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Original poster

Valentine's Day pressure

110 replies

BirdsBirdsBird · 13/02/2022 22:35

DH announced on Friday that he'd taken the day off so we could do something nice for Valentine's Day. I usually do something with a friend on Monday afternoons, and would have preferred some notice, rather than letting her down but never mind it's nice that he's made an effort I thought.

His plan though is to drive 1.5 hours to a seaside town, which I do love visiting in the summer, but out of season there is nothing to do and he mentioned that the weather was forecast to be raining. I've tried to have another conversation this evening, but he just repeats that he likes to have a drive out, although it might be raining when we get there.

The problem is - I don't like having a drive for the sake of it. I get quite car sick and as a child spent part of every holiday being sick in the back of a car as my grandparents lived 7 hours drive away.

I eventually reminded DH that although I knew he liked a drive out, I didn't and couldn't see what he thought we could do when we got there, other than walk in the rain. Now he is looking sad and making me feel like an ungrateful cow. AIBU?

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 14/02/2022 08:46

How is this him planning anything though?
He's literally just said let's drive there, he didn't check the weather forecast, didn't check what they'll do when they get there (most things are closed which he wouldn't know as he left this to the OP), didn't check if the OP had plans for the day 🤔.

So basically he's taking somebody prone to car sickness on a long drive with no real purpose as a 'treat'.

Honestly, this thread really shows how much crap women end up doing as 'wifework' as he's put 0 effort in and the OP has tried to put in all of the planning and effort for his surprise. And when she's been unable to magic up something, he's the one sulking!

girlmom21 · 14/02/2022 08:47

If you get travel sick why don't you just drive there?

VeganIsTheFuture · 14/02/2022 08:51

Arranging a drive to the sea doesn't seem selfish to me.

When you suffer from travel sickness, the reason for travel has to really good to make it worth it. A walk in the rain in an seaside town out of season really wouldn’t be enough incentive.

SanFranBear · 14/02/2022 08:54

@CheshireChat

How is this him planning anything though? He's literally just said let's drive there, he didn't check the weather forecast, didn't check what they'll do when they get there (most things are closed which he wouldn't know as he left this to the OP), didn't check if the OP had plans for the day 🤔.

So basically he's taking somebody prone to car sickness on a long drive with no real purpose as a 'treat'.

Excellent post - sums up my thoughts exactly!

Ivyonafence · 14/02/2022 08:57

Do people not communicate with their spouses?

'What a nice thought DH, adding to that - I think lunch in a pub would be nicer than walking in bad weather. And given my carsickness would you mind if we went to X instead of Y?'

Instead people jump straight to sexism and wifework and men expecting to be worshipped at their feet. I'm not saying that's not the case but all this guy did was suggest a trip to the beach (a trip she's been happy to make before) without looking at the weather.

If your carsickness won't hack it then just say so. If he insists on a long drive despite that, then call him any name you want. But I don't think that's what's happened here.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 14/02/2022 08:57

Doesn’t sounds like she expected him to take th day of or organise something - his actions are entirely one-sided and a bit thoughtless.
Could He not have ASKED her what she’d like to do?

But by the same token the OP has booked something as gift to him hoping they could both enjoy, did the OP do any asking or just assume?

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/02/2022 08:59

YANBU. He shouldn’t be sulking and the plan sounds a bit half-arsed.

But. He didn’t do anything bad - you both just need to agree on something nice you both like.

Ivyonafence · 14/02/2022 09:09

One sided and thoughtless would be taking the day off work to go golfing or play video games. He's planned an outing with his wife because he thinks you'll enjoy spending time together. He was wrong about the specifics but the thought was there.

It's very confusing that in the summer you're not too carsick to go there but in the winter you are. And you're shooting down reasonable suggestions like sitting in a cosy pub at the beach by saying you don't drink. You're very all or nothing in your thinking OP. There's lots to do in a pub apart from drinking alcohol. You could have a hot chocolate or a meal or play pool or watch the ocean or whatever.

I find this all or nothing/black and white thinking can be really limiting. The world, and especially relationships are full of grey. He didn't knock this plan out of the park, I agree, but that doesn't make him a dick or you a victim of dickery. I'm not surprised you hurt his feelings if you came at him with a 10th of the aggression you've shown on the thread.

This isn't a gendered thing. If if made a plan my DH didn't like I'd rather he thanked me for the idea, told me his concern and suggested something else - rather than act like I've fucked up and being angry and complaining about me on the internet

SunflowerTed · 14/02/2022 09:21

@BirdsBirdsBird

So everyone is confirming that for men, any attempt at a romantic gesture is indeed enough, even if it is the opposite of what their partner would actually want to do. Great to learn this, I thought we'd moved on from the 1950s but clearly not, I will go and apologise profusely and spend the day pretending to enjoy myself and generally worshipping at his feet.

I actually feel sorry for the guy. You sound a very angry, bitter lady

foreverandalways · 14/02/2022 09:31

My husband and I have a really nice lunch booked then onto the cinema.....give your man some credit....wrap up warm and go x

crabappleof · 14/02/2022 09:37

You do sound a bit ungrateful, sorry to say OP. Maybe you take him for granted?

ChickenStripper · 14/02/2022 09:58

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow

*Doesn’t sounds like she expected him to take th day of or organise something - his actions are entirely one-sided and a bit thoughtless. Could He not have ASKED her what she’d like to do?*

But by the same token the OP has booked something as gift to him hoping they could both enjoy, did the OP do any asking or just assume?

Glad you spotted this as well!

howtoleaveit · 14/02/2022 10:06

It would be a no from me. That’s 3 hours in the car if you don’t hit traffic. Say I really appreciate the thought but I get car sick and I’d rather go to the cinema or a nice pub lunch. He obviously wants to be adventurous so compromise and go somewhere closer?

CheshireChat · 14/02/2022 10:30

@Ivyonafence the OP did tell him. He's now sulking.

Plus, that's 3hrs of feeling crap for the OP at a min and however long it takes her afterward to feel better that can be another 3hrs (or it used to be the case for me). That's a long time to feel miserable for the sake of a walk in the rain.

SexTrainGlue · 14/02/2022 10:52

So part of the plan is likely to misfire - the weather forecast and the travel sickness (though you seem to have been OK some journeys before - so does that mean you can mitigate it?)

I'm glad you seem to be developing a plan B of the cinema, but can it be expanded? Drive to somewhere (not as far away as seaside town, and use your anti-sickness mitigations) so he gets that element, have a different town to explore and go to cinema there?

Or spend the whole day in bed.

Because as he's taken a day off work, then I'd want something more memorable than a trip to the local flea pit

Thisthatandtheotherthing · 14/02/2022 11:56

In my opinion you're shooting yourself in the foot, he's gone to some effort and thought about you (you're a grown up with money that can buy travel sickness tablets I'm assuming?) and next time I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't bother at all.

You're problem seems to be that you don't think you'd enjoy the day all that much, does your partner refuse to do or go anywhere with you that he wouldn't enjoy? If so then fair enough, if he does do things with you just because you enjoy them then I'd say YABU.

Buy some travel sickness tablets, take a rain coat and just enjoy the bits of the day that you know you will enjoy. I'm assuming you'd go somewhere to have a nice lunch, and perhaps reminisce on times you had been in years gone by.

Ivyonafence · 14/02/2022 12:29

@CheshireChat how did she tell him? Was it with the same attitude she's brought to this thread? In which case I think her husband is entitled to feel disappointed in her.

There is saying respectfully that you would prefer something else versus declaring it to be the 1950s and compiling a list of your husbands failures in your head.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 14/02/2022 12:40

@BirdsBirdsBird

Yup. Nailed it. That's exactly what people are saying. No shades of grey at all on this matter.

Jennyfromthere · 14/02/2022 12:42

I can’t believe anyone would take the day off for valentines? It’s such a non event.

MrsBlaue · 14/02/2022 12:59

OP, your behaviour is plainly rude. There is no need to raise arguments about the 50s or travel sickness. The way you describe your own response to your husband’s propositions is simply rude, in the most straightforward every-day meaning of the word. Jeez.

Moonface123 · 14/02/2022 13:07

You sound miserable and ungrateful, there' s lots of younger widows on here like myself who will never get the chance do spend Valentines day with our partners again.
Men can' t win on here if they send cards its creepy, and then if they do try and suggest a nice day out look at the childish reaction, no wonder most of them don' t bother.

SunflowerTed · 14/02/2022 15:11

@Moonface123

You sound miserable and ungrateful, there' s lots of younger widows on here like myself who will never get the chance do spend Valentines day with our partners again. Men can' t win on here if they send cards its creepy, and then if they do try and suggest a nice day out look at the childish reaction, no wonder most of them don' t bother.

This.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/02/2022 19:24

She gets car sick guys. She doesn’t want to go just because he has it in his head.

OP just have a chat with him and discuss an alternative.

Whatamessimin · 14/02/2022 19:47

So basically you've spat your dummy out because your DH wanted to surprise you with a drive to a seaside town you like and you can't spend the afternoon with a friend as planned, and your using the weather and intermittent travel sickness as excuse as to why you wouldn't want to go here in February but it's fine in June.

Yup YABU.

If he'd booked a spa day or a couple of nights in Paris would he have to have consulted you and the weather forecast first? Doubt it.

Agree with others. You seem hard work and your response is more sulky than you DH. Poor bloke can't win

Yabyboda · 14/02/2022 19:50

Seems like his heart was in the right place, but if he genuinely wanted you to have a nice day would listen to your concerns. Personally I'd have said something along the lines of- that's really thouhhtful I appreciate the surprise but can we please do x instead as I will struggle and then it would be nice to go in the summer.

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