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Original poster

Valentine's Day pressure

110 replies

BirdsBirdsBird · 13/02/2022 22:35

DH announced on Friday that he'd taken the day off so we could do something nice for Valentine's Day. I usually do something with a friend on Monday afternoons, and would have preferred some notice, rather than letting her down but never mind it's nice that he's made an effort I thought.

His plan though is to drive 1.5 hours to a seaside town, which I do love visiting in the summer, but out of season there is nothing to do and he mentioned that the weather was forecast to be raining. I've tried to have another conversation this evening, but he just repeats that he likes to have a drive out, although it might be raining when we get there.

The problem is - I don't like having a drive for the sake of it. I get quite car sick and as a child spent part of every holiday being sick in the back of a car as my grandparents lived 7 hours drive away.

I eventually reminded DH that although I knew he liked a drive out, I didn't and couldn't see what he thought we could do when we got there, other than walk in the rain. Now he is looking sad and making me feel like an ungrateful cow. AIBU?

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 13/02/2022 22:48

Can’t you give the poor guy some credit for making an effort? Some women would kill for somebody bring so caring and planning something. Yes you do come across as very ungrateful

Original poster
BirdsBirdsBird · 13/02/2022 22:55

So you think I should pretend to be happy about spending the day doing something I don't enjoy?

OP posts:
doadeer · 13/02/2022 22:57

Couldn't you both just decide together what to do? Ie have a plan b if the weather is pants. It sounds like he did try to do something thoughtful.

LocalHobo · 13/02/2022 23:02

You said you love visiting this seaside town in the summer,so it seems perfectly reasonable your DH didn't consider travel sickness.
One of my favourite things is a beach walk in the rain as long as I can head swiftly off to a cosy pub with a roaring fire to dry off afterwards.

Original poster
BirdsBirdsBird · 13/02/2022 23:03

I know he did try to do something nice, however he hasn't actually given any thought to me, just what he would like. But given the reactions so far, I'm clearly in the wrong. Is our bar for our men so low that any vague attempt at romance should be given 100% approval, lest he is disappointed?

OP posts:
Original poster
BirdsBirdsBird · 13/02/2022 23:06

@LocalHobo

You said you love visiting this seaside town in the summer,so it seems perfectly reasonable your DH didn't consider travel sickness. One of my favourite things is a beach walk in the rain as long as I can head swiftly off to a cosy pub with a roaring fire to dry off afterwards.
That's great, I hope you have someone who would plan that for you. However I don't drink and don't enjoy walking in the rain. You would think that my DH of 20 years might now this by now. But clearly I'm an ungrateful bitch who doesn't know how lucky I am to have a day out (that I would not enjoy in the slightest) planned for me!
OP posts:
bongobingo43 · 13/02/2022 23:07

Maybe he's confused why you're okay going in the summer but get car sick in the rain?

If it's somewhere you go (at least semi regularly) he's probably assumed you're ok with the drive.

Littlepaws18 · 13/02/2022 23:07

Wow- when he planned it he had you in the forefront of his mind when he chose the destination! How on earth is that a low bar?!!! He wants to spend time with you, why can't you simply enjoy your time with him rather than moaning and being ungrateful.

bongobingo43 · 13/02/2022 23:08

And I wouldn't call taking a day off work specifically to spend it with you as a vague attempt at romance either tbh

ShineTogether · 13/02/2022 23:09

Maybe he has planned something nice and he's looking forward to treating you. Just go with it

Littlepaws18 · 13/02/2022 23:10

If you don't enjoy his suggestion- why don't you come up with an alternative? Or after 20 years would you rather just hang out with your friend?!

Original poster
BirdsBirdsBird · 13/02/2022 23:12

@bongobingo43

Maybe he's confused why you're okay going in the summer but get car sick in the rain?

If it's somewhere you go (at least semi regularly) he's probably assumed you're ok with the drive.

I get car sick on most journeys over an hour, but put up with it in order for us to do things together as a family that we all enjoy. It helps when I can do something outdoors when I do get out of the car.

I've spent an hour trying to find something indoors to do but there really isn't anything, other than looking in the shops.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2022 23:13

Do you like spending time with him?

Original poster
BirdsBirdsBird · 13/02/2022 23:14

So everyone is confirming that for men, any attempt at a romantic gesture is indeed enough, even if it is the opposite of what their partner would actually want to do. Great to learn this, I thought we'd moved on from the 1950s but clearly not, I will go and apologise profusely and spend the day pretending to enjoy myself and generally worshipping at his feet.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2022 23:15
Shock
bongobingo43 · 13/02/2022 23:16

@BirdsBirdsBird

So everyone is confirming that for men, any attempt at a romantic gesture is indeed enough, even if it is the opposite of what their partner would actually want to do. Great to learn this, I thought we'd moved on from the 1950s but clearly not, I will go and apologise profusely and spend the day pretending to enjoy myself and generally worshipping at his feet.
I'd be surprised if he even wants to with that attitude tbh
Pantsomime · 13/02/2022 23:19

Go with it - If you think he loves you - its what the day is meant to be about, its the feeling behind the showiness - be that 24 red roses, Michelins star meal, new undies etc or a ride out to the beach. If it feels like an empty gesture because he thinks he has to, don’t go

Squeezyhug · 13/02/2022 23:20

Maybe he had something else special planned as a surprise.
Maybe the trip to the seaside was a red herring ?

TunnelOfGoats · 13/02/2022 23:21

Based on your repeated arguing OP, it seems like you want everyone to agree with you and call him a useless, thoughtless selfish man. You sound like a sulky child tbh

Original poster
BirdsBirdsBird · 13/02/2022 23:24

@Squeezyhug

Maybe he had something else special planned as a surprise. Maybe the trip to the seaside was a red herring ?
Unfortunately not, I wish he had. I've asked him if he had any ideas what we could do apart from walking in the rain and he just repeated that he likes having a drive out. I'd love to spend a day with him doing something nice, and I was pleased that he'd thought about me a bit, but not that he seems to have no contigency plan for winter weather in February. Now either I pretend to be happy, so spend the day acting, or else I have to plan an alternative, like I do any family day out.
OP posts:
JayAlfredPrufrock · 13/02/2022 23:25

A long drive to the seaside in the rain?

I’ll get my raincoat.

Seriously I couldn’t think of anything worse.

Keepitonthedownlow · 13/02/2022 23:25

The fact he's going in sulk is a bit pathetic, why can't he be open to somewhere that you'd both like? Why is it his choice or nothing? If he's planned some amazing surprise that's one thing but it doesn't sound so.

Waffle · 13/02/2022 23:25

Is there anything decent at the seaside at all, like a nice restaurant? Although even that would not be fun I guess if you feel sick all the way home.

I'm also confused that mumsnet has gone back to the 50s.... surely a valentines day treat is a treat for both people in the relationship? Honestly I swear I live in a different world at times.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/02/2022 23:27

You sound quite angry.

Keepitonthedownlow · 13/02/2022 23:29

@MrsSkylerWhite

You sound quite angry.
What's wrong with the OP being angry? What a weird comment.