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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

‘Dating Ghosting’ :(

119 replies

LydiaViolet25 · 16/02/2022 17:40

Heya guys seeking wisdom-advice-talk.

I had a man I was dating for a few months however he ceased communication like out of just nowhere and was being off alittle and quiet so when I got ignored and blocked a few weeks ago from all ways of being able to contact him he’s come back a few weeks after it by apologising saying it was nothing to do with me that he had a bad time and he got really down because his ex wife stopped him seeing his 2 children because of an issue of their “financial agreement” from their divorce 4 years ago basically ex wife stopped paying the mortgage of the family home like it was agreed on their financial
Settlement court order so when he confronted her on this the ex and that she had missed numerous payments but it had been happening more frequently recently and that she was breaching the court order would it says to do this ex got ‘nasty’ stopped him seeing the kids so he said he had to focus on going to court to see the kids and sort out the financial order at court and he got very down and depressed so blocked everything out but that he was ‘sorry’ but he had to focus on himself with no distractions as he was “spiralling down” he seemed pretty upset and genuine he said he wanted to give me an explanation and although he doesn’t deserve me he said he wanted to let me know …
but at the end of the day he ignored me for a few weeks and then blocked me from all forms of communication and I just don’t know if I can get over it but he keeps saying he doesn’t deserve another chance but would like another chance with me. I do have compassion as he loves those kids and sees them often but I just wish he would of told me about all that instead of blocking me and he keeps apologising saying he knows that but he was in a dark place and focusing on court and was sorry for the ignoring and blocks
Has anyone been through anything like that or would you forgive someone who blocked you or is it depending on the reason if you can forgive?

OP posts:
wingscrow · 16/02/2022 23:28

Don't give him a second chance. Too much drama and you now know how he reacts when under pressure, i.e. badly....

A mature, decent guy would have told you that he was going through some issues and needed time to sort them out, not just blocked you out of the blue.

Also, do you even know if any of his story is really true? to me it is almost always a red flag when a man talks about this crazy, nasty ex.

Too much drama and he sounds unstable.

I would personally cut my losses and run.

Iamnotamermaid · 16/02/2022 23:36

No reason why he could not say that he had family issues to deal with and will be in touch in a few weeks, apologies for the absence of communication until then.

Blocking & ghosting you is a rubbish way to handle the situation - shows he has little respect for you and/or emotional intelligence.

Livandme · 16/02/2022 23:39

Too much drama. He's always going to have excuses. Don't bother and save yourself future heartache.

amiafreakofnature · 16/02/2022 23:48

Just remember you won't be the one to change him. 'Crazy ex' prob thought she could too

Momijin · 17/02/2022 03:11

Blocking is quite a serious thing to do imo. I have blocked very few people and it usually wasnt a quick decision.

I think he was with another woman and didn't want your messages or calls coming through whilst he was with her.

It takes 30 seconds to write a message explaining that you're in a rough place that you'll be back in touch when it's all good again.

Mom2K · 17/02/2022 04:03

Block him and move on. He has shown you who he is. Whether the excuse is valid or not - this is how he is when facing difficulty. He shuts down and blocks you out. And if you take him back, all it does is show him that he can get away with this. He will keep doing it. He will get worse. And most importantly here, he only cares about his own feelings. There was no regard whatsoever about how his actions (no matter what he was going through) was going to hurt someone else. He is selfish. You can do better.

As a pp said...it took effort for him to block you. He could have easily put that energy into a text, even if it was just a quick one to say he was dealing with some things and needed a little space. Ghosting is nasty.

MrsToddsShortcut · 17/02/2022 04:22

What do you want?

You are spending a huge amount of energy going over and over the ins and outs of his life/ex/kids/divorce. This is not fun for you!

The first few months of a new relationship should be amazing and fun and the bit where you are both on your best behaviour and trying to impress each other. It should exciting and most of all, you should be enjoying yourself.

You are definitely not enjoying yourself. You are investing most of your energy in overanalysing everything he has said and done with regard to his frankly complicated life.

How do you really feel? Is this what you want? Focus on yourself instead of him and think about whether his erratic up and down contact is making you happy.

You are spending so much time focusing on the whys and wherefores of his life that you seem to have forgotten that you have a choice here. If this isn't making you happy, you can walk away.

Give yourself some value! You aren't a support human who is there to mop his brow when he has a financial argument with his ex. You deserve someone who will be invested in you; want to see you, do things and get to know eachother and maybe build a relationship.

But all this hassle and uncertainty after only a few months? Walk away. You are worth so much more than this. And maybe think about some counselling - it might be useful to explore why you are focussing so much energy outwards instead of thinking about what you want - you are allowed to have needs and wants and desires and you deserve someone who will respect that and respect you.

As my grandmother used to say, "Put a price in your head!". Thanks

LydiaViolet25 · 17/02/2022 12:09

I’m reading all messages …I’m just so upset that it’s ended like this I thought maybe I could move on if he showed how much he cared and was sorry but everyone is right a block is very final but to unblock after such a short time what does that show? Does that show emotionally unavailability perhaps?

Thanks everyone I really I’m taking everything in what episode have written and taken the time to respond

OP posts:
JustMsInvisible · 17/02/2022 12:13

On this morning today a woman had decided to go NC but didn’t tell her friends so they were asking her why she did it and does she not want to be friends. The advice she was given is that’s it’s ok to go NC/screen detox but her friends are annoyed because they didn’t know what was going on.
I think he should have told you that he wasn’t going to be around becomes of issues and then you’d have known. But he didn’t and he was rude not to say anything.
I’d block him and move on. Who needs that sort of crap

Viviennemary · 17/02/2022 12:14

No I dont think it would be wise to give him another chance. He dealt with it in a very selfish way not giving a thought to how you felt when he blocked and ghosted you.

BlondeDogLady · 17/02/2022 12:22

Well, I'm quite cynical, but I don't believe his story for one moment.

I think he started seeing someone else, blocked you, then that woman didn't work out, so he's come back to you for an ego stroke or a quick shag, or probably both.

Even if his story is true (which it isn't), be prepared to get blocked and ghosted every time something happens in his life that he can't deal with - because he sounds like a teenager who can't deal with his emotions or any practicalities of life without crashing and burning.

he got very down and depressed so blocked everything out but that he was ‘sorry’ but he had to focus on himself with no distractions as he was “spiralling down”

I'd run a mile from any bloke who came out with this crap.

Does he hold down a job? Did he go to work this whole time? Did he shower? Did he shop for food? Did he eat? Funny how he can do all of those things, but not take 30 seconds to text you.

BlondeDogLady · 17/02/2022 12:33

He blocked you, so he could be relaxed around the other woman, without the worry of a text popping up from Lydia, that would cause him trouble.

Now OW is off the scene, it's easier to get back in touch with you for sex, because it will be quicker and easier than starting right at the beginning with someone completely new.

He won't just be texting you. He will have used the scatter gun approach with lots of women stored in his phone, and he will go with the ones that reply.

FragileLikeABomb · 17/02/2022 12:53

I can understand the stress he must have gone through with regards to not seeing his kids (if that was the case) it would have been awful. Of course you’re gunna shut people out.

What you do, is up to you. For me I don’t think I’d be able trust that he wouldn’t block me again, that would be the dealbreaker.

Maybe give him some time to get his head sorted. You don’t have to completely cut contact, but don’t be as available.

RantyAunty · 17/02/2022 13:09

He's been lying to you.
Think about it. Would you completely ghost and block somebody you cared about?

I get you want to believe him because you like him.
He's likely been talking to and seeing other women the entire time.

Pesimistic · 17/02/2022 13:11

Don't bother with him. Don't believe what he's said, it sounds like bollocks to me, fabricated to make you feel sorry for him so he can get his leg over and then leave ypu in the dust again. What's realy happened is he met someone else, messed about with them or has nit got very far with someone who has got rid of him, now he's back to you again, leave him well alone, don't give him the satisfaction of a message either.

phizog · 17/02/2022 13:41

@LydiaViolet25

I’m reading all messages …I’m just so upset that it’s ended like this I thought maybe I could move on if he showed how much he cared and was sorry but everyone is right a block is very final but to unblock after such a short time what does that show? Does that show emotionally unavailability perhaps?

Thanks everyone I really I’m taking everything in what episode have written and taken the time to respond

Oh OP, you're being very naive. There is absolutely no reason for someone to BLOCK you unless they're afraid your messages will be seen by someone else, or you've really pissed them off. It's a lot of effort to block someone like this. He can't have cared for you at all if he wasn't even bothered to explain his behaviour.

Please don't believe his drama llama story - going into so much detail to explain his behaviour is him making up excuses - it's likely he tried to get with someone else, or with his ex, and it didn't work out. And he knows you're gullible enough (because of your feelings) to take him back. Don't fall for BS excuses like this. If he had said he had a lot going on and needed time and space away, then yes, you can give him another chance.

But he blocked you. Blocked you. Like those months you spent together meant nothing. Maintain your dignity and walk away.

phizog · 17/02/2022 13:43

but to unblock after such a short time what does that show? Does that show emotionally unavailability perhaps?

He was seeing someone and it didn't work out. Or he's mentally unstable and loves drama. Neither are good options for you.

Sonaftersonafterson · 17/02/2022 14:01

He is lying. Who behaves like that towards someone they actually give a shit about? No one.

No way should you give him a second chance.

LydiaViolet25 · 17/02/2022 14:31

@phizog that’s what I don’t get the block, if he had just said he needed some space or something and then contacted me much later I would of respected that more that’s why I’m obviously upset over the block and unblock after such a short time has confused me. I do want to maintain dignity he knows I’ve done nothing wrong he keeps saying he’s been a d*ck etc . I don’t feel bad at all I know I did nothing I just got randomly blocked with no explanation to why the day he blocked me. You’re right. I was hoping not about another woman but it’s not impossible of course not. That’s what I’m worried now about that he’s done it once something could get him down again and I get blocked even though I did nothing again

OP posts:
LydiaViolet25 · 17/02/2022 14:31

Reading everyone’s new responses ♥️

OP posts:
BlondeDogLady · 17/02/2022 14:49

[quote LydiaViolet25]**@phizog* that’s what I don’t get the block, if he had just said he needed some space or something and then contacted me much later I would of respected that more that’s why I’m obviously upset over the block and unblock after such a short time has confused me. I do want to maintain dignity he knows I’ve done nothing wrong he keeps saying he’s been a dck etc . I don’t feel bad at all I know I did nothing I just got randomly blocked with no explanation to why the day he blocked me. You’re right. I was hoping not about another woman but it’s not impossible of course not. That’s what I’m worried now about that he’s done it once something could get him down again and I get blocked even though I did nothing again[/quote]
He's blocked you because he didn't want messages from Lydia popping up on his screen.

Now ask yourself "why?".

The only plausible reason, is another woman.

LydiaViolet25 · 17/02/2022 15:18

@BlondeDogLady abs now that’s fizzled out so he unblocked me to see if he had a shot?

OP posts:
BlondeDogLady · 17/02/2022 15:26

[quote LydiaViolet25]@BlondeDogLady abs now that’s fizzled out so he unblocked me to see if he had a shot?[/quote]
That's the only reason I can think of. Nothing else makes sense.

But even if he wasn't lying, his version of the truth still isn't good enough treatment of you. I think if you gave him another chance, you've set the bar very low (and he'll know that), and I think he'd mess you around forever more.

SunflowerTed · 17/02/2022 15:46

Give him another chance. He is obviously in love with you. It was just a blip

ChargingBuck · 17/02/2022 15:53

@SunflowerTed

Give him another chance. He is obviously in love with you. It was just a blip
Grin Grin Grin

Sure, sure ... ghosting someone is just a blip.
Because it's absolutely fine to turf someone out of your life with no explanation, not give a shit about their worry or hurt, & then snap your fingers for them to run back to you once you have failed to shag someone else decided you want them back again.