To think FWB is a load of old BX

[Llandings]

There's another thread on here - some poor woman is being regaled by a bunch of the usual headmistressy-so-called-feminists coming out, to berate her - you knew the rules, you broke the rules!!!

Er, what rules would them be?

In the old days, not even that bloody long ago, there were all kinds of relationships - marriage, living together, casual, flings, etc. People negotiated them.

But this completely made up Contract "FWB" that you can't "break" by having expectations, desires, feelings, etc - in fact be being a human being - its completely bizarre. Inhuman in fact.

I was also thinking "Benefits" always came with the worst job advertisements, I noticed, to make up for how essentially boring and rubbish they were. Finallky, a "friend" would never use you for sex as an add-on. And mutually using people for sex is no better.

Sorry, I had to get this "out there"! I'm so sick of hearing FWB. Totally imported from the US. Cynical and inhuman approach.

IMOhSoHO it must be said.

@Jennifer2r

Casual sex with a friend doesn't have to be 'emotionless'. I have plenty of feelings for my fwb - I respect him and care about him as he does for me and as I do with all my friends. I love him the same way I love a girl friend. I just don't want a monogamous long term committed relationship with him or anyone else.

It's not clinical or abusive in any way.

Summed up perfectly!!

They're called sneaky links now!

of course a regular FWB is more convenient than a different partner for each ride. The latter isn’t ‘true convenience’, it’s the opposite

I understand the convinience of not having to search for a partner but there will be an added emotional aspect to the relationship, there has to be you are friends and there is much more scope for someone to be hurt within that, the fact one of you could get hurt is not a true convinience, it's a risk.

If you truly did not want an emotional aspect, one night stands would be better, not safer, but less likely for someone to be hurt.

People are often hurt with FWB, urequited love does happen a lot.

And these men know where to look for these FWB, what age groups are attracted to this new found sexual liberation, many being either in uni having jolly japes as friends or young women vying for the local heart throb whose a waste of space and got 20 women on the go, or yummie mummies with financial assets from divorce with maybe the hope of middle class parents wealth being passed on, they do not wish to share, unsurprisingly.

I've seen it so many times these divorcees proclaiming never to be hurt and used again, they are going to be the ones in control and enjoy sex for sex.

From what I've seen it continues to hurt them after a while and they then again want some stability, priority and exclusivity.

FWB is just another sound bite, just as cougar, yummy mummy, MILF all normalize the easy sex men like to attain.

You are fooled into believing the power is with you.

All in all, society is teaching men not to be responsible for their weaknesses in fact they've enlisted the help of women to back them up.

"She meant fuck all to me she was a FWB" such a get out clause.
Kids are being born to these relationships every day, they are disrespectful and teach out children that there should be nothing expected of men.

You are fooled into believing the power is with you

Neither of us holds the power. It's a mutual agreement. Its arranged to suit us both. I dont sit around waiting for him.

Hes self employed so visits are arranged round my shifts. People need to stop with the assumption the women in these arrangements are being used - maybe some are, just as some in relationships are - but a lot of us are perfectly happy with great sex with someone we know & like without having to date them

@Redglitter

I meant power on the whole regarding women.

I cannot see how this easing of sexual relations has actually helped women over the last century, it just seems like another form of control, a deception and easing of expectations of men.

Each generation seems to infantalize them further, with parents setting examples of the me culture without teachings of morality and responsibilty. Many women on here would hate for their own daughters to be in relationships with these feckless men, yet they themselves promote the culture of no reponsiblity.

Men are so diffrent to us, and all I can see from all of this is that the responsiblities of home life, rearing children and surviving is being put firmly in the hands of women.

Hell they don't even have to try to get a regular shag these days, women are expecting less and offering more.

I employ men and have heard the talk, it's repulsive, many competing to state how beneficial each 'stop off' were, one cooks great, one's got a great house, one dresses up to buggary in Ann Summers, one got a 80" TV and thats why I'm with her this evening with the playstation shit.

What a choice they have and many of these women think they are the only ones they are sleeping with. I've heard it first hand, men you would think are lovely and need mothering. Some married, some divorced, some single, all irresponsible greedy men.

Gruesome.

I've had some very bad experiences with it.

The only people I’ve ever known get hurt by an FWB scenario are those who lied about their wishes at the start, those who pretended to be ok with it but actually secretly hoped the other person would fall for them and it would turn into more. And that’s not a fault of the other person (as long as they were unaware of it) or a flaw in the concept of FWBs, it’s the fault of the person who was not honest about their desires in the first place.

I’ve had plenty FWBs over the last two decades. They’ve ended for various reasons but never because either party got hurt by wanting more.

Just like traditional relationships, honesty and communication are key.

[quote Onthedunes]@Redglitter

I meant power on the whole regarding women.

I cannot see how this easing of sexual relations has actually helped women over the last century, it just seems like another form of control, a deception and easing of expectations of men.

Each generation seems to infantalize them further, with parents setting examples of the me culture without teachings of morality and responsibilty. Many women on here would hate for their own daughters to be in relationships with these feckless men, yet they themselves promote the culture of no reponsiblity.

Men are so diffrent to us, and all I can see from all of this is that the responsiblities of home life, rearing children and surviving is being put firmly in the hands of women.

Hell they don't even have to try to get a regular shag these days, women are expecting less and offering more.

I employ men and have heard the talk, it's repulsive, many competing to state how beneficial each 'stop off' were, one cooks great, one's got a great house, one dresses up to buggary in Ann Summers, one got a 80" TV and thats why I'm with her this evening with the playstation shit.

What a choice they have and many of these women think they are the only ones they are sleeping with. I've heard it first hand, men you would think are lovely and need mothering. Some married, some divorced, some single, all irresponsible greedy men.

Gruesome.[/quote]
Not only is this nonsense, it's fairly harmful nonsense - telling women that they must persuade men to commit before they can have sex is really, really bad for women. Let's not forget that plenty of women don't want children at all - and some, whose children are now adults, still want plenty of sex and have no need to worry about unexpected pregnancy. Freeing women from the need to 'catch and keep' a man is enormously beneficial to us... which is why there is so much propaganda to the effect that we won't like freedom really, that it will 'devalue' us to have too much autonomy. One of the greatest fears of the patriarchy is that enough women realise that they are not biologically destined to do all life's shitwork in exchange for 'love' and will simply stop doing it. Whenever women gain education and financial independence, the number of children they have decreases - as it should.

@Wreath21

I think you misunderstand me, no disrespect but I merely state that women should be careful about being proud to have FWB status, it suits them, they are grown ups but there is a greater capacity for deception.

I must sound wary as fuck, but I employed mainly men, some were full time employees, some sub contrators and some self employed, skilled, unskilled and professionals.

Nothing shocked me of what I heard or overheard, the lack of respect was astounding, different workers and different customers meant no fixed place of work, many opportunities.

These men took the opportunities on offer, their conquests became their friends. Friends with Benefits. It used to be the younger ones who used this term but the older ones have found the benefits of describing their dalliances to be this.

One thing I do know, of all the men that used this description, not one was ever just having sex with one woman. These women would phone up during work hours and reel off their demands of where/when, actually phoning more than the wives of workers. They were also talked about.

I probably am disillusioned but there really are a lot of shitty/seedy men out there.

All I am saying is look after yourselves and remember just because you may be in a good place mentally and feel your FBW has no reason to lie, they do.

You still need to know where you stand, if they are a health risk etc, you should be able to ask these questions without fear of being un cool.

If I heard a man say to me would you like to be FWB I would run a mile, even the term makes me heave.

Just be careful girls.

One thing I do know, of all the men that used this description, not one was ever just having sex with one woman

So what? That’s the thing with FWBs, there’s no commitment, it’s not exclusive. Both parties know that.
I have 2 FWBs at the moment, and I know they’re both having sex with at least one other person. They know I’m having sex with others.
There’s no deception.

The broader social argument about whether fwb serves women or not is clashing with anecdotal accounts. I suspect it benefits older women (those with children particularly) more so than it benefits younger women. In fact I would say it is utterly corrosive for young women

I also am horrified to read terms like 'desperate losers' or 'wimps' when it comes to a woman developing feelings after sex.

One thing I do know, of all the men that used this description, not one was ever just having sex with one woman

I had 3 fwbs at one point. I never thought to ask or cared if they were having sex with anyone else. They didn't know about the others I had either 🤷🏻‍♀️

@supercali77

The broader social argument about whether fwb serves women or not is clashing with anecdotal accounts. I suspect it benefits older women (those with children particularly) more so than it benefits younger women. In fact I would say it is utterly corrosive for young women

I also am horrified to read terms like 'desperate losers' or 'wimps' when it comes to a woman developing feelings after sex.

That's a good point actually about the ages. Younger women will be at different stages of their lives, and won't have the same kind of life experience and confidence to speak up for what they really want. They'll be under a lot more pressure to be 'one of the cool girls'. I think older women (myself included) find it easier to set terms and boundaries.

That's a good point actually about the ages. Younger women will be at different stages of their lives, and won't have the same kind of life experience and confidence to speak up for what they really want. They'll be under a lot more pressure to be 'one of the cool girls'.
I think older women (myself included) find it easier to set terms and boundaries

I agree with this.

As for different partners with FWB, clearly some people are very aware when they enter these relationships and thats good but I believe many are not.

I do think many women do believe it is a gateway to a one on one relationship.
To many women especially the older women, I think they confuse the term to mean a relationship on their terms, ie, fitting arround children, weekend relationships, not wanting to move in together, not blend families and finances. I think many of them don't think it's about blending sex with multiple partners and I'm sure the men don't set them straight or tell the truth.

Some women have more than one FWB and expect/accept that the men they have sex with may also have sex with others. Monogamy just doesn't matter to really quite a large number of people.

So many comments on this thread about what 'most men' are doing and what 'their women' think, do you guys have studies or surveys or are you just making stuff up?

There is absolutely nothing anti feminist about my relationship, I have my own place and earn my own money and have my own friends and social life, I've chosen a man I like to have regular sex with. Cue someone along to tell me about my "illusion of control". It's so boring.

Thinking about my set up you could actually say IM the manipulative one. My FWB is a self employed handyman. He does loads of jobs at mine & refuses to take payment. So not only do I get jobs in the house/garden done I get great sex too.

But the main thing is we're both happy with the set up

Re. Has anyone ever done a study. This is the first research link I found in a search
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5731847/

Study of young adults psychological effects of fwb and ons. Psychological distress increase in girls but not boys.

To me the initial point of this thread was about the broader impact of casual sex on women and girls, anecdotal accounts will always exist to disprove any point but the greater social implications remain. Casual sex does not by and large benefit women, especially not young women. Not just in terms of psychological distress but the obvious implications of potential pregnancy, increased chances of catching STIs...

Its great that an individual woman can make a choice like this which suits her, but that doesn't mean that the increasingly casual nature of sex is beneficial to women on the whole.

I’m from a different generation but FEB would have made things so much more comfortable for me. I had a number of friends in my twenties that were fun to be with and there was a sexual attraction but for my generation sex always meant full on relationship and I never really wanted that. FWB status would have made things so much easier. I’m not talking about having multiple partners simultaneously but a less rigid formality. When DH c

Posted too soon
When DH came along I was independent, had my own house and settled in the area I chose to live. There was no expectation of having to make compromises after we settled such as giving up friends, job or location to be together, something many friends had to do once settled in a relationship.
FWB is flexible, an open ended relationship where there is no long term commitment or expectation of compromise. I’m sure many end up together forever but many people realise that their own life plan is just as important as any partner.
As long as each party makes it clear from the start I don’t see the problem. I don’t think it works though if you are not good friends first. It shouldn’t be an option from the first time you meet but something that develops from friendship.
The majority of good long term marriages are based on friendship with sexual attraction, you just reach a point where you see a long term future as well.

There is alot of judgement on thread.

Last FWB I had was shortly after a break up. I missed sex and can have it without getting emotionally connected.

I wasn't in a position to have a new relationship. A male friend was in a very similar position having broken up with someone also. The arrangement suited us both and it was respectful and we get on well just not right for each other as a couple. We kept it quiet from other friends and in came to a nature end when we both wanted to start dating again. No one got hurt. No feelings ever got hurt and we don't ever refer to it now.

It suited but had a natural end.