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Relationships

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Original poster

My partner has no aspirations or wants of his own

115 replies

theautumnalmanac · 19/02/2022 17:56

For background, my partner and I have been together for 12 years (since we were teenagers). He is kind, selfless and a brilliant dad to our 16 month old son). He's the kind of person who would drive to the other side of the city if you just happened to have a craving for a certain ice cream for example. Sounds great, right?

While he means well, this means that I end up making a huge proportion of decisions. I decide how we eat, live and spend our free time. Meal planning, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, clothing our son, and thinking about the weekend all fall to me because partner is not empowered to make any of these decisions.

When I have spoken to him about this, asked what he would like, he says that all he wants is for DS and I to be happy.

I should mention, he does not respond well to criticism and when we discussed this today, he shouted 'what do you want from me??' on paper, it sounds sort of understandable but is it really unreasonable of me to crave someone who will come up with a way we can all spend time together. Absolutely anything - let's all bake together, let's all go out to eat, let's go to a soft play centre, how about I get my parents to watch DS and I'll take you out.

I have booked a couple of nights way for my 30th soon, just me and him. I didn't expect him to pay or anything but he doesn't seem to want to sit and plan the trip with me, contribute any ideas or anything. It just does not occur to him to make romantic gestures or plan surprises.

I'm sorry this is a bit of a mad jumble. I just wanted to get everything down to hear people's thoughts.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2022 18:33

You sound like his personal support human which is what he wants you to be. He is no fool here; he's had you well trained over the years to tacitly accept this crap from him.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/02/2022 18:34

My ex husband was like this. Note ex. I am very very much happier without him. I no longer am disappointed by him on a daily basis.

oldestmumaintheworld · 19/02/2022 18:35

My ex was like this and got worse and worse. I felt like I was doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. In the end I got sick of always being'in charge'. It's very unsexy in a man to be so passive. Now he's my ex.

Original poster

theautumnalmanac · 19/02/2022 18:37

Absolutely not making excuses for him but I suppose what I originally meant by brilliant dad is that he gets home from work, feeds DS his tea, baths him, plays with him and then takes him to bed. When I am doing all of the housework, he very much takes over with the child care. He genuinely loves all the playing, while I find it a bit tedious. Am I being unreasonable? Do I 'want it all'? My own dad was amazing. He would always be looking up places to go, was a great listener while also passionate about his hobbies. Before I wrote this post, I've always believed holding him in such high regard has meant my partner has never been able to live up to my expectations, but maybe not.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 19/02/2022 18:42

Does he do anything for other people op? It occurred to me one day with my ex that whilst he organised the square root of fuck all for us to do as a couple for years, he was perfectly capable of organising a golf tour for him and his mates. He'd just checked out. Years and years before our relationship actually ended, which I can only see now with the benefit of hindsight.

Original poster

theautumnalmanac · 19/02/2022 18:43

@whenwilliwillibefamous while it sounds a bit cruel, it is a bit like this! If it weren't for how funny and kind he is, I'm not sure we could have lasted so long. We laugh constantly and he completely understands that when i talk about external problems. Sometimes I just wonder if that's enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

theautumnalmanac · 19/02/2022 18:45

@arethereanyleftatall he's really quite poor at organising anything tbh. His gifts for his family are pretty thoughtless unless I have a part in it. He has a couple of friends he will only see if they invite him along.

OP posts:

Beachsidesunset · 19/02/2022 18:46

If he 'only wants to make you happy' then tell him it would make you happy for him to be more assertive/proactive. See what he does then.

Original poster

theautumnalmanac · 19/02/2022 18:49

I should mention also that when we discuss this, he is quite quick to back down and it turns into a bit of a pity party. 'im sorry, you're right' doesn't resolve the problem.

OP posts:

EmmaH2022 · 19/02/2022 18:57

[quote theautumnalmanac]@arethereanyleftatall he's really quite poor at organising anything tbh. His gifts for his family are pretty thoughtless unless I have a part in it. He has a couple of friends he will only see if they invite him along.[/quote]
Can he do the important stuff though? Still a bit unclear.

If you went away for a fortnight, would the household, the finance, the childcare etc still run?

WildPoinsettia · 19/02/2022 18:57

He's lazy. Like he'll have a relationship if you present him with one already sorted and all he has to do is show up.

It's very passive. Some people are though.

The getting aggressive when you call him on it is wrong. You should be able to discuss something you're not happy with in the relationship without getting aggressive responses. That also tells you he has no interest in changing and won't change.

We all have personality flaws, I'm guessing lack of ambition and passivity is his. It's a biggie though. Depends if it's a deal breaker for you.

The plus point is you get your own way all the time and he genuinely doesn't mind, even if that means sending him to the other side of town for an ice cream. There's worse ways to live. 🤷

Shdsubsh · 19/02/2022 19:00

My partner can be like this too - it's very hard work having to decide what to do every day. I think growing up his mum did everything - the organising of everything and housework and his dad often just gives his mum money for Christmas presents...

Original poster

theautumnalmanac · 19/02/2022 19:01

@EmmaH2022 have had to really think about this. I think yes, if I was away for a while it would be ok. He just probably wouldn't be able to do things to my standard. They would likely live on the same sort of food day in day out and do very mundane repetitive activities. The funny and kind of heartbreaking thing is, if I ever ask DS to be handed over to me, DS will get so upset and want to go back to his dad. I'm probably cementing this further by keeping myself busy with everything else.

OP posts:

TravellingFrom · 19/02/2022 19:06

He has handed all the tag sort of responsibility to you and doesn’t want anything to do with him.
Basically he is living as a child with you dealing with EVERYTHING that isn’t directly his (so work and playing with his dc)

All the rest, all the responsible stuff is down to you.

He isnt going to change unless you make him responsible for something and then step back. And let him fail if need be. Just like a child really.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2022 19:28

"Absolutely not making excuses for him but I suppose what I originally meant by brilliant dad is that he gets home from work, feeds DS his tea, baths him, plays with him and then takes him to bed".

That is really the barest of bare minimums here; parenting 101 infact. That is not him being a brilliant dad.

What about him actually being nice to you as this child's mother by being an adult who also makes decisions and carries some of the mental load you alone carry?. You are indeed here his support human but he is not supporting you any.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/02/2022 19:29

This is such a difficult one because he (and others like this) aren't really doing anything 'wrong'.
But it means for you constant work, you carry all the pressure, constant disappointment, it's mentally exhausting.
And the thing is, they don't get it, never will.
So it's up to you to decide if it's a dealbreaker or not.
As I said upthread, I am absolutely flabbergasted by how much nicer my life is without someone like this draining my energy. I was fortunate, mine had an affair, so I got to get out. If he hadn't have done, I'd still be putting all the effort in and carrying bitterness permanently.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2022 19:31

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here?. Would you want him to behave as his own father does in a relationship; no you would not but you will be further showing him that this from his father is acceptable to you on some level.

M0RVEN · 19/02/2022 19:36

My partner has no aspirations or wants of his own

This is your thread title OP. But as far as I can see, it’s not the issue at all. Your partner knows and gets exactly what he wants - for you to carry all the responsibility for everything in his life except his work.

His contribution to parenting is to play with the kids while you work . That doesn’t make him an amazing dad, really it doesn’t.

And when you ask him to share some of the load, you get push back.

Driving across the city to buy Ice cream while you stay at home watching the kids, doing a load of washing and checking the bills are paid doesn’t make him a lovely person.

Calmdown14 · 19/02/2022 19:39

Oh I get you! I have a similar one.
The improvements I've found:

added him to the Amazon prime membership but with his own card (which I applied for on line!) He is now much better at ordering things without any prompt from kids shoes to silicone for the bathroom
he took over the food shopping in lockdown as he was out of house anyway and he's kept doing it. And is now actually really good at it
I get more annual leave so I do trips away with just the kids (my family are far away so it means I get more time with them) and I try to book something most months. Nothing fancy, cheap caravan holidays, a night in a Premier Inn etc. That way we get a good balance at weekends. I don't mind just walking locally if I know I have something coming up

Being content in the smaller things in life isn't a bad thing if you can balance it out with the odd adventure

duchessofmuchos · 19/02/2022 19:59

My DH similar. Been married for more that 25 years - he's a keeper. Cooks, cleans, does the washing, fantastic with the kids kids pitching in, will do anything to help t them, will drive across the country for us or anyone really. Hard working in home and work. He will help anyone with anything.

He does have a niche hobby which absorbs him so he initiates that cos I have zero interest! He could plan a DIY project no problem.

But he has never ....
organised a holiday
Booked a restaurant
Arranged a day out
Invited friends over for dinner
Organised a birthday party
Got presents for the kids (unless o told him to buy it)
Sorted Xmas (food or presents)
Every meal he says ... what are we having for dinner? (Unless I wrote a menu plan)

But he'll do any job I give him to contribute to any of the above. And willingly

I've had to accept that he just can't do it. He's not lazy but he lacks inspiration.

I'm the organiser of everything which yes gets me down sometimes as I have full time job. But on plus side he is kind, hardworking and will do anything I ask. Some people aren't born to be leaders or planners. I just even it out a bit by not feeling guilty if he's cooking dinner and I'm on Mumsnet!

EmmaH2022 · 19/02/2022 20:29

[quote theautumnalmanac]@EmmaH2022 have had to really think about this. I think yes, if I was away for a while it would be ok. He just probably wouldn't be able to do things to my standard. They would likely live on the same sort of food day in day out and do very mundane repetitive activities. The funny and kind of heartbreaking thing is, if I ever ask DS to be handed over to me, DS will get so upset and want to go back to his dad. I'm probably cementing this further by keeping myself busy with everything else.[/quote]
I can see I'm alone here but I can't see that he's doing anything wrong, unless your standards are low, which I guess they aren't.

Is it that, without you around, he'd stick to a routine that you'd consider boring?

I think you're just very different. If I were a parent, I'd be like him. As it is, I find ordinary life hard enough. If someone was on at me about creative gifts etc I'd be annoyed.

He doesn't sound like a manchild. And driving across town to fulfil ice cream wants sounds good!

EarthSight · 19/02/2022 20:35

The dynamic of this relationship is just wrong for you. I think you find him so passive that he must feel like an extra child to you. He must feel like you're never happy and that he's willing to do whatever you want....as long as he's asked to do it. He might prefer a set up where he works and the woman makes all of the household and domestic decisions, and he just follows. That might work for some couples, but it won't work for a lot of couples where both people work.

Does he have an identity? Not just a personality, but an identity of his own? Interests? Ideas?

EarthSight · 19/02/2022 20:39

@duchessofmuchos

He does have a niche hobby which absorbs him so he initiates that cos I have zero interest! He could plan a DIY project no problem.

But he'll do any job I give him to contribute to any of the above. And willingly

I've had to accept that he just can't do it. He's not lazy but he lacks inspiration.

@duchesofmuchos

This is very common I think. They can do it, they just don't want to, and for many men, a lot of these activities, like organising birthday parties, are women's work. It's women's work to prepare all the meals, and it's a man's work to sit down and be served and weighted upon.

If one day you said 'That's it. You're in charge of it all now. I'm not doing any of that'.....he probably still wouldn't do it. Either because he genuinely doesn't care, or because he's lazy.

Starwreck · 19/02/2022 20:40

My friends husband is like this but she loves it as she likes being in control and making decisions her way whilst he coasts along. It would drive me bananas though, I'd hate it. It doesn't really matter how others feel, how you feel is the important thing. It sounds like he does stuff he enjoys but opts out of anything else. The I just want you to be happy would also make me cringe.

duchessofmuchos · 19/02/2022 20:53

Earthsite - there might be a bit of that but he definitely isn't lazy. And he does dating that I'm not interested in and have not talent for.

And who says the planning is more important than the doing? In a company the manager doesn't do all the work! We don't have a gardener or a cleaner and I don't feel like I do any unfair share. I suppose my point is that not everyone is good at the same things.

Honestly if my DH planned a birthday party it would be rubbish! I'm much better at it - same with hosting a dinner party. I couldn't plan renovating a bathroom and do the tiling. I guess I could learn if I had to but I don't really want to.

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