him downstairs and start playing with him alone! I just felt like I'd be interfering if I pushed myself on to them again.

One thing my partner has started doing recently which I actually think was a really good idea of his was to set an alarm on his phone at 8pm every night to talk through the plan for the next day. It is also a time to stop whatever we are doing and communicate anything else on our minds. It's certainly a step in the right direction but I find it difficult to make him steer the conversation and decision. It has very much become, the alarm goes off and he asks what I want to do tomorrow. I ask if theres anything he'd like to do and he's like 'errrmmmm ermmm...go for a drive'. I'm happy to do this but I find it infuriating that this is the only activity he can think of every weekend.

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Original poster

theautumnalmanac · 20/02/2022 07:41

@WildPoinsettia you've made some really good points here. The jobs thing is especially interesting. His job is hard a low paid. He mentioned that he loves driving and would like to get in to HGV driving. My family lent him the money to do this. He paid a fee and now has access to online learning. I made sure to carve out time so he could do this. I worked alongside him asking him practice questions and learnt alot myself. Eventually I felt like a nag so asked if he'd like to be left to it, to which he said yes. Fast forward a few months, he's stopped doing the online training and keeps pushing the test date back. I am currently working one day a week less in a more laid back better paid job. I am currently working towards a promotion as our joint income is quite a struggle to live on.

Regarding food, I'm keen for my son to try lots of different things. He is quite picky and I don't think my partner constantly giving him pureed pouches or soft ready meals when he is in charge is helping my DS to develop.

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GlassHalfFull10 · 20/02/2022 08:29

I can see how this is frustrating actually. Especially feeling like you’re imposing.

In a way, I have something slightly similar in that I think of all of the activities, meals, fun stuff. But I am also the one being with the kids at home/out while DH watches sport all day or does hobby and doesn’t interact. And he doesn’t do any DIY either. He also says no a lot, so if I suggest something it’s ‘no let’s do that next weekend’ or ‘no that’s too expensive’. So I’m basically trapped. His excuse is that it’s winter and no one is doing anything… and yes I do just go ahead and do it often but can’t really do that with trips and home stuff as it’s bigger decisions.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 20/02/2022 08:54

The saddest thing for me is that your child cries to be returned to DH because DH is the parent who chooses to be the fun parent.

You on the other hand are left doing the unfun life jobs which don't help and enlarge your relationship with your child.

Your DH is very smart. And very manipulative

ShreddedMarmalade · 20/02/2022 09:20

My ex H was like this. I would ask him to take a turn at planning a weekend day for the family. He couldn't seem to do it. Strangely, he was more than capable of planning activities just for himself. I don't miss being married to him. Life is very boring when you have to do all the planning and there's no one to surprise you with a weekend away or meal out.

Wheelerdeeler · 20/02/2022 09:23

Tell him he has to plan a family day next weekend. It can be as simple as going to the local park. Bringing lunch. Stopping off at grandparents on way home.

But he has to tell you what ye are doing

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/02/2022 09:44

Only you can decide whether you are happy in this relationship and want it to continue. But it sounds like it might be worth trying to save it given the good points.

Being divorced with a young child is tough.

Mumof3confused · 20/02/2022 09:48

My husband is like this but unfortunately I had two more children with him before I realised how unhappy this was making me. We are separating.

My husband does

cooking when he’s around
washing
occasional cleaning (badly)

Incapable of:

anything to do with finances
driving unless absolutely necessary and does not do long distance or motorways
planning
DIY/repairs
taking charge
leading
having a bloody opinion

I basically am the manager in my own home, if I want something done I can ask him and he will do it but he’d never think to just do if without me asking. He says I’m so much better at everything than he is so that’s why he leaves it all to me, say buying a car, getting up at night with the babies, getting quotes in for things that need doing…everything. If I complain he plays the victim.

Do you have a good sex life? I ask this because it was the sex life I was so unhappy with in the end, and it wasn’t until we had counselling that I realised how he’s essentially another child of mine and how resentful I am about this. The thing is, our situation has suited him for so long with me doing it all and even bringing in a lot more money than him by pushing myself and working harder while he’s sat back. He’s now got a lot more to lose than I have.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 20/02/2022 09:58

@theautumnalmanac

For background, my partner and I have been together for 12 years (since we were teenagers). He is kind, selfless and a brilliant dad to our 16 month old son). He's the kind of person who would drive to the other side of the city if you just happened to have a craving for a certain ice cream for example. Sounds great, right?

While he means well, this means that I end up making a huge proportion of decisions. I decide how we eat, live and spend our free time. Meal planning, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, clothing our son, and thinking about the weekend all fall to me because partner is not empowered to make any of these decisions.

When I have spoken to him about this, asked what he would like, he says that all he wants is for DS and I to be happy.

I should mention, he does not respond well to criticism and when we discussed this today, he shouted 'what do you want from me??' on paper, it sounds sort of understandable but is it really unreasonable of me to crave someone who will come up with a way we can all spend time together. Absolutely anything - let's all bake together, let's all go out to eat, let's go to a soft play centre, how about I get my parents to watch DS and I'll take you out.

I have booked a couple of nights way for my 30th soon, just me and him. I didn't expect him to pay or anything but he doesn't seem to want to sit and plan the trip with me, contribute any ideas or anything. It just does not occur to him to make romantic gestures or plan surprises.

I'm sorry this is a bit of a mad jumble. I just wanted to get everything down to hear people's thoughts.

Has he always been like this, did he not date you, take you away, surprise you with gifts? We tend to do a week on and week of meal planning, she'll cook, I'll cook. I book the trips away in the main, I receive regular emails from various sites with offers and ideas. She takes care of birthdays, etc. I'd be bored if I was sat in every week.

DogsAndGin · 20/02/2022 10:12

He sounds content. And he’s kind, and a great dad.

I think it’s relatively new that we, as a generation, go on weekends away, restaurants, evenings out, cinema. I can honestly say, my parents and the rest of the family of their generation, went to the cinema and restaurants maybe once a year, never had a weekend away, and never went on more than one holiday a year, and that would be in the UK somewhere. My point is, we have all shifted our lifestyle standards, and we are often quite extravagant now, without realising it. I think maybe your DH is just content with the simple things in life - as millions of us have been, for thousands of years.

billy1966 · 20/02/2022 10:13

@Aquamarine1029

He's no fool. He does fuck all, and if you dare say anything he shuts it down immediately by shouting and being a dickhead. He's definitely got you trained. You're his mummy and skivvy. Ick. Aren't you sick of this shit already? And BTW, he is not a "brilliant dad."

This.

Not so nice at all shouting you down when you complain.

He likes you doing everything because he is lazy.

Your his mum.

How anyone would find this sexually attractive is beyond me.

For goodness sake don't have another child with this man child.

30 is so young.
Think hard about whether you want another 40/50 years of this.

CatSpeakForDummies · 20/02/2022 10:13

My DH is a little like this but it works for us as I have a chronic medical condition and I need someone who can keep things steady when I'm ill and I also like making plans that don't involve me having to say "actually, I can't do that." When we were first dating, I got hypothermia on one of his plans, so he's probably a bit nervous about suggesting new things (he also has asd, so worries about getting things wrong).

He also grew up with very little money, he just didn't have holidays or hobbies or days out often but his family are lovely. TBH his family are nicer to be around than mine, who go full Disney grandparents when my kids are round.

If I ask him to plan a weekend, he wouldn't be able to do it on the spot, but he can go off and do research and come back with something. It isn't that he wants me to make all the decisions, it's more just how we communicate. I'd usually bounce ideas around but he'd want to discuss one particular plan at a time.

When my kids were bad at entertaining themselves, we each had 5 bits of paper which we wrote activities on. When stuck, we pulled one out and did that. Would something similar work for you?

Original poster

theautumnalmanac · 20/02/2022 10:13

Sex life - fine for me, I suspect he would want more. I'm just not a touchy feely person and since having a baby my body confidence is pretty low which doesn't help.

Years ago when we first got together, I was so amazed he even wanted to be with me, I would take the lead. However as we've got older, the responsibilities have piled up higher and higher and I find myself still taking the lead.

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Original poster

theautumnalmanac · 20/02/2022 10:16

I think it's important to mention that I'm not his exact opposite. I love having downtime too but honestly the 3 of us in a terraced house including a toddler who gets bored of pacing the same rooms for hours can get pretty stifling!

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EmmaH2022 · 20/02/2022 10:17

@theautumnalmanac

Sex life - fine for me, I suspect he would want more. I'm just not a touchy feely person and since having a baby my body confidence is pretty low which doesn't help.

Years ago when we first got together, I was so amazed he even wanted to be with me, I would take the lead. However as we've got older, the responsibilities have piled up higher and higher and I find myself still taking the lead.

Which responsibilities? It sounds like DH does the majority childcare when he's around, and his share of chores.

If you want to leave, then of course, leave. I just get a sense, especially with the PND, that you are giving him a hard time. Re the HGV, he might not want to be away from DC so much.

You sound very bored of him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/02/2022 10:23

What do you think of his attitude re the HGV driving?. Something also that both your family and you paid for him to do because he had an inclination to try that. Now he’s basically knocked that on the head by no longer doing the online learning and pushing back the test date.

He has it well made with you here and he knows that as well. You met this person when you were in your late teens and had no real life experience behind you either.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/02/2022 10:25

@EmmaH2022

Him playing with his own son, aka doing the fun bits, while OP has to plan and do almost everything else does not equate to him doing his share. She says:

I decide how we eat, live and spend our free time. Meal planning, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, clothing our son, and thinking about the weekend all fall to me because partner is not empowered to make any of these decisions

Original poster

theautumnalmanac · 20/02/2022 10:27

@EmmaH2022 I spend 2 days a week just DS and I and I get up with him every morning. I just wanted to clarify that we do share this as would be expected. I just wish we could share everything else too.

Completely understand he may feel this way about HGV but unfortunately I am not a mind reader. I have asked if he'd like to discuss it but all I have to go on is he's said it's something he'd like to pursue but finds it hard to find the time for.

Im hoping to find some sort of middle ground between just shutting up and accepting and leaving the relationship.

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Original poster

theautumnalmanac · 20/02/2022 10:30

@AttilaTheMeerkat I'm upset re HGV situation. He tells me that he's chasing them up for another test date but they're not getting back to him. I ask every week even though I want to ask every day.

I am more than happy to support him through this but he needs to ask. I'm happy to turn the telly off every night and do some revision with him and he knows that.

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Dibdobdab · 20/02/2022 10:35

He may have ADHD and problems with executive function. That might explain the lack of motivation and inability to start things and organise himself. People with adhd can organise themselves to do stuff they are interested at the moment but struggle to do routine stuff or stick at stuff they need to do. Is he forgetful and does he lose things? Does he make mistakes or zone in and out when people talk to him? If so, look at ADHD.

Mumof3confused · 20/02/2022 10:35

‘I'm happy to turn the telly off every night and do some revision with him and he knows that.’

This must be exhausting for you. Fine to treat a teenager like this. Your husband? Not so much.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/02/2022 10:36

Sadly I do not think there is any middle ground here. He is using his child as a reason not to do anything else because he had no time to do anything else.

Why years ago did you also feel amazed that he wanted to be at all with you?. That to me seems like an issue with your own self worth and self esteem.

EmmaH2022 · 20/02/2022 10:50

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@EmmaH2022

Him playing with his own son, aka doing the fun bits, while OP has to plan and do almost everything else does not equate to him doing his share. She says:

I decide how we eat, live and spend our free time. Meal planning, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, clothing our son, and thinking about the weekend all fall to me because partner is not empowered to make any of these decisions

[/quote]
Right, but we don't know if he'd decide all that if OP didn't.
It sounds like he did all that when OP had PND and it sounds like OP finds playing with her son boring.

I'll bow out now. I can see I'm not the only one who is a bit puzzled which makes me feel less confused!

Original poster

theautumnalmanac · 20/02/2022 11:02

Thanks for your time @EmmaH2022 I've valued your perspective.

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