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Original poster

Valentine's Day pressure

110 replies

BirdsBirdsBird · 13/02/2022 22:35

DH announced on Friday that he'd taken the day off so we could do something nice for Valentine's Day. I usually do something with a friend on Monday afternoons, and would have preferred some notice, rather than letting her down but never mind it's nice that he's made an effort I thought.

His plan though is to drive 1.5 hours to a seaside town, which I do love visiting in the summer, but out of season there is nothing to do and he mentioned that the weather was forecast to be raining. I've tried to have another conversation this evening, but he just repeats that he likes to have a drive out, although it might be raining when we get there.

The problem is - I don't like having a drive for the sake of it. I get quite car sick and as a child spent part of every holiday being sick in the back of a car as my grandparents lived 7 hours drive away.

I eventually reminded DH that although I knew he liked a drive out, I didn't and couldn't see what he thought we could do when we got there, other than walk in the rain. Now he is looking sad and making me feel like an ungrateful cow. AIBU?

OP posts:

Holothane · 13/02/2022 23:29

Walking in the rain is not my idea of fun either, I feel for you OP on this one. Car sickness is dreadful as well, no I’m with you he should have asked you or gave you a couple of options . If h said oh it’s a gig tomorrow tomorrow want to come he knows full well my answers “no not a chance” .

Original poster

BirdsBirdsBird · 13/02/2022 23:30

@MrsSkylerWhite

You sound quite angry.

I am a bit shocked that, as a woman, I'm being told that I should be grateful for my life partner making any plan at all, even when it is one that isn't something I would want to do. Yes, I think that does make me feel a bit irritated.

OP posts:

SecretaryOfNagriculture · 13/02/2022 23:30

@BirdsBirdsBird

So everyone is confirming that for men, any attempt at a romantic gesture is indeed enough, even if it is the opposite of what their partner would actually want to do. Great to learn this, I thought we'd moved on from the 1950s but clearly not, I will go and apologise profusely and spend the day pretending to enjoy myself and generally worshipping at his feet.

😂

satelliteheart · 13/02/2022 23:30

I'm really surprised by the responses on this thread but I imagine they come from people who don't celebrate Valentine's day and think adults are pathetic if they celebrate their birthdays

Op, this is a shit plan. It's entirely for his benefit not yours. You're not unreasonable to not want to do something you know you won't enjoy and your husband is being pathetic to sulk about it. Going for a drive isn't a fun day out, it's a means to an end. If the destination is going to be shit there's no point doing the drive, especially if it'll make you sick. I would not be impressed by a walk in the rain, sounds awful and not in any way romantic

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/02/2022 23:31

Keepitonthedownlow

MrsSkylerWhite
You sound quite angry.
What's wrong with the OP being angry? What a weird comment.“

Not at all. Reads like this is the tip of an iceberg.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/02/2022 23:33

BirdsBirdsBird

MrsSkylerWhite
You sound quite angry.
I am a bit shocked that, as a woman, I'm being told that I should be grateful for my life partner making any plan at all, even when it is one that isn't something I would want to do. Yes, I think that does make me feel a bit irritated.“

Do you really feel he is your life partner?

Original poster

BirdsBirdsBird · 13/02/2022 23:34

NB I have booked an event for us both to go to in a few weeks time as my Valentine gift to him. It's something that neither of us have done before but I'm hoping we could both enjoy. I do want us to spend quality time together, and did look for an event on Valentine's day a while ago, but there is very little open on a Monday, so I booked something on a different date.

OP posts:

Keepitonthedownlow · 13/02/2022 23:37

@MrsSkylerWhite

Keepitonthedownlow

MrsSkylerWhite
You sound quite angry.
What's wrong with the OP being angry? What a weird comment.“

Not at all. Reads like this is the tip of an iceberg.

Apologies I misread your comment then.

SerendipitySunshine · 13/02/2022 23:40

Would going in the car make you vomit? If so I wouldn't go.

SteamPunks · 13/02/2022 23:41

What about the cinema nearby instead? Doesn't sound like he's really thought it through but at least he's taken the day off to spend with you. My dh still hasn't realised I'm not a morning person after a LOT of years so does surprise me that you live with a similar specimen that has forgotten you get car sick

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/02/2022 23:45

Keepitonthedownlow

MrsSkylerWhite
Keepitonthedownlow

MrsSkylerWhite
You sound quite angry.
What's wrong with the OP being angry? What a weird comment.“

Not at all. Reads like this is the tip of an iceberg.
Apologies I misread your comment then.“

Yes, read it back and see what you mean. Wasn’t a criticism, just felt something else must be going on.

Original poster

BirdsBirdsBird · 13/02/2022 23:47

Thanks to the people that do get where I was coming from. I'm glad that some people can see that a nice Valentine's Day (or any day really) outing is ideally something that both people would enjoy.

OP posts:

Nostrings457 · 13/02/2022 23:48

It wouldn’t be my cup of tea either OP and it would probably irritate me.

If you don’t go and tour DH died the following day would you regret it and wished you willingly & enjoyed the quality time together. Sometimes we let the small things get to us but the bigger picture you have a loving DH, he’s taken a day off work, planned something to do etc.. I would probably go and suggest some alternatives for Valentine’s Day 2023

Original poster

BirdsBirdsBird · 13/02/2022 23:50

@SteamPunks

I think we might end up going to the cinema near home instead. Hopefully we can both move on and enjoy the day.

OP posts:

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 13/02/2022 23:51

Some people do have very low expectations of their partners.
It sounds like a crap idea OP, and his sulking is very off putting indeed.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 13/02/2022 23:52

Sorry OP but you asked if YABU and you are. I get it's got it's downsides but he's clearly tried to do something nice for you are you're just complaining whatever he does.

slimshady18 · 13/02/2022 23:53

dont ask for advice if ur not willing to hear it, i feel bad for ur husband u sound like fucking hard work

prettyisall · 14/02/2022 00:16

He's probably been racking his brains thinking of things he knows you like to do that will last the day as he's booked it off.

He probably just thought as you love it in the summer, you may like it tomorrow too.

Albeit not the best one for you, at the thought is there...

VeganIsTheFuture · 14/02/2022 00:25

So everyone is confirming that for men, any attempt at a romantic gesture is indeed enough, even if it is the opposite of what their partner would actually want to do.

Lol. I’m with you OP. It just shows how low the bar is for men and many women are just grateful for anything. There’s no way I’d suffer travel sickness for a walk in the rain.

Eeyorepigletandpooh · 14/02/2022 01:02

YANBU and I would be most annoyed that he just assumed you would cancel your plans at the last minute with your friend.
It’s a lovely thought to take a day off to spend with you but he needs to consider you in this as well. I would also find the sulking very unattractive. Hopefully you can both come up with something to do you will both enjoy tomorrow.

Juliauns91 · 14/02/2022 01:10

I think it sounds lovely. A walk along the front at the seaside with my husband, wearing waterproofs and spotting the winter visitors on the beach, then fish and chips and a cup of tea. Sounds like heaven - I'll take that.

ChickenStripper · 14/02/2022 01:24

@BirdsBirdsBird

It's something that neither of us have done before but I'm hoping we could both enjoy

😂😂😂😂

Christoncrutches · 14/02/2022 01:36

There's definitely a way of asserting yourself in this situation without offending - eg 'I appreciate you've given it some thought, and taken some time off, but given that I can't enjoy a long drive because I get carsick, and there's little to do there this time of year, lets think of something else we'd both enjoy closer to home so we make the most of the time we'll have together'.

If he strops following a reasonable response, I definitely think you're warranted in having a wider reaching chat about his idea of what an equal relationship looks like.

Filthyslattern · 14/02/2022 01:38

what if he hates what you have bought him? will that be ok? will you be understanding?

Rickrollme · 14/02/2022 01:44

I’m with you OP. He planned a day out that he would enjoy and he’s making you feel guilty about it! He’s not some new boyfriend, he’s your husband, of course he knows what you would like. He probably even knows you normally have plans on Monday but he ignored it because wanted to be that guy who makes a dramatic gesture. But the worst part is once you said you weren’t up for it he is still pushing it rather than trying to plan something you actually want to do. A lot of of the PPs have a low bar indeed!

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