‘Dating Ghosting’ :(

[LydiaViolet25]

Heya guys seeking wisdom-advice-talk.

I had a man I was dating for a few months however he ceased communication like out of just nowhere and was being off alittle and quiet so when I got ignored and blocked a few weeks ago from all ways of being able to contact him he’s come back a few weeks after it by apologising saying it was nothing to do with me that he had a bad time and he got really down because his ex wife stopped him seeing his 2 children because of an issue of their “financial agreement” from their divorce 4 years ago basically ex wife stopped paying the mortgage of the family home like it was agreed on their financial
Settlement court order so when he confronted her on this the ex and that she had missed numerous payments but it had been happening more frequently recently and that she was breaching the court order would it says to do this ex got ‘nasty’ stopped him seeing the kids so he said he had to focus on going to court to see the kids and sort out the financial order at court and he got very down and depressed so blocked everything out but that he was ‘sorry’ but he had to focus on himself with no distractions as he was “spiralling down” he seemed pretty upset and genuine he said he wanted to give me an explanation and although he doesn’t deserve me he said he wanted to let me know …
but at the end of the day he ignored me for a few weeks and then blocked me from all forms of communication and I just don’t know if I can get over it but he keeps saying he doesn’t deserve another chance but would like another chance with me. I do have compassion as he loves those kids and sees them often but I just wish he would of told me about all that instead of blocking me and he keeps apologising saying he knows that but he was in a dark place and focusing on court and was sorry for the ignoring and blocks
Has anyone been through anything like that or would you forgive someone who blocked you or is it depending on the reason if you can forgive?

although he doesn’t deserve me he said he wanted to let me know

Run 1000 miles from anyone who starts with the "I don't deserve you" crap. It's emotionally manipulative. They do think they deserve you, in fact they think that they are better than you. It's a line and it's used deliberately to invoke sympathy and to get a whole load of "Of course you do, you're a great person" type comments.
No, no, no. I was badly burned by falling for this line that's why I'm so militant about it

Anyway, there's no excuse for blocking you like that. If he was having difficulties he could easily have sent a short message about it to let you know.

Maybe he did have problems with his ex-wife and maybe you could believe his story but this incident has shown you how he deals with any issue which comes up. He withdraws into himself, leaves others in the lurch/hanging on with no explanation, he "spirals downwards" (also evocative, manipulative language like the I don't deserve you thing, and then once the issue has been resolved he then reappears expecting to take up where he left off.
This is how he will react in any situations in the future and if you were to progress to a relationship with him, that's what your life would look like. Anything happens between you or there's an emergency with a child or job loss or whatever, he'll be off into his spiral of despair and leaving you to deal with the whole thing.

I'm not sure I believe you though. More likely he was dating someone else at the same time, thought things were progressing well with her, turned out they weren't that great or she dumped him and he decides to unblock previous online dating contacts to start up again with them..

You do not need this in your life.

That should say "I'm not sure I believe HIM"

Give him another chance. He is obviously in love with you. It was just a blip

PMSL
Sure he's in love with her.

he got very down and depressed so blocked everything out but that he was ‘sorry’ but he had to focus on himself with no distractions as he was “spiralling down”

Did he block his boss as well? His family? Did he basically go through his entire contact list and block everyone on there? Because unless he did that, he only decided to block you ..

@SunflowerTed what makes you say that?

@phizog I doubt he blocked anyone else

Christ, OP. You dated this person for a few months, I think you need to really examine why you’re obsessing over this so much.

This isn’t your long term partner in whom you’ve invested years. This is someone you dated for a very short period of time, who has disrespected you. MOVE. ON.

@Saysama it’s not that I was just shocked that I got unblocked that’s all and obviously he just shook me alittle because didn’t expect someone to block and unblock that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lucky yes you’re right it not years or investment it’s nothing compared to that

@Saysama
And It was months yeah but I still cared so bound to hurt and be abit confused with blocking / unblock -regardless it’s just lucky that it was not years of investment

Are you sure he didn't block you so nobody could find evidence of you?
That's what I'd be thinking tbh. Now the heats off it's safe to crack on again

Grand. So, now you block him (to stop any pointless communication) and you move on.

It’s done.

@WouldIwasShookspeared possibly anything is possible when we did talk about abit after the unblocking he kept photos of me from months ago as he sent one of me via online and I was surprised he still had a copy of that or any of photos he has of me if he had been seeing anyone else - those photos obviously was on his phone still so why not take them off after the blocking it it was to do with seeing someone else
(just a thought)

@Saysama I had done after the blocking all this was to sieve through confusion of someone I cared about and reasons possibly why I got blocked and unblocked and weighing it all up . I’ve had alot of responses

Thanks everyone for input

[quote LydiaViolet25]@WouldIwasShookspeared possibly anything is possible when we did talk about abit after the unblocking he kept photos of me from months ago as he sent one of me via online and I was surprised he still had a copy of that or any of photos he has of me if he had been seeing anyone else - those photos obviously was on his phone still so why not take them off after the blocking it it was to do with seeing someone else
(just a thought)[/quote]
You need to stop overthinking this.
The man is a flaky drama queen, & you are well rid.

There is no point trying to fathom his motivations.
What you need to do is acknowledge his behaviours, & move on.

OP - the hand wringing and overanalysing of his motivations is a big red flag of your own lack of self-esteem / assurance.

If someone ghosts and blocks you and then reappears with a load of lame unprovable excuses and then trots out the old ‘I don’t deserve you / another chance’ then surely you can see this is a load of utter tripe?

Don’t do it he will do it again

@Yamalt yes I can see that hence the confusion too still doesn’t make it feel good but yes I’ve accepted it for what is , I’m only replying now to posts because they keep being added but I’ve accepted the responses x

@Yamalt I wouldn’t say I have self esteem issues per say. I know I can be alittle naive in thinking the good in people sometimes but I’ve accepted the responses, thanks

You've dodged a bullet op. Don't waste your time thinking about it. Block delete and move on . Everything hes said to you is 100% percent bullshit. Raise the bar higher next time.

@SunflowerTed

Give him another chance. He is obviously in love with you. It was just a blip

I'm assuming this is sarcastic OP, as it appears to be what you want to hear.

Do you really want to be with someone who goes into a dark place and cuts you off...you will never know where you stand from one day to the next.

Do you like rescuing people? It sounds like you feel sorry for him

You're asking what you should do and whether you should believe him/give him another chance, but I don't really think that's the question here.
Whether his story is genuine or not doesn't matter. It's his problem not yours. And if it all really happened then that doesn't give him the right to act like a disrespectful twat. What any emotionally mature adult with manners would do is to call you, explain the situation, apologise and end things. I need to focus my energy on sorting out this issue etc etc. Do you really want to be involved with someone who isn't able to communicate with, explain to and respect others?

Secondly, whether his story is true or not he chose to drop you and ignore you. Now you get to choose whether you respect yourself enough and walk away or whether you allow him the opportunity to disrespect you again.

In all honesty I don't believe his story is the reason he ghosted you but let's say it is. Do you want that drama in your life? You seem very invested in something that was a few months old.

In all honesty I'd cut my loses, whether I believed him or not, whether I felt empathy for his situation or not id still throw this one back. Liking someone and wanting a relationship more than you want to be single is not enough to trade your peace happiness and self respect for.

They call them zombies. Someone who ghosts you and then reappears, seemingly coming back from the dead. Happens when something hasn’t quite worked out with someone else so they get back in touch. It’s up to you if want to be his back up.

Your naivety is quite frustrating to read
But you sound like you are:

• Kind
• Compassionate
• Understanding
• Loving
• Genuine
• Honest

By blocking you he has shown he doesn't have the same values you do. He has shown you he has complete opposite values to you By blocking you he knew that would hurt you He has intentionally caused you pain & confusion for weeks on end He "was in a dark place" He obviously did not care that blocking you might put you in a dark place though, did he It's not that he was too busy with his ex wife drama It's that he didn't want your messages or for you to have a way of contacting him The chances are very high that he has been with someone else this whole time & didn't want your messages popping up & couldn't be bothered with giving you any explanation Also think about if you were going through something shitty with your ex But had met someone great That new person would surely be the best part of your day A calm comfort in the middle of a shit storm Men generally do not cut off an avenue for sex unless there is another more promising lead Something doesn't add up because he is lying to you & your naivety makes you think he "sounds" genuine When his actions say the opposite If he had any integrity he would be wanting to protect you from his ex wife drama Not using it as an excuse Your boundaries are completely out of wack If your boundaries & self esteem was strong You would sense this unhealthy drama a mile off & run I know you want this to end up as a love story But can guarantee you that you will regret taking him back He will break your heart again & worse next time & you will feel an utter fool I don't think he has taken you to that point yet where you can say "enough's enough" Right now you just feel relieved he has contacted you & appears contrite It must feel so lovely to have him beg for you back right now after wondering for weeks what happened Sometimes we need to make mistakes & complete fools of ourselves Before we draw a line in the sand & say "no more" Mumsnet will be here when it falls apart again Because it will & it is your lesson to learn Naivety is not a good trait to have for a grown woman in today's dating world Right now you are probably thinking if you leave him you will always wonder "what if" So go have another go, so you don't have to always wonder Just be prepared for it to hurt a lot worse next time IMO

He was trying his luck with someone else for 3 weeks who threw him back into the dating pool. Someone else who saw through his bullshit in 3 weeks.

@Baconking no I don’t want that if someone in a dark place that can cut me off I never know where I’m at day by day. Yes I would say so maybe I like rescuing people as I’m an empath I do feel for people so maybe that’s why I’ve let the situation run longer than should (I agree yes I felt sorry for him at first but when it kept happening on repeat even after offering support it just kept happening that’s why i questioned it to myself and then with the block and unblock hence why I made a thread x

You’re all right