To think FWB is a load of old BX

[Llandings]

There's another thread on here - some poor woman is being regaled by a bunch of the usual headmistressy-so-called-feminists coming out, to berate her - you knew the rules, you broke the rules!!!

Er, what rules would them be?

In the old days, not even that bloody long ago, there were all kinds of relationships - marriage, living together, casual, flings, etc. People negotiated them.

But this completely made up Contract "FWB" that you can't "break" by having expectations, desires, feelings, etc - in fact be being a human being - its completely bizarre. Inhuman in fact.

I was also thinking "Benefits" always came with the worst job advertisements, I noticed, to make up for how essentially boring and rubbish they were. Finallky, a "friend" would never use you for sex as an add-on. And mutually using people for sex is no better.

Sorry, I had to get this "out there"! I'm so sick of hearing FWB. Totally imported from the US. Cynical and inhuman approach.

IMOhSoHO it must be said.

I agree with you You like each other enough to have sex. You’re supposed to be friends so communicate in between sex sessions.
Isn’t that a relationship? Albeit one where you don’t meet each other’s family or go as the other ones plus one. But still a relationship

Maybe they're referring to FWB but actually mean fuck buddies? I've had both. FWB should be just normal friends who happen to have sex occasionally.
Fuck buddies are people you have no form of relationship with but have each other's numbers so you can meet up for sex but that's it.

It’s clearly not for you! And you’re entitled to your opinion, I’ve had some great FWBs though when I was younger. People who I enjoyed hanging out with, same as you would with a platonic friend, and there was also physical attraction/chemistry and good sex, but we were just not suited nor interested in a romantic relationship with each other. It would have been weird to cuddle up on the sofa for example, no physical affection would feel right at all apart from getting down and dirty in the bedroom; but they were friends, we could go watch a movie or out to eat, hang out at home etc same as you would with any non-FWB friend. There would genuinely not be any resentment if one or other got into a romantic relationship so the arrangement had to end, quite the opposite you’d be happy for your friend to have found something like you would with any other. Generally you’d keep the fact you were sleeping together quiet from others to avoid questions though.

Different from fuck buddy as well - then there was no friendship at all - just booty calls! Some amazing sex with people that honestly I didn’t really like as people, but the chemistry was good! Never cared at all what those people did with anyone else.

Problems arise when communication is poor and one side wants something different than the other - but that’s the same in any other kind of relationship too, I think anyway. Not everyone is suited to a FWB situation, but not everyone is suited to every other kind of relastionship either. IMHO!

I've had a couple of fab FWB over the years when not in a relationship. Finding out there's a sexual attraction with someone you enjoy hanging out with is great. Sometimes it just wears off, sometimes it comes and goes in a way of just being available for each other if you feel in need of some physical closeness.

It's the only kind of 'relationship' I'd be interested in since my marriage ended.

I dunno, I had a bf when I was in my twenties. We had great chemistry in the bedroom and enjoyed each others company going out for meals, walks, theatre etc. We liked each other a lot,
and we respected one another professionally, but neither of us were under any delusion that it was going to lead to anything more. It just suited us both for the amount of time we were together. Our friends referred to us as bf and gf but nowadays we would probably be known as fwb. We both met our spouses in the twelve months after we were together so it wasn't a question of timing.

I also read that other thread and ended up more confused!

I’ve never really understood the difference between a FWB and “a relationship” to be honest. Is it an OLD thing or like a PP said, imported from the USA?

What actually IS the difference?

I’ve had both fuck buddies and FWB.

I really enjoyed the sex with them

I didn’t want a relationship at the time.

Worked for me.

I've loved having FWBs. It's possible to have all sorts of friendly and sexual feelings for someone you aren't in love with. when I started dating after separating from the father of my children, I didn't want to fall in love because I was enjoying the low pressure, low risk lifestyle of having FWBs - I felt very secure with the only real high risk relationships in my life being those with my children (anything happening to them would devastate me) - but my feelings were evenly spread otherwise between FWBs and just normal friends, so I always felt that someone would be there for me and no one could break my heart.

When I met my current DP it didn't work out like that. I fell in love, so now I am back in this very high risk situation where there is a man walking around in the world who can ruin my life. He could cheat on me, or just fall out of love with me, or be inconsiderate enough to have a terrible accident and die. DAMN! I hate it! (I love him very much)

I think if you think it's bollocks, you think that sex is something that weakens a woman if she gives it away, so she has to charge a certain price for it in the form of a certain kind of commitment. It needn't be like that. But if you are in love, you are, and you shouldn't be made to feel you are wrong for falling in love either.

What actually IS the difference?

Love, I guess. You're in love with the person you're in a relationship with. You're not in love with a fwb, you care about them, but you're not in love with them.

Yep I think while it works simply for some, nobody is immune to having their feelings grow for someone, and also its not a crime to expect respect and decent communication when the situation changed. I really didn't understand the vitriol over 'the rules' on that and every other thread I've read about fwb's gone awry

The term ‘FWB’ hadn’t been invented when I was single, but I had similar arrangements when I was younger. Casual things with people who were mates, were available and attractive enough to shag but with whom, for whatever reason, a ‘proper’ relationship was never going to work out.

As long as both parties know the score and are happy with the situation, what’s the problem?

I had a 1 year romantic relationship with my current FWB before we realised that we didn't have a future together (he wants kids one day, I don't).
However we get on like a house on fire and the sex is great so we now see each other once a month to hang out and have sex. We don't contact each other very much in between, we're not exclusive, and while we both have affectionate feelings for each other we know that there's no future for us.
I'm really happy with the situation to be honest. I get my freedom while also getting to enjoy his company from time to time.

@Llandings

There's another thread on here - some poor woman is being regaled by a bunch of the usual headmistressy-so-called-feminists coming out, to berate her - you knew the rules, you broke the rules!!!

Er, what rules would them be?

In the old days, not even that bloody long ago, there were all kinds of relationships - marriage, living together, casual, flings, etc. People negotiated them.

But this completely made up Contract "FWB" that you can't "break" by having expectations, desires, feelings, etc - in fact be being a human being - its completely bizarre. Inhuman in fact.

I was also thinking "Benefits" always came with the worst job advertisements, I noticed, to make up for how essentially boring and rubbish they were. Finallky, a "friend" would never use you for sex as an add-on. And mutually using people for sex is no better.

Sorry, I had to get this "out there"! I'm so sick of hearing FWB. Totally imported from the US. Cynical and inhuman approach.

IMOhSoHO it must be said.

I don't see anything bizarre about. I love my life, have my own home, I'm financially sound and have pretty much everything I need. I don't want another relationship after my divorce and a serious relationship ended, I'm not interested in compromising anything in my life for anyone.

I miss sex though, so have someone I see occasionally, we have a great time, I feel comfortable with him and then we go our separate ways. I have zero interest in seeing him other than for sex.

Do I feel used? Hell no, I get what I want and don't have to wash anyone's manky boxers, watch football on TV, pretend to be interested in how his day was or be nice to someone's bat shit in-laws. I'm in my 50's and honestly men have very little to offer me, a relationship doesn't interest me at all but occasional mutually satisfying sex does. I hope that makes things clearer.

It’s definitely not for me. But happy other people are fine with it. One I start the sex I want the monogamy

I posted on the other thread because j just didn't think it was helpful for everyone to berate the guy for 'leading her on'.

He didn't do anything wrong. Neither did she. It just didn't work out.

They both went into stating they didn't want a relationship. Perhaps the length of time changed things for her.

That's allowed. It happens! But she wanted a change in the dynamic which he was quite clear he didn't want.

It can work when both parties are on the same page. But perhaps that in itself is rare.

But I wanted her to move on. Take it as a positive mutual experience. Reinforcing her belief she was 'used' wasn't helpful or right in my opinion.

@IheartJKRowling that's pretty much exactly my situation, too. I'm in my forties, 2 failed relationships, youngest DC is 11 and I have adult DC too, so no biological imperative to be in a relationship to produce more children. I've had a couple of lovely FWB in between those 2 relationships and I have one currently who's quite a bit younger than me. He's happy with it, I'm happy with it, all good!

Yes I’m always confused, when I see threads on here, that there are supposedly capital R Rules for it. Surely all human interactions find their own pattern and their own rules?

I’m too germ phobic for no-strings sex, though. So maybe it’s inevitable that I’d be baffled.

@BuddhaForMary

What actually IS the difference?

Love, I guess. You're in love with the person you're in a relationship with. You're not in love with a fwb, you care about them, but you're not in love with them.

Thank you. So it’s just the terminology that’s changed really. Back in my day, it was classed as casual sex or being upfront about not wanting to be tied down (no, not in THAT way )

A FWB situation sounds ideal for me, to be honest but I couldn’t be bothered with the “friends” bit. So would that make them a FB?

Arrrghhhh, lol.

@tothemoonandbackbuses

I agree with you You like each other enough to have sex. You’re supposed to be friends so communicate in between sex sessions. Isn’t that a relationship? Albeit one where you don’t meet each other’s family or go as the other ones plus one. But still a relationship

Yes it is a type of relationship, a private, even secret, one with no strings and will not last forever but, hopefully, will bring a smile to your face when you remember it.

I've had a few fwbs over the years.

My most significant was my male best friend who I'd been friends with for several years. It was hugely respectful. We had a lot of fun.

It was a friendship - we talked, chatted most days, went out for lunch, to the cinema- friend stuff. But, sometimes, we'd also have sex.

The boundaries were clear. Neither of us wanted anything more. Lines never became blurred.

Neither of us was using the other - it was just an extra facet of our friendship. It continued on and off for a few years and stopped when I got a boyfriend. When he was really pleased for me and we continued to be friends but dropped the benefits.

The sex was never mentioned out of respect for my boyfriend. There was no risk of it happening then. When bf and I split up, we resumed the sex again after a couple of months.

Eventually, the sex element just fizzled out and we remain good friends to this day.

There are a lot if fwb scenarios described in here where I can see Neither friendship nor benefits. That is the issue.

I don't get it as I don't tend to sleep with my friends as that to me takes it to some weird level that isn't friendship.

YABU and sexist. It was quite clear from that thread that the communication wasn't quite right but as the woman wasn't getting the outcome that she wanted a few people jumped on to your conclusion...

FWB is that you are free to see other people and are not committed to each other thats not the case for relationships unless you have an open one also no progressing no meeting family moving in etc, you are single and can do your own thing meet others date etc but still have sex with a friend.

Though I don’t like fwb and wouldn’t have one personally

I think the whole point with the other thread is that you shouldn’t go into FWB secretly hoping it will turn into a relationship as that rarely happens.