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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

‘Dating Ghosting’ :(

119 replies

LydiaViolet25 · 16/02/2022 17:40

Heya guys seeking wisdom-advice-talk.

I had a man I was dating for a few months however he ceased communication like out of just nowhere and was being off alittle and quiet so when I got ignored and blocked a few weeks ago from all ways of being able to contact him he’s come back a few weeks after it by apologising saying it was nothing to do with me that he had a bad time and he got really down because his ex wife stopped him seeing his 2 children because of an issue of their “financial agreement” from their divorce 4 years ago basically ex wife stopped paying the mortgage of the family home like it was agreed on their financial
Settlement court order so when he confronted her on this the ex and that she had missed numerous payments but it had been happening more frequently recently and that she was breaching the court order would it says to do this ex got ‘nasty’ stopped him seeing the kids so he said he had to focus on going to court to see the kids and sort out the financial order at court and he got very down and depressed so blocked everything out but that he was ‘sorry’ but he had to focus on himself with no distractions as he was “spiralling down” he seemed pretty upset and genuine he said he wanted to give me an explanation and although he doesn’t deserve me he said he wanted to let me know …
but at the end of the day he ignored me for a few weeks and then blocked me from all forms of communication and I just don’t know if I can get over it but he keeps saying he doesn’t deserve another chance but would like another chance with me. I do have compassion as he loves those kids and sees them often but I just wish he would of told me about all that instead of blocking me and he keeps apologising saying he knows that but he was in a dark place and focusing on court and was sorry for the ignoring and blocks
Has anyone been through anything like that or would you forgive someone who blocked you or is it depending on the reason if you can forgive?

OP posts:

coldfeetmama · 16/02/2022 17:45

No , I'd think this was too much drama for a new relationship and it takes as much effort to sit and block on various platforms as it does to send a polite text saying " I've got a lot going on , sorry , hope to speak in a few weeks "

Coldiron · 16/02/2022 17:45

Not forgivable. He doesn’t respect you. Find someone better or be happy on your own.

Original poster

LydiaViolet25 · 16/02/2022 17:48

@coldfeetmama that’s what I said :( I said why couldn’t you just say that he just keeps apologising saying he got so down not seeing kids that he just blocked everything out. I only have texts and messenger so he blocked me on both of those

OP posts:

coldfeetmama · 16/02/2022 17:51

I think you deserve better
And who is to say this is the end of the drama between them ? Do you want to face this every time they have a disagreement about parenting / education / holidays / Xmas / money etc
I promise they will

Original poster

LydiaViolet25 · 16/02/2022 17:51

@Coldiron is the respect not there because of the block? What if he is really sorry or is there just no situation you can forgive a dating type of ghosting-blocking for?

Kind of sucks because I thought he really did care about him and I cared for him if he had just said something horrible is going on speak in a few weeks if I can I would of never of contacted him but maybe he thought I would so he blocked me? I don’t know but I guess people don’t think rational when they are not in beta frame of mind?

But in hindsight I just don’t know if I can move on from doing that but I still care

OP posts:

AnotherSillawithanS · 16/02/2022 17:53

It didn't work out with whoever she was.....

Original poster

LydiaViolet25 · 16/02/2022 17:53

@coldfeetmama seemed to have a pretty good relationship like picking the kids up and even going to a birthday party were they all were but when this breach of court agreement came up it went very nasty with the ex wife banning the kids from him 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

Suprima · 16/02/2022 17:53

@LydiaViolet25

Heya guys seeking wisdom-advice-talk.

This was all excuses for being out of contact- I’m afraid. You were seeing each other for a few months- men only share the details of ‘crazy ex’s’ and relationship dramas when they want to use it to benefit them, or to gain sympathy. If he liked you, he wouldn’t have ghosted you. If he wanted to be in touch, he would have done. You are now convenient to him, and he is bored- so back he is with his excuses.

Beware of men who use terms like ‘dark place’ and ‘spiralling down’- they are the real crazy ones and they are telling you exactly who they are.

I would still well clear- he isn’t going to bring anything positive into your life apart from drama and headfuckery.

Suprima · 16/02/2022 17:53

*steer well clear

Crumbs22 · 16/02/2022 17:54

Block him and move on OP. I would never 'forgive' ghosting.

Even if his reasons are true, he is not available to have any kind of meaningful dating experience let alone a relationship. So you'd be doing him a favour to drop him to sort himself out.

Original poster

LydiaViolet25 · 16/02/2022 17:55

@AnotherSillawithanS I wouldn’t of thought someone else although of course it did cross my mind :( but with him saying all this circumstances it’s obviously made me ponder and just wondering what do I do in this situation , I don’t liked he ceased completely with me without saying anything but then I feel compassion for the situation he’s been in

OP posts:

Suprima · 16/02/2022 17:55

[quote LydiaViolet25]@coldfeetmama seemed to have a pretty good relationship like picking the kids up and even going to a birthday party were they all were but when this breach of court agreement came up it went very nasty with the ex wife banning the kids from him 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
You shouldn’t even know about ex-wife nastiness. It’s been a few months, if that. This isn’t normal. He has spun you a line and you have taken it.

Honestly, your fanny should be shrivelling up at this nonsense. You shouldn’t be giving him the time of day.

Watchkeys · 16/02/2022 18:08

What makes you think you couldn't find someone drama free?

ChargingBuck · 16/02/2022 18:08

he keeps saying he doesn’t deserve another chance but would like another chance with me.

He's right, & never mind what he would like.
It's what you want that matters, & why would you want a flake who thinks he can pick you up & put you down whenever it suits him?
Plus ... far, FAR too much ex-drama.

You only have his word for it about the financials, & sure - he may love his kids, but he's bullshitting you about the house, so there's a chance he's bullshitting about the court/access palaver too.

because of an issue of their “financial agreement” from their divorce 4 years ago basically ex wife stopped paying the mortgage of the family home like it was agreed on their financial order
So ... the divorce was finalised 4 years ago, the financials went through a court order & therefore lawyers each side ... & he claims that he's affected by whether his wife pays her mortgage or not?
Crap.
No lawyer would sign their client up to that level of exposure.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2022 18:10

You would have to either be mad or a fool to take him back. He has shown you clearly who he really is, and that's a twat with absolutely no character.

Original poster

LydiaViolet25 · 16/02/2022 18:12

@ChargingBuck I did believe it as I too have a financial court order with my ex husband we have a family home in our names but I pay the full mortgage if I stopped paying it I know my ex husband would claim breach of court order and probably take me back to court I would never risk my child home so I would never miss, so when he said his ex wife stopped paying for months and was worried to approach her so when he has done she stopped him seeing the kids and it’s all gone through court about kids access and the financial breach of her part x

OP posts:

Original poster

LydiaViolet25 · 16/02/2022 18:16

@Crumbs22 that’s what my concern was that even if the reasons were genuine I think they are I’m worried he’s not emotionally available ..I know we all have some sort of issues but he does seem genuinely remorseful I’m debating with myself and listing to comments on here to either agree to other chance but not like sleep together just go back to just dating for example say 3 months just dating and see how it is if anything happens or another blocking episode for example? Or the other option is to yes just forget it but hard when you care about someone isn’t it

OP posts:

coldfeetmama · 16/02/2022 18:20

It's entirely up to you @LydiaViolet25

No one can tell you what to do
But have a quick look through the posts on here

When a man shows you who he is - listen to him !

Original poster

LydiaViolet25 · 16/02/2022 18:26

@coldfeetmama I know I’m just reading through them all. I’m just so disappointed but at the same time he seems genuine and is texting me since and we had a in depth conversation a few days ago were he seemed sorry and said he would understand if I didn’t want to see him anymore , I mean is there any circumstances were it’s forgivable for ghosting or any mistakes the new bae’s make I mean surely people do make mistakes I can think of heaps that I did during my marriage if every time I did that I would of never been married or got with anyone serious haha!

OP posts:

coldfeetmama · 16/02/2022 18:30

That is true - none of us are perfect

You are listening to his words that seem genuine

But ignoring his actions which were very genuine

Do as you like , but keep your wits , your heart , your purse and your legs to yourself until you feel sure you trust him enough to share

Personally I'd not bother at all

DatingDinosaur · 16/02/2022 18:50

Regardless of the compassion/empathy you feel for his personal circumstances, are you happy to sit around waiting for him to contact you and, if/when he doesn’t, be sitting there wondering if it’s another ghosting session from him whilst he deals with more family issues?

Listen to your feelings. You didn’t like / was confused by being blocked. A couple of months isn’t really that long and it shouldn’t be this complicated so early on. A couple of months is far easier to recover from than a lot longer down the line when you’re more emotionally invested and he’s done it again for the tenth time.

Personally, anyone blocking me gets an instant reciprocal block/ignore and I’m not interested in the reasons why but I’ve developed a zero tolerance for flakey shit just recently. It’s not what I’m looking for and I don’t want to get caught up in drama not of my doing.

”I just don’t know if I can move on from doing that but I still care”

If that’s the case, could you let him know you understand his situation, no hard feelings. And wish him well/hope things get easier for him soon? And move on. You’re not being unkind, you’re allowing him the space and freedom to get his family issues sorted out and more on an even keel whilst protecting yourself from getting emotionally hurt (again).

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2022 18:59

I’m just so disappointed but at the same time he seems genuine

Skilled liars are very good at seeming genuine. I'm wondering if you have any boundaries at all if you're willing to fall for this bullshit.

MrsBerthaRochester · 16/02/2022 18:59

Dick is abundant and low value. Remember this the next time he pulls this crap.

KilmordenCastle · 16/02/2022 19:04

OP it's clear from your posts that you are going to give him another chance. You could have a thousand replies saying not to but I think you've already made up your mind. I suspect you posted on here in the hopes that PP's would agree with you to confirm to yourself that you are definitely making the right decision.

But...... its also really clear to everyone on here that you should absolutely NOT be giving him a second chance. As a pp has already mentioned, it would have been easier to send you a quick message to say that he has a lot going on and won't be in contact for a while. My guess is he is lying through his teeth. He probably had someone else on the go and thought it was getting serious so blocked you. Now that has fizzled out so he's trying his luck with you again.

Decent, honest men that are truly interested in a woman don't just ghost her when they've got stuff going on.

Original poster

LydiaViolet25 · 16/02/2022 19:12

@KilmordenCastle yeah I know :( that’s exactly what I thought truly honest men that are interested wouldn’t ghost no matter what’s going on surely :(

OP posts:

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